Story: Phoenix
Chapter 21
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Previously: Jed and Abbey fought over her decision regarding Frankie; after Jed left, Abbey's father advised her to give Jed a break; when Ellie admitted that she feared Abbey wouldn't be around the next morning, Abbey realized how much her absence has affected her
Summary: While helping Ellie with a reading lesson, Abbey feels a tremendous amount of guilt; Jed returns to talk to Abbey
"Hick...or...y, dick...or...y, dock. The...mmmmmm..." Ellie's fingertip followed the letters as she struggled to say the word.
"Go ahead, sound it out," Abbey instructed. She sat against the headboard, one arm wrapped around Ellie to keep her close while the other hand held the book in front of them.
"Mouse!" She smiled proudly.
"I know you have it memorized, but don't rely on your memory. Sound it out."
Ellie sucked in the momentary enthusiasm and continued. "Mmmmmooo..."
"Not ooo. There's a 'u' after the 'o.'"
"Mmmmooouuse?" The little girl looked up at her mother, a look of confusion and curiosity colliding in her reserved expression.
Abbey nodded. "That's right."
"Mouse!" Ellie excitedly declared, squirming slightly until Abbey caught her attention once again.
"The mouse..." She pointed to the next word and waited for Ellie to read.
"Ran up the cllll...ock. The clock str...uck...?"
"One..."
"One," Ellie repeated. "The mmmoouse ran down. Hick...or...y, dick...ory, dock." She stared at Abbey for confirmation before she dropped the book from her grasp.
"That was very good, Ellie. I'm impressed."
"Lizzie's been helping me."
"She has?"
"Every night."
Though she was grateful for Lizzie's help, that revelation only reminded Abbey of yet another broken promise - the promise she had made to Ellie the night before Zoey's birth, a promise to help her learn how to read.
Inhaling a somber breath, she collected the books and set them on the nightstand. "Okay, now that we've read all four stories, it's time to go to sleep."
"Will you stay with me all night?"
"Well, I'm going to step out to talk to your dad for a few minutes when he gets back, but I'll stay with you until you fall asleep and I'll be right here when you wake up."
"Okay."
"Have I told you how proud I am of you? You were wonderful at the show tonight."
"I was a little scared." If she had to be completely honest, she'd admit that she was more than just a little scared. When the auditorium began to fill, her stomach ached with the pain of anxiety and the only thing that saved her from quitting the pageant was the knowledge that her parents were cheering her on in the front row. Determined to make them happy, she swallowed her fears and persevered.
"We all get scared, Sweetheart. But you did it. You went out there and did what you've been rehearsing for so long with Mr. Chappelle. You were a wonderful Mary. Have I told you that?"
"Uh huh. Ten times."
Abbey lifted the blanket to allow Ellie the room to wiggle into a comfortable position. She lowered the covers on top of her and leaned down to drop a kiss onto her forehead. "Then this makes eleven. I'm very, very proud of you and I love you."
"I love you too." Ellie rolled onto her back, her head turned to the side towards her mother as she closed her eyes.
The five-year-old was so exhausted, she fell asleep almost instantly. Abbey laid down beside her and continued to stroke her hair while she watched the little girl's chest rise and fall in a calm, steady rhythm. Tucking her daughter in at night was something she had sorely missed over the past three weeks. Night after night, she sat in an uncomfortable chair in the NICU, her eyes fixated on Zoey's small fragile form and her mind racing with thoughts of all three of her girls.
Sometimes, when positive thoughts eroded the veil of despair that clouded her thinking, she could muster up the strength to believe in her faith. It was during those times that she'd tearfully pray that Ellie and Liz were well taken care of, that they would understand why she wasn't with them and that they'd forgive her absence and remember her love.
Maybe it was too much to wish for, Abbey now realized. All the repeated vows she made to ease Ellie's insecurities, the pledge she made at Thanksgiving, promising Ellie that she'd only be gone a couple of days to give birth to the new baby, all the stories and reassurances had been worthless. Jed was right. Zoey was receiving all her attention while Liz and Ellie were absently cast aside. It was a bitter realization, soured with a strong mix of guilt and shame.
She extended her elbow and rolled onto her back, her concentration monopolized by regret. The sound of seconds ticking by on the wall clock mingled with her inability to fall asleep, becoming louder, more hallow as time passed. Nearly an hour later, the creaking of the front door jarred her out of her spell and she instantly rose to her feet.
Turning the corner down the hall and into the living room, she saw him. Jed looked tired and sullen standing in the foyer with an ambiguous stare pointed directly at her. He took a few steps towards the living room as he unzipped his forest green jacket and let it drop off his shoulders and onto his hands. He carelessly threw it on a chair, his eyes never leaving hers.
With a good ten feet between them, she simply watched.
