My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 6

Dark Light

In the moment before awakening, caught somewhere in that hazy realm that is not quite sleep, Goku sighs and snuggles against the pillow he holds in his arms. Slowly, his eyes blink open, and he greets the new day feeling not only sleepy but vaguely uneasy, as if he had been having a bad dream and has since forgotten what it was about.

He squeezes his eyes shut and yawns, and when he reopens them, their focus falls on a smear of red staining the sheets on the other side of the bed. In a sudden, sickening rush, the memory of the scene from last night comes back to him, and his stomach turns. Quickly, he sits up in bed. Sanzo is already up, in the process of gathering together his things, and Goku can't help but notice the blood stained towel he has wrapped around his arm.

Goku's awakening attracts Sanzo's attention, and he turns to look over at the bed. Seeing its occupant sitting there staring at him, he picks up his boots and approaches, sitting down on the edge of the bed to put them on.

"Morning, Goku. Sleep well?"

All Goku can do is stare numbly at Sanzo's arm, with the bloody cloth serving as cold, hard evidence that what he had seen last night definitely was not a dream. He wants to ask Sanzo about it, ask him what he was thinking, what in the world he was doing, and why, why, why? But so taken aback is he that he's unable even to phrase his thoughts, and he hesitates to try, as if by remaining silent he can somehow pretend that what he had seen had never happened. It just feels so surreal, so like the bad dream it should have been.

Sanzo pauses in tying his laces to peer into Goku's eyes.

"Hey, little monkey, are you ignoring me today? Can't say good morning? What, cat got your tongue? Funny, I don't recall having stolen it from you last night, I thought I just borrowed it for a while."

He gives Goku a playful tap on the leg and a brief, teasing smile, but all traces of amusement fade when he notices that Goku's gaze is fixed on his arm.

"Hey, don't worry about this, it's nothing serious. I'll take care of it. You, go eat, get yourself ready, then we'll go meet Hakkai and Gojyo and get out of this joint. Oh, and, Goku, remember our little talk. Not a word."

He reaches out and tilts Goku's face up by the chin, locking eyes with the boy. Solemnly, he places a finger to his own lips in a gesture of silence.

XXX

With Goku away at breakfast, Sanzo takes the time to clean up the wounds on his arm, and, not having any bandages on hand, simply places his glove on directly over top of the cuts. His face is a complete mask of indifference throughout this entire procedure, as if it were something one does every day.

While standing in the bathroom, he turns to look at his reflection in the mirror, staring coldly into his own eyes as if challenging himself to make something of the situation, almost as if facing an opponent. His fists clench tightly, and a small trickle of blood starts to drain from one nostril. He thrusts out his chin in defiance, holding his gaze steady on the eyes in the mirror. A few seconds pass, and then the other side begins to dispel a crimson rivulet as well. Sanzo makes a sound as if he's going to be sick, curses, and turns swiftly on his heel.

XXX

When Goku reenters the room, his hunger temporarily satisfied, it is to find Sanzo sitting at the table, holding a blood-spotted towel to his nose and focused absent-mindedly on the little dish of incense burning in front of him.

Goku can't help wondering why Sanzo seems to like the smell of the stuff so much, since he personally can't see the appeal. But then again, he can't see what Sanzo sees in cigarettes, either, so he figures maybe it's just him. Right now, however, the incense is the least of his concerns regarding Sanzo.

Ever since he went to see that fortune-teller, Sanzo's he's been acting weird, to say the least, and it's more than just a little bit scary. While the sessions were ongoing, he'd seemed mostly just depressed and tired, but now that they're over, it's different. Could it really be that she helped him come to a new way of thinking? Sanzo's whole attitude has changed, and he's more relaxed, too, but somehow… Goku can't help feeling, a little apprehensively, that it's like the calm before a storm.

XXX

As Hakkai and Gojyo each greet him in their own familiar way, Goku realizes how good it feels to see them again, and that his time spent with Sanzo must have been more of a strain on him than he thought. At the same time, he can't help feeling a little sorry that it has come to an end so soon. It had felt like they'd been building on their relationship, even working towards a change of some kind. But now that they are headed back to the old routine, Goku feels a sinking disappointment at the thought that things might just go back to the way they were before.

