"So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead...

Your halo slipping down to choke you now..."

--A Perfect Circle

"I want him out of this hospital."

"Mrs. Cohen…"

Nothing they say will change my mine. He was supposed to be safe here.

"We're taking him home." Sandy squeezes my hand. I need his support.

The doctor is dismayed but she nods. "I'll get the paperwork. I'll also write some prescriptions for him."

"Thank you," Sandy says. He embraces me once the doctor leaves.

"We're doing the right thing," I whisper.

"I know. We're bringing him home."

I don't know why we have to convince each other but…Ryan's not the same. Everything that we loved about him is gone. He's dark. He's given everything he has and there's nothing left.

"We should go tell him," Sandy says. We start down the hallway.

He's right. We have to tell him.

It's only been a few hours since Roxie died but it's like Ryan's fading before our eyes. There's no anger left in him now. No hope.

As we step in, I can see that Seth is still trying to treat Ryan like the boy he remembers. He's talking to him about random things and Ryan is taking it all in but he's not responding. He's too old, too broken to care about Seth's ramblings but he won't hurt his feelings. He seems calmer from Seth's presence. Summer is sitting on Seth's lap and is holding Ryan's hand.

His legs are curled against him and he's lying on his side. He's shaking but he's alive.

"Ryan. We're taking you home," Sandy says quietly.

His blue eyes flicker from Seth and focus on Sandy. "No."

"Ryan, it's time for you to move on. Leave this behind and come home…"

"I won't…"

"Please stop fighting us." I put my hand against his cheek. "Please. We'll work everything out…"

"I can't…" He believes it. He believes that he can't come home.

"You belong with us. Family doesn't care about your mistakes. We don't care about what you've done, we care about you…" Sandy urges.

Ryan shakes his head. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because we love you. It's time to come home."

He closes his eyes and brings his hands to his face.

"You don't have to do it all by yourself anymore," Sandy starts.

"Please, Ryan…" Seth whispers.

And when Ryan hears Seth's plea, he lowers his hands and I recognize him. I can see through his mask and I see my son. Ryan. He will do anything for Seth.

"Please," Seth repeats. "Try again. This is your second chance."

Ryan doesn't answer.

"Ryan, are you going to keep fighting us on this?" Sandy asks.

I think we all let out a breath when he answers. "No."

"Are you going to run off?"

"No…I'll go…I'll do whatever you want…" He consents.

"Really?" Seth puts his hand on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan looks at him and nods. Summer grins widely, able to express the relief that the rest of us are too exhausted to show.

----------------

Ryan was always a quiet kid. But he's silent now. He's sitting on the back seat of the Rover with a lighter in his hands. His blue eyes are locked on the object and he flicks it obsessively, twirling it in his fingers.

I have to break the silence. Kirsten's jumpy too, but it's from worry. She seems relieved when I speak. "Hey, kid. You hungry?"

"No thanks," He murmurs, not looking up.

"It's a long ride Ryan. You can stretch out and sleep if you want," Kirsten offers.

"I'm okay." He still doesn't look up. I'm looking in the mirror when he finally glances up. He brushes his shaggy hair out of his eyes and takes a shaky breath. The silver hoops and barbells in his face can't hide his vulnerability anymore.

"Is there anything you need?" Kirsten asks, turning to face him.

"I'm really okay, guys. Relax." He flips the lighter in his hands.

Kirsten glances at me as she settles into her seat again.

"What's going to happen to me?" He asks quietly. I barely catch his words but Kirsten hears them.

"You're coming home," Kirsten starts, just as quietly. "No more drugs. No more violence. No more metallic objects in your face. You will accept your place in this family and you will leave everything that happened in Chino where you left it. It's over."

I see Ryan's face in the mirror. He's listening. After seeing him last week, I never expected him to be in my presence willingly. Even now, he's not exactly willing, but he's here and he's listening. Roxie's death has broken something in him.

Kirsten turns around in the seat again. "We are going to help you. But you have to let us."

He nods solemnly.

"And you have to talk to us."

"Okay," He whispers. He flicks the lighter. He catches me watching him and stops. He shakes. I realize he's keeping himself from shaking by focusing on the lighter.

