Wow thanks for all the reviews, I never thought that many people would read it! Well here I go on my next chapter – I have my notes in front of me and The O.C Mix 1 for inspiration (to get them back to how they were in the first season) and I am ready to get Kirsten to talk! I hope you enjoy it!
Here she was again
Kirsten found herself, once again, being dragged down the hall just like the day before. Sandy's grip was more in control than yesterday and his worried expression showed his hope for her to open up. He could feel her bony hand within his, shaking, afraid of what was going to happen this time. She knew that she could no longer run. Once was acceptable, they couldn't expect her to open up right away but she knew that from now on she needed to cooperate. She needed to do this, for herself, her recovery and most of all, her marriage.
Once again, Sandy pulled open the glass doors and emerged him and Kirsten in the plush room where the awaiting doctor sat anxiously hoping that she would stay in the room for the full 1 hour today. The doctor noticed both looks on Sandy and Kirsten's face; they were both anxiousness. She was anxious to what would be said and likewise he was anxious to what would be said. She had sat on these feelings, these emotions, for over a year while Sandy knew that they were there, he never realised how deep they were, he thought that once Rebecca had gone that everything had nearly gone back to normal. What a horrible husband I am. He thought to himself as he watched the pain Kirsten had endured come to the top as she finally sunk into the chair. He took a chair beside, thankful for the fact that there wasn't a couch, he wasn't sure that he wanted to be sharing one with his wife when she was about to explain how much he hurt her. He wanted to comfort her but just wanted to avoid bodily injuries at all costs.
"Well from your little escape yesterday, it is obvious Kirsten that this is not going to be easy for you but it did show me that these issues are serious enough and daunting enough to force you to leave a room to try and escape from them. I am here to help you escape from them for good, by talking about them and eventually sorting them out, it is my job to do that. Well why don't you start when it all began" The doctor urged her to speak, hoping that his standard speech showed enough sincerity to will her to open up.
Kirsten took a sharp breath in before she let out her first sentence, the first sentence in over a year that was related to how she really felt. In a whisper she began.
"Last summer… last summer the boys… they left. I was already distraught knowing that Ryan was leaving my life with no indication for how long and then the departure of my son Seth made it all the more hard to comprehend. I knew that he had finally found a friend in Newport, one that had lead him to make more friends, but I realised that he felt that without Ryan, he would live his life before him; alone. I love him so much and the thought of him out in the vast ocean made my stomach churn every time and I so to cope I separated myself from everyone, including Sandy."
His eyes had been focused on the fidgeting of his hands all while she had made her speech, the hurt in her eyes too much for him to take, until she had spoken his name. He glanced into those eyes that used to have so much joy, and he recognised that she blamed herself. She blamed herself for something which no one could take the blame for. The breakdown of their marriage could be attributed to a wide range of people and events; not to a single person and certainly not to Kirsten.
"Okay. Now carry on." Dr. Simmons insisted.
"All through the summer when the boys were away I ignored Sandy. Seth became an angry teenager and refused to come home. He would hang up on me during our phone calls and it got to the point once when we wouldn't even talk to me. Sandy had always been the one close to Seth. They were so alike with their humour, Jewish ness and interests, I was always the odd one out so it hurt me even more when Sandy let him stay in Portland and stayed friends with him. It seemed that I was always that strict, unforgiving mother while Sandy was his best friend. I just killed me to think that my own son hated me while he still looked up to his father as a friend more than anything." Kirsten recounted, keeping a constant check on the pitch and tone of her voice, making sure that she didn't sound too upset or too forceful, but she realised that she wouldn't be able to fully express her feelings if she didn't let her emotion show through, she didn't want to sound monotonous.
Sandy gasped at the thought that just because he and Seth looked alike and talked in the same manner that they were closer than she and Seth were. He knew that Seth adored his mother in was that could not be described with words, he had often told him in their deep conversations while sailing.
"You and Seth are just as close as I am with him. Because we have the same appearance it doesn't mean…."
Sandy was interrupted by the doctor demanding that he let Kirsten carry on. He didn't want to halt her train of thoughts. Indicating that she should continue, she carried on from where she left off.
"Finally a few days before the beginning of school, the boys returned home and I was overjoyed. I had both Ryan and Seth back in my life and I was hoping that everything would go back to normal. But while they were away, I had taken my anger of their departure out on Sandy, he was the only one I knew who would live with it. And so I stopped communicating with him. I blamed him for letting the boys go and not demanding that they stay. We both had been brought up in opposite environments and he used his hippy parenting psycho babble and just let them stay away from us. I just don't get it. I was brought up here in Newport and so I know how everything works, I don't see why we couldn't just drag Seth back. Sandy said something along the lines about him running back if we forced him home and he had to make the choice to return but all I thought was that once we got him home I'm never letting him out of my sight again."
