"Hello?"
"Summer, it's me."
"Cohen, what the hell? Are you okay? Is everything okay?"
"Mom and Dad are still taking shifts with him," Seth says. "I'm sorry I didn't call…"
""What the fuck, Cohen? It's been 3 days, please give me more than that." I'm hurt that he didn't call. I can't believe after all we've been through this summer that he'd just forget to call.
"It's Ryan." And I understand. He's so worried about Chino. He hasn't been the same since he glimpsed him all thugged out a few weeks ago.
"Okay."
"He o.d.'d."
"What?"
"He's…he's so fucked up…it's so fucked up…" He whispers. He sounds so sad.
"Where are you, baby?"
"I'm home. To get some things."
"I'll be right there."
I make it to his house in ten minutes. He's waiting by the Range Rover. "I'm driving." I don't even turn off my engine.
"Summer." He looks beaten. His eyes are glazed with exhaustion and worry. Pain.
"I'm rested. Let me drive."
He gets into my car and gives me tired directions.
I let him be silent, I can tell that this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to him. It's unnerving for him to be this silent.
"Seth? What's going on?"
He sighs.
"I don't know what to do if I don't know what's happened…"
"Ryan…he's hooked on drugs…"
"Oh my god…"
"I better start over. There's this chick, Roxie, and she called Dad, just on a whim, she was so stoned, Summer…but something made her call Dad when he o.d.'d…and she says that Ryan had just started using heroin and the coke…"
"Slow down, Cohen…" I can't believe Chino would use drugs. It's totally unlike him.
"Yeah…anyway…Ryan was upset because Eddie told him that Teresa's baby isn't his…"
"Not Eddie's?"
"The kid's not Ryan's…"
I don't know what to say. This is so twisted.
"She's known and Mom just flipped out, she reported the house and got them arrested…"
"What house?" I'm trying to follow.
"Ryan's house, he lived with Eddie and Teresa…it's fucked up…"
"Seth. How is he?"
"He's detoxing…he's…he's so messed up, Summer…"
"I'm so sorry…" I have no words for him. I squeeze his hand.
"He's so angry…mean…I can't…I don't even recognize him…he hates us…"
He doesn't hate you…"
"Mom and Dad won't even let me see him…"
"Seth…"
"It's like…he won't stop fighting us…even though he's got nowhere else to go…"
"God, Seth, I'm sure he's just really messed up right now, he's going to come around…" I wish I believed it.
----
"Doctor?"
"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen. Sorry for the wait."
"How is he?"
"He's sleeping. He's exhausted but I think the worst of the withdrawal is behind him. The nurses tell me that you stayed with him."
I answer before Sandy can. "Yes. He shouldn't be alone."
The doctor gives us a sympathetic look. He must pity us with a junkie runaway son. He must think we're awful parents.
"Ryan…when's the last time you saw him eat?"
"He hasn't lived with us for a few months…"
"Before that…did he have many stomach problems? Did he eat?"
"Of course." Does he think we'd starve him?
"He has an ulcer. Probably stress related."
"Is it recent?"
"No. It's probably been bothering him for years."
"God…" He's so sick and I didn't know, I had no idea. I believed that he was okay, that he could do this all alone.
"Now that he's physically on the mend…has Ryan ever attempted suicide?"
"No, never…" Sandy says immediately. "This is all…just wrong…"
The doctor doesn't understand. He's never seen my Ryan, our Ryan.
"I appreciate that Ryan was a good kid…"
"He's still a good kid…"
"He has a serious drug problem. He's depressed, violent and I think he's a danger to himself."
"Doctor…he's going through a rough time…" Sandy starts.
"What do you suggest, Doctor? He's not our biological child, he spent a year with us and we love him like our own…what are we supposed to do? I won't have him locked away…he's not a bad kid, he's just stubborn and he's lost…he's so lost…" Sandy puts his arm around me. I need him.
"I think we should keep him a couple of days. We'll get some psych consults, a family counselor and then we'll talk again. But I recommend that now his system is clean…that we leave the restraints on."
"He's not an animal…"
The doctor gives me a patient look. "I know this is hard. But I think that Ryan is a suicide risk. He's hit rock bottom. I know that you want him to know that you love him, but to him…it's like he's failed, he's having to face you after thoroughly ruining his own life…"
He's right.
"I think he should stay," Sandy says. "But the restraints…"
"Temporarily. We'll go hour to hour, okay? We're going to monitor him closely."
