AN: Sorry for the delay, this chapter was damned hard. Thanks to Jo, Iceworm and Maud for previewing and helping me along with this. Hope it's up to par. Lyrics belong to Scott Weiland and Velvet Revolver. Stay clean, Scott.
"...Fell to pieces
I'm still falling..."
It's definitely different now. The truth has not set me free, it's only increased the tension to an almost tangible state. I can feel their uneasiness like a coating over everything. I can almost taste Seth's disgust. He hasn't spoken to me since my impromptu confessional last night.
After Kirsten escorted me to bed and watched me take 2 sleeping pills, I slept soundly. I only woke up about a half hour ago.
Seth's sitting at my bedside. He's been watching me since I sat up. I spoke to him but he just nodded. I'm too tired to try again.
Fuck it, I'm scared.
I never wanted him to see. I'd rather he find my dead-ass body in a ditch than have him know the things I told him last night.
I don't know why I told them. Yes, I do.
They deserved to know. And I deserve their hatred. I don't deserve their mercy.
But I'm dying without it. I love the Cohens more than anything. And Seth is the only true friend I've ever had.
I don't know if I can handle what I've done to him.
"Let's talk," He says suddenly. "Let's have a mature, adult conversation."
I nod.
Seth pulls his lanky legs into the chair and sits cross-legged comfortably. But his brown eyes are veiled. I can't read him anymore. I have no idea what he's thinking. "I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything but I want to talk to you. Honestly. So don't get upset but I really need you to be honest, too. I'm going to be honest and then we'll both be honest and say totally honest things to each other…"
"Seth."
"Let's take all the emotion out of this and talk to each other honestly. Without taking anything to heart," He clarifies.
I can tell already that this is going to be painful. Oh god.
"I know you can be cold," He starts quietly. "I've seen you fucking lose it and pound people, like, Oliver and Luke, but…but you always felt remorse…"
"Remorse?" He wants honesty. "I'd fucking pound that punk Oliver again, I don't regret a single swing."
He shakes his head at me. "I just don't understand how you could become everything you hate."
"What?"
"You're a junkie alcoholic criminal. I know it's harsh but it's what I fucking see when I look at you."
I wish I had a cigarette. My final request would be for a full flavor menthol.
"Ryan…"
"I'm glad you can see it now, too. I'm sorry, Seth." God, I'm so sorry. I won't look at him.
"Why don't you take off?" Seth asks quietly.
"Do you want me to go?" My voice doesn't tremble. But I can't look at him.
"No. I don't. I want you to stay. But I…why are you staying?" He leans forward. "You're a fucking street thug, you could attack me, beat up Dad and just skip town…"
"I would never hurt you…" What is he talking about? Does he really think I would do that?
"Really?" He snaps. He puts his feet down hard on the floor and leans forward, gripping my wrists tightly with his hand and forcing me to look him in the face. "Because you're fucking killing me right now…" He releases me and leans back in his chair, flushed.
I won't look at him.
"How could you do this to yourself? You know how much it hurts to get beat up, but you'll do that to some kid? You'll sell the same drugs that ruined your childhood? You'll give your mother…God, Ryan, she's your mom…" He whispers.
Breathe. I'll just breathe. The words are true and they hurt more than any fist or knife or bullet.
"Stop it. Stop it, Ryan…" He has my wrists and I see my bloody hands. My nails have cut my palms again and I hadn't even realized that I was clenching my fists. He pulls at my fingers as I try to relax. "Don't distract yourself from the truth, you have to face it…" He says loudly.
"Seth, let go…" Sandy's voice startles us both. "What's going on?"
Seth releases me. He steps away and turns his back to me.
"I'm sorry. I cut my hands."
Worry flutters across Sandy's face. "We're going to make you wear mittens," He jokes as Kirsten walks in.
"What did you say to him?" Kirsten asks her son. She puts an arm around Seth's shoulders.
I don't want him to apologize. He told me the truth. He's clearer than any mirror. I slowly lower my feet to the floor and ignore Sandy's worried voice. I walk to the bathroom and step inside, turning on the tap on the sink.
