My Sun, My Supernova
Chapter 8
Embrace of the Stars
(My Universe is Lying Right Beside Me)
It's a good thing that the horse is an old, reliable one, so familiar with the task of pulling the wagon that Goku doesn't really have to do that much. Sure, he likes animals, but he's never had an actual horse under his care before, and trying to deal with a difficult animal isn't something he needs to worry about right now. It turned out well for them, in the end, that the small wagon was available and free for the taking, despite the circumstances.
Night has come, bringing with it a brilliantly patterned blanket of stars. Goku has tied the horse as best as he knows how, and the creature is quietly grazing nearby. He sits now in the back of the wagon, with an injured Sanzo lying at his side. Goku had searched the deceased family's belongings and luckily came across a first aid kit, which he has made use of in attempting to tend to Sanzo's injury.
The wound itself is fairly nasty looking, as far as Goku can tell. Hakkai's abilities are quite remarkable, but luckily the blast has only slightly grazed Sanzo on the side, so it doesn't seem life threateningly serious, or anything to that extent. He realizes thankfully that Hakkai must have toned down the level of his attack considerably in this instance.
Even so, the result is a large burn-like patch on Sanzo's skin, like strong acid has eaten away the flesh there, and it goes deep, as well. The wound is angry, red, bloody and brutal. Somehow that description reminds Goku of Gojyo, and he feels a pang of loss at the thought of his two demon friends, wondering how they're making out, and if Hakkai is even okay. Only fleetingly does this pass through his mind, however, as he has other matters of importance to attend to now.
Sanzo has regained consciousness, and is quietly resting next to Goku, his head pillowed on a rolled up blanket. Goku has bandaged the wound and done what little he can, all he can do now is watch and wait, and try to offer whatever comfort he is able to. Gazing at the stars, he rests one hand on Sanzo's stomach, near the bandage, perhaps hoping that some good intent will pass through him and find its way to the sight of distress. But he is not Hakkai, and he knows that this is beyond his power.
He tries to avoid all thoughts of the day's earlier events, and in truth they do not concern him as much as he might have thought. What's done is done, and this is the outcome. What does it really matter to him now why Sanzo did what he did? They have both made their choices, and he has no patience for regret. Did Gojyo himself not tell him the same thing, even in the face of betrayal? Betrayal. An ugly word, but there is one person in this world whom Goku would never even dream of betraying, and that man is presently safe at his side.
He is aware that Sanzo is watching him, and has been for most of the time since his awakening. Sanzo looks tired and dazed, as if on the verge of slipping into unconsciousness again, but he is aware of where he is, and of what has happened. He softly whispers Goku's name, the first thing he has spoken since this afternoon, and Goku immediately turns his full attention towards his saviour.
"Goku. I think… it's finally almost over. I think I've nearly lost, but that means I've also won, doesn't it? It feels strange. I wanted to keep fighting, to resist, but at the same time I wanted nothing more than to just give in. I feel so free now. So free. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with saying goodbye to everything that hinders in a life? Why do I keep trying to fight it, Goku? What's the point?"
"Sanzo, I don't get what you're saying."
"No, I don't suppose you would. Tell me, little monkey, why do you stay by my side?"
Goku focuses on his hand where it rests against Sanzo's skin, and doesn't know how to reply. Why does he stay by Sanzo's side? Because Sanzo is his life, his universe. But how do you tell someone something like that? After an extended moment of silence, Sanzo makes a small "tsk" with his tongue.
"Goku, Goku, Goku. Are you keeping secrets from me? Naughty little monkey. I thought there were no secrets between us."
He raises a hand and places it on Goku's knee, giving it a light squeeze and then letting it rest there.
"Sanzo, there's things you're not telling me, either. Like what happened with the fortune lady. And why do you keep getting those nosebleeds all the time. Plus, you've been acting weird. And today…"
He trails off, suddenly feeling like a nosy child, prying into sensitive issues that are perhaps better left untouched. He feels ashamed for admitting that he doubts Sanzo. How could he ever harbor doubts about the nature of such a brightly shining light?
"Goku, do you doubt me?"
Goku startles, feeling as if Sanzo has read his mind and seen into his heart.
"Haven't I always cared for you, my Goku? Almost since… the time when you were born, when you were first brought to me. But that wasn't even really me, was it? And that me didn't want you, at first. But then… I died, didn't I. I left you, and they put you in that lonely place and left you there to wait, and wait, and wait… Until finally I was born, and you still had to wait. You had to wait until I could hear your cries. Little monkey, crying so desperately. So desperately, little monkey, so alone. Poor little monkey all alone."
As Goku listens to Sanzo's words, which gradually fall into almost a singsong tone, he grows more and more confused, because not much of what Sanzo is saying is making any sense, and what was that about Sanzo dying? He suddenly feels apprehensive and afraid. He can't listen to this anymore, he just can't.
