My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 18

Rise and Shine,
Fall and Fade

Konzen has awakened.

Awakened amidst searing pain, pain so severe he cannot breath, cannot even see. He is aware of nothing else but the pain, until finally, these effects subside. Lying on the floor, gasping in order to restore his breathing rate to normal, heart still pounding in his chest, awareness slowly returns. Confusion, disorientation, and the lingering ghosts of past events still wailing through his mind all come to his attention.

Pushing himself up into a sitting position, he struggles to get his bearings. The last thing he can remember is the battle. With a sick feeling he remembers watching Tenpou and Kenren die. That had been real, much too real. He remembers trying to protect Goku, wanting to keep him safe above all else, his care for the boy almost overpowering in its intensity. Yes, he had come to care for Goku that much, without even realizing it, until it was too late. He remembers…

With a gasp of panic, Konzen reaches for his throat, and calls out Goku's name into the strange room where he now finds himself. His voice had been stolen from him. His life had been taken as well. And Goku. His Goku had been taken from him, his protection denied to the boy.

Now, there is no blood, and he can hear the sound of his own voice calling out. He can see his body; feel the solid floor beneath him. He is not dead. But then, what had happened? He had felt the sword in the instant before his life was extinguished. He had felt it. He had been so afraid, terrified. Now…

Still feeling shaky, one hand upon his throat, Konzen takes in his surroundings. What is this strange room? It feels so… real. His eyes sweep over the room, and stop dead when they see Goku. Any attempt at trying to make sense of his situation comes crashing to a halt. Goku. Goku is here, and he is safe. They are not dead, and Goku is here.

He blinks, blind relief gradually clearing into puzzled concern. Something is different. Something is wrong.

This is Goku; there is no doubt of that in his mind. But… this Goku is different because he is not the child he remembers. This Goku is a young man. And something is wrong because Goku is staring straight at him, but not seeing him. His golden eyes are vacant, lost, and dead to the world. Konzen calls his name again, a note of desperation in his voice. When he gets no response, not even so much as a flicker, he crawls towards Goku. When he reaches him, he gives the slumped shoulders a shake. Goku may as well be a lifeless doll for all the reaction that he can get out of him. No amount of shaking or calling has any effect. Konzen feels panic beginning to overtake him, and even anger will not tame it. He slaps Goku across the face again and again, but still there is nothing. Nothing. Has Goku been taken from him after all? Is this a nightmare?

Tears begin to wet Konzen's cheeks. He is so afraid, so confused, so helpless, and Goku is…

He throws his arms around Goku's vacant body, holding him close, never wanting to let go again. Not ever again. He whispers Goku's name in a tightly constricted voice, a voice that never again wants to be restrained from calling out to the creature he has come to love. If nothing else, then at least he will not let Goku out of his sight again. Not this time. No matter what happens.

For Goku, the familiar, comforting presence and embrace of the one he loves, this special warmth and light that he craves more than anything else, gradually sinks into his awareness, and he wants to let it in. But to let it in, he must reach for it. To reach for it, he must be awake. So he awakens. He blinks, and mumbles Sanzo's name. At the sound, Konzen pulls back, frowning with concern into Goku's eyes.

Goku looks back at him, looking for reassurance in those violet eyes, looking for acceptance. What he sees is worry, and fear. Faced with this, Goku wants to retreat, he wants to hide, and so his mind begins to slip away again. Renewed panic flares up in Konzen, and he pulls Goku back into an embrace, speaking words of reassurance, begging Goku to stay with him, just to stay with him, promising not to leave him again. Goku hears, and he responds. This is the comfort his soul demands, the spiritual antidote for which he yearns. The waking world envelops him once again, and he is back. He returns the embrace, soaking it in like medicine.

Eventually, a sense of calm settles on the two. Konzen tentatively breaks his hold, in order to check on Goku's condition. He breathes a sigh of relief upon seeing that Goku is still with him, and apparently much recovered.

"Goku. What happened? Why are you…"

"Sanzo? I… I'm sorry. I only wanted to… but I hurt you again, didn't I? You're right. I guess nothing works. But… I thought I could help. I'm sorry, Sanzo, you don't want my help."

"Goku, what are you babbling about? You aren't hurt, are you?"

"Hurt? I… no. Sanzo, you were hurt. I thought I could help heal you. Don't you want to be healed, Sanzo?"