My blood swirls down the drain. Red crimson swirling around the porcelain basin. Blood on my hands. I'll never bleed enough to repent. I'll never rid my veins of my sins.
The water lightens to pink as steam starts to form.
"Ryan."
The water is scalding when Sandy finally reaches past me and turns off the knob.
"You're okay." He takes my hands and turns me around to face him. There's a first aid sitting beside me on the sink.
"You're definitely accident prone," He mutters as he presses two small gauze pads to my palm before wrapping a long stretch of tape around my hands to secure them. He does the same to my other hand.
"That's the best I can do at short notice." He holds out a pair of fingernail clippers.
I sit down on the closed lid of the toilet and focus on my fingernails. There's barely enough for me to clip but after a few minutes, Sandy seems to accept my work.
"You need to eat."
"I don't think I can eat." I have to tell him. I'll get sick if he makes me eat right now.
"Why?"
My stomach is boiling.
"Ryan, does your stomach hurt or are you just not hungry?"
"I just…I can't eat as much as you guys keep feeding me…"
"Your ulcer."
I'd forgotten about that.
"I'm sorry. We haven't really been thinking about that. You should have said something…"
"It's okay, I'm fine…I just can't eat right now."
Seth appears, his face still flushed with emotion. He tosses something at me and I catch it instinctively. A red rubber ball.
"Seth, what…" Sandy starts.
"He can squeeze that instead of hurting himself…" Seth says quietly.
"Thanks." It's a nice gesture.
"Don't throw it in the house, though. Rosa gets really mad," Seth adds before leaving.
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Kirsten has taken Seth for a drive but Ryan hasn't relaxed since they left.
He's just sitting on the bed squeezing the ball that Seth gave him.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He shakes his head at me. "Can I smoke?"
I stand up and he immediately falls into step behind me. Once we step outside, he seems to revive slightly, breathing deeply. But his eyes are still dull. He lights the cigarette. He clenches the ball tensely with his other hand.
"Nothing's changed, you know." I've had all night to think about it. Kirsten and I hadn't slept, we'd talked. Ryan deserves forgiveness. He deserves another chance. Forgiveness. He'd trusted us enough to be honest. We'd promised him a family and now we had to come through.
"You're still a part of our family and we're going to help you."
He sighs and smoke drifts from his nose and mouth.
"Ryan."
"I'm not going anywhere," He says quietly.
"For how long? How long are you going to last here?"
He stares at me.
"Because you look a little shaky. Like you're going to run."
"I'm not going to run," He whispers. I can't read what's behind his eyes. But whatever my son said to him seems to have shattered him.
"But you are a little shaky, right?"
He glances at me and then takes a couple of steps away from me. He turns and before I know what he's doing he's puking in the bushes beside the poolhouse. I go to his side as he's leaning over and when I put my hand on his back, he shudders. He heaves again.
"You haven't even eaten today…" But it's useless. It looks like everything he's eaten since he's been home is coming back up. His ulcer must be killing him since he got here. But he hasn't said anything. I had no idea that he was in such pain.
Finally, he spits to clear his mouth and seems to recover. "I'm sorry about that."
"Don't worry about it. Put that cigarette out and come inside." I soften my tone. He's in no shape to listen to another lecture no matter how much he needs it.
"You can't keep tiptoeing around me," He says with a shaking voice.
"Is that what Seth did? He stopped tiptoeing around you?"
"Yeah. He did. And I'm glad. It's time all of you stopped treating me like a damaged kid and started treating me like what I am," He finally meets my gaze with sluggish blue eyes.
"And what are you?" I'm interested to know how he categorizes himself.
"I'm a criminal, Sandy. I'm a junkie alcoholic criminal," He says, straightening his body and forcing himself to relax. His hand clenches the ball tightly. We're going to have to give him another ball for his other hand. I try not to think about his words.
"Why do you say that, Ryan?"
"It's true. Don't you see it?"
"I did." I'm not going to lie to him. "I saw it. But I don't see it now. I see you."
"You see me."
"I see Ryan. I see you."
He doesn't meet my gaze, he keeps his eyes focused on the ball in his hand. "How can you see what's not there anymore?"
I take his shoulders and shake him. I wish I could shake some sense into him. "You are still here."