Sandy embraces me once the doctor leaves us.
"He's going to be okay…"
"I know…" Sandy whispers.
"He has to be…"
---------
It's quiet. Someone's snoring. Seth.
I'm strapped down again.
I'm sober. God. Hell.
"Do you want some coffee?" Kirsten whispers.
"Sure," Sandy replies.
"I need to walk."
"Can I come with you?" Summer's voice surprises me.
"Thank you, Summer."
I hear the door close. That leaves Sandy and Seth. I don't want this.
"Ryan?" Sandy says my name tentatively..
I don't want this. I can't do this.
"Ryan, are you awake?" He's so worried. He sounds so tired.
I open my eyes and see him sitting beside me. Seth is sleeping on a small cot a few feet away.
He's not mad. He should be. He should be trying to lock me away. He shouldn't care.
"How do you feel?" He asks.
"Shitty."
He seems upset that I'm in restraints. He keeps glancing from my face to my wrists.
"Why can't you let me go?" My voice is hoarse.
"The doctors want to make sure…"
"Not the straps. I don't give a fuck about the straps. Why don't you go? Why can't you leave?"
"Because I love you."
"You don't even know me."
"Yes, I do…"
"You don't know the things I've done…"
"It doesn't matter, none of that matters…"
But it does. I can't look at him. I crossed a line and there's no going back.
"Ryan. I don't care what you've done. I know that you are a good kid…thing just got out of control and you…"
"I knew exactly what I was doing…"
"Ryan…"
"I made my choice…"
"It was the wrong choice," Seth says.
"I can't take any of it back. It's done." I can't go back to the shiny world of Newport and their perfect little family.
"It's in the past. It's done. Now you come home."
"I don't have a home anymore. I gave that up…I can't…just leave…"
"You have nowhere else to go. Eddie and Teresa are in jail. You have to move on and get over this…"
I close my eyes. They had Teresa and Eddie arrested. Oh god.
"We want to help you…"
I can't listen. I tune him out. It doesn't matter.
"Ryan." He shakes me and I have to look at him. "You will get through this. You have to let us help you. Please…"
"Stop…"
"Ryan…"
"Just stop…" I want him to go. I need him to go. Can't he see that he's killing me?
"Ryan, I'm not leaving."
"You're our family," Seth calls. "Remember when we got Hailey from that club? We couldn't leave LA without her and we're not leaving Chino without you."
I close my eyes and turn my face away. I want to be cold. Indifferent. Hard.
But I have nothing left to fight for. I have nothing. Nothing except my sins.
------
"Hey, mom."
She looks better now that she's rested. Summer had sat with her while she slept a few hours in our hotel room.
She hugs me. "How are you?"
"I'm okay. The second shrink is meeting with Ryan now." The first one was a drug counselor. This one was supposed to try and figure out why he's so fucked up.
"I know this is hard for you…" She starts.
"If I had stayed, given him some support…"
"Seth. This isn't your fault. Ryan…he's troubled…."
"But he's always had his baggage, mom…"
"Teresa tricked him. He's a survivor. He did what he thought he had to do to survive. I don't think he knows how to ask for help…"
"He's asked me before…for help…he trusted me and…I was supposed to have his back…"
"You have it now. We have to stick by him. We have to prove to him that we're not giving up on him."
"I know." I know. But it's so hard.
"I know it's hard." She can read me. "But we can't give up…"
"I'm not giving up…but…I just wish he'd give us something to show us that…that he's still in there…"
She embraces me again. My mom's not even a hugger. She loves Ryan, too.
"Mom…"
"He's still in there, Seth…"
I believe her. I believe that he's still in there. I just wish I could see it.
----
"Ryan. I know how hard it was for you to talk to me." This doctor was a thin young woman with eyes like Kirsten's. And I was too tired to fight her. I had actually talked to her. Told her just enough to make her understand.
I am a criminal. I can't go back to the Cohen, I won't bring this into their life. I couldn't take their charity, I can't let them fix this. I earned this.
I'm so tired of being angry. I'd love to just give in and let the Cohens take me back…
But I can't.
I can't.
"Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"If I take off the restraints…can I trust that you won't try to run or hurt yourself?"
"Yeah…"
She gently releases my wrists and ankles from the restraints.
It's interesting. I'm numb but this small change is nice.
