My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 20

Little Lost Monkey

Violet eyes drip with tears of blood, spilling forth in a violent storm of chaotic madness. A blond figure kneels in the resulting pool of red, his body slowly sinking into the vile puddle. He laughs insanely, his hand clutching a familiar weapon, aiming it cruelly at his own head.

Goku screams, crawling through the sticky red liquid to reach the other man's side, even as the laughter becomes words, echoing darkly in Goku's mind.

"Are you ready to die, my little monkey? Watch me die."

The gun goes off, and Goku does watch, as a blond corpse falls forward, only to be hungrily swallowed up within the sea of blood and darkness surrounding them both.

"No! Sanzo! Sanzo!"

XXX

Konzen watches as Goku whimpers and twitches fretfully in his sleep, seemingly troubled by dreams. He scowls in consternation, momentarily torn between what he wants to do and a feeling of hesitancy that holds him back. Finally, he sighs, and gives in to his desire to offer comfort, his hand moving to gently stroke Goku's back. After a couple of minutes of this treatment, Goku relaxes, and then slowly cracks open his eyes. Quickly, Konzen pulls his hand away.

Goku blinks a few times, looking a little dazed and disoriented, until Konzen speaks his name. Immediately, Goku looks up in relief, seeking out the source of the familiar voice.

"Sanzo? Sanzo… you're… I…"

Konzen squints, his face tensing in an expression of mild accusation and disappointment at the name that falls so readily from Goku's lips. As Goku's eyes clear and focus on Konzen's disapproving glare, his still sleepy face displays its realization.

"Oh. Konzen. I… had a bad dream."

Konzen looks away, trying to appear unconcerned and indifferent, even though a pang of jealousy and a feeling of inadequacy rise up and lodge their way into his heart, sinking into its most tender, vulnerable places and taking root there against his will.

"A dream. About Sanzo?"

"Yeah, I guess. He… there was so much blood. I… it was bad."

Konzen shivers involuntarily at the mention of blood, at the memories it provokes, painful memories of death, violence and loss.

"Hmph. Forget it. You're awake now. It was only a dream. It means nothing."

"Yeah, I guess. Konzen? You… you must know a lot about… death… and stuff, being a god and all, right? Plus, you've already gone through all that. Death, I mean. Right? Konzen?"

Konzen shudders again.

"Don't… talk to me about death. I've had enough death to last an eternity."

"Oh. Sorry. I just… never mind."

Konzen remembers now the dreams he himself had been having, when he was alive in Heaven. Dreams he now knows were of Sanzo and his human life, a life that he now finds himself living. Konzen stares at his hands, clutching tightly at the blanket, his thoughts growing increasingly more troubled.

Those memories are from when he was alive. But he had died. Does that mean he is dead now, just a spirit inhabiting this body? This body… it belongs to Sanzo… but… he is Sanzo, is he not? Sanzo is what he will one day become, upon rebirth. Then, what is he doing here now? Konzen died, he should be dead. He should be Sanzo.

Goku, the effects of the dream losing impact now that he is awake, feels his own concerns fading as he observes Konzen.

"Konzen?"

Konzen looks up sharply, a spooked and haunted expression clouding his eyes. Words fall harshly from his tongue, flung at Goku in a disguise of impetuous venom to mask his own distress.

"I'm not Sanzo."

Somewhat taken aback, Goku is at a loss for words. Konzen doesn't wait for him to collect himself, he simply frowns and throws aside the covers viciously, getting out of bed and stalking off to the bathroom. Goku winces as Konzen slams the door shut behind him, and winces again when another loud bang emits from behind the door, followed by a string of curses.

Goku stares at the door, and lets out a strained breath of air. To himself, he whispers a belated response.

"I know. But that doesn't mean you aren't just as shiny. Besides, Sanzo was you. He came from you. And man, you can be just as difficult, too."

Goku shakes his head, feeling confused, and flops back down on the bed to wait for Konzen to emerge from his refuge.

XXX

The day gets under way, the mood somewhat tense due to Konzen's extra cranky attitude this morning. During breakfast he refuses to eat, just sitting with his arms crossed, positioned as far down on the bench from Goku as possible. For some reason, Goku can't help feeling a little guilty, as if it is somehow his fault that Konzen is so upset. Throughout the meal, Goku keeps glancing his way, until finally he decides he's had enough, and sets down his chopsticks.

