My Sun, My Supernova
Chapter 22
Burning
Hakkai and Gojyo can't help but gape a little when Sanzo and Goku emerge from the room. Sanzo just looks so… normal, determined and hard-set, with his head held up high. And Goku is, for the first time in quite a while, actually giving Sanzo some space. What's more, the little monkey's eyes are shining brightly with pride and hope.
"Hakkai, Gojyo! Quick, we need food energy! We're starving to death!"
After a rushed meal, throughout which Sanzo eats little and stresses the need to hurry, Hakkai offers Sanzo a glass of water and a tablet.
"Sanzo, please swallow this, and then we can get going."
Sanzo eyes the tablet expressionlessly, and then flicks his eyes up to Hakkai with a cold and suspicious glare.
"Request rejected."
This is undeniably and obviously a flat refusal on Sanzo's part, but Hakkai persists.
"Now, Sanzo, this is just a sedative. It'll only take a second to swallow, and it'll help you to relax."
Sanzo is twitching with irritation and frustration, struggling to keep himself in control.
"No. I won't have you treating me like a sick child."
"Sanzo, we'd rather you didn't have another outburst."
Sanzo has his eyes closed now as a wave of disgust and anger rises up and washes over the self-control he has managed to collect, threatening to wash it away.
"Sanzo?"
"I said no! I won't take any fucking pills!"
Sanzo lashes out, knocking the glass from Hakkai's hand, and it shatters on the floor. Sanzo turns away, shaking and covering his face with his hand, struggling to gather himself together so as not to follow the glass's example. When he feels Hakkai's hand on his shoulder, he shrugs it off and stands abruptly.
"I've had enough of this. Let's go. There's no time to waste here."
He stalks outside, Goku not far behind, and Hakkai and Gojyo are left staring wordlessly after them.
"Gojyo, go keep a watch on them, I'll finish up here."
Gojyo stirs himself and follows the path of the other two. Hakkai watches his departure, and then looks down at the broken glass sadly for a moment, before turning his attention to the doctor, using the gold card to pay for his services as well as a few bottles of the tablets.
XXX
Outside, Hakkai finds Sanzo and the others; the two smokers leaning against the wall while engaged in their perpetual habit, with Goku crouched down on the ground not far from where Sanzo is standing. All are quiet, which is a relief. Together, they set a fast pace on the walk out of town, and once clear of the populated streets, Hakuryu quickly transforms and they are ready to go.
As is the routine of late, Gojyo jumps automatically into the front seat, not thinking anything of it. Sanzo stops dead in his tracks, eyebrow twitching and his fists clenched. It feels as if Hakkai and Gojyo are trying to make him go even crazier than he already is. Sanzo decides that there is no way in hell that he is just going to let them get away with this kind of intolerable treatment and relent submissively as they seem to expect. He takes a deep breath and approaches the jeep, eyes locked on the offender. He wants to hit Gojyo, to put him in his place, but that won't go over very well in the present circumstances. Sanzo knows that his own behaviour is still on surveillance due to his previous actions.
Perhaps it's about time he works on changing that.
"Gojyo, get out of my seat. Now."
Gojyo looks up, startled. There is so much anger in Sanzo's eyes, anger that flickers and churns throughout a chaotic mess of confusion, anger that swims frantically in a sea of mad desperation and swirling emotions. Besides Sanzo's words, Gojyo is sure he can see another message written in the turbulence within Sanzo's eyes, and he reads it thus:
I don't know who the hell I am anymore or what my place is, so just get your ass out of my seat so I can at least pretend that I do.
And Gojyo is relieved. He is relieved to see that Sanzo is trying to come back to himself and regain some control in his life, and so Gojyo is more than happy to oblige and jump into the back with Goku, exchanging a brief, happy look with Hakkai as he does so.
Satisfied, Sanzo lights up a fresh cigarette and leans back in the seat as the jeep begins to move, trying to relax his nerves. It isn't long, though, before Gojyo has him twitching again.
