AN: If it's any consolation, I thought I'd abandoned this story, too.
"And as your fantasies are broken in two
Did you really think this bloody road would
Pave the way for you?
You better turn around…"
-Jeff Buckley
I change my clothes in the downstairs bathroom and Kirsten's standing outside the door as I emerge, offering me a robe.
"Thanks."
"We should be thanking you. You've really been there for Seth these past few days…you've been there for all of us. I just wanted you to know…that we appreciate it," she says, looking steadier than I've seen her in days. She believes that Ryan's getting better.
"Chino's a good guy. We'll get him back…" I pull her into an impulsive hug and she holds me tightly.
Finally, she releases me. It's so awful to see her so worried and hurt. She really cares about Ryan. I don't know if she even knew how much until he was gone. She's terrified that she's lost him for good but if I've learned anything these past few weeks, it's that the Cohens never give up. Kirsten and Sandy are the best parents I've ever seen in action, they don't deserve this pain. It's such a fucked up situation…
"I'm going to go check on them," I smile, squeezing her arm and trotting up the stairs.
Ryan's sitting on Seth's bed staring blankly at a handful of cds. He looks so fucking lost. So fucking sad. He's not tough anymore, he's just…wrecked.
"What's up, Chino?" I sit down beside him and he jumps, startled. I'll never be able to understand how he can be so jumpy even when he's safe in a place like this. We really are from different worlds. Seth, I get, he's spoiled and pampered like me, but Ryan…he's different. Everything he's ever had, he's had to work for.
"I'm supposed to be picking out cds. But none of these have labels on them…" he explained, clearing his throat uncomfortably. He held up one of Cohen's many burned cds.
"He burns these things all the time but he never takes the time to label them. Says it keeps it interesting because he gets to rediscover everything when he pops it in the cd player," I answer. Seth's such a weirdo…but I love him anyway.
Ryan gives me a slight nod.
Seth steps out and smiles warmly at me. He's much more upbeat now after talking to Ryan. He was so upset earlier but he's okay now. Optimistic. Ryan needs that. I need that. "So, man, where's your picks?"
"I don't really see anything…" he admits, flushing.
"None of your stupid cds are labeled, Cohen, how'd you expect him to pick?"
"Oh, yeah…sorry…I'll just take these and we'll be adventurous." Cohen scoops up the cds and pats Ryan on the back, urging him to his feet.
Kirsten and Sandy are nowhere to be found as we walk through the kitchen and out to the patio. They deserve some quiet time. I have no doubt that they can help Ryan but I can see the strain it's putting on them.
Seth starts setting up the stereo and soon, loud angry rock music starts to reverberate around the pool. "Perfect," he grins, turning to put his arm around me.
"Do we have to listen to that?" Ryan asks suddenly, startling us both.
"You're not a fan of the Deftones?"
He's standing under the patio lights and they only add to his pallor. His hands are clenched tightly around the back of one of the pool chairs and his eyes are hooded. He used to never show his emotions on his face but he's almost naked now, he can't hide anything.
"Ryan? It's okay, man, I'll change it…" Seth says, not pushing stop, just pulling open the cd drawer and replacing the cd with another one.
Ryan turns away from us and lights a cigarette, inhaling until I think he's going to smoke it all in one breath.
Cohen's arm tightens around me and I can see that he's starting to worry again.
"Roxie used to dance to that…"
"Hold up. Roxie stripped to the Deftones? How the hell is that even possible? No one can dance to the Deftones…" Seth asks, paling at his outburst. He's been doing so well with his diarrhea of the mouth…
Ryan surprises us, though because he turns around and smiles sadly. "Yeah…she had rhythm…the song didn't need rhythm because she had enough…" His gaze drifts to the Jacuzzi.
"Let's get into the hot tub, it's pretty chilly out here," Seth says, relaxing at his confession. I lay Kirsten's robe over one of the chairs with the towels and wait until Seth pulls off his shirt before stepping away and into the warmth of the Jacuzzi.
Ryan hesitates, glancing around with the cigarette dangling from his mouth as the smoke drifts from his nostrils.
"Come on, man, it's just us," Seth says quietly, settling beside me in the tub.
Ryan finally pulls off his wife beater and walks over.
He's really thin and the black tattoos stand out harshly against his pale skin. His nipples are still pierced with silver hoops. Poor Chino…he seems embarrassed to show himself to us.