The doctor paused her and questioned. "So, the reason this all began was because of your sons' departures?"
"I suppose yes, it was. But because I hadn't been communicating with Sandy for 3 months, it wasn't easy to revert. A week later our relationship was still strained and while we tried, we never got back to where we were. I remember how we were getting renovations done and the architect had got the wrong beam and Sandy flipped out at him and I demanded him to go and apologise how he said he was sick to death of putting himself on the line for this family and getting nothing and he was done with it. This shocked and upset me so much as I thought it was to do with out marriage and how I had taken it out on him. This was when we began to make up and I went and apologised and we cleared up how he wasn't talking about me and I apologised for my actions during the summer and how sorry I was for taking my anger out on him. I knew I wasn't the easiest person to live with over last summer but I just missed the boys so much, I was so upset and alone and I drove away that one person who could stop me from feeling that way."
Sandy who had kept quiet the whole time felt a tear trickle down his cheek as Kirsten made a comment towards him in a positive way. These little terms and comments about how much they loved the other person had been absent in their marriage for so long, it felt weird to Sandy's ears to hear them again. His eyes met with Kirsten's and he urged her to continue.
"Our relationship was still strained and tense at times but it was getting better and I did think that soon it would return to normal. My father was arrested then and Sandy stepped in and became his attorney. I knew that was a big step for him and I appreciated it so much, his helped kept my father out of jail, but up until the case was cleared, I was so worried that he was going to spend his last years of his life in a prison cell. Soon enough, as I expected, our relationship was back to normal apart from the physical aspect. We have always been a physical couple; our son Seth once said that we had always been 'at it' like teenagers and I suppose there is an element of truth in that. I missed that part, the kisses Sandy would sneak in when he thought that no one was watching, the kisses he would sneak in when he knew people were watching and the kisses when he didn't care whether people were watching or not."
"Well if everything apart from that was back together, what made it get so much worse?" The doctor enquired, willing the conversation onwards.
"I guess it was a few things but I'll keep it in chronological order. Once again my father managed to screw up while he was indebted he appointed his wife, my so-called enemy, Julie Cooper-Nichol the CEO of the Newport Group. I admit that I thought that I would be appointed the position and it would have been a logical choice but he said he had to put his marriage first and I admit I would have done the same. I didn't want to return to work but as Sandy knows I couldn't be unemployed. I have worked so hard all my life, trying to please him and I couldn't have nothing to show for it. I was so frustrated that I cared so much about making him happy, keeping the company so good and he never recognised that. Like the old times, Sandy comforted me and for the next couple of weeks I actually felt like we did before the summer. We never did get around to talking about the summer, actually discussing it and getting it out in the open but we carried life right on top of it. I felt like I was over the summer and once again we became more physical, it just felt like we had to check that it was okay. I remember kissing Sandy but having to pull away and check that it was okay, like it was our first kiss or something along those lines. Julie continued to frustrate me but Sandy was there to help me, soothe me, and he did."
"Well we are going to have to leave it there for today but we will continue from where you are up to tomorrow and I can tell that we are going to get far with this. For now though, I would like you both to leave with a more positive thought. Kirsten, tell me one thing you still love about Sandy."
"I love that once we get into bed and the light is turned off, that no matter how bad our day way, no matter how mad we are at each other, that his arms managed to find me and I fall asleep with his loving arm draped around my waist and I am able to hear his heart beat through my back and feel his warm breathe upon my shoulder. I love it how at night, the wall between us is gone, there is nothing in between us and we are together again like we have always been and always will be."
With that, both Sandy and Kirsten turned to face each other and at the same time they whispered to one another, oblivious to the doctor still in the room staring at them, I… love… you…
Then, with a curt nod towards the doctor, he pulled Kirsten up from her chair and escorted her to the door where he kissed her without checking, kissed her without pulling back and kissed her without caring whether people were watching or not. He kissed her to show how he loved her and how he always would love her.
Well that is definitely the longest post I have ever written and I hope I sustained it. I had to add in the bit at the end, what is a fanfic without a little Kandy moment in it. This was a summary of her feelings in the first four episodes (up to The New Era). Please review, I'd love to hear your thoughts!