"Ryan. The Cohens…they're not going to go away. They care about you. You care about them, don't you?"
I rub my wrists. They're bruised. I've always bruised easily, but the past few months, they take forever to fade. I'm shaking.
They're my medals. My proof of life.
"I think you should talk to them."
I nod and it seems to satisfy her.
"I'll be back in a couple of hours. Will you be here?"
"I'll try."
"Okay. That's all I can ask." She gives me a smile that I can't return.
She leaves and I take the moment of solitude to stretch my stiff muscles. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed. My muscles are weak but I have to use the bathroom. I stagger a little and have to support myself with the wall. I make sure not to rip out the i.v. as I pull it behind me.
When I emerge from the bathroom, Sandy is sitting by the bed. He stands up but I make it to the bed unaided.
"The doctor said…"
"Sandy," I sigh before he continues.
"It's nice to see you lucid."
"Wish it felt nice," I mutter.
"You okay?" He asks. He's so concerned.
"I'm intact."
He doesn't speak again until I sit down on the bed. I rearrange the i.v.
"So. Are you still angry at me?"
"Why would I be angry at you?" I'm not angry at him. I could never be angry at Sandy. He gave me my one taste of a real life. He showed me that happiness does exist. I'm the one that ruined it.
"You…I'm sorry. I don't really know what to say to you."
"Sandy Cohen at a loss for words? Unbelievable."
He smiles but I can't. I lower my gaze. I never wanted this. Another rescue. Another disappointment. He doesn't deserve this.
"I know you've been talking all day. But will you…can you talk to me?"
I should have known.
"We can take a walk. You can have a cigarette before Kirsten comes back."
Cigarettes. First, I'm freed from the straps and now he's offering me a cigarette.
"Come on. You've been strapped down for days."
He's right. A cigarette and getting out of this room would be nice.
"Ryan?"
"Okay." I replace the i.v. on the portable stand and when I stand up, Sandy is beside me. I don't lean on him, I use the stand to support myself.
It's a short walk to the secluded smoking area. I must be in the psych ward because only patients are in the small garden.
Sandy hands me a pack of cigarettes. Unopened. "That's your brand, right?"
I wonder how he knows my brand but I don't ask. I light a cigarette with a shaking hand. The fresh air and the nicotine make me dizzy so I sit down before Sandy can see it.
"Thanks." I have to say it and I mean it. The cigarette is a blessing. I didn't believe it was possible, but it makes me feel better. Normal. Even if it's not enough, it's something.
Sandy is relieved. The familiar optimism is in his eyes again. Something I've done has given him hope. I've made a mistake.
"Ryan…can you tell me what happened?"
"What happened? What the hell does that mean?" My life's a fucking narrative now, it has to be summed up in 100 words or less. I can't tell him. I can't summarize this wreck.
"You left Newport. You were staying with Teresa and her mom."
I sigh. I inhale the smoke. I owe him an explanation. I won't make excuses, there is no excuse, but I owe him an explanation.
"Ryan…"
"Eva kicked us out. Said if we wouldn't get married that she didn't want a bastard in her house." I keep my voice as level as I can. "I'd put in so many fucking applications…I got rejected every time. My record kept me out of the legit places and Dawn and Trey had fucked over every other place, and my name was enough to keep me out."
"Okay." He's listening.
"So I started scamming cards. Got some money saved up. Dawn introduced me to her dealer. I had the capital and I started selling…"
"Selling what?"
"Whatever you need," I reply automatically.
He nods, his eyes lowered. Good. I'm not proud. He's finally getting it. I'm sure by the time I finish, he'll see that I'm not worth his time.
"Go on."
"Finally, after a few weeks, I had enough…customers…that I took over the guy's business."
"How?"
"I beat the fuck out of him." I really did. I stabbed him twice, once in the shoulder and again in the thigh. I'll never forget the feeling of that knife sliding into his flesh. He had begged me to stop. He had begged me for his life.
"Did you…"
"I didn't kill him." I could have. The power had been intoxicating. I could have killed him.
"Eddie…"
"He kept me level-headed. He made me stop. Took the kid to the hospital."
"Ryan…what about Eddie? And Teresa?"
"He never hit her. That black eye was from where she got drunk and crashed his car."
"So she really planned all this to get to you?" Sandy is horrified. I don't know if it's from my story or from his realization that Teresa is capable of something like that. It doesn't matter.