Konzen shakes his head, trying to understand what Goku is saying, confusion bubbling up again.

"Goku, I think I was hurt, but I'm fine now, I'm fine. But what happened to you? Why are you like this?"

"Like… what? I still don't know what you mean, Sanzo. And… I don't care about past lives or whatever. I just wanna be with you now, in this life."

For some reason, an ominous shiver runs its way up Konzen's spine.

"Past…lives? Goku, what are you talking about? Why do you keep calling me that name, Sanzo? It's me, Konzen."

"Kon…zen?"

Goku shakes his head slightly, and reaches out, almost hesitantly, to touch Konzen's hair, searching deep within his eyes for answers to the confusing mess presently swirling in his mind.

"Konzen. Sanzo. The same, but different. Sanzo said… Konzen is here with him. Sanzo said… I was with Konzen in the past. He said…"

Konzen listens, and then questions Goku, seeking answers which, somehow, he feels he already knows.

"Goku, who is this Sanzo? Does he have something to do with why you look like this? Goku?"

As Goku gazes into Konzen's eyes, something suddenly seems to click. This is Sanzo, but why does he somehow not feel like the Sanzo he knows? This is Sanzo, but also… not Sanzo. Sanzo's words from last night come back to him, when he had spoken of Konzen. Goku hadn't understood, then. But Sanzo had said that he would know. Yes, he does know. This man, this isn't his Sanzo. No, this is Konzen, from long ago. This isn't about memory; those memories have been lost to him for so long. This is about a feeling, and about simply knowing. This is about a connection so deep that it goes beyond time and memory. This is truth.

"Konzen… I know you. Konzen. It's… it's been so long, I thought I'd forgot. I did forget. Konzen, Konzen, Konzen. How could I ever forget?"

Tears begin to fall from Goku's eyes. The reason for the tears is so mixed up, that he can barely even place it. Part sorrow, and part joy. All he finds he can do is throw his arms around Konzen's neck.

"Konzen! I missed you. Even if I didn't know what I missed, I still missed you. Then Sanzo came, and he is you, but not you, and I forgot. I still forget, but I know I know you. I know you, Konzen, I know you"

"Goku… where are we? What happened?"

"You died, Konzen. I didn't, but I waited for you. I waited, and waited, and you came. As Sanzo, you came. I don't understand much, except this. Something happened to Sanzo, and you came back. That's why you're both here now. Sanzo said… Sanzo said you came back for a reason, and that I had to help you. I had to help you so you could help him."

"How long… was I gone? How long did you wait for Sanzo?"

"I don't know. Years and years, I guess. Long, long time. I was alone. But you did come. You did."

"Goku, I...I'm sorry. I never meant to leave you. But of course I would come back. I would always come back."

As Goku cries, Konzen gently strokes his hair, pondering over everything that has been said, and although he is still confused, he knows the truth behind these words. He remembers too the strange dreams he had been having, and this Goku looks just like the Goku in those dreams.

"Goku, I'm here now, for whatever reason. And… I think… I think I can feel this Sanzo… somewhere inside. He's confused, but he wants me to help. I'll try to listen, I'll try to listen to you both."

A sudden knock at the door makes them both jump, and a second later, the door opens to admit Hakkai. He pauses in surprise at seeing the occupants of the room both sitting on the floor together.

"Oh, am I interrupting something? I'm sorry, but we're ready to go down for breakfast now."

Konzen stares, and stares. Tenpou! But, he had seen Tenpou killed. Yet here he is, alive and well.

"Tenpou?"

Goku looks quizzically at Konzen, observing his reaction to Hakkai's appearance.

"You knew Hakkai in the past, didn't you? Konzen, listen. He isn't the same person. Whoever he was, that person died. He's Hakkai now. Do you understand?"

Konzen turns to look at Goku, trembling with emotion. He looks back at Hakkai, and nods his head.

