My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 23

Monkey Play

Once, a shining sun found a creature crying in the dark. The sun plucked the creature from the darkness and bathed it in light, and it was so very bright, yet somehow also devoid of warmth. The creature soaked it in regardless of the temperature, and even now, to this day, he still does not care about the cold. Under the intense rays of the sun, within the unwelcoming embrace of its frigid radiance, the creature thrives, and devotion blooms.

But one day, the light changes.

Now, it no longer shines clearly and predictably, but is instead filtered through a screen of darkness, and it burns. Oh, how it burns. Yet the creature is not aware of it. In his molten eyes, the sun is as brilliant as ever it was, and he remains faithfully devoted, as ever he was.

Forced to struggle on through black shadows, the creature is deeply injured, burnt clear through to the soul. Now, the only thing holding him together is a damaged and tormented sun, a sun that has eagerly taken from him and hurt him and yet never once thanked him for his love, even though it knows it had been wrong. A sun that turns its shining face away from him and tells him it does not need him, does not want him. Yet the creature's devotion remains strong, his longing for the light still intact, and it becomes a raging inferno in his heart. It rages, and as it does so, it changes.

Devotion becomes obsession.

XXX

"Sanzo! We're under attack!"

Goku's cry of warning cuts through the air, and instantly, Gojyo and Hakkai are on alert. As quickly as Hakkai is on his feet, Gojyo's weapon is in his hand, and in a split-second's notice they are ready to fight, ready to kill and ready to defend, whatever they may be up against.

Sanzo's reaction to the sudden threat is more delayed, less interested. His perceptions, distorted by insanity as they have become, do not register any danger. He simply sits up casually, distracted by the carcinogenic smoke drifting away from the cigarette held between his fingers, watching it curl up into the night sky to mingle with the more aromatic smoke of the wood fire. Vaguely, he wonders why there isn't also a plume of smoke spewing from his ears, and this thought troubles him. Frowning, he tilts his head to one side and slaps the opposite ear with his palm, hoping to unblock the smoke and perhaps clear his head.

The sudden, serious quiet that has descended upon them since Goku's shout remains unbroken, except for the crackling of the campfire. Sanzo swings his leg over the log to sit facing in the direction that Goku's voice had come from. As the soles of his bare feet press lightly against the cool grass, something catches his attention, and he stares out into the night, heedless of the smoke stinging his eyes. His gaze comes to rest on a set of inhuman eyes that shine eerily in the dark, like those of some wild animal hesitant about approaching the fire.

These are Goku's eyes, watching him from the shadows.

Catching his breath, both fascinated and all at once hyper-aware, Sanzo tosses his cigarette carelessly into the fire and licks his lips. Goku is up to something, a game of some sort, and Sanzo is intrigued. He leans forward intently, wordlessly whispering Goku's name in a silent plea, although what he is asking for he does not know. Suddenly, the glowing eyes blink out, vanishing into the dark. Disappointed and a little anxious, an interesting thought sparks to life in Sanzo's mind as he digs his twitching fingers into the bark.

His monkey wants to play.

XXX

Hakkai and Gojyo are on edge and listening intently, all senses tuned to pick up the slightest disturbance. After a moment, Gojyo's voice emits, by the sound of it rather impatient and annoyed,

"Goku? Where are they?"

Hakkai slowly swivels his head, carefully scanning the perimeter of the small clearing, and, as he does so, Goku's voice calls out again, high pitched and slicing through the shadows.

"Over here! I didn't even see them coming at all! They… they say they just want to talk to Sanzo. I… Hakkai… you can't let them…

Something crashes in the bushes, followed by a loud crack.

Ow! Shit! Hakkai, Gojyo!"

"Goku!"