"I think he's okay, Kirsten. Let's give him some space."

Kirsten sighs. "Okay. I guess an hour in the car shouldn't be totally consumed by lectures."

"Can he smoke?" I ask Kirsten.

"Sandy, he has to quit…" She replies.

"Come on, he's about to climb the walls in here."

Ryan's watching us from the backseat, his gaze flickering between us. I can't read his face.

Kirsten sighs and takes my hand. "Fine. He can smoke. He can keep that habit a little while longer. Be careful not to burn the seats."

---------------------

Kirsten hands me an ashtray. It's clearly never been used before. I glance at her and she nods her assent.

I'm not questioning it, I'm dying for a cigarette. Not really, I'm craving escape, relief, anything to get out of here, but a cigarette hopefully can sustain me.

I can't walk away from this. I'll do what they want. I'll let them try. I won't tell them that it's too late. That I'm dead. The only thing I can do now is try and stop their pain. If they want me, they can have me.

I light the cigarette and inhale. I'm so shaky that I overdo it and start to cough. And then I taste it. Blood. My fucking nose is bleeding.

I don't want to say anything to upset them and I see a napkin stuffed down in the pocket of Sandy's seat. I put it to my nose. Who knew cocaine had such a harsh down side? Shit. I knew it. But it was the only thing that got me through. I needed the drugs to dull the reality of what I was doing.

"Ryan? Are you okay?" Kirsten's alarmed by the blood.

"Yeah, it's just a nosebleed…" I don't tilt my head back, I don't want to taste it anymore.

"No ring in your nose, thank god," Sandy remarks, trying to break the tension that seems to follow me these days.

"It made me sneeze," I reply honestly. Sandy smiles but Kirsten glares at me. But it's not an angry glare.

The nicotine doesn't steady me, it seems to jumpstart my heart and I can't stop shaking. The closer we get to Newport, the more it feels like I'm breaking into pieces. The cocaine was my glue. I take another drag off my cigarette. I close my eyes as it makes me dizzy.

When I glance up, I realize that we've stopped. The door beside me opens and Sandy's beside me with a bottle of water.

"Come on, kid. You're looking a little pale…" He takes my arms and urges me out of the SUV.

It's bright, the sunlight blinds me for a moment but Sandy steadies me.

"Drink." He puts the opened bottle in my hand and I take a swallow and lean against the side of the Rover.

"Better?" Kirsten appears.

"You should have said you were carsick," Sandy says gently.

"I'm just a little dizzy, I'm not sick…" I tell him. Kirsten drops two pills in my hand.

"Take them. It's okay, they'll make you feel better."

I don't question her, I swallow them.

"Summer and Seth are getting the guest room ready for you. Rosa's making dinner," Kirsten says, taking my shoulders and slipping a pair of sunglasses over my eyes.

"Okay…"

"And you can have a short rest and then Hailey's going to take you to an N.A. meeting."

I'm surprised. Hailey's in Narcotics Anonymous?

"We'll tell you all about it on the way. You ready?" Kirsten holds open the door and I take my seat again in the backseat. Within minutes, we're traveling again.

I'm content with the silence. I light a fresh cigarette and the drugs Kirsten gave me have made me fluffy. Not sleepy, but dull. I won't break, I'll bounce. I'm soft.

"Hailey's had some problems," Kirsten tells me, her gaze following the cigarette smoke that drifts out the window.

"She said you offered to help her get clean after you brought her from L.A.," Sandy says. He's watching me in the mirror.

Dammit. I close my eyes to avoid their gazes. She'd turned me down. Said I didn't understand, that she had it under control and I wouldn't understand because I didn't use drugs. She was right. I had no idea.

"If you'd rather one of us go with you…" Kirsten starts.

"We want you to talk to someone, Ryan, but until we figure something out we'd like you to try the meetings…" Sandy adds.

I'll still crave the drugs. It's a part of my penance. Once you taste it, nothing's ever enough. I'm never going to be complete without it.

"These are my sunglasses," I realize. They're mine from the house in Chino.

"We got some of your things," Kirsten says quietly.