"No, Sandy, I'm not. When I said I walked away from all this, I meant it. I walked away from everything, even…even who I was. I became someone else. I can't go back. I'm not meant to go back…"
"Ryan, you can't just walk away from who you are. No matter how many tattoos you get or how much you try to desensitize yourself with drugs, you're still going to be Ryan Atwood…"
He glances at me and something flickers in his eyes. I only notice it because it's rare that I can see real emotion from him. "You're still tiptoeing around me."
"No, Ryan. I love you. You're my son…"
"Why would you claim a son like this? No one claimed the kid I was before, why do you want me now? Like this? I just…I just…"
He can't get the words out. I can see that he's really trying, his face is twisted in thought but he can't find his voice.
"Let's go inside."
"No, Sandy, stop placating me…" He snaps, pulling away from my grasp. I hold my hands up to show him that I'm not going to hurt him. I won't let him see that I'm afraid of him. He's so jumpy, I can feel the tension. He wants to run. He takes a couple of steps and freezes, glancing back and forth across the patio. He's like a trapped animal and I'm just his keeper. I force myself not to let my panic show.
He stops cold and his shoulders slump as he seems to realize that he's spooked me.
"I'm sorry," He murmurs, the ball dropping from his hand and rolling across the patio until it comes to a stop under a chair.
"It's okay…"
"No, it's not. But I am sorry, Sandy." He looks at me with pained eyes. "You know…you know that I'd never hurt you…"
"I know…"
"Because I wouldn't…not intentionally…I would never hurt your family, you guys…that's why I had to go, I never wanted you to see…"
"Well, kid, we saw."
He shakes his head. "I don't think I should be here anymore, Sandy. You feel it, too. Seth…he knows…"
"We're not letting you go anywhere, Ryan, not again, it didn't work last time and I'll be damned if we'll cut you loose again…" I'm a little confused as to his train of thought. He's actually asking me if he can leave. Doesn't he see that we love him?
He's shaking so much that he can't light his cigarette so I take the lighter from him.
"Inside. Now. Come on, you're upset and you need to lie down…"
"Don't put me in a cage, Sandy…I…I'm not running…just don't make me go back in the dark yet…I need some air..." His voice is barely a whisper. I walk over and pick up the ball and hold it out to him.
"We'll walk. You want to walk?"
He takes the ball. He nods.
Maybe what he needs is silence.
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I know he's upset when I see Kirsten parked in my driveway. I don't even ask him what he wants, I just take him in my arms and rub my hands on his back.
He's been crying. If it was any boy except Cohen, I'd be turned off but he's so sad.
"What is it, baby?"
"I…he's not the same…"
"Oh, honey, I know…but he's still Ryan…it's going to be okay…"
"He's…god, you should have heard him, Summer…"
Something's happened since I left him earlier. He knows something. He was full of hope when I left, he was so sure that Chino was going to get better that I should have known it wouldn't last.
"Summer, can you get him home later?" Kirsten's voice is patient from her car.
"Sure, Kirsten." I lead him by the hand into my house.
"Where's your Dad?" He asks.
"Out of town with the stepmom. It's just you and me tonight."
He's relieved. He sits down on the couch and I flip on the TV for background noise.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I don't know why I even ask, Cohen talks about everything. It's one of the reasons that I love him so much, there're no uncomfortable silences between us.
"No. I need…I need to think first…can I just hold you?"
I lean against him and he holds me close. I rest my head on his chest. I can hear his heart beating rapidly.
"I don't know what I'd do if I had lost you, too," He whispers.
"You didn't. I'm right here."
"Ryan's still gone. Even though he's sitting at my house right now…he's still gone, Summer."
"What happened? Did you guys have a fight?"
"He…he said he had to be honest with us last night and he told us…he told us a lot of stuff that he had done in Chino. He stabbed this guy…he sold drugs to his mom…he's just…he's a criminal…"
"Cohen, he's still Ryan…he was a criminal when you first met him…"
"His brother tried to steal a car, it's not the same as him stabbing some drug dealer to take over his turf," He replies in my ear.