There is a simultaneous shout from both Hakkai and Gojyo before each concentrate on the position of Goku's voice, homing in on the location. What could possibly have surprised Goku so totally? What in all hell are they up against? Gojyo catches Hakkai's eye and gestures in Sanzo's direction. Following this brief and wordless exchange, Hakkai nods almost imperceptivity, and Gojyo's responds with a slight tensing of the muscles around his eyes and mouth. For better or for worse, the decision has been made.

"Hey, blondie. Here's your chance. Make us proud."

With these words, Gojyo tosses Sanzo his gun.

XXX

Faced as they are now with an uncertain and potentially very dangerous adversary, Sanzo needs all the protection he can get. Even if giving him his gun puts Hakkai and Gojyo at risk of becoming targets themselves, then that is simply a necessary gamble. They will not endanger Sanzo just to save themselves from additional danger, and if he turns against them now, then so be it. They'll just have to watch their backs. However, judgment tells them that they are most likely beyond the point of having to worry about Sanzo turning the gun on them, or on himself.

Most likely.

As for Sanzo, he doesn't pause to consider why the gun is being returned to him now.As soon as the familiar object lands in his possession, he wraps his hands longingly and possessively around its metallic shape, thrilled by the contact so long forbidden to him. This weapon has over time become, after all, almost like a part of him, and being able to hold it now serves to fill one of the many empty spaces inside his heart. This reunion with a lifeless piece of steel is a moment of comfort and triumph.

As a result, Sanzo is not paying any attention to Hakkai at all, so entranced is he by the weapon beneath his fingers. For the moment, he has even forgotten that Goku has invited him to play his mysterious game. So he does not notice Hakkai remove his headband. Beneath the strip of cloth, the green-eyed man still sports the fake chakra, meticulously kept in place just in case it is needed. It is only when Hakkai's voice rings out clearly into the night, filtering through the trees and into the impenetrable darkness beyond, that Sanzo freezes at the words that strike him like instant frostbite.

"I am Genjo Sanzo. Show yourselves. I do not conduct business with shadows."

Sanzo's almost feverish mood of excitement snaps immediately in the sub-zero temperature of the cold front that suddenly hits him smack in the face.

XXX

Hakkai says he is Genjo Sanzo?

Sanzo blinks in disbelief, the icy wave passing over and leaving numb shock in its wake.

Hakkai is Sanzo?

Disbelief quickly crosses over into confusion, and a virtual explosion of fireworks comes to sudden, vicious life in his head, causing him to wince from illusory, non-existent pain.

How can Hakkai be Sanzo? Hakkai cannot be Sanzo, because Genjo Sanzo does not exist.

Confusion darkens and spreads, rapidly becoming suspicion and doubt.

Why is Hakkai saying this? Why?

Finally, suspicion hovers precariously on the brink of anger.

How dare Hakkai say that? How dare he.

The distinctive click is very loud as Sanzo cocks the gun. The sound pleases him like nothing else, and it instills a dose of confidence to his trembling hands. Forced to flinch every time the fire assaults his senses in an internal attack of mental chaos, he clutches the gun tightly as an anchor to reality, and anchor that has been pitched overboard in blind desperation, and which has landed in the heart as a result, instead of in the ground. It is dragging him under, even as he struggles to make it keep him afloat. Shaking, he braces his feet up against the log, struggling to aim and focus on his target, which just so happens to be the back of Hakkai's head.

Sanzo's thoughts are racing and exploding, turning in on themselves in a mess of distorted agitation,

'Hakkai is not Sanzo. Sanzo is dead. Hakkai is trying to confuse me. There is no more Genjo Sanzo, because he has failed. Bad, bad Sanzo. He must be punished. Punished. Yes.'

'Take away his mind.'

'Yes!'

'Take away his life.'

'Yes!'

' His soul?'

'Oh, Yes, that too. Especially that.'

'Take away his gun, his scripture, take away his name.'

'Take away his monkey?'

'NO!'

'No, not him, not Goku, not my monkey. No one can take him away.'

'But you can't keep him.'

'Then I will send him away myself.'