Hakkai and Gojyo are in good spirits and glad to be reunited as well, after having to spend so much time doing nothing but wait around in this small, simple village.

Throughout the cheerful greeting, Sanzo stands quietly off to one side, observing Goku. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other and fusses absently for a moment with his attire. He has decided to wear the robe, if only for the space to stash his belongings that it provides. The idea of being recognized as a Sanzo priest displeases him. The idea of conforming to the dress code of a Sanzo displeases him even more. Automatically, his eyes once again seek out Goku, and the sight is somehow a gratifying one.

When the demonic trio turns its attention his way, he crosses his arms and feigns disinterest.

"Long time no see, monk. But it's about time, man, this village has got to be the most law-abiding, anti-fun place on earth!"

Hakkai laughs.

"It has been rather a relaxing stop, I will agree! So Sanzo, I trust everything has been fine with you while we've been enjoying ourselves here?"

"Hmm. Couldn't be better. Now… "

Abruptly, he stifles his words. In the next second, a wickedly defiant grin reveals a glint of teeth, and he gleefully grinds out the lit end of his cigarette into his palm.

Everybody winces in response to this unexpected action.

Sanzo is the first to speak.

"So, what are we waiting for? I can already hear the relentless call of the western horizon."

He is about to turn, when he hesitates and takes a moment to look the other three over appreciatively, issuing forth a low sound that could almost be called a purr of approval.

As his scrutinizing gaze passes over each of them, they all respond in turn, Hakkai with a smile, Gojyo with a raise of the eyebrows, and, in Goku's case, with a blush. No one is prepared for what comes out of Sanzo's mouth next.

"We have got to be the sexiest bunch of bad ass boys in all of Shangri-La. Why in holy shit's name are we hanging out in a dump like this? Let's go!"

Whipping out his gun, he uses it to point westward with a flourish, then gives the trusty weapon a kiss and tucks it away.

Everybody is just standing there staring at him, without so much as twitching a muscle, except in the case of Gojyo's dropped jaw. When Sanzo realizes that no one is following him, he turns around, places a hand on his hip enticingly and looks the three over again.

"Are you just going to stand there all day looking moronic, or are you going to make yourselves useful and come along now?"

Hakkai stirs himself, and the others follow close behind.

"Right, Sanzo, here we go!"

Three sets of eyes are glued to Sanzo's back as his companions follow in his wake. Each is caught up in his own thoughts and opinions concerning Sanzo's unexpected display of odd behaviour.

In Hakkai's case, the human-turned-demon's thoughts take on a serious and contemplative note. He had been hoping that Sanzo would be able to sort out whatever it was that was bothering him during their stay here in the village, but now… that seems not to be the case, and, faced with Sanzo's uncharacteristic attitude now, Hakkai is left even more baffled than ever.

Meanwhile, Gojyo's perverted mind is taking a different train of thought. He can't help but notice the way Sanzo is walking, as if all that pent up tension has been abandoned, leaving nothing but the hidden slink he always knew had to be there. Gojyo just can't help being interested, as he has been ever since he first laid eyes on the breathtaking young priest. But Sanzo has proven to be nearly unapproachable and one-hundred percent untouchable, like liquid nitrogen or a volatile explosive. As a result, that forbidden aspect of Sanzo just makes him all the more desirable. Gojyo is the first to admit, at times Sanzo can be one fucked-up bastard, but he'll be damned if he isn't one undeniably sexy fucked-up bastard.

For Goku, the whole situation is a mixed-up mess of confusion. He keeps thinking about the secret Sanzo had entrusted with him, and he wants to tell himself that Sanzo was just joking, except that Sanzo doesn't joke around like that. He was being deadly serious. Goku knows this, and the implications are scary. He has half a mind to go back to the fortuneteller and demand to know just what she told Sanzo. But it's too late for that now. At least the journey won't be ending anytime soon, so he has some time to try to sort things out, maybe talk to Sanzo again. Maybe try to change his mind. Meanwhile, he feels guilty, too, because in a way Sanzo has just turned against Gojyo and Hakkai, and expects Goku to follow along. Can he really not tell them what Sanzo has planned?