Finally, he steps down into the tub and seems to relax, leaning back against the rim with a reminiscent expression on his face.
I recognize the sound of Brand New from the stereo and it's softer than the Deftones. We're all silent. Seth's arm is around me under the surface of the bubbling water and we're both trying not to stare at Ryan but we're failing miserably.
"So. How's Newport been surviving without me?" Ryan asks, closing his eyes finally.
Cohen turns his head at me with a smile. "You're really asking?"
"Yeah, man. Seems like everything's been all about me for the past few days. I need the distraction. Talk," Ryan says, not opening his eyes.
Things are finally looking better. Kirsten's napping in the bedroom and Ryan's actually relaxed when I walk onto the patio to check on them. His eyes are closed but he has a thin smile on his face and Seth is telling him about Caleb and Julie's last big shindig where Hailey got caught kissing one of the waiters. Summer's chiming in every few sentences and it's clear that the kids have finally gotten him to relax.
He's been so damned skittish and cold since we got him back, it's unusual to see him not shaking and seeming at peace. I wonder how the hell he lasted so long in Chino. He keeps everything bottled up, I don't know how he didn't have some kind of breakdown…but I guess he did.
"How's everything going?"
They all jump, startled and I hate the tension that overtakes Ryan immediately. But then he gives me an apologetic smile. He's trying. He still trusts me, I think. But we've got a lot of work ahead of us. I can't get excited just because he's relaxed, he's nowhere close to being healed.
"Just filling Ryan in on all the Newport drama he missed," Seth answers.
"You've been out here a while. Don't get too cold," I add. I don't want any more trips to the hospital.
"You want us to come inside?" Seth asks, raising his eyebrows. It's pretty clear that he doesn't want to.
"I'm not ordering you or anything, but just don't stay in the tub too long, okay?" I make sure my tone is soft enough so they don't misinterpret.
"I'm kind of beat, guys. This…this was nice. I think I'll head in, though," Ryan says.
"Just because Dad…" Seth protests, glaring at me.
"No, Seth, because I'm tired and I'm out of cigarettes. I…the counselor's coming so I better try and get my head together," he says quietly, glancing up at me.
"Okay, man. We'll be inside later," Seth concedes, pulling Summer closer to him.
Ryan steps out of the Jacuzzi and I manage not to react to his tattoos. This is who he is now, I have to accept it. He turns around and I see small script writing on his lower back. He dries off but before he can pull his wife beater on, I manage to catch a few of the words. Tasty. Tragic. Guilty. Hot. The words of a dead woman etched in his flesh…
"Dad…" Seth is shaking his head at me. He's right. I'm not going to confront him.
"I didn't know she did those…" Ryan says, turning to face me. "I can't see them."
"I was just surprised…"
He doesn't react, keeping his face blank. Finally he nods toward the house. "I'm going to head inside…"
"I'll walk you," I say. I don't want him to get too far out of my sight. I take a chance and throw my arm around his damp shoulders and he doesn't flinch.
"That was nice. Thanks," he says quietly once we're inside.
"You're not a prisoner here."
He nods. "I know. Everything…I did everything wrong, Sandy. You can't run from your mistakes, they always catch you. They're catching me now. I have to…I have to deal with them, right?"
"Yes, kid. You have to face things…"
"I always thought I could do anything…" he whispers. "But being here…it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do…to have you and Kirsten look at me like this…to have Seth look at me like this…I'd rather be dead…"
"No, Ryan…"
"I'm not saying I'm suicidal…I just…I would never have done this to your family. You know that, right? I'd never put this on you…" he says, his eyes desperate.
"I know, kid…I know…" I pull him into a hug against his will and hold him tightly. He's shaking again.
"I'm not your responsibility…you shouldn't have to clean up my messes…" he murmurs.
"You're family. Accept that." I lean back, keeping my arms around him. "You will never have to do anything on your own again. We'll be behind you…we're not letting you go…you don't have to shoulder these problems alone anymore, okay?"
He nods but it's clear he's still unconvinced.
"You're worried about the counselor?" I ask.
"I…I'm just tired, I think. Honestly…I've been through every emotion in the past few days, I'm fucking spent…" he whispers. "I'm so tired of…of everything…but I know it's not going to get any easier…"
"It will." I have to convince him. "It will get easier, kid, when you start accepting your place here and that you belong with us. Let us help you…"
"I'm not going anywhere, Sandy. But I'm still not so sure that you can help me…but I'm tired of fighting," he says.