"I never blamed you for Zoey," he finally said, a slight edge to his voice. "I need you to know that. It's important to me that you know that, that you believe it."
"Thank you for telling me." He didn't know it at the time, but his adamant affirmation loosened her protective hold over her emotions. He had broken the ice and for the first time that night, she felt like they were on their way to a productive discussion, one that would end in mutual understanding, not a heated argument.
"I should have told you sooner." His lower lip curled under his top one and with an exasperated sigh, he collapsed onto the sofa cushion and hunched over to untie his laces.
"You didn't know. I just assumed you held me responsible and I never told you. I never even asked. I guess that's just something else I kept from you." She lowered her head as she sank onto the cushion of the love seat directly across from him.
"You assumed wrong."
"I've been trying to think of what to say to you all night. I wish there was something I could say to make everything okay again, some magic word to fix things."
"This isn't magic, Abbey. We have some real issues."
"I know," she insisted almost defensively. "I know we do. I just don't know where to start."
After slipping out of his shoes, Jed leaned forward so that his arms rested comfortably on his thighs and his hands hung off his knees, his fingers clasped. He lifted his head up to look at his wife. "I don't either."
At least he was honest. He took the first step. She'd have to take the next. "When I didn't tell you I was having pain when I was pregnant, it was a mistake. Just a stupid mistake. There was no planning or forethought, no conscious choice to leave you in the dark. It was an impulsive and senseless mistake."
"I kind of figured. But Frank Crews..."
"That was different. That was about so much more."
"What was it about?"
"Control," she answered definitively. "As soon as my feet left the ground the night Frankie came after me, I wasn't in control, and, to this day, I can't get rid of that feeling. It haunts me all the time. Even after the attack, I found myself so dependent on my parents and you to help me heal both physically and emotionally, to teach me about a life I didn't even know. Our life. He shattered my independence and every time I think of him, I keep picturing that victim he created."
"You're not a victim. We've both been tossing that word around so carelessly. You're not a victim, Abbey. You're a survivor."
"That's not how I see myself anymore. Most of the time, I'm still his victim. But when I told Mike that I didn't want to testify, for the first time, I felt like I had some control over the situation, as if it was completely up to me, what I wanted...and the last thing I wanted was to get up on that witness stand."
"Because you didn't think you'd win."
"I didn't want to take the chance. I thought about it while I talked to Mike and I made a somewhat impulsive decision."
"Impulsive." He merely repeated the word without a hint of emotion.
"Impulsive in that I didn't take days to agonize over what to do. I knew what I wanted to do. And once it was done, I tried to tell you about it, but I was afraid you'd make me regret that decision. I didn't want to fight with you. Things had been so tense between us and I figured they'd just get worse, so I kept putting it off. I foolishly excluded you and instead of hearing it from me, you found out in court. I know that hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry, Jed."
Jed stood up to approach her, but circled in an erratic path before he sat down. It was as if he wasn't sure exactly how to reach out to her, how to touch her and make things better. Instead, he hovered above her, his arms folded in front of his chest and his eyes now focused on the coffee table between them.
"When I was a little boy, there was this woman, one of our neighbors. Her name was Mrs. Prescott. Every day, I'd ride my bike in front of her house and every day, she'd wave to me from her front porch, say hello, ask how I was. Until one day, she wasn't there. She didn't show up. I went back later that afternoon and she still wasn't there. And then the next day, she wasn't there."
"What happened to her?"
"I didn't know at first. But then, about a week later, she came to our house one night. My mother quickly ushered her inside and sent me and my brother to our rooms. We went, but before I disappeared upstairs, I looked at Mrs. Prescott's face. I noticed the faint bruises around her eyes and her lips. Even her cheekbones were discolored. I knew someone had hit her."
"Who?"
"Her husband. I remember it so well because my mother took me aside when I started asking questions the next day. She told me to take it as a lesson, that a decent man would never, ever hurt a woman."
Abbey smiled sweetly, picturing a young Jed heeding his mother's words. "I always knew she was the reason you turned out the way you did."
"Well, my father, with all his faults, never laid a hand on her."
That hardly made him a saint, Abbey thought to herself. Hitting a child the way John Bartlet hit his son was worse in many ways, but she was unwilling to take away one of the few good thoughts Jed had about his father, so she simply bit her tongue and nodded. "Go on."
"Anyway, Mrs. Prescott didn't press charges and she didn't leave the bastard. I couldn't understand why. Even as a kid, I assumed that if a wife was beaten by her husband, she would leave. She would leave and she'd let the law take care of the rest."
"So why didn't she?"
"Mom explained to me that Mrs. Prescott didn't think she could leave. She didn't have a dime to her name and no one to defend her. She told me that women fight back when they can. But sometimes, they can't because fighting back means they'll prolong a battle they'll lose in the end. That's what she predicted. That's what they both predicted. Before Mrs. Prescott ever filed a police report or talked to anyone, they predicted she'd lose. And that's when I realized."
