My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 17

Poison For A Cure

Awakening sometime in the hours before dawn, Sanzo finds himself dressed in nothing but his own skin, his body entangled with Goku's equally naked form. Still only half awake, but with a growing sense of unease that had disturbed his sleep, he lets himself bask in this little paradise. Goku is so warm, and he feels so safe here, so complete. Strange. When he had first reached out his hand to that lonely, imprisoned creature those years ago, and watched as the chains fell away, he never thought that some day, that same creature would be reaching out to him, and breaking his own chains. Who would have thought that he and that boy would end up together like this? If anyone had ever suggested such a thing at the time, the very idea would certainly have earned them a lovely bullet hole. But now… it just is.

Goku has proved that he will be at Sanzo's side no matter what happens, however dark or how difficult the situation. He has effectively given himself to Sanzo heart and soul. But Sanzo wonders; how is he worthy of such devotion, such pure faith? What does he have to give in return? The answer is nothing, and it chills him. He is nothing. What's more, he has been reduced to a weak, dependent, useless, worthless bundle of sensitivity and uncertainty. He had even been crying for goodness sake. And what for? For Goku? No, for himself. How very pathetic.

Goku shifts slightly in his sleep, snuggling closer, as if in reassurance. Sanzo hesitates a moment, and then accepts the comfort offered, relaxing into it. A part of him, the part that is lonely and aching, wants so much to just lose himself forever in this golden embrace. Oh, yes, that part wants to hold his Goku close and pretend that everything is fine, to lock himself away within this golden heart with matching eyes, eyes that will find no fault with him, not ever, because this is were he belongs, and will always be welcome. But, another part admonishes him and tells him that this can never be, and demands that he listen and take action, before it is too late.

So he has let Goku inside his heart, and Goku says he will prove that it isn't empty. Foolish. Goku is too trusting. He will only end up getting lost inside the endless darkness, and in the process, become tainted, wounded, until perhaps one day it will even be enough to kill him. Yes, perhaps Gojyo is right. Sanzo is poisonous. Anyone he lets inside to touch upon the toxic substance of his heart will only end up getting hurt.

He has already hurt Goku enough.

Genjo Sanzo is dead. The person he is now is just an empty shell, without even the false pretences of importance that Genjo Sanzo wore upon himself as a mask to hide his inner worthlessness. Whoever he is now, he is utterly unworthy of Goku's love. Yes, he must set Goku free, release him from the constricting bonds of misguided devotion that have captured him. He must set himself free from the weakness that is rotting the last vestiges of his remaining strength. For if he gives in to Goku, to the promise of comfort so offered, he will lose sight of the truth, the truth about himself, and Goku will suffer the consequences.

He disentangles himself from Goku, taking special care not to waken him. If that were to happen now, he may very well lose his resolve. He pauses for a moment to look upon Goku, and a tiny smile threatens the corner of his lip as he admires the peaceful expression on the sleeping demon's face. Then all traces of the smile are gone, forced away like swallowing bitter medicine. He leans down to place a ghost of a kiss upon Goku's lips, and another upon his brow, and then he disengages himself completely from the welcoming embrace and leaves the inviting warmth of the bed. Goku mumbles something in his sleep, and Sanzo looks back, feeling the nearly irresistible pull to climb back into those arms, but instead he turns, gathering together his discarded clothing and pulling on his jeans.

He seats himself down at the table, alone in the dark. After a short time, he notices that he's tapping his fingers silently on the tabletop, and that he's bouncing his leg restlessly. In annoyance, he forces himself to be still, only to find himself doing it again a moment later. How has he allowed himself to become so unsettled? Where is his self-control, his inner strength, his will power? Ah, yes, it must have died along with Genjo Sanzo. He chokes back a dejected laugh.

Automatically, he reaches for his cigarettes, only to remember that he has no way to light up. He slams the package down on the table with a snort of disgust. Disgusted with himself. He removes a cigarette from the pack just to give his hands something to do, tapping the stick against the table top in a meaningless rhythm. He reaches in his pocket again, pulling out something else. Bullets. He snorts in disgust again. So he has been reduced to this. Cigarettes without fire, bullets without a gun. A face without a name, or perhaps a name without meaning. A priest without a shred of holiness. Former priest, for Genjo Sanzo is dead, he is sure of it. All that remains is emptiness, worthlessness, and… Goku.