And I realize that he's not really relaxed, he's defeated. We've broken all his defenses down and he can't fight with us anymore. He's given up. He's turned himself over to us, now.
But we'll fix him. Cohens don't give up.
"I'll be in my room. I'll leave the door open," he says, turning and shuffling out of the kitchen.
I wake up when the doorbell rings. I haven't been getting much sleep and the short nap seems to have revived me a little. I get out of bed and follow Sandy's voice to the kitchen.
"My name's Willa. I spoke with your wife on the phone…"
"Willa. Thank you so much for coming…" I say, joining Sandy at the counter.
She's tall and wiry with glasses. Her nose is pierced and her hair is long and black. She looks nothing like the professional tone she uses on the phone. "Marissa's pretty convincing. She says Ryan basically saved her life…she wants to return the favor. How's he doing?"
"He's pretty nervous but…he's willing to see you," Sandy answers, looping his arm around my waist.
"Kirsten gave me a basic rundown of what's been going on and I've spoken at length with Marissa…I'd really like to go ahead and get started with him if I could," she says.
"Are you sure that…" Sandy starts.
"I like to get most of my information from the patient…that way I'm not assuming anything. I know how important this kid is to you guys but my first priority is to Ryan and I don't want to get too much information from you before I talk to him," she says.
"I'll take you to him," I offer before Sandy can protest. She's right, she told me on the phone that she didn't like to get a lot of background from the family until after she'd actually talked to the patient, that way she wouldn't be biased. Marissa says that she's the best at the center where she volunteers.
The door is half opened and Ryan's lying with his back to the door. He's changed since the hot tub and he's wearing a fresh gray tank top and jeans. The red ball is clenched in his hand and the only movements we can see are his fingers squeezing the ball methodically.
"Ryan? This is Willa. She's the counselor that we talked to you about…"
He sits up immediately and slowly gets to his feet, approaching us. He holds out his empty hand hesitantly for a handshake.
Willa seems surprised but accepts his hand and shakes it firmly. She glances at me. "Is this where you'd like us to talk?"
"Sure. Ryan, if you want a cigarette, take Willa outside, okay?" I wait for him to meet my gaze and he finally does with pale blue eyes.
"Thanks," he whispers.
Willa gives me a patient smile. "I'll take it from here." She closes the door as soon as I step out.
"Is he okay?" Sandy asks, joining me in the hallway.
"I hope so…you don't think we're pushing him?"
"I think we have to push him, Kirsten…I…I don't know how long he's going to be here if we don't get him some help. I…I just don't know. He has to get help," Sandy whispers.
I pull him into my arms and hold him tightly. We need each other so much right now. And Seth. We have to put our family back together again. Whatever it takes.
"Let's give them some time," he says, leading me into the den.
"All right, guys. We have got to do something besides stare at his door," I say finally. I don't deny that I may have a mild form of ADHD, but sitting quietly has never been my forte.
"They've been in there for over three hours," Dad says anxiously.
"All the people I talked to said he needed intensive therapy, maybe that's what she's doing…" Mom whispers.
Mom and Dad are sitting beside each other on the couch, sharing a cushion. Despite the drama of the past few days, it helps to see them so close.
Summer runs her hand down my arm again. "Maybe we should put a movie in or something. As a distraction?"
"That sounds good. Mom?"
She nods absently.
"I found this really good one the other night, it's a little raunchy but one of the guys is really hot," Summer said.
"Not Sex, Lies and Videotape again," I groan, knowing what she's going for.
"I haven't seen that in years," Mom perks up.
"I'll get it, it's in the car."
"You seem to have everything in your car," I remark.
"I just haven't returned it yet," she snorted, shoving me as she got up to get it.
"You don't have to hang around, Seth," Dad says quietly once Summer's gone.
"He's my best friend, Dad. I'm not going anywhere. I mean, if you and Mom want some alone time, we'll definitely clear out…"
Mom laughed. "That's okay, Seth. We know this is hard for you…"
"It's hard for all of us. I'm just really…really glad he's home. I mean, no matter how messed up he is…he could've died, you know? I'm really glad he's home."
For a minute I know I've said something wrong because Mom gets tears in her eyes and Dad pulls her close, but then he smiles at me. "You're too smart for your own good, kid."