"Upon Seth's request, we cut a deal with the police. Eddie's free and clear. He helped us gather your things."

Eddie. I guess he earned it. He doesn't deserve to go to jail. He was trying to do right by Teresa. And by me.

"You will not be riding that bike in the foreseeable future, thought. It's unsafe," Kirsten mutters.

"My bike?"

"It's my bike, now," Sandy winks at me.

Wow.

"Teresa's going to be in jail when she has the baby. Eddie's going to raise the child when it's born," Kirsten says.

"But…"

"It's out of your hands. We've talked to Eddie. He's told us things that you'd never tell us," Kirsten continues. "He'll be a good father to the child."

What would I be? I'm not a good father. I'm not a good son. I'm not good at all. I'm all bad. I'm rotten.

"That came out wrong," She says suddenly.

"You're right. Eddie's a good man." She's right. He'll be a good father.

"Ryan…"

"What did you give me?" Because I feel good.

"Valium," Kirsten replies.

"More drugs…" Interesting concept.

"You're not healthy," Sandy said, looking at me in the mirror. "Just because we took you out of that hospital doesn't mean we think you're okay. You're so fucking tense that we thought you were going to explode…anything we can do to keep you stable, we'll do it."

I lower my gaze. He's really emotional. I keep scaring them. I didn't know they could see my instability. I guess I'm all out of shields. They can see through me.

"Sandy," Kirsten's shaking his head at him.

I get what he's saying, though. They're more worried I'll slit my wrists than I'll get addicted again.

I should say something. I glance up and Kirsten is staring at me.

"What?"

"Your tongue ring. You're chewing it. It's really distracting," She says, blushing.

I have to smile. "Sorry."

"The look's not growing on me," She smiles, relaxing. "I was so relieved not to find eyeliner in your stuff."

"I'm not goth." It's an interesting concept. I guess I could be goth.

"Seth wants to take you to the airport just so you can walk through the metal detectors," Sandy jokes.

-----------------

Ryan is in the shower and Summer and I are unpacking the bags Mom and Dad brought from Chino. I don't recognize any of the clothes.

"Chino's got good taste. This is some pretty high class stuff," Summer says. "You okay?"

"I'm okay. I'm glad he's home."

She puts her arms around me. I can't do this without her. I love her so much.

"Me, too. Chino's a good guy. He'll come back to us."

Ryan steps out of the bathroom. His faded jeans hang low on his hips and are frayed over his bare feet. He's shirtless and his tattoos are vivid against his pale flesh. I can see his ribs.

"Damn, kid, who painted you up?" Hailey steps in. She walks over to him and embraces him.

He's surprised but docile. It's like he's given up and he'll do anything we say. He's a shell. But he's home. We'll fix it.

"You need a serious tan," She adds, releasing him.

Ryan gives her a blank grin. "Thanks." He picks up a plain black wife-beater off the bed and slips it on. He snaps a black wristband over one of his bruised wrists and a silver watch over the other wrist. He glances over at me and I follow his gaze to the small box in my hand. I pass it to him. He opens it and slips rings on his fingers. Two on one hand, three on the other. He gives me a nervous smile. He's putting on his armor.

"God, no wonder Kirsten said you went dark," Hailey says, sitting down on the bed.

Ryan seems to lose his motivation for a moment under Hailey's stare. He glances between me and Summer.

"You want to step outside?" I offer. He nods.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Hailey apologizes.

"No, no…it's just…" Ryan's words don't form completely and his eyes flash with emotion.

"Let's get you some air," I say, taking his elbow. He lets me guide him outside to the patio.

He lights a cigarette and turns to face me. "I don't know if I can do this…"

"Hey, you can…just relax…" I don't know what to say to make him understand that he belongs here. "Let go of it, Ryan…" I don't know if he understands what I'm trying to say but he seems to listen.

"I never expected to be back here…if I'd known you guys would find me…"

"You did what you thought you had to do. You made a mistake, hell, you made a lot of mistakes, but you're home now."

He turns away and inhales desperately off his cigarette. "I'm sorry…" He whispers.

