My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 9

My Pain is Your Pain

Gojyo drives at breakneck speed, desperate to get Hakkai back to the village. It doesn't take long, however, for it to dawn on him that they will need help long before they ever manage to get that far. As well, he doesn't know how much longer he can stay conscious and focus on the road. What's more, this is a deserted area, with little chance for running into any chance of assistance along the way.

The events that had brought them to this current state had happened so fast and unexpectedly, and with such deadly intensity, that it is hard to believe that they had actually had to leave behind two members of their group. Even though unsure as to the severity of Sanzo's injury, at least, for now, he knows that Goku will look after him. Goku is more than capable of protecting Sanzo from external threats, but what about protecting Sanzo from himself? Can Goku do that? Can Goku keep him from falling any further into the shadows that seem to be overtaking him?

His vision blurring and his hands slipping on the wheel, Gojyo's last thoughts before his body finally gives in are for Hakkai.

When he finally slumps down in the seat, Hakuryu transforms. Flying back and forth over the still bodies of his companions, squealing repeatedly in distress, he eventually begins to widen his flight path, going higher, and his keen eyes begin to scan the surrounding area for any signs of life.

XXX

Probably only luck and good timing are to be thanked. That, as well as good old Hakuryu's faithful devotion and determination, of course. As it turns out, however, Hakuryusearchs, and finds someone very unexpected, and in the circumstances, very welcome. Hakuryu greets her almost like a friend, for he remembers certain previous encounters.

So, Hakkai and Gojyo find themselves brought to the village upon the back of a flying dragon, by a friend who is not a friend, and they are soon bandaged, treated and recovering. Demons are strong. Their bodies won't take long to heal. They are already beginning to consider their next move. Of course, they will go after Sanzo and Goku. How can they not? Their place is with Sanzo in this mission. They will see him safely through even if it is the last thing that they ever do.

Though they aretroubled by the knowledge that Sanzo had been hit in the attack, and the fact that they are unsure of the condition they had been forced to leave him in, they can only count on Goku. For the time being, that will have to be enough of a consolation, for it is their only consolation. Except…

They now have a possible source of information as to their current predicament, and are currently engaged in a solemn discussion with their unlikely companion.

"Miss Yaone, Goku mentioned that Sanzo had seen a fortune-teller in this village. This in itself struck me as somewhat odd. Sanzo isn't the type to get taken in by something like that. We were thinking it might possibly have something to do with his recent unusual behaviour."

Yaone speaks.

"From what you describe, it seems my fears may be true. I had hoped I would find the information to be merely a false rumour, but now… May I accompany you in your investigation? I was on my way here to search for evidence of truth for myself anyway when I came across your dragon. I think I may have an idea of what is happening, but I want to be sure. I may be able to offer you some insight, but please be forewarned, you may not like what you hear."

XXX

Together, engaged in a temporary alliance, the improbable threesome begins to search for leads as to where this mysterious fortune-teller can be found. It isn't easy, as no one seems to know anything about such a person. Strange, considering the small size of the town. If something exists here then it should be common knowledge.

After combing the village in an exhaustive and seemingly fruitless effort, they finally turn up a hint. Someone happens to mention that a new resident in the town, a reclusive woman who sells herbs and the like, including incense, reminds them of a type who might be into fortune-telling, but that that isn't a service the woman offers, at least not that they are aware of.

Incense.

This could be what they're after, and they waste no time in finding the mentioned location.

They find the place unattended and unlocked, and so proceed to let themselves in. The smell of the different substances that greets them is strong, but not unpleasant. Not like the pungently putrid smell of the incense Sanzo had been burning. Also, alarmingly, it does not cover the thick scent of death permeating the air.

Pushing their way through the curtains into the next room, the source of the smell is revealed. The body of a woman lies on the floor, dressed head to toe in green, and judging by her posture she had been trying to crawl towards the door just before death. There is a pool of dried blood beneath her head, and a swarm of flies is busy at work. Bending down, Gojyo lifts the veil she wears over her face, and averts his eyes at the sight that is revealed. Yaone gasps, covering her mouth with her hand. The woman's face is forever distorted in an expression of horror, and there is blood caked around her nostrils, and down her face.

A moment of grim silence is shared, as they consider the implications of their discovery. Next, a thorough search through the herbal items, which seem to be disturbed somewhat, as if someone has been doing the exact same thing before their arrival, soon reveals an odour matching Sanzo's incense. Yaone looks over the substance with concern spreading over her face.

The incense and bleeding from the nose definitely seem to connect Sanzo to that dead woman, but so far it is still a mystery to Hakkai and Gojyo. They look to Yaone now as the only key to possibly solving it.