"Hey, Kon…"

He glances quickly across the table at Hakkai and Gojyo, and lowers his voice.

"I mean… I guess I should say Sanzo..."

Konzen whirls on him angrily.

"Shut up! I'm not Sanzo!"

His fist comes down hard on the table with a bang, rattling the dishes and turning the heads of other patrons in the inn's tiny restaurant.

Goku recoils from this unexpected outburst, and Hakkai and Gojyo stop pretending that they don't have their eyes on Sanzo's behaviour this morning, giving him their full attention. Gojyo adopts a stern expression, while Hakkai appears calm and mild mannered as he addresses the irate blond.

"Sanzo, if there's a problem, perhaps we should discuss it now before it gets out of hand."

Konzen, his face flushed with riled emotions and ill temper, responds vehemently.

"I'm fucking fine."

Suddenly looking slightly embarrassed, Konzen straightens in his chair, drawing his clenched fists into his lap. In a quieter voice, he repeats his assurance.

"I'm fine."

Hakkai smiles and picks up his own eating utensils again.

"Well then, if that's the case, why don't you have your breakfast? You'll feel even better if you eat something."

Gojyo chuckles a little.

"You know, it's actually pretty normal for Sanzo to have a temper-tantrum."

Konzen appears to be about to make a retort, and Goku just looks oddly uncomfortable, when Hakkai cuts in.

"Now, now. Lets not get all worked up again. Sanzo, Gojyo, Goku… please finish your meals, I expect to see those plates polished off completely!"

Gojyo rolls his eyes, and Goku turns to his plate, methodically shoveling the food into his mouth. To him, the food seems to have become devoid of any taste. Gojyo gets Goku's attention, attempting to put some life and cheer back into him.

"Hey, monkey. Bet you can't clean your plate off as good as I can."

Goku looks up, feeling wasted, but never the less, manages an almost automatic response to Gojyo's challenge.

"Oh yeah? Watch this, you oversized cockroach."

The rate of his food shoveling increases, and Gojyo follows suit, relieved that he was able to get a favourable response from Goku.

The others thus occupied with their own plates, Konzen takes the opportunity to nibble a little at his food, although his appetite is less than cooperative, and his mood still far from fine.

XXX

The weather is calm and clear as they make their way outside and prepare to leave town. Goku is glum, wanting very much to reach out to Konzen and offer some comfort, as has become second-nature for him of late, but… Konzen is angry with him, and he finds he can't even look at him now without feeling ashamed of himself. The last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt Konzen, but he doesn't know how to make it better, especially since he isn't even sure what he did to upset the other in the first place.

Soon, settled side by side in the jeep, he watches Konzen out of the corner of his eye, noting the sulky and distracted look on the fair face, as Konzen stares at the back of Gojyo's seat. As he continues to observe his companion, Konzen's eyes suddenly flick in his direction, and the result is that they are both unexpectedly caught in the act of stealing secret glances at each other. Goku offers a small, anxious smile, to which Konzen responds by turning his head quickly away. Goku slumps in his seat, feeling disheartened.

Hakkai and Gojyo are engaged in a brief discussion; about what Goku neither knows nor cares. The result is that Gojyo goes back inside the inn, leaving them to wait outside. Gradually, Goku becomes aware of a slightly withdrawn and sluggish feeling coming over him. He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the unpleasant listlessness. With a sense of urgency that is almost desperate in nature, he longs for some kind of contact with Konzen, any form of acknowledgment or reassurance at all. He opens his mouth to speak, not even knowing what he intends to say, but all that will come out is a very faint, strangled groan. Numbness begins to creep into his mind, dulling the panic that is beginning to set in. He clenches and unclenches his fists, trying to focus on this activity as a way to keep himself from blanking out altogether.

If only Konzen would look at him, surely he would see how much he needs him right now, but… he is being ignored. Ignored, rejected and abandoned. The sun will not grace him with its light, and he is lost, left alone in the cold darkness to fend for himself. Silently, he cries out for help, help that refuses to look his way.