"I know. But to Ryan, it's probably just the next step." I don't get up, I know he's listening and I like the feeling of his arms around me. I don't need to look at him. "He's not from here, Seth. He probably thinks about dealing and gambling just like we think about getting dressed up and going to formals with our parents. He lived a different life. His family taught him different things and once it gets down to it…he has to rely on what he knows."
"His mom taught him how to do coke. He said he did his first line with his mom."
I sigh. I wish I didn't believe it but from what I've heard about Chino's family, I don't doubt it.
"What kind of person could sell drugs to his mom?"
"What kind of mom would do drugs with her kid? God, Seth, she's never been a mom to him. I know he loves her, but she's never been a mom to him…"
He sighs. "I know it's not all his fault…"
"He just made a choice. One choice, Seth to support his child come hell or high water…It's like he gave up his life to take care of Teresa's baby…"
"I know…I know all that, but I still…I can't believe that he'd go this far…"
I stroke his face with my hand. "He's still Ryan. Who else could've done so much in such a short time? I'm sure in Chino, he's considered some sort of genius…"
"I know…I just…"
"You have to come to terms with it. Just think about how he's feeling. Ryan's not a bad guy, but he's been pulling off an awesome act lately. He's got to be struggling now that your family's dragged him back to Newport…"
"You think we should have left him alone?"
"No, Cohen. He needs you. He needs someone to take care of him, he's never had that, I don't think." I want him to understand. I sit up and turn to face him. "Your parents have always been there for you. You've always had money, you've always had a safety net. Ryan hasn't. He's never had an emergency credit card or a triple A membership. He's never had money or any kind of safety net. He managed to get a house, get lots of money and take care of Teresa and her child. He did exactly what he said he was going to do."
"The ends justify the means?"
"I just want you to understand."
"Do you understand?"
"To a point."
"Tell me," He whispers.
I take his hands and he's waiting for me to explain. I hope I can. "I don't hate Ryan. Do you hate him?"
"No…"
"That's a start. Okay. So if you didn't have your parents, if it was just you and me and I was pregnant…how would you support me? You're seventeen, no GED, no diploma, no experience. Let's say you have no job options and I'm getting bigger, the baby's getting bigger and we have no help…"
"I wouldn't…"
"Because you wouldn't even know where to start. Face it, Cohen, you and I have no real world experience. Without our safety nets, we'd be lost. Just like Ryan. And…and with the choice he made, first gambling and stuff and then the progression into drugs…it's a natural progression for someone like him. The money…it's not important to him, but he needs it. It's the only thing he could grab hold to…"
"Okay, Summer. I get it. But…"
"Somewhere, under all that anger and pain, all that crime, as you put it, Ryan's still there. I know it. You know it, too."
He nods. Something flashes on his face. "I have to talk to him."
"Are you sure?"
"I…I was awful to him, Summer."
"You can't change the way you feel, Cohen. I'm sure you weren't awful to him…"
"I upset him…"
"He understands. It's Ryan, Seth. He'd do anything for you. He'd do anything for the people that care about him. Look how much he gave up for Teresa?"
"Take me home?"
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I don't know where Sandy has gone with Ryan but I hope everything's okay. I know that Sandy will watch him and make sure he's safe and not running off but I still worry.
Ryan won't hurt Sandy. He won't hurt any of us. He only hurts himself.
I've been on the phone since I dropped Seth off at his girlfriend's. Summer takes good care of him and she's been giving me and Sandy constant support, too. She's a great girl.
Marissa's been calling for updates, too. She doesn't want us to tell Ryan.
After Ryan left for Chino, Marissa had been through some rough times. She had started drinking and using drugs regularly until something changed. Marissa had snapped out of her depression and started going to meetings. I didn't even know until Hailey brought her home from an NA meeting.
Marissa has turned her life around. She counsels teenagers at a shelter right outside Newport. She confessed to me the night Hailey brought her home that she cleaned up her life because of Ryan. She didn't want him to blame himself for her problems and she said that she got cleaned up to prove something to him. That she could do it on her own. That she could be good enough for him someday.
I wish I could tell Ryan, but Marissa insists that it won't be good for his recovery. I don't want them to start another relationship, the shaky one they started never sat well with me, but I'd like him to see how far she's come. She's okay now.