Intently, Hakkai observes this strange interplay, hiding his concern behind a friendly smile. He hasn't missed the fact that Sanzo's chakra has returned, and that Goku had called Sanzo Konzen, the same name that Homura had always used to address him. What's more, Goku's words to Sanzo sound completely bizarre, and yet the both of them seem to be taking it very, very seriously. Also, Sanzo and Goku both appear to be in a state of emotional arousal, as well, almost as if they have just been through something very significant, or even traumatic. This isn't looking good, to say the least, especially after what he and Gojyo had discussed earlier.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo had heard a rumour, a piece of information in circulation, about Sanzo. Apparently, the story of the temple massacre in the previous town had already filtered this far, during the time in which they had spent resting in the other town. Genjo Sanzo is being called a madman, a terror to humans and a friend to demon kind, a bringer of darkness who will summon death in his wake. These rumours, they know, they will soon outrun, traveling faster than they can spread. But still, is it wise to allow them to spread, without doing anything to allay these fears? What can they do, though? Besides, unfortunately, they are true. Hakkai and Gojyo don't know the details of everything that happened at the temple, but what they do know does not paint a very pretty reconstruction of how events may have played out there.

What they know is that for some reason, Goku had not killed Sanzo, and the two seem to have been traveling together. Goku had obviously been responsible for most of the deaths at the temple, for the monks were literally torn apart. But the other bodies, those of the villagers, they were untouched. Sanzo had said that he had used the scripture in an attack, in which Goku had accidentally gotten caught. Putting two and two together would seem to indicate that Sanzo himself had been responsible for killing the villagers. This is a very disturbing thought.

They still wonder and worry over Sanzo's mental condition. His behaviour now is different than it was, as he hasn't tried to turn against them or attack anyone, but yet he definitely isn't himself. Now, they would like to make an attempt at countering the vile rumours, perhaps dissuade the truth before it becomes ingrained in the minds of the locals. It would not do to have rumours of his insanity reach the ears of those behind Gyuumaoh's resurrection. Yes, Yaone knows, and therefore likely Kougaiji does as well. But perhaps… the power behind Kougaiji has not been informed of the success of the attempt to corrupt Sanzo's mind. It would be too much to ask that Kougaiji has not passed on this information, but Yaone had stated that they were not a party to the plan, and did not approve of it, so perhaps…

In any case, in order to disprove the rumours, they need Sanzo sane. They need him to make an appearance that will demonstrate good mental health. Is this possible? At this point, probably not, and that leaves only one solution, if rather a reluctant one.

Hakkai must take on the task of impersonating Sanzo.

XXX

Goku quickly leads Konzen through the routine of getting ready to go, providing him with a hushed and brief explanation of current circumstances as they do so. Then, he silently takes Konzen by the hand, leading him towards the door where Hakkai is patiently waiting. Goku implores the blond with his eyes to remain quiet. As the two pass by Hakkai, Konzen can't help but stare at the dark haired man, eyes as wide as saucers, taking in all the differences between him and the god he once knew as Tenpou.

When they arrive at the breakfast table, Konzen reacts to Gojyo in much the same way as when Hakkai had appeared, and is very noticeably shaken. He can't refrain from staring alternately at all three of his companions, not eating until prompted by Goku, at which point he will take one bite, and then resume his staring. Eventually, this routine creeps Gojyo out enough that he can no longer hold his tongue.

"Hey, Sanzo. What's your problem?"

Gojyo is far from pleased with the answer that he gets.

"You're… you're not dead."

Goku looks up in sharp disapproval, and Gojyo narrows his eyes suspiciously. Gojyo can only assume that Sanzo is referring to the fight that had ended up separating them, and suddenly he finds his appetite waning.

"No, of course I'm not dead. It's gonna take more than that to kill me off. Sorry if that disappoints you."

Sensing a tense situation, Hakkai attempts to diffuse it before it gets out of hand.

"Now, now, Gojyo. Lets just enjoy being alive while we eat breakfast quietly, shall we?"

The crimson-eyed half-breed tears his eyes away from Konzen's wide-eyed gaze.

"Yeah, whatever. I think I just lost my appetite, anyway."

Goku tugs on Konzen's shirt, whispering a reminder into his ear.

"Hey, Kon… I mean, Sanzo, remember what I said. They won't understand, so you hafta pretend, okay? Don't worry, I'll help you."

Konzen nods slowly, before his eyes again wander in Hakkai and Gojyo's direction, and Gojyo rolls his eyes in exasperation.

XXX

After breakfast, Gojyo lights a cigarette, and tosses the lighter to Konzen, who just barely manages to catch it.

"Go ahead and have a smoke, Sanzo, but you know I still need that back after."