XXX

Hakkai, unaware of the internal struggle that is currently taking place behind him, waits patiently for Gojyo to return from his minor mission. Konzen, equally unaware, likewise is forced to wait, although in his case it is with far less patience that he does so. As they wait, a pair of strangers approach the jeep, and Hakkai goes on alert as he realizes that they are demons, their faces hooded in an attempt at concealing their demonic features from the public eye.

Hakkai exits the jeep, standing at its side. Konzen is staring at the demons in irritated curiosity, not yet aware that there is reason for concern, when Hakkai calls back quietly over his shoulder to Goku. When there is no response, he calls again, still receiving no acknowledgement. Risking a quick glance, he turns to check on Goku's position, his breath catching at the sight of the unresponsive state that Goku has fallen into. That look is too recently familiar for comfort, but Hakkai wonders; why has Goku suddenly become stricken again? He is obviously upset about Sanzo this morning, could that be the reason?

In any case, Goku will be useless in a fight right now. Sanzo also will be of not much help, as they can't risk putting a weapon into his hands. As for Gojyo, he must have been delayed or distracted by something inside, most likely a pretty waitress or some such thing, for he has still not returned. That leaves Hakkai alone to handle the present situation.

The hooded demons have stopped a short, safe distance from the jeep, and now one of them, the female, comes forward a couple more steps.

"Greetings. The purpose of our visit is to see Genjo Sanzo. However, I count only three of you, when I know your group to consist of four. Could it be, perhaps, that Genjo Sanzo is no longer with you?"

Hakkai muses on the oddness of such a question. Could these two, perhaps, have been sent to determine the success of the attack on Sanzo's mind?

In case this is so, he must be careful to give nothing away. Moving slowly so as not to raise any alarm, he takes off his headband, exposing to view the artificial chakra hidden beneath.

"I am Genjo Sanzo. What business have you with me?"

The demon regards him appraisingly for a moment, and then bows slightly before responding.

"Ah. Genjo Sanzo. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. May I ask, how do you feel? I trust that all is well with you?"

A mocking smile touches her lips.

"Very well indeed, thank you. Now I must request that you cut the crap and get to the point. I don't have all day to engage in useless small talk with two demons such as yourselves."

Hakkai keeps his voice as steady, clear and composed as possible, which isn't a problem, since this comes naturally to him anyway, and his eyes are fixed, intently yet calmly, on the demon's face.

The demon's grin becomes a smirk.

"Well then, we shall get straight to the point, as you so kindly suggest."

She snaps her fingers, and instantly, the demon at her side whips out a blowgun, and sends a dart flying in Hakkai's direction.

Hakkai dodges, successfully avoiding the attack, and leaps back into his place at the steering wheel, starting the engine and shouting commands behind him, hoping they will be obeyed.

"Get down behind the seats! Bring Goku with you!"

Stunned by the unexpected violence, Konzen does not at first react. He looks towards Goku, puzzled by Hakkai's order concerning him, and grows alarmed by what he sees. He responds by freezing up with uncertainty and an advancing fear. The jeep begins to back quickly away from the scene of attack, and another dart goes whizzing by, narrowly missing its intended target. Hakkai shouts another order behind him.

"Get down now! With Goku! Now!"

Konzen rouses himself into action, getting a grip on his fear as best he can, and lunges at Goku, pulling him into shelter and holding him protectively close.

Relieved, Hakkai turns his attention back to driving. He has decided to try making an escape, rather than risk fighting and exposing his two vulnerable friends to danger. Besides, if he were to attack, he would be giving away his identity, and that is not something he is willing to do so readily if there are other options available. Ideally, he would like at least one of these opponents to remain alive in order to take back a report of apparent sanity to enemy headquarters. Of course, if it comes down to it, he won't hesitate to attack in order to protect Sanzo and Goku from harm.

Turning off onto a side street, Hakkai speeds away, attempting to put some distance between his group and their foes, and hopefully find someplace safe to hide and possibly stage an ambush.

XXX

Konzen's eyes are squeezed shut as he crouches behind the seats with Goku, holding the boy tightly against his body as if both their lives depend on it. As for Goku, his mind lock is gradually beginning to ease up in response to Konzen's embrace, which is providing him with the comfort necessary for sustaining and restoring his functional stability. Neither Goku nor Konzen see the shadow swoop overhead, as their Attackers pursue upon a flying dragon. Hakkai swerves the jeep to avoid another dart, and the sudden motion helps Goku to snap out of his stupor.

