I watch Ryan through the window, swimming his second set of laps for the day.

It's odd, the change that's come over him in the past few days.

He's not the same boy that left here at the end of the summer.

His pride's gone, his purity.

I know that Ryan wasn't necessarily pure but he had an aura of innocence, of goodness when I first met him. He's tainted now and he's seen so much of the bad in life that he doesn't know what's left to live for.

Teresa took everything from him with her lies.

She knows she's being unreasonable but she can't forgive Teresa.

Ryan's moods have stabilized into a plateau of solemn obedience. He's latched onto a strict schedule designed by Willa, his therapist, the nutritionist and Sandy.

He gets up at nine, has breakfast, and goes running with Hailey. At eleven, he swims. Noon, he goes to N.A. One thirty, he's at his shrink's. He eats again at three and meets Sandy at four to help him at his office. Six, he swims. He goes to another meeting at seven and he meets Willa at eight every night.

She can't tell how he's doing because he's always the same.

Except at night.

Ryan comes to life at night, the smallest freedom from the structure of his schedule changing him.

"Hi." I found Ryan on the patio, smoking. His eyes were dark.

"Hey."

I sat down in the chair alongside him. "It took me two years to give up cigarettes completely."

I saw him smile. "Yeah?"

"God, Sandy hated it. The Nana's always been a chainsmoker and he hated it. He could always smell it in my clothes."

"I never knew you smoked," he said.

"I didn't want to influence you," I told him.

He went quiet.

I was thinking of Dawn, his mother. How she influenced him.

"You're a good mother. Dawn's not a mother at all," he said, reading my face.

"I'm sorry." I didn't know what he needed me to say.

"I…I know it's harsh the way I talk about her…but feel sorry for her, too…something had to make her the way she is…just like something made me this way…broke me down…how do I have the right to judge her when I don't know the full story?"

I admire him for his ability to love and forgive after all he's been through. He's so full of hurt and anger and hate but he doesn't share it…he keeps it all to himself.

I'm sitting with Sandy and Kirsten in the living room watching some random sitcom that makes Kirsten giggle like a schoolgirl.

I'm letting today's thoughts settle.

NA. Willa. Dr. Jenkins. Seth.

Listening to people who'd ruined their lives with drugs.

Listening to Willa give me advice on how to stop my spiral and retake control of my destiny.

Listening to Dr. Jenkins tell me that everything's not my fault.

Listening to Seth with his blind enthusiasm for life.

I feel different. I just don't know how I feel. It's like I'm finally able to feel again without the drugs dulling the emotions but I'm so fucked up that I can't deal with the feelings.

I've been without the drugs for over two weeks now and I still miss them with every breath. I just have to wait until I can find another way to feel good about myself.

The doorbell rings and I get up first.

I can't really sit still for too long anymore. It's the nights that get me, when I don't have an itinerary to keep me going.

I open the door and I feel my lungs shut down.

"Hey," Eddie says, his hands in his pockets.

I know why he's here.

He's earned it. I hold my hands out at my side, palms toward him. I close my eyes.

I feel the pain in my nose as his punch knocks me backwards. Damn…

"Ryan?" Kirsten shrieks, rushing to my side.

"It's okay…it's okay…" I say, getting to my feet and wiping the blood from my face with my hand.

Eddie's rubbing his fist and Sandy's standing between us, pissed.

"What the hell…"

"It's cool, I deserved it."

Eddie looks past Sandy at me. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah." I'm not ready to do this, but he's here.

I need to roll with the punches.

Shake it off.

"Ryan…" Kirsten starts.

"I'm not going to hit him again," Eddie tells Sandy.

"It's cool," I repeat.

"Leave the door open," Sandy says finally and Eddie steps in, following me to the guest room.

My room.

"How are you doing?" Eddie asks.

"Sober," I answer. "You?"

"The Cohens helped me out. Paid my rent. They're getting me ready for the baby."

The baby. Teresa's baby.

It hurts.

"I don't blame you."

What? I look at him. He's serious.

"I would have done the same thing if Teresa had come to me first. She manipulated us both but you were the one she wanted…"

"Stop." I don't…I can't think about Teresa. I'm not strong enough.

"Sorry. You look better. Like, healthier," he says.

"I'm on a regiment."

"I just came by to see how you were doing. I mean, those months in Chino…I watched you lose more and more of yourself until you weren't even the same person. But I couldn't hate you because I knew…"

"Knew what?"

"I knew why you were doing it. For Teresa…for the baby. You were an asshole…but it wasn't you. I'm glad you're home now."

I can't even reply.

Eddie holds out his hand. "Can we be friends again? Leave all that behind us? Leave Teresa behind us?"

I reach out and my hand is shaking but I managed to clasp his hand. He pulls me into a loose hug.

"You're going to be a good father," I whisper.

"Thanks. It means a lot coming from you."

"So, kid, how's your day?" I ask him as he walks in and drops his backpack by my desk.