He'll be okay, too. Seeing Marissa gives me hope.
I've been on the phone with counselors and doctors and nutritionists since I have the house to myself. Several of them recommended an inpatient facility, they say that only intense therapy can help Ryan. But I won't let him out of my sight again. Look what happened at the hospital. He's staying with us. I have enough money to pay for housecalls.
Marissa has recommended some counselors from her rehab center and one of them is coming over tonight. I know Ryan will hate it and he won't say anything but I have to do something. Tomorrow, I've already arranged for a doctor to see him followed by a nutrition consult so we can get some meat on him.
He's so thin. He's so frail.
Seth's trying so hard to get him back but he doesn't see that Ryan's changed. I don't really know what to say to him, I just drove him around and ended up at Summer's. I think she can get through to him more than I can. Sandy and I let him down. We let Ryan go and I don't know if Seth will ever fully forgive us. I know he loves us, but I think he blames us, too. He blames himself just as much.
Both my sons are in pain and I can't do anything about it. But I'll be damned if I'll stop trying.
I hear the front door close and know that Sandy's home. He walks into the kitchen with Ryan following silently.
"Hey," Sandy smiles, kissing me softly on the cheek.
"Hey. Where've you guys been off to?"
"Walking," He replies. Ryan doesn't look at me. Sandy turns to him. "You can go lie down, kid."
Ryan nods and disappears.
"We've been forcing him to eat too much. He admitted that he can't eat as much as we're feeding him. His ulcer is bothering him, he threw up on your flowers outside," Sandy fills me in quietly as he takes the seat beside me. "But he's still talking. He says he wants us to stop tiptoeing around him."
"Tiptoeing?"
"Evidently, Seth got pretty harsh with him today. Ryan…he's upset but he appreciates Seth being up front with him. I don't know exactly what was said…but he's…he asked if he could go…"
"And?"
"He asked, Kirsten. He won't hurt us, the only reason he's here is because he doesn't want to upset us," Sandy sighs. "But he asked. He's…he's trying."
"I know. Now it's our turn." I put my notes in front of him. I've got a counselor coming over tonight."
"Marissa's friend?"
"Yeah. She's really nice. She's from Riverside so she might have a different perspective, I thought maybe he would be more likely to talk to her than someone else. Tomorrow, I'm going to take him to the doctor and to see a nutritionist so we can figure out how to start getting him healthy again."
"God, Kirsten…you did all this while…"
"Hey guys," Seth says, walking in with Summer.
He looks better than when I left him. Calmer. I give Summer a grateful smile.
"Where's Ryan?"
"Lying down. We made a few laps around the development. He went through half a pack before he agreed to come back…"
"To come back?" Seth asks, worried.
"He just needed some air, Seth. He's fine. He's not going anywhere," Sandy replies.
Seth nods, clearly relieved. "I'm going to go talk to him."
"Don't upset him," I say automatically. Sandy puts his hand on my arm.
"It's okay. He's not going to break, Kirsten. We have to be honest with him. If we're upset and we don't tell him, he's still going to know but he's not going to know why."
He's right. "Sorry. No tiptoeing, right."
"I won't upset him. I didn't mean…"
"The ball was a good idea, Seth," Sandy says. "He's using it. When we were walking, he'd bounce it ahead of him and it seemed to relax him. It helped, son. You're helping."
Seth nods. "So. I can see him?"
"Go ahead, Seth."
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Summer's with me. I didn't even ask her to come in with me, but it's clear by the way she's holding my hand that she's not going anywhere.
I hesitate outside his door.
"Go on, Seth."
I have to make things right. I have to apologize about the things I said, I shouldn't have talked to him without thinking things through first.
Ryan wasn't himself when he was in Chino and I wasn't myself when I talked to him earlier.
I knock softly with my free hand. There's no answer so I push the door open.
The water is running in the bathroom so I pull Summer in beside me so we can wait.
"You want me to leave you alone?"
"Can you…will you wait for me?"
"I'll be in the kitchen with your parents." She kisses my cheek softly and doesn't let go of my hand until she's in the hallway. She smiles at me when she closes the door.