"Hey, Sanzo. Pass the lighter back."
Gojyo has his hand extended, palm up, expecting Sanzo to comply. Sanzo eyes the hand for a moment, considering, and then makes up his mind.
"Hell, no. It's mine, so keep your grubby hands to yourself."
Sanzo clutches the lighter in question tightly as he waits for Gojyo's response.
"Ah, Sanzo. You can use it when you need to, but you can't keep it. Hand it over."
"I refuse. What do you think I'm going to do, burn myself, light myself on fire? I already have a fucking fire in my head, so why would I want to do that? I'm keeping the damn lighter, and that's final."
Hakkai intervenes.
"Gojyo, let him keep it for today, if he wants."
Gojyo withdraws his hand somewhat uneasily, but when Hakkai catches his eye through the rear view mirror, Hakkai is obviously pleased. This makes Gojyo reconsider the situation, and in a moment, he smiles. Yes, Hakkai is right. Perhaps the old Sanzo is beginning to return to them, and they should give him a chance to prove it.
XXX
"Hey, Goku. For the hundredth time, stop squishing me and get over to your side of the seat, dumb monkey."
Goku is starting to seriously get on Gojyo's nerves.
"But… then trade seats with me, Gojyo!"
"Why should I, huh? What's so great about this seat?"
"Umm…"
Gojyo watches as Goku glances at Sanzo, his golden eyes lingering on him with a kind of urgent need. Ah, so Goku wants to get closer to Sanzo, and Gojyo's seat is right behind Sanzo's. Gojyo smirks. The temptation to tease Goku is strong, especially considering how close the monk and his monkey have become lately. Damn, the two are even sleeping together now, as in intimately, and if that's not a reason to tease the hell out of Goku, then nothing is!
"Oh, so that's it. You want to sit here so you can snuggle up to Sanzo's seat. You two are such little lovebirds these days; I guess you just can't stand to be parted from one another this long, eh? That's so sweet."
Goku cringes a little, caught red-handed in his intentions. It's true that his need to be close to Sanzo is so strong, that it has become an undeniable weakness, especially since he tends to suffer serious side effects when that contact is withheld from him. From the front seat, Sanzo growls and punches a fist against the dash, earning a sharp "Kyuu!" of complaint from the dragon. He stands, whirling to face the back. Alarmed, Hakkai slowly brings the jeep to a halt, not wanting Sanzo to fall out of the moving vehicle. Sanzo is yelling, hands clutching the back of the seat in a white-knuckled grip.
"Shut up! Just shut up, all of you! I don't need that monkey, do you hear me? I didn't ask for any of this, and I don't need your stupid pills or doctors or… rules of conduct. I'm supposed to be in control, I'm supposed to be leading this mission, not… not being led around on a leash by a bunch of idiot demons. I may have lost my fucking mind somewhere along the way, and my soul is either lost or fucked up so bad that I can't even find it anymore, and I may be as good as dead, but I am not weak, and I am not giving up! I'm… I don't know who I am, but I will be strong, and you bunch of idiots will not take that away from me, do you hear?"
Sanzo glares at each of his companions in turn, scalding them with the raging fire that burns behind his eyes. In his struggle to keep himself in check and not go totally haywire, he is shaking uncontrollably and breathing hard, his fingers digging into the seat. Feeling a little faint, he sinks down onto his knees in the chair.
"Hakkai, do you hear me? I don't need you treating me like some kind of an invalid. I just need you to drive the goddamned jeep. Do you think you can you manage that?"
"Yes, Sanzo, but…"
"Shut up! I don't want to hear it. And Gojyo. I don't need you treating me like some juvenile delinquent. You're not my fucking parole officer, so mind your own damn business. I know I was messed up before, what I did, but… just go shove your own lighter up your ass and leave me out of your control shit. And before you say anything else, just shut up!"
Everyone is silent as Sanzo takes a moment to breath, and then raises his eyes to Goku.