"Fine," he answers.

He always answers 'fine'.

His face is still bruised from Eddie's punch and he still hasn't given me a decent answer as to what that was all about.

But he's doing better.

On the outside at least.

He's doing everything we ask of him. Going to NA meetings, sometimes four times a day, seeing a shrink, seeing Willa and the nutritionist once a week.

I know he still throws up sometimes, but he's already looking better from his meals.

I don't know if he's pulling himself out of his depression, though.

I can't read him at all.

He's resigned.

I just don't know what he's resigned to.

I recognize the girl from the meetings. Lari. She's four months clean, off heroin, I think.

She's thin and brunette and fucking gorgeous.

So when she approaches me after the meeting, I don't warn her off with a glare. I may be "painfully antisocial" according to my shrink, but I'm still a man.

I give her a small smile and a nod.

"You're so quiet. Want to join me for a smoke before the next meeting?"

I nod.

We end up in the backseat of the Rover, her hands in my hair while she straddles me.

It's been too long since I had some stress relief and this girl is hot and she knows all the right moves.

"No-strings-fucking," Lori pants, wrapping her hand around my already hard cock.

She's not Roxie, she's not Teresa or Marissa…but she's willing and she knows what it's like to be stripped of all things that feel good…we both need a few minutes that we don't have to think…

Sex is freeing and familiar.

I push my fingers into her wet pussy and she moans, pulling off her shirt so I can suck one of her nipples into my mouth.

I don't have to think, its instinctual…she rolls a condom onto my dick and my hips buck automatically into her hand.

"Fuck me, now," she whispers. She spreads her legs and despite our cramped positions, my dick knows the way to her cunt and she gasps as I push completely inside her with a groan.

Her heels dig into my ass and I start to thrust into her, desperate.

"God, I need it, get me off…"

I fuck her wildly now, rocking the SUV.

She comes with a squeal and I finally let go, burying my dick inside her tight warmth.

She presses her face against my chest, breathing hard. "I really needed that…"

"Me, too…thanks…"

"The drugs…they made me feel good and…nothing else makes me feel that good…I just needed something that feels good…"

My dick's still inside her and her pussy clenches around me when I take her quivering lips into my mouth. "You made me feel good," I tell her honestly.

"God, this is totally against my program…my shrink says sex is just like drugs…" she sighs when I lower my kisses to her smooth neck.

"Hey…no strings…I'm not judging this…"

She smiles, even though I'm lying.

I'm hard again and when she pulls my shirt off, I start to fuck her again.

We both know its wrong but we don't stop.

Something weird is going on. Summer noticed it first, but she's exactly right. Ryan's…in a good mood.

I've seen him smile two days in a row. He even made a joke yesterday.

Something's going on.

"Hey. What's up?"

He's sitting cross-legged on his bed, flipping absently through a motorcycle magazine.

"Nada. You?"

I sit down in the chair and he perks up immediately, sensing that I have something to say. "Just wanted to chat with you awhile. You seem…different."

"Is that a good thing?" he asks, his eyes revealing nothing.

"Yeah," I answer honestly. "But…it's a little unexpected." I lean forward. "Summer thinks you're getting laid."

He smiles and he blushes. Shit.

"Really?" I get up and close the door.

"Please, Seth…I…it's not what you think…"

"I don't think anything, dude, I was just teasing, but…"

He covers his face and I can see that he's shaking again. "There's this girl from NA and we've been hooking up…between meetings and stuff…and it's wrong because we're just fucking but…"

"Dude, chill out," I tell him, patting him on the back.

"I haven't told anyone…it's…I know it's wrong…"

"Why is it wrong, man?" I don't get it. If he's met a girl and she makes him happy, then why is it wrong?

"It's another addiction…another way to hide from reality…but I've given up drinking, I've given up smoking…I've given up…everything…this…it's like the lesser of all the evils…if I tell Willa or Doc Jenkins…they'll make me stop…and its too hard…

"You can't expect to give up everything at once, man, that's just impossible. Do you like her?"

He grins at me, guilt still lining his face. "I don't even know her last name…"

I can't stop myself from smiling. Even depressed and desolate, Ryan still gets laid. "That might come in handy, eventually. But…maybe you should consider telling someone, like Willa. I don't think she's going to judge you, from everything she's told us, you're doing better than she expected. You're beating this, man, but we know you're not infallible."

"So, you…you think I should talk about it…"

"Yeah. I mean, you obviously need to, you spilled your guts as soon as I started in on you…" Ryan would have never done that in the past.

He nods. "I guess so…I mean, I don't want to stop but…I don't know what to do…I know what Kirsten and Sandy will think…"

"You're not getting high with her, are you?"

"No, no, we're both clean…"

"Can I meet her?"

Ryan smiles and shakes his head. "We're not really friends…just…partners."

"How long?"

"A couple of weeks…I'll talk to Willa."

"Even if you don't…I'd still like to meet her."