XXX

Goku and Sanzo's journey continues, with just the two of them heading westward. To Goku, it almost seems as if time has stopped, that's how tranquil the atmosphere has become. Sanzo is still recovering, and remains resting in the back of the little wagon that has become their refuge. He has been mostly quiet, except for sometimes speaking oddly about things that Goku can't make coherent sense out of, and so he just listens, and doesn't ask.

Although a calm has seemed to descend upon the pair, Goku still can't shake the feeling that it is an omen of worse to come. It scares him that he has no idea what Sanzo has on his mind, what he might do next, as his behaviour has been so bizarrely erratic and unpredictable of late. But he doesn't know what he can do except keep going, take care of Sanzo as best he can, and wait.

It turns out that he doesn't have to wait long. Only once since parting from their two companions does Sanzo suffer another nosebleed, this time only a tiny dribble, and Sanzo does not even bother to break out the incense at all. After this episode, Sanzo begins to grow restless. He becomes more insistent in his requests for Goku to help ease his pain, to which Goku willingly complies.

Until, Goku's premonition of impending trouble actually comes to pass, and things change.

XXX

Goku finds himself waking in the night, with an odd and eerie sense of déjà vu causing him to go instantly on edge. He had fallen asleep in their little nest in the back of the wagon, with Sanzo's arms around him, but now Sanzo is gone, and he is alone with only the smell of blood.

He jolts alert, feeling like he is awakening to a nightmare. He climbs from the wagon, calling Sanzo's name into the darkness, scanning frantically and following his sense of smell.

Finally, overby the brook, he finds Sanzo crouching on the rocks by the edge of the water. Goku allows himself to breath a small sigh of relief, but does not yet swallow his apprehension. He approaches.

Sanzo is facing away from him, towards the water. He is shivering and naked, his skin and hair soaking wet. Goku calls his name questioningly, and in response he turns to face Goku.

Goku is stricken to the very bone by what he sees.

Sanzo's eyes are glazed, and he holds his little pocketknife in a tightly clenched fist. His priest's robe lies discarded at his side, and has been torn and slashed into pieces. Worse, his body is covered in cuts and gashes, the letters on his arm from the previous episode re-carved. On the opposite arm he has engraved another word:

U N H O L Y

His hands are covered in blood, and his skin is smeared with the glistening red liquid.

This time, Goku's bursting heart does not react to the fear by trying to escape. This time he rushes forward and drops to his knees in front of Sanzo, taking a hold of his wrist and wresting the blade from his possession.

Oh, if only he had thought to confiscate this horrible implement of harm, but he had not, and now it is too late.

"Sanzo! Oh, Sanzo, what did you do? Why, Sanzo, why? Tell me, Sanzo. Talk to me!"

He drops the knife and takes a hold of Sanzo's other wrist as well, blood coating his palms from the wounds. He gives Sanzo a good shake, trying to get him to focus on him. And suddenly, he does. His eyes meet Goku's directly, and seem to clear a little.

"Goku? How much will it take, Goku? How much will be enough?"

"Sanzooo! Please just stop! I can't… I don't know what I'm supposed to do! Sanzo?"

Sanzo seems unaffected by Goku's outburst, and Goku releases his hold on him, throwing his hands down instead to his knees as he kneels on the rocks. A moment of shaky breathing and stillness, and then he raises his head at the sound of Sanzo's voice.

"Goku, how much will it take to cleanse myself of this… holiness. How much blood must be shed? I don't want this soul, Goku. No. It belongs to Konzen, not Sanzo. It doesn't… fit… me."

He closes his eyes and shakes his head, and then smiles sadly at Goku.

"Goku… my Goku… you are the only thing… the only thing I have to hold onto. The only treasure I have that has any value. Not the scripture… not my title… not even my own existence… only you."

"Sanzo?"

"Goku, if I were to hurt you, would it be enough then? Could I wash out my soul… if I used your blood? Mine doesn't work, Goku. It's not enough. If I were to hurt you… would you let me, Goku? Would you let me hurt you?"

"Sanzo? Why do you need…"

"Please, please help me Goku. Only you can do it, only you. Will you help me? It hurts. It hurts so much."

His heart breaking with his longing to relieve Sanzo's torment, Goku scoots forward and wraps him in his arms.

Sanzo kisses Goku gently on the top of his head, and then leans forward, easing Goku down onto the rocks, straddling his body and caressing him with blood-smeared hands. Then, he picks up the blade, and as he presses it to Goku's skin, Goku feels himself go numb.

Through the stinging numbness, he thinks that if only he can take away Sanzo's pain, then everything will be okay, and if to do that, it means he has to take Sanzo's pain upon himself, then maybe that's okay too. Maybe that's okay.

For he will follow the light of his sun, even if its fire burns him alive every step of the way.

When he feels the blade cut into his skin, he closes his eyes, and deep inside, he cries.