XXX

The trip resumes quietly enough, but everyone is well-rested and glad to leave the town behind, and it isn't long before Gojyo is up to his old tricks. He starts teasing Goku until he earns a response, which he knows will most likely also trigger a reaction from Sanzo, and the usual from Hakkai, and bingo, they'll be back in business!

The monkey joke technique eventually works on Goku, but it seems to take considerably more effort than usual to work Goku up to making something out of it, as if he's seriously distracted. This makes Gojyo curious again as to just what's going on in their little group. Sanzo, on the other hand, may as well be deaf for all the interest he shows in their back-seat antics.

After several such episodes, Sanzo finally turns to Hakkai and makes a calm command.

"Hakkai, stop the jeep, right now."

Hakkai complies, bringing Hakuryu to a standstill and shutting off the engine. All eyes are glued to Sanzo expectantly, as he turns towards the passengers in the back. Casually, with a clear no-nonsense expression stamped on his face, he aims the muzzle of the banishing gun at Gojyo's head.

"Gojyo, apologize to Goku. I think he's put up with enough of your bullshit."

No one speaks. A mild gust of breeze picks up and nips playfully at the suddenly solemn foursome.

All at once, three demon mouths open to either question, comment or complain, but before they can get a single word out, Sanzo holds up his hand, effectively silencing them again.

"Hakkai, Goku, stay out of this. I want an apology from the cockroach, you two needn't involve yourselves."

Gojyo's mind is reeling. What the heck is this?

"Hey, Sanzo, look, Goku and I were just…"

Sanzo increases pressure on the trigger.

"Don't bother telling me. I want you to look at Goku, and tell him that you're sorry. I don't have the patience to wait all day."

Gojyo looks into Sanzo's eyes for a moment, incredulous, and then, leaving a small sneer with the psychotic monk, he turns to Goku.

"Fine, Mr. High and Mighty, as you wish. Goku, I'm sorry for arguing with you and laughing at you. Apology accepted?"

"Uh, yeah?"

Seemingly satisfied with this exchange, Sanzo turns back around in his seat, making the gun do its disappearing act, and the trip resumes its course.

XXX

This odd event has served to effectively dampen the mood in the jeep, and even Gojyo is quiet, now, not wanting a repeat performance of that.

Hakkai, glancing from the corner of his eye at Sanzo, notices a drop of blood running down Sanzo's lip, and does a double take. He wordlessly offers the priest a tissue, indicating his own nose as a hint. Sanzo just looks at him with an expression of alarm, and then snatches the tissue and brings it to his face. Glancing at him again, Hakkai notices for the first time that there seems to be a dark stain under the arm of Sanzo's left glove. By the look of it, it appears to be blood.

It isn't long before Sanzo calls another stop for a break. Exiting the jeep and going off on his own, the first thing he does is light for himself some of his special incense.

The others eye him from a distance, but do not approach. Hakkai takes Goku aside.

"Goku, did something happen in the village to upset Sanzo? Or do you know why he wanted to stop there in the first place? Has he said anything at all to you about anything unusual?"

Goku looks at the ground, up at the sky, anywhere other than at Hakkai. Although uneasy, reluctant, and unsure of what he should say, guilty concern almost makes him want to spill everything. But then… he finds himself gazing over at Sanzo where he sits, looking beautiful and maybe a little bit lost, and Goku feels a kind of defensiveness rising up to usurp the previous hesitation. He faces Hakkai at last.

"No. There's nothing unusual, Sanzo's just in a bad mood, I guess. About the village, there wasn't anything special there, either, just some fortune-teller who gave him a free reading. You shouldn't be such a worry wort, Hakkai, you'll get wrinkles."

Hakkai doesn't press him any further, letting Goku go off to have a snack. He takes a seat on the grass next to Gojyo, and the two exchange a glance.

"Gojyo, have you ever seen Sanzo have a nosebleed before?"

"No, why?"

"Well, he was having one on the road, just before we stopped. He didn't seem to take it very well. Another thing, he seems to be wounded. There's blood on his sleeve. I wonder what could have happened that they aren't telling us about? And why keep it from us?"