"I think I'm going to go to a meeting. Want to catch a movie later?" He asks, getting off the bed and grabbing his cigarettes.

"Sure, man. Are we okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks for…for sticking with me," he says, offering his hand for a quick slap. "I needed the grounding."

"Any time." It's weird that I'm the grounded one now. I used to come to him for advice and now we've switched roles.

He gives me another smile and disappears.

I see the girl crying from across the room. She's been crying since before the meeting started.

I had a shitty day at work and Dad is still giving me hell about everything and I really needed this meeting.

But I can't stop looking at the girl.

And Ryan's arms around her.

He's not her sponsor, he's still a fledgling in the program, and he shouldn't be comforting her. But I know how he is and he's a sucker for a crying girl.

They open up the floor. I don't feel like talking tonight, I just need the support. I'm still watching them when she raises her hand.

"My name's Lari and I'm an addict…" she says, wiping her eyes and holding Ryan's hand tightly with her other hand.

"Hi, Lari," the group responds.

"I'm four and a half months sober…and it's hard, it's hard every day…but I've been pushing forward, trying to focus on getting my life back together…I reconciled with my parents, got an apartment and a part time job…last week, I applied to community college so I could try and get my GED…I dropped out of high school with only two months left before graduation…and today was my first class…" Her voice trails off and Ryan murmurs something in her ear. She wipes her eyes and continues. "I sit down in class and this kid sits down beside me. He smiles at me like I'm supposed to recognize him, but I don't, there's no memory of him in me…but he knows me, he knows my name, knows about the birthmark on my thigh…he says he met me last year and we had sex at a party in Tahoe…and it was like, all my hard work to build a new life is for nothing because I'm still a junkie whore…and I couldn't stay, so I left…I haven't wanted a hit so bad in so long…I couldn't even call my sponsor because my hands were shaking so bad…but I didn't use, I didn't drink…I just…I walked here because I couldn't call a cab…"

Ryan puts his arms around her and I find myself walking over to them. I embrace them both.

He looks at me and gives me a sad smile. "Thanks."

"We're in this together…you're not alone," I whisper. The girl shudders and nods into Ryan's shoulder.

Kendra, my sponsor's beside us now, kneeling in front of the girl's chair. "We'll get you through this, Lari, okay? We'll go out for coffee after the meeting…"

"Thanks…god, I'm a mess…" she mutters, wiping her face again.

The meeting ends a little early and a bunch of us head across the street to the coffeehouse.

Ryan brings Lari and me coffee and I don't ask how he knows how Lari likes her coffee. We'll have time to talk later. I'm sober, he's sober and that's what's important right now.

"Honey, who's your sponsor?" Kendra asks her.

"I haven't talked to her in weeks…I haven't needed to…" she reaches over and grasps Ryan's hand and we all see it.

"Are you guys…involved?" Kendra asks, glancing between them. She knows Ryan's new to the program. Addicts are discouraged from getting involved in relationships until they've been clean for at least a year.

"Um, we're friends…I give her a ride home sometimes…pick her up…we're friends," Ryan replies.

"We've been sleeping together," Lari adds, glancing at him. Ryan flushes and reluctantly meets my gaze.

"Lari, I grew up here, I partied here, I see people every day who've watched me put shit up my nose…it's something we have to deal with…we can't change our past, we can only change our future," I tell her.

"I could kick his ass for you," Ryan says and everyone at the table laughs, even Lari smiles. But I know that Ryan's serious.

Ryan and Lari are the youngest regulars at this session and I should have seen it coming.

"It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. You're not that person anymore, Lari, you're changing your life…"

"I know that the kid didn't even mean anything by it, he was probably just glad to have a familiar face in the class but I…I couldn't take it…how am I ever going to be able to show my face there again?" Lari asks.

"You're not there to make friends. You're there to get your GED," Kendra says. "You didn't use, you came to a meeting, and you're still sober that's something to be proud of…"

She nods. She takes a deep swallow of her coffee. "I'll…I'll go tomorrow and talk to the teacher…see if I can stay in the class…not freak out…"

"Four and a half months is something to be proud of, Lari," I tell her. She seems calmer.

"Are me and Ryan in trouble?" she asks quietly.

I look at Ryan. "Sober?" He nods.

"It helps to have someone that knows how it feels…" he says quietly. "I told my sponsor…she told me that she doesn't approve…"

Willa is Ryan's sponsor. I'm glad she knows.

"We have no say in your personal life. Just…be careful. Both of you are struggling right now but as long as you're helping each other, there's no way we can tell you what to do," Kendra says.

I search Ryan's face but he doesn't look at me. I can't help but think that the last thing he needs is another desperate girl to take care of.

"It's helping," Lari says quietly, not releasing his hand.

He looks at me, then, as if he needs my approval. I reach over and take his free hand, squeezing it tightly.

He smiles. I squeeze his hand again. I can stay sober if he can.