My Sun, My Supernova
Chapter 21
The Promise
Sanzo has returned, but apparently, his sanity has not.
He lies fitfully unaware and unresponsive, as if caught in a waking dream where Goku's presence does not even exist. To see him like this now, tossing his head and writhing restlessly upon the sheets, would almost be erotic, if it weren't so maddeningly frightening.
Stretched out naked and half exposed beneath a tangle of blanket, with his lips shaping unspoken words as he moans softly in distress, Sanzo almost appears feverish, except that he isn't running a temperature. No, this fever is of the mind alone.
Goku finds the sight as alluring as it is disturbing.
Goku's Sanzo...
Goku's beautiful, deranged, perfectly unholy Sanzo.
Sitting next to Sanzo as he watches over him, Goku fidgets nervously with the hem of his pant leg, his bare foot peeking out innocently. He licks his lips absently, love and lust, fear and worry all mingling together like a concoction of confusion. He can almost taste it, like sweet poison on his tongue.
Sanzo cries out suddenly, an exquisite expression of pain, his blank, exotic eyes staring up at the ceiling as if blind to reality. Goku blinks owlishly in the dim light, and shifts position to carefully straddle Sanzo's hips, gently capturing his agitated hands by the wrists. Sanzo makes no response, no sign of awareness of Goku's actions, his head thrown back in anguished grace. Goku takes the opportunity to lean in and lick the exposed throat, the tip of his tongue teasing over the pulse a little guiltily, stealing a forbidden taste of pure, undiluted sunlight.
Sanzo wears Goku's own scent and taste upon his skin, and Goku's heart aches because of it.
Sanzo, his Sanzo, says he does not want him. But he and Konzen had not hesitated to use his body for their own desire. Was it wrong? Is this wrong?
Goku presses his cheek against Sanzo's shoulder, closing his eyes softly. Sanzo finally relaxes beneath his gentle restraint, drifting at last into untroubled sleep. Goku sighs and lifts his head slowly, almost wearily, to gaze at the sleeping face. Languorously, he releases the slim wrists in his grasp, his hands instead moving to smooth back touseled blond hair with an almost reverent touch. He whispers Sanzo's name once, full of longing and loss, before giving up his position and moving to sit again at Sanzo's side to await his awakening.
XXX
When Sanzo opens his eyes, they are clear and focused, the false fever gone. When they turn Goku's way, and light upon his face, Goku smiles and offers a hushed greeting.
"Hey. You feeling better?"
Sanzo does not answer, mild confusion momentarily clouding his features with a slight pout. Goku can't help but find the look endearing, coming from Sanzo.
"Sanzo? I… I'm glad you're back. I missed you. I didn't even know if you were okay, so… I was worried."
Sanzo sighs deeply, closing his eyes, and whispers a response.
"Silly. I didn't ask for your concern."
"I know, but… I can't help it. Sanzo, is… is Konzen okay, too? He's still with you, right?"
At this, Sanzo re-opens his eyes, and they spark now with a wild light. He fixes that gleam on Goku with a harshness that matches his voice.
"Whose monkey are you, Goku? Hmm? Naughty monkey ran off with the bad, bad little god. He can't have you, but I… "
Abruptly, the harshness is replaced with a weaker, more hesitant sound, and the wicked gleam in his eyes fades to nothing but a dull sheen.
"But I don't... Maybe…I'm the one who's bad. Bad, bad, bad…"
Abruptly he thrashes his head from side to side, as if trying to clear the disturbance from his mind. Goku responds with quick determination, taking Sanzo's head in his hands in an attempt to still him. The action has the exact opposite effect, however. Sanzo rips and scratches at Goku's hands, and he does not stop even when he accidentally catches his own face with the violence of his hysteria. This only seems to increase his frenzy.
"No! Don't touch me! I told you not to touch me!"
Goku quickly withdraws his hands, feeling helpless as Sanzo presses his own palms over his eyes, calmer now, but still distressed.
"Goku… I'm trying to… but it's hard… to think clearly, anymore. I can't think. But I know… I know the rules now. Goku…I can't do it anymore, I'm no good, Goku, broken and useless. Sanzo is dead, dead, dead…"
"Sanzo, stop it, listen to me. You're not dead, so stop saying that."
"Goku, my monkey, my little monkey. Can't you see? You can't see, can you? Your eyes… you stared at the sun and it burnt you blind. I'll show you… show you the dark. West..."
"Sanzo, I can see. I see you."
A half laugh, half sob breaks from Sanzo's throat.