I sit down in the chair beside his bed and wait for him to emerge. After the water turns off, it's dead quiet. I don't hear anything so I go to the door and knock softly. "Ryan?"
He doesn't answer.
He's not an invalid. He's not suicidal. But I have to make sure. I push on the door and it opens.
He's standing in front of the mirror, staring at himself. There's a small dish on the sink and I see several shiny objects setting in the dish. His piercings.
"Ryan?"
"Your parents hate them. You hate them. It's a start, I guess…" He says quietly, not moving. He's staring at himself. He slowly takes his hands and twists the ring out of his eyebrow, dropping it into the dish.
"Can we talk?"
"I'm listening," He murmurs, methodically removing the studs from his ears.
I can't stop watching him. He sticks his tongue out and uses both hands to unscrew the tongue stud. He holds it in his hand and puts the ball back on it before dropping it into the dish.
"Did Roxie like that?"
His gaze flickers to me in the mirror.
"Sorry."
"Yeah. She did. I don't want to talk about her," He mumbles.
"You probably don't want to talk to me at all after this morning…"
"Thanks, Seth. You were honest with me. It helped. I'm sorry that I freaked…but I'm really…I'm struggling here, you know?"
"I know. It must be hard for you to just walk back here and start pretending that you're still the boy that left us a few months ago. It's hard for us, too."
"That's why I never wanted this to happen."
"You wanted it. You always wanted to come home…you know you did. The whole time you were in Chino, you knew you didn't belong there. That's why no matter what you did, how far you went, you weren't happy. You were in the wrong place, Ryan."
He gives me a slight tilt of the head to show me that he's heard me.
"Ryan…" I have to get through to him.
He turns to face me. "Better?"
"What?"
"Is this better?" He motions toward his face. The holes are barely noticeable and he's got his shaggy hair brushed out of his face so I can see it clearly.
"It's now about the outside, Ryan." I look into his eyes. His eyes were always the only way to see what he was thinking and even though he rarely showed anything, if I'm going to see a difference, it's going to be in his eyes.
"I'm trying, Seth…" He whispers, lowering his gaze. But I saw what I needed to see.
I reach out and touch his shoulder and see that he's still shaking. I pull him into an embrace. He doesn't move, like he's frozen, but I have to do this. I don't care that we're both men, he's my brother and he fucking needs a hug whether he knows it or not.
"You don't have to take out the piercings if you don't want to, Ryan."
"I know."
"So, you want to take them out?" I ask once I take a step back. He seems unsteady without my arms around him.
"I…I don't care, Seth. It…"
"What do you care about?"
He met my gaze after a long pause. "I care about you and your parents."
"What about yourself?"
He opens his mouth to speak but turns away. He won't lie to me.
"Dude, if I've learned anything about you from this little trip you've been on…it's that you are capable of anything."
He flinches like I've hurt him.
"No…what I mean is, you can do anything you put your mind to, so I know that you can stay here and be…you can be okay again." I reach for him and he shudders from my touch. "Dude…"
"I'm sorry, it's crowded in here…can we?" He motions to the door. I step back and he hurries past me.
I'd thought that I was getting through to him but he's stricken.
He sits down on the bed and I see that he's picked up the ball again and he's squeezing it. "Sorry…" He starts. "I thought I was claustrophobic after juvie, but…being strapped down in that hospital has me bugged out…"
Oh. I haven't considered that.
"Thanks, Seth…"
Why is he thanking me? "I'm really sorry…"
"Stop," He murmurs, waving his hand. "You have never done anything to me that warrants an apology."
He's trembling again. He's always trembling. I wish I could make him stop but it's like it courses through him. I have to get used to it.
"Will you take me outside? I need to smoke…and I don't think I'm supposed to be unsupervised…"
Even though we're out of the bathroom, I can tell that the room is closing in on him, too. He's gripping the ball tightly and I can see as he clenches and unclenches his fist that he's getting even more agitated.
"Summer's here, too, Ryan. Why don't you put on your swimsuit and we'll veg out in the Jacuzzi for a while?" It's outside and Ryan has always loved the hot tub.