"I know." I know he's sorry. I couldn't have done what he did. Made money to support my child. Ryan's smart and he found a way to provide for his kid the only way he could. It was totally immoral and illegal but he used the only skills he had. It isn't his fault that he didn't know of any other way. He didn't know that my family would do anything for him. He's always been the one sacrificing himself for his family. He doesn't know that it works both ways. I know he's sorry.

"Are you going to stick around, man? Because it'd be awesome if you'd stay," I say quietly. I put my hand on his shoulder. He doesn't flinch. He doesn't shatter.

"I'm going to give it a try," He whispers, like he doesn't trust his voice.

Dad steps out. "Hey, guys."

"Dad. What's up?"

"Ryan, do you want to rest before dinner?" Dad asks, smiling at me.

Ryan looks at me and then back to my father. "What do you want me to do?"

Dad seems to regret his question.

"I mean, I could sleep or…I could walk around…it doesn't matter…" Ryan mutters.

"What do you feel like doing?" I ask quietly. I'm searching his face but he really doesn't seem to care.

"I'll rest," He says, dropping his cigarette.

---------------

"She died?"

"Seth and Summer got there in time to stop her from injecting Ryan. The doctors said that there was nothing they could do for her," Kirsten says. I've never seen my sister this upset. She loves this kid like her own and the fact that his life has spun out of control has devastated her. I think she sees what he would have become without her family in his life. She'll never forgive herself for letting him go.

"Poor kid."

"I think we may need to postpone the meeting. He's exhausted."

"Sure. Have you slept at all?"

"I'll sleep now he's safe," She replies. Her gaze drifts to the couch where Ryan is sleeping. He'd fallen asleep after eating a little of Rosa's meatloaf and Kirsten had covered him with a blanket.

"He's a good kid, Kirsten." It's all I keep hearing. Jimmy says he's the reason that Marissa was able to get better. Seth credits him with his self-confidence and self-esteem. Sandy and Kirsten know that he's got a good heart. I know he's better than this. He almost went head to head with the club owner when he got me from LA. He doesn't deserve this.

Ryan stirs slightly from his sleep. He's always been such a strong kid he's hit rock bottom. He's trembling in his sleep.

"I just hope he can find his way back," Kirsten sighs. I put my arm around her. She's a good mom. Even to a kid that's not hers.

Ryan mumbles. "No…Roxie, stop…"

Kirsten goes to his side. She gently touches his face. "Shh…you're okay…"

And he seems to hear her, his face relaxing. She leaves his side and returns to the seat beside me.

"Are you going to get him some counseling?"

"Yeah. The doctor from the hospital gave us some antidepressants to give him and some sedatives but…he needs help," She admits. "And not chemicals."

"He needs his family around him." He needs to accept that he has a family now.

Ryan starts to pull at the blanket. "No…stop…please…"

Kirsten is beside him immediately, trying to wake him and keeping his hands from clawing at his face.

"Honey, stop…wake up, Ryan…"

He opens his eyes with a panicked look. "I couldn't get to her, I'm sorry…"

"Honey, it was a dream, okay?" She smoothes his hair and finally he seems to relax. He blinks the disorientation from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry…" He whispers as she embraces him. He shakes in her arms.

"It's all over now, okay?" She says, releasing him. "Why don't we take a walk. You can get some fresh air and then we'll put you back to bed."

He stands up unsteadily and I go to his side. We each take an elbow and steer him out into the driveway.

"Ryan…" Kirsten starts.

"I'm okay…it was just a bad dream," He murmurs, pulling out of our grasp. He takes a couple of steps and inhales deeply from the fresh air.

"Give him some air, Kirsten. He's okay."

She seems to accept it. Ryan fumbles in his pockets until he finds a half-crushed pack of cigarettes.

"We said you could smoke, Ryan, but you're smoking entirely too much…" Kirsten scolds. He nods at her as he lights it.

"Ryan and I are going to take a stroll down to the beach. It's okay," I say. Ryan seems relieved. I link arms with him.

"Don't let him smoke too much, Hailey," She sighs. She watches us until we turn onto the path.

"Thanks," Ryan murmurs.

"No problem."

He doesn't speak, he keeps his eyes lowered to monitor his steps.

"So, I hear you had quite the little empire going down there in Chino."