"I don't know. But Eddie…he loved her…and I couldn't…" Teresa had changed. "So I trusted Eddie and he…he's so scared of me that he came along to take care of her…"
Sandy's looking at me and I can see the question in his eyes.
"I never hit her. I could barely touch her."
"Ryan, what about Roxie?"
I'm still confused as to how they know Roxie. I barely knew Roxie. "What about her?"
"Who is she to you?"
"Nobody…she was just a girl…we had sex, got high together…had sex…"
"She saved your life. She called us…"
"Roxie…I never told her about you…"
"She had your phone. She called…said you shouldn't be alone…she talked to Seth and Kirsten."
I'm genuinely surprised. I had no idea she cared. How could she care about someone like me?
"Ryan?"
"She's a stripper…we'd get high and we'd…"
"You let her…'pierce' you?"
I smile despite myself. "Sandy, don't say 'pierce'."
He lets out a nervous laugh. I light another cigarette.
"What's that all about? The…rings and the tattoos?"
I shrug. "I don't know. I guess…it's pain on my own terms…a badge of honor…" I must look insane to them. Roxie had put two small hoops through the edge of my lower lip plus the ones in my chin, tongue and eyebrow. "She says it makes me beautiful…"
Sandy seems startled. "Ryan…she hurt you…"
"I hurt her, too…"
"You scratched her? Stuck needles in her?"
"No…she didn't hurt me…I let her…" He doesn't understand. I let her mark me.
"Why?" He whispers. "I don't understand…"
"She made me feel again…"
Sandy sighs and lets the subject drop. I take another long drag off the cigarette. He watches me. I'm a stranger to him but he searches my face for remnants of the kid he knew.
"I don't care, Ryan. I'm not proud of you, I'm not ashamed of you, I just want you to come home," He says quietly.
I can't go back. I won't destroy his life.
"Ryan…"
"Mr. Cohen? We need to take your son for some tests."
His son. She's all wrong. I'm not his son. His son is not capable of this. I'm nobody's son.
/-/--/
The doctors tell the Cohens that Ryan will be gone for a few hours and they go out for dinner.
The nurses replace the restraints when they finally return him to the room. He's too tired to say anything. He hadn't fought them, he'd answered all their questions and done everything that they asked.
He just wants to sleep. They'd given him something to relax him for the tests and he closes his eyes, indifferent to the discomfort of the restraints. He knows that he deserves to be in chains.
"God," She whispers.
He looks at her, confused. "Rox?"
She's dressed down. She's in disarray. She's wearing tight black jeans and a tube top but she's not together. He doesn't recognize the look in her eyes.
"You're…I'm so sorry…"
"Why?" He asks.
"They're killing you…"
"I'm okay."
She approaches nervously. "Can I rescue you? I mean, I can't take you home, the cops…"
"I know."
"But you can stay with me…"
"Rox…"
She touches his face. Her eyes are glazed and he can tell that she's stoned. He closes his eyes and she explores his face with her fingertips.
"I'm so sorry…"
He's exhausted suddenly. He must be dreaming. "Don't. This isn't your fault," He whispers.
"Are you alone?"
"You're here, aren't you?"
She has tears in her eyes. She's nervous. She shouldn't have come. This is too much for her. "I brought you something…" She pulls out a small baggie of cocaine.
He turns his face away, affected.
She regrets it immediately. "I'm sorry, Ryan…I don't know…I don't know what I'm doing…I miss you…"
"Don't…you don't know me well enough to miss me…I'm nobody…"
She's nobody, too. She climbs into his bed, not unstrapping him. She slides an arm under him and drapes her body across his. She wraps herself around him. He's shaking.
"I'm so sorry…"
"Me, too…" He whispers. She knows he's bad. She's bad, too. He lets her hold him. She understands.
---
I have to admit, this is the first kid I've talked to in months that has absolutely intrigued me. When I got the case file, all I saw was a seventeen year old junkie. But his family, his foster family, actually cares about him. They are genuinely good people.
The kid is pretty messed up, as most kids I see are. But he's different. He loves these people and he thinks he's protecting them. He's terrified of hurting them. He's emotionally shut down. He feels, but doesn't let anyone see.
I want to help this kid. The Cohens showed me his school records and their description of him gives me chills. He's a good kid.
When I step into the room, I notice an extra body in the bed. A girl. A woman.
"Excuse me, this is a private room."