"Goku. You. You I especially do not need. I do not need you drowning me in your pathetic tears, or suffocating me with your constant attention. Do you hear me? I don't need you. Hmph. Devoted little monkey my ass. Guess you'll just have to wait for your little god to come crawling back and get what you need from him."
"But… Sanzo, you're the one who… I need you!"
"Shut up! Stop your whining, clingy little monkey. I don't want to hear it. If you want to help me, then just be there at the end. Help me win this thing."
"I already promised I would."
"Promise? Since when did any of us ever promise each other anything?"
"But…"
"Shut up. My head's going to explode if you don't just shut up. Brains all over the jeep, blood and brains and fire. Shit, shit, shit it burns."
Sanzo slips out of the jeep, hands over his ears, and starts walking off, muttering to himself.
"Burns, burns, burns, my mind on fire…"
Goku leans forward, gritting his teeth and resisting the urge to run to Sanzo's side. Gojyo whispers to Hakkai.
"Umm, Hakkai… any bright ideas?"
He and Goku watch as Hakkai grinds up one of the tablets and dissolves it in a cup of water. During this time, Sanzo has been getting progressively more agitated, eventually falling to his knees and clutching his head in apparent pain. Holding out the cup, Hakkai calls to him.
"Sanzo! Sanzo! Have some water. If you drink some it might put out the fire!"
Sanzo looks up, shaking his head doubtfully.
"No, no, it's too bright."
"Gojyo, bring it to him."
"Hey, why do I have to go?"
"Because he's sick of Goku and I tending to him. Don't worry, he doesn't have his gun on him, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah."
Gojyo grabs the cup and approaches Sanzo, kneeling down next to him.
"Sanzo, your water."
Sanzo looks at Gojyo intently, seemingly fixated on studying his hair and eyes. Slowly he reaches out with one hand and catches Gojyo's hair with his fingers.
"Fire is red. It burns."
"Yeah, no kidding. Drink this, it'll put the fire out."
"Why should I believe you? You're a water sprite, and yet you still burn."
"Ah, but that's what makes me so special. My secret recipe, fire and water. Don't go spilling my secret to the world now, Sanzo. It's just between me and you."
Gojyo winks, and Sanzo grabs the cup roughly with his free hand, the one not currently caught in Gojyo's hair. Gojyo is forced to reach out and steady the cup in Sanzo's shaking hand.
"Careful, don't spill this either."
Quickly, desperately, Sanzo guzzles down the water, and then throws down the cup with a curse.
"Shit! It didn't work, you lying bastard! I should have known not to trust a burning water sprite."
"It will work. Just give it a chance, Sanzo. And could you stop pulling my hair?"
Sanzo releases his hold on Gojyo's hair and sinks down, sprawling out bonelessly on the ground next to Gojyo. As time passes, he gradually begins to feel calmer.
Watching intently, Goku yells out to them, wanting Sanzo back in the jeep and suddenly feeling a little jealous of Gojyo and Sanzo's interaction, however brief and insignificant it may be. Sanzo is his, and his alone.
"Sanzo! West! We have to go west, remember? Hurry! There's no time!"
Sanzo murmurs an agreement, something about noisy monkeys calling him west, and starts to push himself to his feet. Gojyo grabs his arm and hauls him the rest of the way up. Annoyed, Sanzo brushes him off.
"Don't touch me. I don't like it. But… "
He studies Gojyo again curiously out of the corner of his eye.
"But what, Sanzo?"
"I like your water. Nice water."
Gojyo laughs.
"Hey, thanks, man. Anytime you need to chill out, just let me know, and the water's all yours."
"That's… cool."
Gojyo grins again at Sanzo's response. Drugging Sanzo is kind of fun. Maybe they should have started feeding Sanzo sedatives a long time ago, they could have saved a lot of poor, innocent restaurant walls from bullet wounds along the way.
XXX
At the end of the day, they stop to camp out for the night. Hakkai and Gojyo talk quietly as they gather firewood, observing Sanzo and Goku from a distance. Sanzo is sitting on a log, just quietly smoking as he stares into the fire, and Goku is seated on the ground across the fire from him, watching him intently. Gojyo snickers.