"It burns, Goku. It burns. My mind is on fire. Burning. Burning out. It hurts, Goku, it hurts. Soon, soon there'll be nothing left… but darkness."
Goku huddles on the bed, afraid, so afraid. He sneaks his hand towards Sanzo, clutching lightly at the blanket covering him, not daring to actually touch Sanzo directly for fear of setting him off again. He just sits like this miserably, listening to the sound of Sanzo breathing.
When the door opens and the doctor lets himself in, this is how he finds them. He pauses for a moment in the doorway, observing the two occupants of the room. Goku looks up dully, and when their eyes meet, the doctor squints in narrow-eyed distaste.Goku chooses to remain apathetic to the obvious dislike in that glance as the man approaches, addressing Sanzo in a friendly, professional manner.
"Well, well, I see you're awake. How do you feel now, young man?"
Sanzo deliberately ignores the intrusion, his hands still pressed against his face. Despite the lack of welcome, the doctor proceeds to perform the duties required of him.
"Now, I'm just going to check you over and make sure everything is okay. Your name is Sanzo, isn't it? Try to relax, Sanzo, all right? There's nothing to worry about."
Goku looks on apprehensively as the doctor uses a stethoscope to listen to Sanzo's heart. After a time, the doctor frowns slightly. He glances up at Sanzo, and the frown deepens when he notices the fresh scratch marks on his patient's cheeks. He glances at Goku in sharp accusation.
"Hmm… You should have called me if your... friend was having problems. He didn't have another fit, did he?"
"Umm… not like before. He just, didn't wanna be touched."
The doctor does not seem at all pleased with that answer, raising his bushy brows. As far as he is concerned, Goku has already touched his patient quite enough as it is. With a heavy sigh, he turns his full attention to Sanzo, speaking with a slow emphasis now as if addressing a child or a half-wit.
"Can you look at me, please? Let me see your eyes."
Sanzo's answer is a violent shake of the head.
"It's all right, I just need to see if you've hurt your eyes."
As he speaks, he attempts to manually remove Sanzo's hands himself, to which he gets a reaction he definitely wasn't prepared for. Sanzo screams and strikes out at him.
"No! Don't fucking touch me, don't… get the hell away from me!"
Goku manages to catch his wrists and prevent him from actually hitting the doctor, who, startled, quickly backs away from the bed.
"Well then… we'll just… leave it at that then shall we?"
Sanzo thrashes on the bed, screaming struggling against Goku's hold.
"No! Don't touch… don't… Stop! Let go! Don't touch me!"
Hakkai and Gojyo arrive, summoned by the noise. Gojyo wastes no time in moving to assist Goku in restraining Sanzo, helping to hold him still. Hakkai quickly assesses the situation.
"Doctor, a sedative would be much appreciated."
The man curtly nods his head and bustles from the room. He soon returns, holding a syringe in one hand as he rushes to the bedside.
"Hold his arm still."
Goku takes one look at the needle and nearly knocks it from the doctor's hand in alarm. He's never seen a syringe before, and it calls to mind the darts so recently used against them in yesterday's attack. A fierce, angry protectivness boils to the surface of his being. Nobody sticks sharp, pointy objects into his Sanzo and gets away with it.One hand shoots out and grasps the doctor's wrist tightly.The man looks into his eyes and stutters, choking on the sudden, unexpected rage staring back at him.
"Goku!"
Hakkai steps forward, urging Goku to comply.
"Goku, please. He wants to help Sanzo. The needle contains a sedative, something to calm him down. Don't you want to help Sanzo, Goku?"
Doubt and suspicion flicker in Goku's eyes, until he reluctantly releases the man.The abused doctor hisses in pain and grimaces as he rubs his bruised wrist. All the while, Sanzo continues to struggle, the hand Goku had released to fend of the threatening object now clawing away frantically at his captor's skin. Goku seems not to feel it, so intent is he on warily watching the doctor's position. Gojyo glances at Hakkai rather desperately, silently urging him to mediate the situation. Hakkai needs no prompting.
"Goku, please hold Sanzo's arm. Let the doctor help.He needs to give the needle before Sanzo hurts himself."
Goku nods, presses Sanzo's arm to the bed, and watches suspiciously as the doctor cautiously leans in to insert the needle. Goku winces when it breaks the skin, and holds his breath apprehensively as the sedative is injected into Sanzo's bloodstream. When finished, the doctor escapes from his close proximity to the apparently potentially dangerous occupants of the bed.
Soon, the drug begins to take effect, and Sanzo ceases to struggle. He looks Goku in the eyes imploringly as his body relaxes against his will, and in another moment he drops off completely, his head falling limply to the side.