The girl looks at me with panicked eyes. Ryan's asleep. She disentangles her limbs from his and stands up.
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to see him…"
"Miss, did you give him drugs?" I can see she's using.
"No…I tried, but he got upset…I just wanted to help…"
"Drugs don't help," I say. The kid turned down drugs, he didn't leave with this girl. And she stayed. There is something about this kid.
"But he's so sad," She says, her gaze drawn to him.
The door opens behind me. "Doctor Adams?" It's Mrs. Cohen
"I'm sorry, I'm leaving," The girl says.
"Roxie?" Mrs. Cohen calls.
The girl pushes past us and runs down the hallway.
"What happened? Is he okay? Did she hurt him?"
"Mrs. Cohen…"
"Kirsten," She corrects me as she rushes to Ryan's side. She searches his body for injuries.
"She was lying in bed with him when I got here. She said she offered him drugs and he got upset…"
"Did he take them?" Her eyes are angry. She's protective. Territorial.
"I don't think so. It's a good sign, Kirsten. He didn't leave with her. She didn't even untie him…"
"She hurt him…she's the one that pierced him…" Kirsten whispers, brushing his hair out of his eyes.
"I'll make sure she's not allowed back…"
"Ryan? Ryan, honey?"
He opens his eyes sluggishly. "Kirsten?" He's disoriented and he tries to get up. I unstrap his wrists and ankles.
"Did she hurt you?" Kirsten asks, lifting him into a rough embrace.
"Who?" He asks, confused.
"That girl, did you take anything?"
"What? Oh no…"
"You swear?"
"I didn't…" He says, his eyes still flashing with confusion.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Ryan." He's guilty but he didn't do anything.
"Ryan…"
He pulls out of her embrace as if chastened and wraps his arms around himself. "I didn't ask her here…I didn't ask you here, either," He says. "I didn't ask either of you to care…"
"I'm just worried about you," Kirsten says. No matter how many times she says it, he doesn't understand. Whoever raised him didn't love him. He doesn't understand how someone could love him.
"Stop," He whispers. "Leave me alone…"
"No…" Kirsten has tears in her eyes.
"All I do is make you cry…just go…" He looks at me, helplessly. "Can't you make her go?"
"Ryan, she cares about you. Can't you let her?" I'm watching him carefully. His hands are clenched into fists and he's completely tense.
"No…I can't…"
Blood starts to trickle between his knuckles. I reach over and try to unball his fists. His nails are cutting into his palms.
Kirsten sees it and takes his other hand. "Stop, Ryan…stop it…please…"
"Relax, Ryan, you're safe…" I hit the button for the nurse. She'll bring a team because she knows I'm here for a session.
"Ryan, please…" Kirsten urges and the kid relaxes. I gently close the restraint over the wrist in my grasp.
"Do you have to do that?" She asks.
"It's okay," He whispers with his eyes closed. "It's safer…" He murmurs as I fasten the strap around his other wrist.
"You're not dangerous," She says. She's so caring that its hard for me to believe that they only spent a year together. She loves him and he's terrified of hurting her.
A group of nurses arrive.
"Clip his nails and take care of his hands…" I tell them. "Kirsten. Can I speak with you?"
----
"Hey, man."
"Seth. Summer." I acknowledge them. I'm surprised to see Summer concerned. I expected disgust or anger but not concern. But she loves Seth so it's understandable.
Kirsten hadn't returned after the doctor left with her. I'd actually slept a little. I'm so tired.
Seth silently unstraps my hands and ankles. "Don't freak out. Mom says we can take you for a cigarette."
"Your mom says I can smoke?"
Seth smiles slightly. "Okay. Mom said to take you for a walk and the doctor said cigarette."
"Damn, you're bruised," Summer says, looking at my wrists as I rub my face.
"He's malnourished. Look at his hand," Seth remarks.
My hand with the i.v. is completely blue around the small needle in my vein. The tape holding it in is lined with blue.
"Come on, Chino. Let's get you some air." Summer hangs the saline bag on the portable stand as Seth pulls me gently to my feet.
They don't care that I can walk, each of them take an arm and guide me outside. It's night and the small smoking area is deserted but lit by lamps.
"If you tell mom, I'll kick your ass," Seth says as he lights a cigarette before passing the pack to me.
"Like you could kick his ass," Summer replies. She has lit one of her own.
We smoke in silence.
"So, Chino. What's up with the stripper?" Summer asks.