"In a way it's almost like Goku is stalking Sanzo. The monkey's obsessed. How healthy is that?"
"Hmm… I just hope he doesn't blank out on us again. It seems to happen when he gets upset over Sanzo."
"I'm not surprised Sanzo's starting to get sick of the attention. Goku can be very annoying at times, and he was practically hanging onto Sanzo 24/7. Hey, do you think… "
"What?"
"Sanzo was really out of it last night after the attack, like completely traumatized. Do you suppose Goku might have taken advantage of the situation as an opportunity to get even closer to Sanzo? They were both naked the next morning, and seriously, I just can't see Sanzo willingly letting the monkey into his pants."
"I don't think Goku would ever do anything against Sanzo, Gojyo. They've been physically closer ever since we found them on the road that day. Keep in mind, also, that Sanzo isn't exactly himself right now. He does all kinds of things he wouldn't normally do."
"True. But still… the whole thing's just weird and it makes me wonder, you know? Sanzo's nuts, but Goku doesn't have that excuse, and he's acting creepy, if you ask me."
"He cares about Sanzo and he's worried. He wants to look after him and keep him safe. Is that really so creepy?"
"Okay, I'll admit you've got a point. Maybe I'm just a little creeped out about the whole Sanzo and Goku thing, you know?"
Hakkai laughs softly.
"Gojyo, I hardly think this topic is at the top of our list of things to worry about. On a more serious note, I'm concerned about the next attack. It could come at any time, and Sanzo is at a serious disadvantage unarmed."
"I wouldn't feel very safe about giving him back his gun right now. I've had some close calls with that thing even when Sanzo was sane, for crying out loud."
"I have to agree with you. He's still far too unstable to be trusted with a firearm. But… you know he hasn't once asked for it back, either. I take that as a sign that part of him knows he isn't ready, and he doesn't want to end up hurting us. I actually feel optimistic about the lighter, though. I think he needs to have a little bit of control back in his life. There was that incident today with him scratching himself, but… his attitude… that almost evil attitude is gone now. He killed those people in the temple, but ever since he shot himself, I think he's been improving."
"Yeah. Hey, maybe we should try talking to him, or something. Psychotherapy, you know? Preferably without Goku getting in the way and hanging onto every word."
"I doubt Sanzo would be very cooperative, but it doesn't hurt to try."
"Ha, now that's a scary thought, us playing shrink."
"Yes, the idea is rather bizarre, isn't it?"
"But it's funny, too, like a sick joke, or something. Hey, maybe we can get Sanzo to laugh his way back to good mental health."
"Sanzo doesn't laugh. He'll probably just glare us to death."
"Damn monk, he just had to go getting all insane on us, as if he wasn't already crazy enough before."
XXX
When Hakkai and Gojyo return to the campfire, Goku and Sanzo are still sitting quietly. Hakkai addresses Goku cheerfully.
"Goku, we couldn't find much firewood over that way, would you go look around somewhere else for us?
"But… why do I hafta do it? I wanna stay here, with..."
"Goku, please don't be stubborn. It's a simple task, and a simple request. We can't cook without a good fire, and we don't have very much wood yet. The fire won't last."
Goku makes no move to get up, and finally, it is Sanzo who kicks him into gear.
"Goku, Goku. I thought monkeys like playing in the trees. So stop being such a baby and just do it. You're embarrassing yourself. Find something else to do besides stare at me all night, silly monkey. It's annoying the hell out of me."
Goku gets up and sulks off into the bush, and when he is a reasonable distance away, Sanzo speaks again.
"So, what are you two sneaky little foxes up to? I'm all ears, so out with it."
Gojyo chuckles.
"Oh, suspicious, aren't you? I was just wondering how you were doing with that lighter?"
"Fuck off."
"I'll take that as a, 'Fine, thank you so much for asking, Gojyo.'"