He glances at me.

"I, for one, have respect for you…I know how hard it is to get started in the drug dealing world. I got my ass kicked in Berlin for selling fake pills." It's true. A story I could never tell my sister or my father. But I want to help this kid and he'll understand. Maybe I can understand.

He glances at me and absently pushes a strand of hair out of his face. He has hollow eyes.

"It's not a good life."

"I know. I'm not offering excuses," He mutters.

"I wasn't asking for any. I just…you can talk to me, if you want. I can listen."

"I fucked up. That's all."

"You tried, Ryan…"

"It doesn't matter," He snaps. "It doesn't matter, Hailey. Trying doesn't count. The kid's not mine, Teresa fucked me and a girl is dead now because 'I tried'. It doesn't count."

"Hey," I nudged him with my elbow, keeping our arms linked. "It does count. You're still a good kid."

"Drop it, Hailey," He sighs. "I'm tired of talking." He lets the smoke drift out of his nostrils.

"Sorry."

We walk in silence. Finally, we step onto the beach.

"I haven't seen the ocean in so long…" He whispers.

"No beach in Chino?"

"It reminds me of my last night here…" He says, sitting down on the sand. "I never thought I'd go to the beach again…"

"Well, that's not normal. If you live in California, you have to go to the beach." I sit down beside him. He's shivering and doesn't protest when I put my arm around him.

"I had to do it…I had to do something…it was the only thing I knew how to do…"

"I know, Ryan." But I didn't. I'd always had Daddy's money to fall back on. Alone, broke with a baby on the way? I wouldn't have known where to turn. But Ryan survived. He made it work.

"And once I started…I couldn't just stop…I gave all this up…I accepted my life…"

"That's not your life, kid. You don't deserve that. You think you earned that life? You didn't. You earned this one. Let Kirsten and Sandy take care of you. You deserve that…" I want to convince him that he's not worthless. I want him to believe me.

He shakes his head. "The things I did…"

"They don't matter. You gave all this up for your life in Chino. You walked away from it." I wait until he looks at me. "Now you have to walk away from that and accept your place here. It's the same deal except here…you're not alone. You don't have to be…you don't have to be a pincushion…"

He smiles at me as he flicks his cigarette into the night. "The piercings really get to you guys, don't they?"

"A little. Not exactly Newport fashion," I smile.

He shudders.

"You cold?"

"I'm okay. It's quiet here."

"If we stay too long, they'll send the dogs out after us."

He nods.

"So, kid. You know you're in bad shape if I'm giving you advice…"

"I got that already," He snorts.

"So what's on your mind?"

He sighs. "I was thinking back to the first time Sandy brought me home. Kirsten wanted me to sleep in the poolhouse. So I wouldn't steal anything. Now, I'm a bona fide criminal and Kirsten puts me in the guest room…"

"I think that's the most you've said since you've been back." I squeeze his shoulder, trying to reassure him. "You've proven yourself, kid. You're not a criminal. You're Ryan. You'll do anything you can for the people you love. You've proved that, too. But you need help."

"Help…"

"We all need help sometimes. Are you going to let them help you?"

He doesn't answer immediately. He lights a cigarette despite the cold breeze from the ocean.

"Ryan?"

"They can't help me, Hailey. I'm beyond help…"

"Hey," I shake him gently until he meets my gaze. "You are not a quitter…"

"Rehab is for quitters," He mutters.

"Not what I meant, kid. You can't give up…you've come too far…"

He stands up and offers me a hand. "No, Hailey. I've gone too far to come back."

"Ryan…"

"Let's start back. I don't want to worry them…"

"Ryan, wait…" I take his arm and he reluctantly turns to face me. "You have to try."

"I am trying. I'm here, aren't I? I'm here…"

"You're here? Are you? Really, Ryan? Because it looks to me like you're just going through the motions…"

He nods. "I am. But it's all I can do. It's all I have left. If…if I go through the motions then…then maybe I can remember what it's like to be here…to be what they want…"

"Ryan…"

"Let's go, Hailey. Please. I'm tired."

And I let him off the hook. I put my arm around his thin waist and guide him back toward the house.