Story: Phoenix
Chapter 15
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Previously: During a rough labor, Jed convinced Abbey that she had to give birth, despite their fears that the baby wouldn't survive; Jed took Abbey to the NICU to visit their baby; Abbey chose a name for the newborn
Summary: Jed realizes how little he knows about the NICU and feels left out when Zoey's doctors develop a rapport with Abbey; Ellie learns the difference between a surprise and a secret after a talk with her father
AN: Thanks for the feedback, gang!
Jed kneeled down on the ground and reached up for Abbey's hand to retrieve the black marker wiggling between her fingers. His grip was unsteady, but it didn't matter. Squiggly lines be damned, he proudly scripted his daughter's name on the pink and white sign dangling just below her bed.
Zoey. On some of the isolettes, there was no first name. Parents who had been urged not to become attached to their premature newborn chose to leave their sign blank. But for Jed and Abbey, that wasn't an option. This baby would have a name, a symbol that she meant the world to someone. Anyone who entered the NICU would now know that Baby Girl Bartlet wasn't just a weak infant struggling to survive. She wasn't just "the Bartlet kid." She was a human being, an innocent soul who was clinging to life with the tips her tiny fingers.
She was Zoey.
"I see we have a name."
Jed turned, startled to see a raven-haired woman approaching. "Hi."
"Hello. I'm Patti. I'll be..." she read the name with a smile. "...Zoey's primary nurse. That's a great name by the way."
"Thank you." Abbey shook the woman's hand, her eye inspecting her from head to toe. Patti would be the one caring for Zoey on a daily basis. "I'm Abbey. This is my husband Jed."
"Nice to meet you both. We had a couple in here last year who named their daughter Zoey."
Jed swallowed past the lump in his throat. He had to ask the question, but he wasn't certain he was ready to hear the answer. "Did she...is she...okay?"
"Yeah." Patti assured him with a nod. "They left here about three months later with a healthy, happy seven-pound baby girl."
The sound of a stuttering "um" was the only thing that escaped Jed's open mouth. He wasn't prepared for this. "Three months? I thought we'd only be here a few weeks."
Abbey shook her head and squeezed her husband's arm with a remorseful touch. He looked at her with such curiosity flashing in his tired blue eyes. She knew the ins and outs of the NICU, but in her haste to see her daughter, she had neglected to educate Jed. "It's not like that," she told him. "Usually, these babies stay here until what was supposed to be their due date."
"Dr. Bartlet..." Patti began, catching herself as she realized Abbey had asked to be referred to by her first name. "Abbey...you did a rotation in the NICU, right?"
"I helped out from time to time, yes. But this is Jed's first time."
Jed's lips curved into a somewhat uncomfortable frown. This environment was completely foreign to him. No one had informed him of his daughter's care, her prognosis, or even the official list of NICU rules. "What's the deal with the bed? Is she warm?"
"Yes, she is." Patti draped a light sheet over Zoey to ease his nerves. "The bed is warmed by a radiant heater."
"Other babies are in incubators. Why can't we put her in one of those?"
Abbey pushed herself into him, her hand right hand resting against his chest as if she was trying to offer him some comfort. "They use the open beds when they need to ensure doctors have continuous access to the baby. Once she's stronger, they'll move her to an incubator."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why can't she just be in a regular bed? Why does she have to be up here?"
"The infant warmers, as well as the incubators, simulate the mother's womb." The guilt was pretty obvious as Abbey's deliberate blinks washed her sea green eyes with tears. "She's feeling what she'd feel if she was still inside of me."
"Minus the tubes and the lights and the monitors," Jed added, his fingers following a trail down the line of the IV.
"Right."
There was so much Abbey still had to teach him. There was so much that Jed had to learn. But there wasn't any time. Soon, their daughter's silent sanctuary was invaded by a team of specialists from neonatologists to respiratory therapists to nutritionists and pharmacists. He watched as, one by one, the experts examined Zoey and then addressed Abbey, their ten-syllable words coming so fast that they blurred into an endless stream of confusing medical jargon.
Abbey's training and background helped her understand the complexities of Zoey's condition, but the rapid-fire instructions and test results were lost on Jed. He found himself in a helpless daze, sidelined by his wife and ignored by the others.
He stepped back, behind the huddle that formed next to Zoey's bed, only stopping when he hit a corner wall. The concern drained from him and in its place, a somber, gloomy wave of despair took hold of him. Visiting his little girl in the NICU was discouraging enough, but he quickly realized he was nothing more than a speed bump on her road to recovery.