He hesitates and lowers his gaze. His hair immediately shields his eyes. The platinum has started to grow out and I can see a little of his blond roots. Now that's he's got the piercings out, I know Mom's going to start with the hair next. "You think…"
"Come on, man…you have to learn how to be social. You need to relax…"
He squeezes the ball but doesn't look up. "Will you make sure it's okay with your parents?"
"Dude, why wouldn't it be?"
He sighs but doesn't elaborate. He runs his empty hand through his hair. "Will you just check?"
"Sure. Get changed, man."
He glances up at me again and I almost don't believe it when he smiles a little. Just a little twitch of the lips but I see Ryan. I get a glimpse of good, nice, safe Ryan and not his empty painted shell.
I find my parents in the kitchen. Summer's smile is beautiful with chocolate syrup on her lips from the sundae she's sharing with my parents.
"What's up?" She asks. I join them around the counter. They've filled a punch bowl with ice cream and strawberries and covered it with chocolate. Ice cream is the universal soul healer. At least for us.
"Ryan wants to smoke so I suggested that we get in the hot tub. He wanted me to ask you guys."
"That's good, right?" Summer asks. I put an arm around her and snag her spoon.
"It's fine, Seth, you know that. But make sure that he doesn't put his butts out in the Jacuzzi," Mom smiles. I think everyone's pretty upbeat about Ryan's first attempt at the hot tub.
Ryan steps in and has a towel over his shoulder. He's still wearing the black wife beater over black swim trunks. After Mom takes out the hair, she's going to go for the wardrobe. He has tattoos spiraling around his legs that I haven't see and one even twists around his ankle onto the top of his foot.
"Oh, honey, your face…" Mom smiles, pulling him into a hug. "It's nice to see you again."
Summer squeezes me with a grin as Ryan exhales and smiles, his gaze lowered.
"No butts out in the hot tub, per Mom."
I've obviously said something wrong because everyone starts to laugh. Even Ryan's smile widens a little and I glimpse his teeth.
"What did you say?" He asks.
"No butts out…oh, well, you know what I mean…" He smiles again and seems to relax a little. He's more relaxed than I've seen him since he's been home. He's smiling for god's sake, even though it was only for a second, it's enough for me.
"I've got my suit in the car," Summer says. She kisses my cheek as she hops off the stool. I take her seat and spoon a strawberry into my mouth. Ryan sits down beside me as my parents move to the opposite side of the counter.
"Ryan, we've got someone coming by later that we'd like you to try and talk to."
He glances at me and I see that something's changed. We're slowly breaking through the walls because he's looking for to guide him. He trusts me again. I think. I hope. Almost immediately he lowers his gaze to the counter in front of Mom and Dad.
"Okay. The shrink in Chino wasn't that bad…I'll try it."
"Thank you. We're going to talk to her first, to make sure she's…to make sure she's right for you," Dad says slowly.
"So…so you want me to stay here?"
I must've been wrong about thinking about the walls because I have no idea where that question is coming from. "Ryan, you know that…"
"No, I mean…I figured you guys would send me somewhere…" He attempts to explain, clearly regretting his phrasing. He's frustrated again and I see his knuckles turning white as he squeezes the ball.
Dad's got his arm around Mom's waist and I'm relieved to see them hopeful. They scared me last night. I scared myself. But Ryan's coming back. The friend I know seems to be fighting his way back to the surface.
"We want you close to us," Mom says slowly and evenly. It's like we're in a hostage negotiation because everyone is speaking so calmly. "You were gone too long. School, work, all of that is irrelevant right now. We'll get you well again and…"
"You shouldn't…" Ryan murmurs.
"Ryan. You are not a burden. You're family. You belong here. I didn't keep you out of jail just to lock you up in a hospital," Mom says.
His eyes study the counter. Finally he whispers, "Thanks."
Mom seems relieved. She smiles at Dad.
"Ryan, I know your stomach's bothering you," Dad says and sets several pills on the counter. "These should help. Tomorrow, Kirsten's got some doctor's appointments set up for you."
"Okay."
I can tell that his energy's waning and that he's getting overwhelmed again. He used to be able to handle any situation but he's too messed up right now to deal with more than one thing at a time.
"I'm going to go get my trunks on and I'll be back. I'll bring the CD player. You want to come pick out some CDs?"
He nods.