Why does Goku stay? Can he not see the truth? Even Gojyo and Hakkai can see it. That he is no longer worthy of trust, that he is poisonous. Why can Goku not see this? He doesn't deserve Goku. Goku isn't even safe with him. He'll only end up getting hurt, one way or another. He can't allow that. He must conjure up whatever scrap of strength he has remaining and clean up the mess of things that he has made. He must try to put things right.

With a sigh, he leans his head down on the table, and closes his eyes.

XXX

In the morning, Goku stretches as he opens his eyes. He is happy. So very happy, because his Sanzo has finally let him in, finally broken down his stubborn walls and let him in. Goku had offered his love, and it had been accepted. He turns his head, wanting to look upon the face of the sun, but Sanzo is not beside him. Oh. He must be up already. Somewhat disappointed, Goku yawns and sits up in bed, running his hands through his hair and blinking to clear his bleary eyes. He sees Sanzo sitting at the table, and smiles a greeting.

"Morning."

Sanzo does not look up. He seems to be completely engrossed in the useless activity of replacing a stack of cigarettes, one by one, back into the package from which he had removed them.

"Sanzo?"

Still Sanzo does not even acknowledge him, until a moment later one of the cigarettes he is playing with rolls over the edge of the table and onto the floor. Sanzo bends to retrieve it, and as he straightens up again, his eyes meet Goku's. For a moment he just looks at Goku wordlessly, expressionlessly. Then he blinks and turns back to his task.

Goku swallows uneasily. What's up with Sanzo? His eyes look so cold, so distant. What is he doing over there with the stupid cigarettes, anyway, when he could be curled up in bed over here? Why won't he say anything? Is something wrong?

As for Sanzo, he had avoided looking at Goku because he knows that if he looks at the boy, his heart may very well waver, and display its profound weakness to the world. When he had finally looked at Goku, he had been pleased with himself for managing to keep a straight face. Oh, his little Goku, he's making it so difficult, looking so pleasing sitting there in the cozy bed, shamelessly displaying all of that skin. So difficult, with his sweet little sleepy face and his hair attractively mussed up just so, golden eyes blinking themselves awake and sparkling with merriment, all for Sanzo. Sanzo knows how he must deal with this. He must harden his aching, empty heart, and be strong.

"Goku. Get dressed. You're indecent."

"Huh? Indecent?"

"I said, get dressed. Now."

Frowning, Goku slips out of bed and collects his clothing, looking at Sanzo worriedly. The blonde just turns his head, stubbornly averting his eyes so as not to give in to the temptation that is Goku. Goku pulls on his jeans and then sits on the edge of the bed. He squints in puzzlement as he notices that the ashtray is full of mutilated, un-smoked cigarettes.

"Sanzo, what's up? Are you okay?"

So much open concern in that voice, so much care, so much innocent trust and hope. Sanzo almost breaks because of it. Almost. His shoulders shake slightly in a silent half-sob, half-laugh. Then he gathers together the remnants of his wayward self-control, and concentrates it into a dose of pure poison, preparing to inject it into his target's heart.

"No, Goku. I'm not okay. I'm not."

He looks up at Goku then, is eyes full of dark intent, and he steels himself against the melting pot of gold that greets his gaze.

"Sanzo?"

"What do you want from me, Goku?"

Goku feels his heart growing cold, as a numb disbelief spreads its way inside. Sanzo's eyes, his voice, his words. Is he… no. No, it can't be. After what they shared, what they've been through. Goku thought he had finally reached through to Sanzo, now this? Images of last night flash before his eyes. Sanzo, opening his heart. Sanzo, accepting his comfort, letting him hold him, returning his touch. Sanzo, letting in the warmth. Sanzo's hands, his lips, his tears. Sanzo had cried. It had taken so much to bring them to this point. So much pain. Now this? Why, oh why? Why this now?

In desperation, Goku stands and goes to Sanzo's side, kneeling beside his chair and resting his hands on Sanzo's leg, looking up into his hard gaze. Sanzo's sharp words cut straight through the sincerity of Goku's eyes and touch.

"Well? I asked you a question, Goku. What do you want from me?"

His speech is precise and careful, as if he has to force each of the words to come out in such a way that they won't choke him in the process. Goku tries to respond, but any answer he might have given dies in his throat.

"I…"

Sanzo snorts derisively.