"Here it is," Summer announces, returning with the DVD. I admire her as she bends over to load the DVD player. She's so pretty when she's messing with electronic equipment.
We're about halfway into the movie when the door to the guest room opens and the woman steps out. She leaves the door open as she walks out.
"All done for tonight, guys. You want to talk outside?" she asks my parents.
"Yes," they say, standing up immediately.
"Is he all right?" I ask the stranger.
She waves her hand and I take that as an invitation to check on him. Summer pauses the movie and follows me.
"Ryan?"
"I'm here, Seth," he says softly, sitting on the bed with the ball still clenched in his hand.
"You okay?"
He looks at me with broken eyes. "I don't think so. But…it wasn't so bad…you know?"
"No, I don't know…if you don't like her, I'll talk to Dad…" I start immediately but Summer quiets me with a hand on my back.
"No, no, she's fine," he sighs. "It's nice to talk to someone who…who doesn't know me from here…or there. Chino or Newport…she just sees me now…or what's left of me…I'm not really together enough…"
"Dude…you look pretty thrashed. Why don't you get some sleep?" I say, Summer's hand still on my back.
"If you want to talk…I'm supposed to try and talk…" Ryan says, but it seems like he's all out of words and he's searching for the right way to speak.
"No, dude, get some rest. We can talk tomorrow, we just wanted to make sure you were all right," I say.
"I'm just…really tired of talking today…" he says and I can tell that it's true. He's drained.
"Get some rest, man. See you tomorrow, all right?"
"Sure."
"He's not your biological child?" Willa asks us immediately as she lights a cigarette on the patio.
"I told you that." I glance at Sandy worriedly.
"He's pretty messed up, like…probably from before you knew him…his mom ruined him years ago, I'm surprised he made it this long…" she says honestly, inhaling deeply off the cigarette.
"That's all you got from the whole three hours?" Sandy asks her, sitting down.
"He's not much of a talker. But he's edgy from the withdrawal so he's easy to break down…but it's exhausting for both of us," she replies softly, sitting down across from him. "He's in a lot of pain. He hates himself. He's got to get past that before he's ever going to be able to function. He loves you guys. More than anyone. More than himself. He's doing this for you. He doesn't believe that he deserves to be saved…"
"He's a good kid…he's got the best heart, he sacrificed everything to raise a child…but he's totally misguided…"
"It isn't something that can be fixed in a day, or a week. And he's got to want it for himself. He has to learn how to love himself again…or at least tolerate himself. He's pushed down his true…essence, if you will, so far down inside that he's really just a shell right now, he's running on instinct…he's been using the fix to hide from what he's feeling…as he slowly goes without the drugs, he's going to start having to face his emotions for real, without the buffer of the drugs."
"What do we need to do? How do we get our Ryan back?" I ask as Sandy takes my hand tightly.
"The Ryan you knew is gone, Kirsten. You'll never have the same kid back, he's…he's been through too much. The drugs…they're the only thing that's never let him down, no matter what, he could always turn to them and trust that they would make things better, he always knew what he was going to get when he turned to them…" she stated seriously. "He was in a situation that he couldn't see a way out of and the drugs were there for him, they gave him the only joy and relief that he had…"
"He didn't come to us…"
"He's here now. Give him a couple of days, stick close to him, show him that he can trust you, that he can be himself here and…give him time. He's got a long road ahead of him…I think you guys have all pretty much showed him that you care about him…I'm going to come by tomorrow if that's okay, with some literature and some things to hopefully help you all get through this," Willa continues.
"We'll pay for whatever he needs…"
Willa smiles. "You're already giving him what he needs. Stability and support. Unconditional love. He's a little thin, though…"
"Nutritionist is due here at eight, I've got copies of his medical records, he's got an ulcer so we've got to work on getting him to eat," Sandy says.
"Good. I also recommend getting him into NA meetings and AA meetings…and you guys should consider Al-Anon…it really seems to help to talk to people that are going through the same things."
"He's agreed to go to NA, he knows we want him to try it."
She nods. "Good. I talked to him about it, too."
"Thank you," I manage, my mind swirling with what's she's told me.
"I'll see you in the morning. I'll call first, okay?"
"How much do we owe you?" Sandy asks.
"We'll discuss it when you see some progress, how about that? Seems like you guys are good for it," she winks, getting to her feet and shaking his hand.
"Kirsten?"