Confused, he is at first aware of nothing but Konzen next to him, and nothing else seems of any significance as he drinks in the healing effects of this closeness. He opens his eyes just in time to see the female demon unexpectedly jump from the dragon and land in the back of the jeep.

Even as Hakkai slams on the brakes, the demon slashes at Konzen with a glittering silver blade. This action is followed by blood and a cry of pain as the knife hits its mark on the back of Konzen's neck, slicing into the flesh. But there is also a cry of surprise from the demon's lips, as well.

For luckily, Goku, acting on instinct and barely even aware of what he is doing, save that he is doing it for Konzen, has pulled himself together just in time and just enough to catch the demon's hand and prevent the injury from becoming a fatality. But he is able to do no more, freezing in position with his hand locked in a death grip upon the demon's arm. She drops the knife with another cry as the bones in her arm begin to crack beneath the pressure. As the blade slides along his neck in its descent, Konzen gasps in pain, and, out of the corner of his eye, sees the demon reach into her belt and pull out a dart, jabbing it into Goku's arm.

Impulsively, Konzen picks up the discarded knife and thrusts it into the demon's belly with an enraged cry of anguish and fright. The demon stumbles back into the rear seat, body twisting in agony. Konzen follows her with the knife, cutting deeper as the blade slices upwards into its victim's gut. Blood gushes hotly upon his hands and still he does not stop, thrusting the knife within the twitching, gasping body.

By the time Hakkai has stopped the vehicle and turned in his seat, the action is already over, the demon as good as dead. He turns his attention to the one still in the air, as it descends to attempt an attack at closer range. Hakkai grabs the dart embedded in the seat next to him, and waits.

As the demon brings the blowgun to his lips, Hakkai moves, whipping the dart manually through the air. Struck, the flying dragon staggers mid-air, and loses power of flight. Cursing, the demon leaps from its back, landing and rolling upon the ground. In a flash, Hakkai is upon him, sticking him in the throat with yet another misfired dart. As he had suspected, the dart proves to be imbued with a substance of some sort, and the demon falls into unconsciousness. Staying just long enough to ensure that the demon is truly out cold, Hakkai hurries back to the jeep to check its remaining occupants.

XXX

Konzen is still clutching the handle of the knife where it protrudes from the dead demon's stomach, which has been slit completely open in a gruesome display of its contents. Konzen is covered in blood, both his own and that of his victim. Gone ghostly pale and covered in a cold sweat, he begins to vomit as a wave of nausea washes over him.

Goku, semi-conscious and slumped against the seat, clutches at Konzen's pant leg, trying to draw his attention and calm him down.

"Kon… zen. It's okay… its over… Konzen."

Konzen, shivering and feeling faint and dizzy, turns to him, and at the sight of the beloved golden eyes, dim as they presently are, relaxes somewhat. Still he jumps and cries out in surprise when Hakkai attempts to remove his hands from the knife. He is clutching the weapon so tightly, that it just ends up getting pulled out of the body, with a sickening sound. Konzen retches violently, and Hakkai pries the knife from a grip slippery with blood, and tosses it aside.

Goku looks on, struggling to stay awake and aware, as Hakkai proceeds to attend to Konzen's injury. Only when he is certain that his Konzen is going to be all right does he allow his eyes to drift shut. Due to his tremendous strength and resistance, the effect of the drug in the dart has not proven entirely effective, and total unconsciousness evades him. He merely lies listlessly, concentrating on pulling himself completely out of his mental lapse, still clutching tightly to Konzen's pant leg in an act of reassurance for both their sake's.

Hakkai checks Goku over quickly, but upon finding him otherwise unharmed, hurries back behind the wheel and heads to rendezvous with Gojyo.

XXX

They have found a small, secluded place to hole up as they recover, in the residence of the town doctor, where hopefully they will not be found if the other demon should choose to pursue them upon his awakening.

Goku is recovering nicely, and is currently in the process of trying to soothe a badly shocked and traumatized Konzen. All traces of blood have since been washed away, but still he holds his hands away from himself as if they were covered in the offending matter. All Goku can do is hold Konzen's trembling body and speak to him softly, ensuring that he is kept warm and comforted. His lips trace over the back of Konzen's neck repeatedly in a pattern of proof to both himself and Konzen that the so nearly disastrous injury has been healed and is now a thing of the past.