"What?"
"That women aren't weak. They don't whither away into oblivion." He looked at Abbey for the first time since he began the story as if he was now talking directly to her. "Men just hope they do."
She remained silent for a moment, the obvious question lingering in her mind as she contemplated whether or not she wanted to hear his answer. "Do you think I'm weak?"
Without a moment's hesitation, Jed shook his head. "I think you're the strongest person I've ever met. That's how I know that there's something wrong. If our judicial system could break you, of all people, then it's got some serious problems."
"It didn't break me."
"What I mean..."
"I weighed the options and made an informed decision."
"I know. You didn't let him get away with this. See, one of the things that occurred to me while I was out is that you ensured a conviction. It's a watered-down conviction, yes, but it's a conviction."
"In a perfect world, we could bring him to trial to face a jury of his peers and be punished for what he did, EVERYTHING he did..."
"...but this isn't a perfect world," Jed interjected. He said it with the same sensitivity and sorrow that laced his voice each and every time he was forced to take off his rose-colored glasses and view the reality in front of him. He had such faith in the judicial process. What's wrong is wrong and what's right is right. That's the way this should have worked. But he was now seeing a different kind of justice, one embroiled in legal maneuvers and negotiations designed to bribe a criminal with the promise of minimal punishment.
"No, it isn't."
"You were right. His defense attorney would play up your repressed memories and the way you finally remembered his face and the chance exists that he'd get away with everything."
"That's why I did what I did."
"What I'm trying to say is I understand that now."
"You're not angry?"
"Oh, I'm still angry. I'm angry that you couldn't go to trial. I'm angry that a victim can be led to believe that she's just prolonging a battle she'll end up losing. I'm angry at the system, not at you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. And I'm going to do something about it as soon as the legislative session starts."
The familiar spark was back in his voice. So bold, so determined, Abbey knew that Jed actually could change things. "I have no doubt that you will."
"The CAW isn't enough. When the new session starts, I'm going to work on stronger legislation."
She slid her legs off the cushion and stood to face him, her hands extended, ready to take his. "I love you."
"I love you too," he replied as he entangled their fingers. "I just want you to remember that we're in this together, no matter what."
"I know. I won't keep things like this from you ever again." She wrapped her arms around his midsection as he raised his to cover her upper back.
"I just hate feeling so detached from you. Maybe I should have said something about Zoey and the doctors before this Frank Crews thing came up, but there was so much tension between us. I didn't want to make it worse."
"That's how I felt too."
After holding her tight for several minutes, Jed pulled away just far enough so he could lift her chin. "That reminds me. What I said about Zoey keeping you away from the girls..."
Abbey immediately cut him off. "It's okay. You were right."
"I was?"
"Ellie and I talked about some things and it was awfully clear that you hit that one right on the mark. And Liz...she didn't even want to talk. I'm pretty sure she's mad at me."
"I'll talk to her."
"No. I'll approach her again tomorrow."
His palms curved to gently massage them, Jed lowered his hands to Abbey's shoulders and spun her around as he guided her towards the sofa. "Is that why you didn't go to the hospital tonight?"
She nodded. "I'll go back after breakfast."
"That's where I was - at the hospital."
"How is she?"
"She's good. Patti's on the night shift tonight so she's in safe, capable hands."
"Good." Very well then. That should be the end of it, Abbey hoped. But deep down, she knew better. She squirmed uncomfortably in anticipation and as soon as she turned away, Jed grabbed her arm.
"It's not your fault."
"Jed..."
"It's not. I meant what I said. I don't blame you."
She believed him. She really did. But no one, not even Jed could rid her of the blame she had already inflicted on herself. "I love you for that, but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that I handled it so poorly."
"Handled what?"
Abbey turned into his hold, facing him as she prepared to answer. "The pregnancy, I was so thoughtless and irresponsible."
"What are you talking about?"
"I knew I was underweight and I did nothing about it. I knew I had more pain than I did with Liz and Ellie and I didn't say a word." She wanted to recover from the break in her voice, but her eyes were now shiny with a fresh coat of tears. It was too late to hide it.
"Abbey, you could have been OVERweight and if she had would have been born this early, it wouldn't have mattered."
"It might have. Every ounce makes a difference."
Jed framed her face with his delicate hands. The compassion flowing from his eyes pierced directly into hers and she suddenly stopped moving. "It wouldn't have mattered. None of this is your fault."
Then, like a punch to the stomach, it hit her. The feeling she had been trying to deny, the one provoked by a thought so sickening, so repulsive that every time it occurred to her, it caused her to gasp through a wave of nausea as she tried to claw her way out of a narrow tunnel closing around her. She had never dared to say it out loud. Not until now.