He turned and carefully slipped through a small crack in the door, leaving the nursery without a word to anyone. He wanted to go back the second he heard the click of the latch. Suddenly, it was quiet. The machines stopped running, the monitors stopped beeping, the chaos and commotion was sequestered behind a wooden doorframe.
It was the quiet that was bothering him now.
More than anything, he wanted to stand beside Abbey and involve himself in the stressful process. He wanted to hear all those random sounds, for it was those sounds that convinced him his baby's heart was still beating, that people were still fighting for her, that she still had a chance to live. Watching from a distance out in the hall was unnatural, but at least it was easier to accept than watching from a distance inside the nursery. He felt as excluded as he did when Abbey was pregnant.
Wobbling dangerously at the verge of an emotional collapse, he stumbled towards the window at the head of the NICU. It was only minutes later that Abbey spun around herself, perplexed by his absence. He knocked lightly on the glass to get her attention.
"What are you doing?" She practically ran towards him as soon as she opened the door.
"I'm thinking I need to go home for a little while."
"Now?" She never imagined that Jed would leave before he mastered his role in Zoey's recovery.
"The girls have been alone with Paige all day. They're probably scared out of their minds about what's going on. I should be there to tuck them in tonight."
Of course he was right. Ellie was too young to truly understand what happened and Abbey imagined by now, Liz was too exhausted to cheer up her frightened little sister. They both needed a parent's reassurance. "I know. It's just...they're explaining this all to me and..."
"You'll take care of it just like you have all along. You don't need me for that." His tone held a spark of contempt that she detected immediately.
"What does that mean?"
Shame. He wasn't angry about not being included. He wasn't jealous that she could help their daughter more than he could. The only thing he felt was shame for daring to make this any harder on Abbey than it needed to be. "It means that you worked with a lot of these people day after day during your residency and you know what you're doing. I have faith that you'll know what's best."
"Oh." She knew he was lying. Underneath the veneer of a claim of innocence, he was hiding the raw emotions he wasn't ready to share. But at that moment, she didn't push him. She was relieved that he chose a gentle approach. "Okay then. You should probably sleep at home anyway. The girls will want you there."
"No."
"Jed..."
"Abbey, I said no!" He might have been feeling left out, but he refused to voluntarily stay away. "I'll ask Paige if she can spend the night. Your parents are driving up first thing in the morning after the plows clear 93."
"Okay." She was so distant, like she was trying to backtrack in an effort smother a problem brewing between them. Jed sensed it too. He grabbed her elbow and pulled her into a hug.
"In the meantime, you'll call me if anything changes?" He stroked her hair as he waited for her response. "Or if you need something. Maybe just someone to talk to?"
"Yeah." She nodded against his warm embrace, tightening her grip around his waist.
"We'll keep the girls out of school, but if you're up to it, you should talk to the detective tomorrow."
Abbey wanted so badly to forget the face that was etched in her mind, but even though her baby girl was fighting to live, the haunting memories of her attacker hadn't subsided. "I will."
With a quick kiss that he dropped on the top of her head, Jed let go. "I should go home."
"Jed?" He waited to hear something that would cut the tension between them. "You have to talk to Ellie," she simply said.
"I know."
"I'll call the girls in an hour or so to say goodnight."
"That'll mean a lot to them," he agreed, the conversation so strained that he didn't bother to tell her how much it would mean to him. "Abbey, if anything happens with the baby..."
"I'll call right away."
It pained him to leave his wife and daughter, even if it was for just a few hours. Every paternal instinct told him to stay, but he didn't. Instead, he took the lonely walk down the long hospital corridor to the elevator that would lead him to the lobby.
It was a cold December night. The air was still and the sky was dark, clouds and falling snowflakes covering the smallest hint of moonlight. Only a few street lamps guided Jed's way to the taxi pick-up where he waited to be driven to his car.
It seemed like weeks had passed since he and Abbey sat down with Ellie's teacher for a meeting that led them down a hazy detour of frustration as their youngest daughter made her premature debut into the world. But it hadn't been weeks. It had been less than twelve hours. The excruciatingly long day was dragging at an incredibly slow pace and before he could officially call it over, there was one more thing left to do.