Sanzo snorts and lies down, stretching himself out along the length of the log.
"Whatever. Leave me alone if you don't have anything to say."
"Actually, Sanzo."
"Spit it out, Hakkai. Like I said, I'm listening."
"Actually, we were wondering about your mental state. You seem to be improving. What do you think about that?"
"I can't think at all, not with this hellfire burning in my head.Soon, there won't be anything left. Does that sound like improvement to you?"
"You don't feel that you're getting better at all? Excuse me for being blunt, but you haven't tried to hurt anyone. Isn't that a good thing?"
A deep humming sound starts in Sanzo's throat, a frown forming on his face as he closes his eyes tightly.
"Sanzo?"
Sanzo is starting to look decidedly uncomfortable, turning his head from one side to the other and clawing lightly at the bark of the tree trunk, the humming gradually increasing in volume, until, abruptly, the sound stops. Sanzo continues to dig at the bark, growing more insistent, as though he is able to draw some kind of comfort from the repetitive action.
"Sanzo, please be still, you'll only end up hurting your hands. I'm sorry if we've upset you. Sanzo?"
Slowly, Sanzo opens his eyes. They are dark and hollow as he turns them on his two friends.
"What does… what does darkness feel like? Does it hurt? Maybe it won't be so bad, in the end. Just have to get there, before it's too late. West, west, west, into the dark."
Silence floods the night again, tense and charged with an ominous feel. Gojyo breaks it suddenly, using an exaggerated tone of voice, as if he were telling a horror story to a group of kids.
"Beware, for we travel into darkness, into danger, into the west. Genjo Sanzo, Cho Hakkai, Sha Gojyo and Son Goku. Will we survive? Only time will tell."
Sanzo starts to laugh, then, and by the sound of it, it is born more of actual amusement than insanity. Watching him, Gojyo and Hakkai can't help but smile, as well. When the laughter dies down, the silence that is left is a more comfortable one, filled with quiet companionship and trust. Gojyo lights a cigarette, and soon after Sanzo does as well. No one notices the pair of golden eyes glinting in the dark, as Goku watches them intently with suspicion and jealous anger.
"So, when do I get my gun back? Or are you bastards having too much fun watching my helpless ass rot uselessly? Huh. I hope Konzen didn't do anything too embarrassing with my body. That twisted creep. He's only good for one thing. And that does not include stealing my monkey."
Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a look. So Sanzo does want his weapon back, after all. Gojyo clears his throat.
"So, Sanzo. You're not thinking of… shooting us, are you? Or suicide, or anything? You do want to make it to India first, right? You're not thinking of extinguishing that fire in your head with the help of a little bullet?"
Sanzo chuckles, amused again. He points a finger at the side of his head in an imitation of a gun.
"Bang."
Gojyo smiles grimly.
"Ah, I hate to break it to you Sanzo, but joking around like that isn't likely to get you your gun back any sooner. You were joking, right? You don't actually wanna…"
"Fuck, no. I'm already dead. Anyway, I have a job to do first. West, west, west."
Hakkai tosses another stick into the fire.
"We will consider your request Sanzo. But you do understand our concerns."
"Mmm. Just don't keep me in suspense too long. I feel like a worthless piece of shit right now. It would help if I could at least blow the brains out of the next demon assassin we meet. Anger management therapy, or something. Maybe... I could think again."
Sanzo hisses as if in pain, and smacks his head down hard against the trunk beneath him.
"Hey, Sanzo."
"Spit it out, Gojyo."
"Do you want some more of my special water? To put the fire out?"
"No. Leave me alone."
"Are you sure? Doesn't the fire hurt? My water will cool you down. Want some?"
"No. Yes. Maybe."
"Is that a yes?"
"Mmm. Whatever."
"Great. I'll go get it. Back in a jiff."
Gojyo stands, whistling a tune as he heads to the jeep, but…
A sudden, urgent shout from Goku shatters the hard-earned good cheer that this night has won.
"Sanzo! We're under attack!"
TO BE CONTINUED