"Sanzo! Stop it, you don't make any sense. And you're not going to die, okay? Cause I'll take care of you. Besides, you're not hurt that badly. So just stop it, okay, Sanzo, please just stop it."
Sanzo chuckles softly, somewhere deep in his throat, and Goku pouts.
"And don't laugh at me, either, I'm being serious."
"Serious doesn't suit you. Monkeys like to have fun all the time, and play and eat, and jump around with their little friends, and then eat some more…"
"Hey! I said stop teasing me, I really am being serious, now. Aren't I allowed to be serious sometimes?"
"No. That's my job."
"Well, your doing a pretty lousy job of it right now."
"You want serious, Goku? I'll give you serious. Oh, I'll give you dead serious. Listen… we shall deliver the scripture west, and together we shall watch the world tumble down at our feet into the depths of hell, and we shall laugh in the face of the Merciful Goddess herself, and live for ourselves alone, because we shall have no need of anyone but each other, and we shall dance the dance of a true nihilist, and sing the song of an unburdened heart. And we shall be free…"
For the first time, the thought crosses Goku's mind that maybe Sanzo has gone totally insane, and he wonders why the idea never occurred to him before. But Sanzo is looking at him with those eyes of his, and those eyes have only ever been rational and wise and intelligent, right? Maybe a little unbalanced, at times, but insane? A person can't just go insane overnight, can they?
"Sanzo, what did you talk about with the fortune-teller?"
"Nothing. She showed me. She showed me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me god. And it was too much for him to handle, that Sanzo who sat in the chair on his own. The Sanzo who left the chair, he didn't have to face it alone, he had some help, and now he doesn't care. He just doesn't care anymore, and he knows what he wants. He feels fine. He feels free."
Goku decides to change the subject, not being able to take much more of this cryptic talk that unsettles him so.
"Sanzo, your lip is cut, too. Sorry, I just noticed. "
"Gojyo. Blame Gojyo. He has nice sharp teeth."
"Gojyo? What the heck was Gojyo doing with his teeth on your lip?"
"Wouldn't you like to know."
"Well, yeah. I am kinda interested actually."
"Why don't you make yourself useful then and kiss it all better for me, my silly little monkey?"
Goku tenses, and then takes a breath.
"You mean… like this?"
So he bends down and places a light kiss on Sanzo's lips, wondering why he should have felt nervous about something that feels so right.
"Mmm… that'll do, for now."
Sanzo's eyes are beginning to drop shut on and off now, as if he's having trouble keeping awake, but doesn't want to let himself slip into sleep just yet.
"Goku…"
"Yeah?"
"Can't you take the pain away? I think you're the only one… who can."
"I'm no healer, Sanzo, I did the best I could, but it's just gonna take time for the wound to heal. I'm sorry if it hurts."
"No, no Goku. Not that, I can barely feel it. I mean the pain here, inside."
He places his hand on his chest over his heart, and Goku suddenly feels as if his own chest is hurting, constricting with a deep kind of emotional pain, almost too much to bear.
"Can you help me, Goku? Can you take the pain away, even just for a little while? Soon, I know I won't feel it anymore...my heart, my soul, they'll be sterilized. They'll be dead. But it still hurts now, Goku, it hurts to feel the soul dying inside of me. Can't you make it stop? Goku… can't you help me?"
Sanzo's whisper is so soft now, that if Goku were human he would not even be able to make out the words, and even though Goku can hear them, he doesn't know what they mean. But he can hear the pain in Sanzo's voice, and see it in those beautiful eyes. He wants to comfort Sanzo, to reach out to him and let him know that he isn't alone. He wants to offer him something, some assurance that his Goku is here right by his side, through everything, and won't be leaving anytime soon, no matter what may happen.
He ends up surprising himself with what he decides to do. The hand that he has had resting comfortably on Sanzo's stomach slowly slips lower, softly caressing the smooth, pale skin, until it reaches the top of Sanzo's jeans. Then, tentatively, carefully, he unbuttons, and then slowly unzips. The sound of the zipper seems to fill the entire night sky. Sanzo does not protest, and only one word escapes his lips, like nothing more than a release of breath it is spoken so very softly.
"Please."
Goku does not hesitate any further, but slips his hand inside Sanzo's jeans, and Sanzo replies to his touch with a sigh that is almost more than a sigh, so he continues what he has begun, and as the man at his side responds further, indicting his pleasure and release, Goku's starry night is replaced by nothing but Sanzo, who is his universe, the very burning center of his universe.
Afterwards, he lies down next to Sanzo under those glittering stars, just resting his head on Sanzo's chest and listening to his precious heartbeat, with one hand gently stroking his stomach in a comforting touch, and watches over him as he sleeps, until he, too, slips into the realm of dreams.
TO BE CONTINUED