Eventually, with Goku's efforts, and the help of some sleeping tablets provided by the doctor, Konzen falls into a deep sleep, his breathing finally relaxed and even and the tremors in his body subsiding. Goku breaths a heavy sigh of relief, and at last allows himself to rest as well.

XXX

When he awakens again, it is well into the night. They have not been disturbed, left to rest for as long as required in the small room set aside for patient care. A pitcher and glasses for water have been set out for them, as well as another dose of tablets, and so Goku knows that someone has been in to check on them. The room is dark and quiet, the only sound being the steady beat of their hearts and the gentle rhythm of restful breathing. Konzen is lying peacefully at Goku's side, and Goku silently considers the present circumstances.

He himself has already put the battle almost entirely out of his mind, so used is he to the inevitable bloodshed and killing of their never ending demon assailants on this journey west. It has taken him by surprise to see how badly upset by the whole incident Konzen has become. Konzen and Sanzo are supposed to be the same soul, and yet Sanzo never reacts in such a way. True, Sanzo has perhaps been able to harden himself to it over time, and it is also true that the monk avoids messy, bloody kills with his choice of weapon, but still… Goku has a hard time imagining that Sanzo would ever have been affected even half as badly as this.

He is forced to conclude that life in Heaven has kept Konzen too safe, protected his from the harshness of physical pain and shielded him for the most part from the brutal truth of mortality.

Perhaps that is the fundamental difference between Konzen and Sanzo. Whereas Konzen was free from pain of any sort, living an existence almost sterile in its monotony, Sanzo has been forced to endure pain, both physical and emotional, up to levels almost beyond the limits of his endurance. Goku wonders; if Sanzo had been born into a life of happiness and peace, what kind of a man would he have become?

His thoughts are cut short as Konzen begins to groggily stir from sleep. Wanting to be right there for him as he awakens, Goku shifts closer, placing a hand over Konzen's hands to hopefully discourage them from being the source of any more freaking out concerning blood and the act of stabbing. Konzen whimpers slightly as he comes to, tucking in his chin and drawing his arms close to his body. Goku gives him another series of soft kisses to the back of the neck as he waits for him to reach full awareness.

Konzen opens his eyes at last, the soft darkness easy on his senses, his body warm and relaxed. As such, he does not immediately recall in full detail the horror he has experienced. He becomes aware of someone else's presence, and it is so very sweet and comforting that he does not doubt whose arms are around him. He wets his lips and whispers Goku's name into the dark. Goku's response is nothing more than a gentle murmur of acknowledgement.

Konzen relaxes even more, and, as the memories start to come back more vividly, he is able to brace himself against the onslaught by using the comfort that Goku provides.

"Goku, I… I had blood… on my hands. I killed that woman, didn't I? I killed… her. Goku… I killed, I killed, killed…"

"Shhh… it's okay. It's all over now. We just did what we had to do."

Konzen swallows loudly.

"But… I'm… gods aren't supposed to kill."

"You're not a god anymore. That part of you died."

"But… I haven't been reborn as human yet. And I… took a life. So much… blood, Goku, the blood. Too much. "

"It's gone now. We washed it all away."

"But… I'm afraid of the blood, Goku."

"Shhh… you don't have to be afraid anymore. It's all over."

"I'm afraid of death."

"You're not dead now. You're alive, with me. I won't let you die."

"But I'm… I think I am dead. Dead. Not supposed to be here. And… I'm afraid of Sanzo."

This last statement is unexpected by Goku, and it disturbs him more than any of the others. Sanzo also had complained of feeling dead, and… Konzen says he is afraid of Sanzo?

"Konzen. Why are you afraid of… of Sanzo?"

Konzen whimpers a little as if to protest the question, his breathing growing slightly stressed. Goku's lips tenderly caress Konzen's neck again, and the attention soon settles Konzen down. Goku repeats his question, and after a moment, Konzen feels ready to try an explanation.

"Because… when I die… when I'm reborn… I will become Sanzo. I will become what he is… a murderer, a… killer. I will be born into his pain. I am afraid of that."