As soon as Jed arrived home, he headed directly to Ellie's room. The five-year-old had her back to the door as she stretched her little body as high as she could to return a book back to the shelf.
"Your mom would be awfully mad at me if she found out you went to bed without a story tonight."
"Daddy!" She squealed with excitement as she dropped the book and ran to her father. Jed scooped her up into the air. "Paige already read me one, but she said she would read me another!"
"Well, why don't we give Paige a break and I'll read you a story myself. What do you say?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay. But before we do, lets have a little chat." He sat in the rocking chair beside her bed, shifting Ellie slightly to balance her on his legs. "Your sister's taking her bath?"
"Uh huh. Where's Mommy?"
"She had to stay at the hospital tonight, but she's going to call you later."
"Is she with the baby?"
He debated discussing Zoey, concerned that the girls wouldn't cope well with the newborn's health status. "Did Paige tell you you have a baby sister?" Ellie nodded. "Well, once she gets a little stronger, I'll take you down there to see her, but right now, I want to talk about something else."
"What?"
"Do you wanna tell me about Mr. Chappelle?"
Ellie let out an exasperated sigh and shook her head. "I already told Mommy it's a secret!"
Jed pulled her closer to him, forcing her to meet his stare. "I know that. And you don't have to tell me what it is, but can you tell me whether it's a secret or if it's really just a surprise?"
"I don't know." She shrugged as she mouthed the two words.
"Well, a secret is something that you can't ever tell anyone else. It's when someone trusts you with something private that you'll never, ever let anyone find out."
"Like when Mommy told me she wouldn't tell Lizzie that I watch her when she looks in the mirror to pretend she has boobs?"
Jed looked up, bewildered and a bit apprehensive to ask her to elaborate. "Yeah, kind of like that."
"And that's a secret?"
"That's right. That's what we call a secret," he confirmed with a nod. "But a surprise is different. A surprise is something that people will find out anyway, but you just have to keep it to yourself for a little while. It's like when I told you that I bought Lizzie the boots she wanted for her birthday last year. You agreed not to tell her until she opened her present, remember?"
"Yeah."
"Do you understand?"
"I think so."
"So when we're talking about Mr. Chappelle and the 'secret' he told you, can you tell me now if it's a secret or a surprise?"
Ellie thought about the question like never before. She separated the words in her brain, contemplating both meanings for the very first time. "That's a surprise!"
"You're sure?" Jed didn't allow himself to breathe a sigh of relief until he was certain she understood the difference.
"Uh huh! You and Mommy and Lizzie will find out what it is when you come to the Christmas pageant!"
Finally. His fears faded with the realization that Mr. Chappelle had been telling the truth. Jed wrapped his fingers around Ellie's shiny curls as a smile formed across his lips. "Thank you for telling me."
"Daddy?"
"Yeah?"
"Can something be a secret and a surprise too?"
"What do you mean?"
"Mommy will find out about the bracelet you're gonna give her for Christmas so isn't that a surprise?"
"How do you know what I bought for your mother for Christmas?" His forehead creased with furrowed brows. The diamond bracelet he picked out for Abbey had been tucked in the back of his sock drawer to avoid prying eyes.
"That part's a secret!" Ellie replied, her triumphant declaration marred by a glimmer of confusion. "Or is that a surprise too because the other part is?"
"Well, I'd prefer that part to be a surprise, which means you're going to have to tell me exactly when you went through my things..." Jed chuckled as a hesitant Ellie lowered her head. "...but, this time, we'll call it a secret."
"Good!" She squirmed to get off his lap, but he held her still.
"Hang on though. From now on, you don't keep secrets from me and your mother, okay? You don't have to tell us both, but you do have to tell one of us if anyone asks you to keep a secret."
"Even if Lizzie asks?"
"ESPECIALLY if Lizzie asks!" Liz was nearing her teenage years and Ellie was in a perfect position to be Jed's little spy.
"Really?" She bit down on her bottom lip.
"Nah, I'm just teasing." He jiggled her playfully to put her mind at ease. "But at some point, I am going to want to hear more about this 'pretending she has boobs' thing."
"Only if Mommy says I can tell you."
"You're under the impression, Young Lady, that your mother is the boss of this house."
"She isn't?"
"Well..." He stalled for a few seconds before he delivered the answer she was expecting. "yeah, but I don't like to tell her that."
With a girlish laugh, Ellie raised his hand to tangle their pinkies around one another. "It'll be our secret!"
TBC