"I took you from the cave. I gave you a life. I gave you freedom. Isn't that enough? What more do you need? I didn't ask for you to come into my life. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Just because we were together in a past life, why does that mean we have to be together now? I don't believe in destiny, or fate. I set you free, now it's your turn to set me free, Goku. Set me free of the obligations born of the past. We don't owe each other anything. "

"Sanzo, what… what are you trying to say? I don't know what you mean."

"You never do, little monkey, you never do. And now it's too late, it's over. Did you think you could just… manipulate… our relationship any way you pleased, and everything would turn out all right? Everything would go on as if it were okay, according to your very own design? Well I'm not okay, Goku. The person I was is dead, and there isn't anything left alive inside that's any good. I have nothing to give, nothing, except for pain. You deserve so much more than that, my little monkey."

"But Sanzo, I thought…"

"You thought wrong! There's nothing left."

"But Sanzo… I… I love you."

For a moment, just a brief flicker of the eyes, Sanzo looks uncertain, as if caught off guard. Then the moment is gone. Sanzo pushes down his hesitation and narrows his eyes. He lets a cold, false smile play briefly across his lips, lips that inwardly want to tremble and relent, and kiss Goku senseless, but instead only offer words of rejection.

"Hmph. Monkey play. Silly. Goku, I'll give you one last thing. Let it represent me, and all that you can ever get from me. Accept it."

With this, he takes up a package, and removes an object, struggling to restrain the shaking in his hesitant hands. He takes Goku's hand from its place on his leg, and places the small object into his palm, closing his fist around it. Then he stands, and settles himself stubbornly by the window, idly distracting himself by digging his nails into the flesh of his arm.

Behind him, Goku opens his hand to look at the object Sanzo has placed in his hand. What he sees pierces him like a shot to the soul.

Lying in the palm of his hand…

Is a bullet.

XXX

Cold and hard. Just a lifeless implement of pain. A bringer of fatal wounds. An ending.

Goku feels huge, stinging tears building in his eyes, and at first he thinks he should deny them access to the world. Sanzo wants things sterile and harsh, after all. Not messy and emotional. Sanzo doesn't want his tears. He doesn't want him to cry for him. He doesn't want him to feel for him. Why? Because he thinks he cannot return those feelings? Because he does not want to return them? Because he doesn't return them? Goku is confused, Goku is hurt. Goku's world is closing down. Goku is shattered.

A tear does escape, after all. Trembling precariously at the edge of one eye, and then making its descent. Down, down, down. Goku is not aware of it. His mind is beginning to retreat into a dark, faraway place, a place where there is no light, where only the light of the sun can reach to pull him out, except that in this case, the sun is the very thing that has cast him into these shadows in the first place.

Sanzo resists the urge to scream, or to smash his own head into the wall over and over again, just to do something to drown out the horrible silence in the room behind him. He does not want to hear Goku's whining and complaining, but he does not want to hear this silence. He does not want to hear Goku cry, or see his tears, but he does not want to hear this awful soundlessness.

Suddenly, his heart leaps in his chest, piercing him with a sharp, stabbing pain. He cries out, clutching his chest, and stumbles against the wall. The pain continues, searing through him, and seems to spread from his heart to his limbs, to his head, to his entire body. All thought is wiped from his mind, and replaced with nothing but awareness of stinging, burning, blinding pain.

He collapses to the floor, writhing in agony, each beat of his heart pumping white-hot pain into every fiber of his being. He can't breathe, and finds he can only gasp uncontrollably, his throat constricting, his body tensing and convulsing as his vision goes black. He reaches out numbly, one hand grasping blindly and unknowingly in Goku's direction. But Goku is so lost inside himself now, falling into that damaged refuge that has been burnt into him by the spiritual attack he had suffered recently, that he is not even aware of Sanzo's pain, or that Sanzo needs his help.

XXX

Just at the point when Sanzo feels as if his body will burst apart into its individual molecules due to the unspeakable physical torment ripping through him, he finds he is finally able to take in an unrestricted breath of air. The terrible pain has subsided, and he begins gasping and panting desperately in an attempt to recover. He closes his eyes in relief, while unknown to him, the chakra upon his brow has returned. When again he opens his eyes, his vision has cleared. But it is not as Sanzo that he now views the world.

For Konzen has awakened.

TO BE CONTINUED