The doctor breathes a sigh of relief and wipes his brow.
"Well, this is turning out to be quite the morning, isn't it? As to your friend's condition, I'm afraid I don't have much insight regarding his mental state, as that's really not my area of practice, but… Does he often have fits like this?"
Hakkai answers.
"No, I'm afraid this is a new development. What about his physical condition?"
"Well, his heart rate is still rather high, which does concern me somewhat, and he's apparently been scratching at his face as well, which the boy here neglected to bring to anyone's attention."
"I see. Thank you, doctor."
The doctor peers at Hakkai with more curiosity than concern in his eyes.
"Now, what are you young fellows planning to do? You say you're traveling, but surely it isn't wise to continue when your friend is in such a bad way."
"I'm afraid we have no choice, doctor."
"Well then, I can only wish you luck."
"Thank you."
XXX
When Sanzo comes to, Goku is still waiting at his side. Sanzo blinks and sleepily raises a hand to push back his hair. Still somewhat dazed from the lingering effects of the drug, his eyes are half-closed and on the verge of dropping shut again. Goku clears his throat softly to alert Sanzo to his presence before he speaks.
"Sanzo? How d'you feel?"
Sanzo seems confused, and he apparently has to consider Goku's question carefully before he can venture to give an answer.
"I don't know. Lousy. What happened? Did... something bad happen?"
"Well, you got a little upset."
"Did I? But I feel strange… heavy."
"The doctor gave you somethin'. To make you sleep."
"Oh."
"Sanzo? You look really tired. Maybe you should sleep some more."
Sanzo frowns and shakes his head a little.
"Sleep? I… Where are we, Goku? What doctor?"
"We're at a doctor's place to rest up. Konzen… Konzen was really freaked, and we needed a place to hide out."
"No. No, no. We can't stay here, Goku. West. We have to go… west."
"We will. But Hakkai said we'd wait until you were rested."
"No. I don't have time to wait. No time. My mind… on fire. Can't think. No time to rest. No time to stop."
Sanzo sits up, working his way to the edge of the bed. After a moment, he pushes himself up and walks slowly into the bathroom, bumping into the doorframe on the way. Almost unconsciously, Goku shifts his way into the abandoned place on the bed, so invitingly infused with Sanzo's body heat as it is.
At the sink, Sanzo splashes cold water on his face from the tap. But when he stops to run wet fingers through his hair, raising his eyes to his reflection in the mirror as he does so, something catches in his mind. He ends up just standing, staring into his own eyes for so long, that Goku, watching from the bed, begins to grow uneasy. Finally, he calls out to Sanzo, and when he gets no response, his unease slithers over into real worry.
He jumps out of bed and approaches the tiny bathroom, standing in the doorway. It almost looks as if Sanzo has fallen into another trance, leaning with his hands on the edge of the sink as he stares into the mirror.
"Sanzo?"
No answer, no movement. Nothing. Not even when Goku raises his voice. So Goku reaches out and puts a hand on Sanzo's shoulder, skin pleasantly warm beneath his touch. Sanzo jumps, and he forces his gaze away from the mirror with an effort of concentration in order to face Goku.
"Goku?"
He eyes dart rapidly from one of Goku's eyes to the other, never settling on either one, until his gaze wanders almost uncontrollably back towards the mirror. Before Sanzo has a chance to become transfixed again, however, Goku takes action, gently but firmly pulling Sanzo towards him. He ends up having to physically turn Sanzo's face away from the mirror, as well.
"Sanzo, look at me. Look at me. You're here with me. Right? Sanzo?"
Sanzo looks so confused, so lost in some other world, that it frightens Goku, and he needs to bring him back.
"Goku?"
"Yeah, it's me, your little monkey. Are you with me, Sanzo?"
"No. I'm… not… "
Sanzo closes his eyes tightly, knotting his brows together and twitching the corner of his lips in concentration. Goku letshis hand slip from Sanzo's face up to brush through his hair in a gentle caress. Sanzo takes adeep, shakybreath.
"I couldn't… find it. My soul. Am I… am I dead, Goku?"
Goku's heart twists painfully, for what seems like the millionth time since that fortuneteller came into their lives and left them with this curse.
Goku pulls Sanzo into his arms, strangling a sob in his throat as he presses his face against his chest.
"Goku, My silly, silly monkey, don't cry for me. I don't want your tears. You shouldn't… you shouldn't cry for the dead. A dead man doesn't need tears."
"Sanzo, you're not dead. Don't say it anymore. You're not dead, you're not."