Goku feels saddened by this confession. He is sad for Sanzo and sad for Konzen, sad for all the pain that they share, and he isn't even sure how to offer comfort. In the end, he simply lets his heart speak for him.

"No. I don't think of Sanzo as a murderer. He's not just a cold-hearted killer. I'm not afraid of him."

"But you… you would say that. You love him. You love Sanzo."

"I love you, too, Konzen. I love you."

Konzen is quiet for a moment, concentrating on the feel of Goku's lips against the skin of his neck. Suddenly, he makes a decision, forcing open a damn of resistance and doubt with a flood of unconstrained longing and emotion. He whispers his request in a soft release of breath.

"Then… prove it to me. Show me. Teach me… Goku."

As Konzen begins to tremble in his arms, Goku understands his meaning, and what Konzen wants. So he does just that. Gently, slowly, he shows Konzen that he loves him, and teaches him just how much that means.

XXX

Goku awakens the nest morning to a blood-curdling scream of pure agony. Leaping awake, he nearly panics to see Konzen writhing in apparent pain, clutching at his chest so hard that his nails are digging into the flesh enough to draw blood. His face is contorted and streaked with tears, his body twitching uncontrollably as he alternates between screaming and struggling for breath. Goku is torn between staying and going for help, when the door bursts open, admitting Hakkai, Gojyo and the doctor.

Before they can even reach the bed, however, Konzen's fit has subsided, and he lies still, gasping desperately. The doctor begins checking him over, casting Goku a disapproving glance at the implications of their nakedness, and Hakkai stands by attentively. As this is taking place, Gojyo collects Goku's clothing, indicating for him to get dressed. Goku does so, all the while anxiously keeping a close watch on the doctor's progress.

After a few moments, the man proclaims Konzen to be free of any obvious physical condition, and pins the cause of the fit on emotional strain or possibly due to the insanity of which he had been informed that his patient suffers from. All he can do is cover Konzen snuggly in blankets and advise that he be left to rest. As the doctor leaves the room, shaking his head, Hakkai sends a thank you out with him, and then sinks into a chair at the bedside.

"Goku. Can you tell us anything else? Did something happen to trigger this?"

"N-n-no… no… I just… woke up to… s-s-scream…ing-ing."

Suddenly worried that perhaps Goku is on the verge of another breakdown, Hakkai signals his concern to Gojyo and begins to speak reassuringly.

"Goku. Sanzo's going to be fine. He's fine now, Goku."

Gojyo meanwhile takes up the task of rubbing Goku on the back to help calm him down. After he seems to be assured that Sanzo is really okay, they get him to swallow the sleeping tablets as a relaxant, and let him lie down to rest next to Sanzo.

Quietly, Hakkai indicates to Gojyo the fact that Sanzo's chakra has, oddly enough, again disappeared.

In a sudden disturbance of the room's quiet, Sanzo begins to laugh softly, and his eyes open wide. The laughter stops as abruptly as it began, and Sanzo calls out for Goku, turning his head until he is able to see him.

"Goku… Goku… I. Know. What. We have to do. Now. Oh, oh, my silly little monkey, are you afraid? Are you afraid of… the dark? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Monkeys aren't afraid of the dark. So why are we… always getting lost? When the sun… goes away? Goku?"

Goku sits up slowly, staring very carefully into a pair of amethyst eyes.

"Sanzo? Is that you, Sanzo? Is it really you?"

Sanzo nods his head, his face twitching every so often as his eyes fall out of focus.

"Goku. My… little… monkey. My monkey, mine. The little lost god is… all locked up, in here."

Sanzo points to his head, tapping it with his finger.

"All locked up… bad little god, bad Konzen. Monkey thief… stole my monkey. But… he can still join our game, because… we can't play without him. No, no, no. Bad little god, nasty thief, can still help us, right, Goku? Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes."

Sanzo laughs again for a moment, just a faint chuckle. All Goku can do, part overjoyed and part terrified, is just sit there and cry on the inside as he listens to his Sanzo's crazy, almost delerious words.

TO BE CONTINUED

Readers: What's your opinion on how I'm doing with my portrayal of sane Sanzo vs. insane Sanzo, as compared to sane Konzen vs. emotionally distraught Konzen? Am I managing to keep it all believable and clearly decipherable enough? By the way, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Chap. 21 will be ready sometime soon!