'But… Hakkai is not Sanzo, and he cannot have any of those things. Hakkai is not Sanzo. Hakkai cannot be Genjo Sanzo.'

'Make it stop. Make Hakkai stop.'

Hakkai and Gojyo glance at Sanzo when they hear the gun being readied, and Gojyo mutters a curse. Sanzo responds with a short, sharp laugh. He can barely breath and he can barley think, but he can hold a gun, and he remembers how to use it. Oh, yes, he remembers. And his Goku is out there, out there among the trees in the dark, hiding, playing, and he swears he can hear the monkey, silently laughing along with him in his head. Is this fun? Is this a game? Confused, Sanzo asks it aloud,

"Hakkai, is this… a game? Is Goku…is he playing with us? But… he didn't tell us the rules. Silly monkey didn't tell us the rules. Now it's too late. I have to make my own rules."

Gojyo sucks in his breath and practically hisses at Sanzo,

"Hey. You need to save those bullets for the enemy."

Sanzo only looks more confused, blinking with uncertainty behind the security of the loaded gun as he wonders aloud,

"Enemy?"

Hakkai shifts his stance slightly, cocking his head in thought, as he considers Sanzo's words. Somehow, they seem to hold some hidden significance.

"What do you mean… is Goku playing with us?"

Seeming to catch some of the drift of Hakkai's concern, Gojyo lets out a breath and grits his teeth, adjusting his grip on the weapon in his hands. The tension builds as the silence stretches on. As if to break this agonizing silence, Sanzo begins to hum, the sound droning softly from his throat upon each exhale of breath. Tensing his legs, he pushes back against the log until his muscles begin to tremble and ache. He interrupts his wordless chant to whisper an uneasy complaint,

"I don't… like this game."

"Then end it."

Goku's voice again.

Hakkai, although he is beginning to suspect he already knows the answer, calls out into the dark,

"Goku. Where is the enemy?"

Goku snickers darkly; a sound that immediately puts Hakkai on alert,

"The enemy? You want to know where the enemy is? Maybe… Maybe it's you."

With these words, Goku steps out of the shadows, into the light of the fire.

XXX

There is nothing different about Goku's appearance now. But yet something has changed. His face and body are set with hard anger, and something else as well. There is a need in his eyes, a hunger, like a beast deprived of the basic necessities of survival.

Hakkai utters Goku's name softly even as another curse slips from Gojyo's tongue. Sanzo gasps sharply, muscles finally giving out. He slips from his perch on the log and crumples to his knees on the ground, the gun falling from his grasp. In Sanzo's eyes Goku is…

Ferocious, demanding, all claws and fangs.

In his eyes, Goku has become…

Wild, savage, dangerous.

A beast.

Recent memories flash through Sanzo's mind, twisted memories made more distorted still by his confusion and mental unrest. Memories of a time spent running mad with something purely demonic, unleashed by his very own hand. Memories of a dark time filled with horror and blood and physical hurt, a time that had seemed perfect but which now lives on in his mind only as a nightmare.

Now, despite himself, despite the sudden dread and terror that seize his heart and make it pound violently in his chest, Sanzo is overcome also with a delicious shiver of anticipation and a strange, deep and forbidden longing. For within the depths of that terrible dream come true, he had obtained something wonderful, something elusive. He had found it and he had lived it, even if, ultimately, it had been wrong. Even though he had wound up injecting a bullet through his own heart just to make it stop. Even if in the end, it had proved to be impossible to keep.

However tainted it may have been, he had found peace.

Looking at Goku now, Sanzo's breath strangles in his throat, and he feels as if his heart will stop. For, in his eyes, Goku is that monster once again, and he has returned to play one more wicked game.

Calmly, so very calmly that it even manages to reach through to Sanzo and bring him back to reality a little, Hakkai poses a question.

"So, Goku. What are the rules of this game?"

TO BE CONTINUED