Sanzo gently silences Goku by placing his fingers over the monkey's lips. He takes Goku's chin in his hand and tilts back his head.
"Shh…don't be sad for me."
A soft kiss descends upon Goku's trembling lips, and for a moment tears are forgotten as Goku just melts into it. But it comes to an unexpectedly sudden end when Sanzo goes tense, breaking the kiss as he pushes Goku away from him, backing himself against the wall.Various emotions play over his face, from concern and confusion, and perhaps even a touch of fear, to anger, before finally settling into a cold, hard mask of stone.
"Goku. I don't… need your tears. I thought I told you… I don't need you. Konzen's monkey."
A flash of pain ignites Sanzo's eyes, and the mask cracks a little. Then, it shatters, breaking apart completely as his face falls in agonized despair. He turns away, shoulders shaking, leaning over the sink with his hair hanging downi nto his eyes. Goku feels real tears threatening to fall, but forces them back. He must be strong for Sanzo's sake, as well as his own. He must not let himself get upset enough to fall into another mental lapse, or he won't be able to do anything for Sanzo at all.
"Sanzo, you gotta get dressed or you'll get cold."
Tentatively, not knowing if his help will be accepted, he picks up a towel and drapes it over Sanzo's naked shoulders. Then he turns and goes to fetch Sanzo's clothing from where it still lies discarded on the floor beside the bed.
The offered clothing is accepted without protest, Goku handing him each item piece by piece as Sanzo obediently puts them on, eyeing Goku warily as he does so. Goku doesn't like that suspicious look in Sanzo's eyes, but he does his best to ignore it. Once Sanzo is fully dressed, Goku decides his next mission is to get him out of the bathroom before he ends up getting lost in the mirror again.
"Sanzo,you hungry? I am. I'm really starving. Come on, let's go find Gojyo and Hakkai and make them feed us."
He holds out his hand to Sanzo, and is sorely disappointed, but not surprised, when Sanzo just stares at his hand as if it was a mortal enemy or a rabid slug. He lets his hand drop.
"Come on, Sanzo. The sooner we eat, the sooner we can get back on the road. West, remember?"
This, at least, gets a reaction from Sanzo.
"West. Yes, we have to go. Before it's too late."
But he makes no move to leave, just standing in place with an almost pleading look haunting his eyes.
"Sanzo, what's wrong?"
"Goku? Will you… will you help me?"
Goku's heart melts. He nods his head in a definitive confirmation.
"I'll never leave you, Sanzo. Not ever."
Sanzo visibly relaxes. His lips twitch briefly in a tiny, tiny ghost of a smile. He holds outone hand, and Goku grasps it without hesitation.
"Do you promise me, Goku? No matter how bad things get?"
Goku smiles.
"I promise. I'll never, ever leave you. No matter what."
"Not even if… if I tell you to go? Not even if I try to drive you away?"
Goku gives Sanzo's hand a light squeeze.
"Of course not. I'm still here now, aren't I?"
Sanzo blinks, wide-eyed, before dropping his gaze to the floor. Hesitantly, almost timidly, he raises his eyes to Goku's again.
"Not even if… not even if I… hurt you again?"
Right now, what Goku wants so badly to do is to reach out to Sanzo, to hold him and give him all the reassurance he seems to so desperately need, but he can't, because he doesn't know how well Sanzo will take it, if it would be accepted or if Sanzo would just end up pushing him away, or worse, going into hysterics again. So instead, he just gives his hand another squeeze, and offers his word with all the sincerity of his aching heart.
"I promise. No matter how dark it gets, we'll still have each other, always, and I'll never leave you. I'll always be your little monkey, and I'll always be at your side. I promise."
Sanzo sighs, long and deep, and closes his eyes, looking more at peace than he has in a long time. When again he looks at Goku, it is almost as if he has reached deep inside himself and managed to salvage some remnant of sanity, a fragment of his old self. There is a hard glint of determination in his eyes, but it has something of a wavering quality to it, a certain fragility that makes it appear as breakable as it is frighteningly desperate.
Sanzo is desperately trying to hold himself together, even as his mind is falling apart, and Goku can see that clearly now, vowing to himself that he will always be at Sanzo's side to pick up the pieces and glue him back together again. No matter what.
Sanzo pulls his hand away fromGoku. He takes another moment to pull himself together, and when he speaks, his voice is quiet and a little bit shaky, but full of new resolve. Even if that resolve seems somewhat weak and unsubstantial, at least it is there,and Goku is glad to hear it.
"Then let's go, little monkey. Go to the west."
TO BE CONTINUED