"I wanted a boy," she confessed in a remorseful, low-pitched whisper that Jed barely heard. He looked at her, his brows creasing as he mentally replayed the admission.
"What?"
"I thought we were having a boy and when you told me it was a girl, I was...for a minute...I was disappointed." Divulging the secret she had kept so safely guarded stirred the crippling pain embedded inside her and allowed her to finally release the threatening sob she had managed to keep at bay. "When you told me, my first thought was that I didn't want another girl. I HATE myself for that."
"Oh, Abbey."
"I love her so much, Jed. How could I EVER have wanted anyone but her?"
Jed pulled her into another embrace, comforting her with loving strokes down the length of her hair and onto her back as she wept on his shoulder. "I know you do. You fought so hard for her the day she was born."
"It wasn't enough." She emphatically shook her head against his hold, so distraught that he wasn't sure anything could calm her.
"Shhh. Abbey, honey, she's getting stronger every day. She's going to pull through this. Just wait and see." He backed away from her and took her face in his hands once again. This time, he swiped his thumb under her eye to dry the tears just as fast as they came. "Don't do this to yourself."
"If she doesn't make it..."
"Stop. She will make it. She's growing, right? She's growing and she's wiggling a lot now. When you first had her, she was perfectly still. Remember?"
Abbey reached up to her cheeks to feel his hand against her skin. "She is moving a lot. And she's gaining weight."
"Yes, she is. Patti said tonight that we may even get to hold her soon." Jed let go as he gingerly took a tissue to the residual moisture on her face.
"Do you really think she's going to be okay?"
In his soul, Jed believed their baby girl would survive, but a tiny morsel of doubt gnawed at his brain. He was torn between offering her instant comfort, possibly giving her false hope in the process, and reminding her that, scientifically, he couldn't anticipate Zoey's recovery.
Before he answered, he glanced at the desperation on her face. The doctor in Abbey knew the pitfalls of medical science. She knew that nothing was for certain. What she needed now, what she was really asking, was his heartfelt opinion, most likely derived from the part of him that remained faithful to his religion.
"I really think she's going to be okay." He said it slowly, taking a deliberate breath after every single word.
Abbey acknowledged his tender delivery and curled up against his chest as she softened her body and relaxed her muscles. "I think so too."
"Abbey?"
"Yeah?"
"Earlier, when I mentioned your appearance..."
"It's okay."
"No, it isn't because it wasn't about the way you look. You're incredibly beautiful, Abbey. I love the way you look. I've always loved the way you look. But I am worried about you."
"I know." Neglecting herself wasn't a conscious choice. Countless hours in a hospital NICU with nothing but stress feeding the adrenaline that coursed through her veins had taken its toll. She wouldn't eat because she wasn't hungry. She couldn't sleep because a restful slumber wasn't a possibility. She denied it to herself, but it all caught up to her as soon as Jed noticed.
"You have to start taking care of yourself, eating regularly, sleeping. You have to keep yourself healthy so that we can both take care of Zoey when she comes home."
"I am healthy." A weak and futile argument even in her opinion, but if there was any hope of stifling the lecture churning inside Jed, she had to make it.
"No, you're not."
Her hand rested against his chest to prop herself back as she gazed up at him. "I'm unhealthy?"
"You don't eat anything. You barely sleep. Yeah, you're unhealthy."
"And how many cigarettes have you had today?"
"We're not talking about my smoking. We're talking about you."
"And how I'm unhealthy?"
"Yes."
"Who's the MD in this family?"
"Truthfully? It's hard to tell sometimes." His serious expression gave way to a gentle smile. "I want my girl back, just as tenacious and energetic as she was before. Assertive yet endearing, fiercely aggressive yet infinitely forgiving."
The twinkle in his eye and the sweet smirk on his face when he winked at her only solidified his passion. She couldn't exactly deny his point, nor did she want to.
"I'll take better care of myself if you quit punching walls." His eyes followed hers to the bruises that marked his knuckles with evidence of his earlier outburst in court. She raised his hands to her lips and softly kissed them.
"That's a pretty safe deal." They sat quietly for the next few minutes, their hands still joined and both staring straight ahead. "I could make you an itinerary."
"An itinerary?" Surely, he was kidding.
"Yeah. You know, mapping out when you should be eating, what time you should be sleeping, etcetera."
With a raised brow, Abbey cocked her head to his side. "What?"
"Should I? Should I make you a schedule?
"Only if you're delusional enough to think I'd follow it."
"There's always hope that you'll eventually reach the conclusion that I know what's best." He was nothing if not transparent. His beaming arrogance was just a cover.
"Jackass," she muttered as she rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"That's it. That's what I wanted." He leaned down to steal a kiss. "Now I know I have my girl back."
TBC