"Roxie?"
"Yeah. Mom said she came by," Seth replies.
She did. I missed the confrontation, I was so tired, but I knew that she had come.
"She likes you," Seth says.
"She came by." I sit down.
"What happened?" He probes.
"She said she was sorry…wanted me to come home with her…"
"But you said no. To her drugs, right?" Summer speaks for Seth.
"I didn't say anything. I didn't know she…"
"She's bad for you. Piercings are so not fashionable," Summer says.
"Nipple rings, Ryan? I thought Mom was going to fall over," Seth grins.
"No way, let me see..." Summer gasps. She pulls up my shirt and I don't protest. Their banter is relaxing. It doesn't matter that I'm on display.
"Damn…don't they hurt?" Seth asks.
Summer lets my shirt go at the bottom and pulls at my collar to see my tattoos.
"Not really."
"Is Roxie pierced like that?" Seth asks. Summer glares at him and I can't stop from smiling.
"Don't answer that," She warns me.
Roxie's pierced everywhere. On Saturdays she wears a chain connecting them all. 25$ cover. I don't answer.
"Have you seen this?" Summer asks. Seth stands up and moves behind me, examining Roxie's artwork.
"It's beautiful…"
"She's good," Seth whispers.
"Have you seen it, Ryan?" She asks.
"It's a dead rose," I reply. I don't need to see it. I can feel it.
"It says 'pain'," Seth says.
I feel Summer's fingers pressing against the skin of my lower back. She pulls at my waistband.
"Stand up, Chino..."
"Why?"
"We need to see your ass," She replies.
I'm curious so I stand up. Her fingers move across my back.
"Tasty. Sexy. Beautiful," She reads.
"Lust. Sinful," Seth continues. "Dangerous. Hot."
"That's on me?" I didn't know.
"You didn't know?"
"There's more," Summer says.
"Tragic. Tainted. Guilty," Seth recites.
I take a deep drag off my cigarette.
"Mom's going to kill you," Seth says.
"You just let her write on you?" Summer asks.
I shrug.
"You haven't met her," Seth says.
"When did you meet her?" I ask.
"When…when you first got here," He answers.
"How long have I been here?"
"A few days. Five at least."
"Damn." That's a long time to be in limbo. I sit down again.
"Why'd you turn Roxie down?" Seth asks.
I don't have an answer. I don't know.
"Seth, he knows. He knows that he's made mistakes," Summer says quietly. She's defending me.
They're both silent.
"Thank you," Seth says.
"What?" I don't understand.
"Thank you for trying. You knew it was wrong and…" Seth begins.
"I didn't…" I start. I didn't do anything.
"You did the right thing, Ryan. See…I made a mistake…I'm never going to abandon you again, I was selfish and I was only thinking about myself and…" He gushes suddenly.
"Seth…"
"No," He continues. "I left you. I left Summer and I don't deserve forgiveness but I promise that I will never let you down again."
He's serious. He blames himself. But this is my fault. I did this. I made this choice.
"Do you love her?" Summer asks.
"Who?" I'm confused.
"Roxie," She says. She's returned the conversation to it's original subject, smoothing over Seth's tangent.
"I don't know. No. She's just…" I can't explain this.
"She's just a fuck?" She offers.
"She's…" I can't explain it. I'm attracted to her. But we don't have a relationship. There's no emotions, just the attraction. We're kindred.
"She's not like you. She's different. You have somewhere to go, somewhere to turn," Seth says.
"To you? I'm supposed to turn to you?"
"Yes," He says urgently. "This isn't you, you can come home now…"
"This is me…"
"Ryan…"
"You have no idea what I'm capable of…"
Seth is silent.
"You did what you thought you had to do," Summer says quietly. "God knows, you put your all into it. You're like a little gangster now…"
I take a long drag off my cigarette.
"Ryan…" Seth starts.
"I didn't say anything to Roxie. She waved a bag at me and I didn't say anything…I couldn't…"
"What happened?" Seth asks.
"She…she just laid down. We slept."
"That's it?" Summer asks.
"That's it? Isn't that enough?" Seth asks.
"I just expected more kink…" Summer shrugs.
"You okay?" Seth asks me suddenly. I must have been quiet too long.
"Let's get you back inside," Summer says.
I'm grateful. I want to sleep. I'm tired of talking.
-----
I wake up and she's straddling me. She's put my ankles and wrists into restraints because I remember falling asleep without them.