"Hakkai, what do you think's up with that stuff Sanzo's burning? It smells like crap. Besides, he doesn't usually bother with stuff like incense, especially not in the middle of the trip like this. And, what the hell was up with the whole apologize to Goku thing? It's enough to make me wanna pulverize the bastard monk."

"It is strange. We'll have to wait and see what comes of it, and, hopefully things will blow over."

Gojyo just snorts and turns his blood-red gaze away from the direction of the man in question.

XXX

Night arrives, and the group stops to set up camp. Nothing else out of the ordinary has happened, besides the uncommunicativeness shared between them, and a lot of suspicious glances being cast about from one to the other.

When Sanzo goes off to the stream nearby, Gojyo contemplates for a while, and then makes up his mind to take the risk of speaking with him. He stands and follows in the other's footsteps down to the stream.

Sanzo is kneeling down by the water, having removed his gloves, and seems to be in the process of washing them. Remembering Hakkai's earlier words, Gojyo checks out Sanzo's arm for signs of injury as he approaches stealthily from behind.

What he sees takes him by surprise.

"Shit, Sanzo. What happened to your arm? "

Sanzo turns, annoyed and startled at first, and then apparently settling into boredom.

"This? I guess you could say I decorated it. "

"You mean… you... you did that to yourself?"

"It's not your concern."

Gojyo shakes his head, feeling a little sick at the sight of the word carved into Sanzo's skin, at the thought of Sanzo intentionally taking a knife to his own flesh, and he finds he can't tear his eyes away from the morbid sight. He can't quite even place the various feelings that tumble through him now.

Concern? Anger? Revulsion? Something else?

"Man, Sanzo, why?"

"I said it's none of your concern."

"I wish it wasn't, but I'll be damned if… if I'll let a friend get away with something like this without a good explanation."

"For Buddha's sake, Gojyo, do you have to go getting all melodramatic on me? And who ever said anything about us being friends in the first place?"

Anger momentarily takes dominance.

"You are even more messed up than I though you were, you stuck-up freak. What's that little decoration supposed to mean, anyway?"

Sanzo regards him coolly for a moment, gauging the level of unchecked emotion raging in the half-breed's eyes. Then he stands, facing the taller man.

"In what way does what I choose to do with my body concern you?"

"It concerns me when you choose to mutilate and hurt yourself."

"I didn't mind the pain."

"Then it's even worse than I thought. Sanzo…"

"Gojyo."

The way Sanzo says his name shuts Gojyo up. Why is Sanzo speaking so calmly, so casually, about such a serious matter? Where is Sanzo's pissy attitude? Where are the bullets? And what is with him cutting himself up like that and then acting as if it were nothing?

Sanzo steps up to Gojyo, challenging him with his eyes, engaging him in a silent face-off that Gojyo isn't even sure how to break. He is at a lose as to what he can possibly say in order to get through to Sanzo.

Sanzo cocks his head to the side, his expression dangerously unreadable, and proceeds to capture the front of Gojyo's shirt within one tightly clenched fist.

"I ask again. In what way does my body concern you?"

Sanzo's next move nearly kills Gojyo from shock.

He kisses him.

For a moment, Gojyo doesn't respond, so taken aback is he by this unexpected action. Then, something inside reacts, and he starts to return the demanding kiss that Sanzo has begun. In the next instant, he fully realizes what's happening, and another reaction is triggered.

Gojyo roughly pulls Sanzo in closer, and bites down hard on his lip. Sanzo responds with a growl of protest, and then promptly finds himself forced to the ground as Gojyo grabs him by the hair and twists his arm behind his back. Sanzo spits out a curse at his captor, struggling in his hold.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, huh, Sanzo? What is the matter with you? You think you can just… just… that I'm just going to forget about that nice little decoration on your arm? You need some help, man. And if you won't accept it from us, then I don't know where you're gonna find it, because there isn't anyone else on earth who can tolerate your shit like we can, Sanzo. And sometimes, sometimes I wonder why we bother at all."

He shoves Sanzo to the ground and walks back to camp, nearly shaking with anger, not looking back to see the dark look in the stormy violet eyes that follow his retreat.