I take a deep breath. "For the first time, it seems like we can do this, Sandy…"
"We can do this…" he says, embracing me.
She's covered in glitter, the sparkles illuminate her tattoos as she saunters across the lighted stage to the melody of the guitar. She smiles at me, a drop of blood trickling from the side of her mouth. Her pierced tongue slips out and licks it up as she gets closer.
I'm reaching for her with unpainted arms but when her fingers touch my skin, it burns. She's burning me but she doesn't let me go, leaning forward and kissing me.
I start to choke.
Roxie. I should have known she'd haunt me. She's in my dreams.
I'll always see her.
At least she won't die forgotten.
Its three am. It's so quiet here. No sirens. No cell phones. No traffic.
I need a cigarette. And a drink. And a line.
I sit up, hot again. I don't seem to have a normal temperature anymore. Has to be the shakes still getting to me.
Three hours of spilling my soul. Or what's left of it. For what?
Hot and uncomfortable in a place I don't belong?
I should leave. Disappear.
But immediately, I see Seth's pleading face and Sandy and Kirsten…
I don't want to love them this much.
I don't have any choice anymore. I have to try. For them.
Willa definitely wasn't what I'd expected. She didn't know anything about me. It was an interesting visit. I'd told her more than I knew I could even say.
She seems to think I deserve to live, too. A stranger. Listening to my story, I'd expected disgust or at least judgment. But she seems cool.
Deep breath.
I can't sleep.
I should get up and walk off the nightmare.
I don't want to go outside. The kitchen will be safe. I can see the ocean from the kitchen. Drink some milk for my stomach.
Enjoy the quiet.
I don't turn any lights on, the Cohens need their sleep, I know they've been staying up watching me.
Roxie.
Something Willa said to me reminds me of Roxie. She said something about people from violent backgrounds equating intensity with love. I don't know if that's really true, but Roxie was definitely intense.
She made me feel alive again.
Now she's dead.
And I don't think I'll ever be alive again.
God, I slept for a full eight hours. It feels strange to feel sleepy without the mind-numbing exhaustion behind it. The clock says seven am. Not bad. Kirsten's still sleeping soundly. Beautiful, especially when she's sleeping.
I need coffee.
As soon as I walk into the kitchen, I can see that a pot's already made.
"Hey."
"Ryan." I'm surprised he's up.
"Couldn't sleep," he says, sitting at the kitchen table.
"You okay?"
"Tired."
I pour myself a cup of coffee. This is remarkably normal so I'm immediately on edge. "Bad dreams?"
"Yeah," he nods. "But I'm still here."
"Yes, you are," I reply, grabbing the bagels he's obviously put out and going to the table. "Did you eat anything?"
"I tried. Got through half a bagel. Two glasses of milk. I'm letting them settle, you know?" he answered, one hand absently across his stomach. You're up early."
"I feel better." I pat his arm. "You look better." He does. He has color back in his skin and he's calm. He doesn't have the blind panic behind his eyes today.
"It's…this is my home, Sandy. As much as I've messed up…this will always be my home…I just have to learn how to live here again…"
"We'll figure it out, I told you, you're not alone anymore."
He nods solemnly.
"You've got a busy day tomorrow. You could get a nap on the couch…"
"Could I go outside? It's…it's a nice day outside."
"Sure, kid. We'll wake you up if you start to burn," I reply.
"Thanks," he says, looking relieved.
"You're not a prisoner here. You could've gone outside."
"I know, I just figured you'd freak if you saw me gone and I hadn't told you where I was going to be," he says, smiling sadly.
He's right. But he shouldn't be. "Go ahead, kid."
He gets up slowly and puts his chair under the table carefully. His steps are measured as he walks outside. He hesitates at closing the door.
"Leave it open. We can use the air," I tell him.
He seems to remember something and he pauses. "You guys always leave the door open." He nods and walks up the stairs to the pool and stretches out in one of the loungers.
"Honey? Where's Ryan, he's not in his room," Kirsten says, hurrying into the kitchen.
"He's outside. He made us coffee," I say, holding out her cup.
"He's…okay. Small parental freak-out…" she says, calming herself.
"He said he couldn't sleep. He waited until I found him in the kitchen and then asked if he could go outside. He said he knew we'd worry if we didn't know where he was."
She wraps her arms around me. "He knows us too well…"
"It's going to be another long day."
"It'll be worth it, though. He's coming back to us. I can feel it."