Konzen stares at him, dumbfounded, his lip curling up in distaste at the idea of smoking.

Goku frowns a little, considering. Then he reaches into Konzen's pocket for Sanzo's cigarettes. He takes the lighter from Konzen and lights a stick, offering it to Konzen.

"Here, you'd better just take this. You probably don't even know, but you're addicted now, so it'll be easier this way."

"You… you mean… I… he smokes?"

Goku giggles as he watches Konzen cringe in disgust.

"Yeah, I know it's a weird habit, but he's hooked bad, so just do it and get it over with, kay?"

Konzen shakes his head in adamant refusal, staring at the burning cigarette as if Goku had just offered him a writhing worm to snack on.

Sighing, Goku shrugs, and then grabs the back of Konzen's head, holding him in place as he sticks the cigarette in his mouth by force. Taken by surprise, Konzen gasps, inadvertently sucking in the smoky air. As he does so, he realizes that the effect is not entirely unpleasant, and that it seems to ease the craving for something that had been nagging at him, and was especially triggered as soon as Gojyo had lit up his foul cigarette.

Reluctantly, Konzen accepts the cigarette, and grumpily, unhappily, finishes it off. Gojyo watches this whole scene in fascinated disbelief, nearly forgetting his own cigarette's existence entirely.

XXX

After the cigarette incident, Hakkai takes Konzen and Goku back up to their room, telling them that he and Gojyo have some minor business to attend to before they head out. Once in the room, he speaks to Goku.

"Goku, would you come out into the hall with me for a moment? I want to have a word. Sanzo, we'll only be a moment. Please wait inside."

Hakkai leads Goku down the hall a little ways, and puts his hand on Goku's shoulder.

"Goku, I wanted to have a word with you about how you're doing. Are you and Sanzo getting along all right?"

He looks squarely into Goku's eyes, expressing his concern but not allowing himself to appear at all worried.

"Sure Hakkai. I'm fine, and we're getting along just great."

"I'm glad to hear that, Goku.We haven't discussed this with you, but you know Sanzo isn't well, mentally. Something happened in the village with the fortuneteller. She did something to his mind, and it damaged him."

"So, the fortuneteller… Hakkai, I've been tryin' and tryin' to help, but it's so hard, and nothing works. I don't even care if he's… different… I just… I just can't stand to see him hurting. Hakkai… "

Goku lowers his head, hurting on Sanzo's behalf, remembering he and Sanzo's last exchange, just before Konzen had appeared. He also can't help feeling somewhat guarded around Hakkai, not entirely trusting his friend enough to disclose all he knows and feels regarding Sanzo, for whom he has become very defensive, and for whom his loyalties now lie first and foremost. In this present uncertainty concerning Sanzo, and now Konzen, all he knows is that he is on Sanzo's side, no matter what. Hakkai, he now knows, and Gojyo, are potentially a threat to him, if they come to consider Sanzo a threat. He won't allow anything, or anyone, to threaten his Sanzo. Not even Gojyo or Hakkai.

"Goku, I'm sorry. I don't know if Sanzo will ever fully recover, but if we all help him, then maybe he has a chance."

Hakkai's words are like dull, meaningless echoes in Goku's ears, as they continue to flow sluggishly into his mind.

"Goku, I don't know what happened between you and Sanzo when you were on the road together. Did Sanzo do anything to frighten you, or hurt you, before you lost your limiter? I couldn't help but notice the scars. If you want to talk about it, I'm always here to listen. You're not alone, Goku. Goku?"

"I'm fine, Hakkai. We're fine. I took care of Sanzo the best I could, and… Even now, I know Sanzo is still there, inside."

Goku looks up, meeting Hakkai's eyes.

"Thank you for asking, and if I need to, I'll talk. But I don't. Need to, that is. I'm good. I can handle this. Sanzo is Sanzo."

He nods his head definitively, forcing a smile to his lips. Hakkai offers one in return, but doesn't press Goku any further. Hakkai sees him to his room, and the door clicks shut. To Hakkai, no sound has ever seemed so sad, as the sound of that door closing. It represents the wall that has grown up to separate Goku and Sanzo from Gojyo and himself, and perhaps, perhaps it is a wall that they will never be able to fully dismantle, no matter how hard they try.

TO BE CONTINUED