"Hey, baby…" She says, kissing me.
"Roxie, you're not supposed to be here…"
"You, either…" She replies. Something's changed. Something's wrong. She's upset, her eyes are crazy and wild. I've never seen her this high. Something's wrong.
"What…" She covers my mouth with her hand.
"Things are pretty messed up…and I just want to stop the pain…for both of us…"
She's serious. I feel around for the call button but I can't find it and I can't get up to help her. She keeps her hand over my mouth.
"Roxie. What are you doing here?" Seth calls. I can't see him, Roxie is obstructing my view. I don't want to bite her hand but I can't breath.
"Get off him!" Summer yells.
"I'm going to make his pain stop…he wants to come with me…" She has a syringe. Oh god. I know immediately that it's too much. A shot that big is going to kill me.
Roxie's already gone. I can see it in her eyes, that glazed dull look. The knowing. She's already taken her dose. Oh god.
"Security! Security!" Seth is yelling in panic.
Roxie ignores Summer pulling at her as she tries to find a vein. I feel the sharp stab into my arm several times. She's too fucked up for this. She misses and it hurts.
"Stop, Roxie…" She releases my mouth and I gasp for breath, trying to wrestle my arm out of her reach.
Not in front of Seth. Not like this.
"It's for the best, baby…" She says. She kisses me as the drugs start to burn a hole in my arm.
Summer slaps at my arm and I feel the needle snap as Roxie is pulled off me.
"Ryan? Ryan, are you all right?"
My heart's beating so fast and I can't answer him. Please don't let him see me die.
"Oh god…Seth…she's dying…" Summer's voice brings me out of my spiral.
She stopped the pain.
She wanted to take me with her.
I close my eyes and try to turn away.
She's dead. She's fucking dead.
"Ryan. Ryan, man…" Seth's voice is urgent.
"Somebody do something!" Summer shrieks.
I can't do anything. It's over.
---
"Seth? What happened?" I embrace my son. Sandy is outside with Summer.
"We stepped out for coffee and when we came back, she was on top of him…"
"Roxie?"
"She's dead…"
What? I release him and study his terrified eyes.
"She killed herself, she tried to kill Ryan…she had this needle and she tried to inject him…and then she just died…and he wouldn't say anything…"
He's so scared. I don't know what to say. I hold him tightly against me. "Seth, honey, it's okay…"
"I saw her die…"
"Seth…" He cries. He shouldn't have been here. This shouldn't have happened. Ryan shouldn't even know that girl. She shouldn't have died.
"Go find Ryan," Seth says, pulling away. He's strong. He wipes his face. "I need to go check on Summer."
"Are you okay?"
"I will be."
I watch him walk away before I go toward the nurses' station. Doctor Adams is waiting for me.
"How is he?"
"He's going to be okay. But it's definitely a setback. His friend is dead and he blames himself. He says she didn't flip until he went into the hospital."
"As far as I can tell, he didn't even love this girl…"
"I know. That's another source of his guilt. A girl he didn't even care about…cared about him this much. I don't think he had any idea that she was suicidal."
"Can I see him?" I have to see him. She walks with me.
"We're monitoring him. She injected him with a small dose of heroin but luckily your son and his girlfriend managed to get the syringe out before…before she could give it all to him. She missed the vein completely and we've counteracted it…but he's very shaken," She explains.
I can't believe this. He's supposed to be safe. He's safe…
"He's a strong young man, but this…"
"I know." I push open the door to his room.
He's sitting up and staring at the wall. He's not restrained but he has his hands lying at his side.
"Hey." I sit down on the edge of his bed and take his hand. The i.v. has to hurt him considering the harshness of the bruise. His palm has the curved cuts from his nails. His wrists are blue. He's easily broken and I never knew.
"It doesn't matter what I do…" He says quietly.
"This isn't your fault…"
"She's dead and I didn't even know her real name…she came to take me with her…and I didn't want to go…" He whispers. His blue eyes are pale with confusion. He doesn't understand why he can't do anything right. This isn't his fault.
I embrace him. He doesn't cry. He shakes in my arms. He doesn't put his arms around me but I don't let him go. I want to make him better. I want to be his mother. I'm grateful that he doesn't pull away. He doesn't hug me but he lets me hold him.
"Everything's going to be okay."
And he starts to cry silently. He doesn't believe me.
--