My Sun, My Supernova
Chapter 24
Devotion Gone Mad
Firelight dances in the dark, illuminating and casting shadows upon the faces of four figures. There are shadows gathering in the hearts of these four as well, for Goku stands apart from the other three, his fists clenched, raw anger radiating from him in undeniable waves. Hakkai and Gojyo know; this anger is directed at them.
But this is so wrong, because this is Goku, the fun-loving monkey boy, yet the two are forced to face him now asa threat. Across the fire, Sanzo stares transfixed, spooked by a hallucination that seems all too real, a vision that masks Goku in his demon form. Sanzo is aware that Hakkai is speaking to the demon that is Goku, and the sound of the soothing voice penetrates through his fear and somewhat eases his mind.
"Every game has rules, Goku. Rules maintain order and ensure fair play. You have to let us know what they are before you can expect us to play with you."
Goku frowns as if Hakkai has just made a statement worthy of a death sentence. His answer is hard and vehement yet there is a slight waver in his voice.
"I… don't care about rules."
Hakkai does not miss the note of doubt, and he latches onto that uncertainty, patiently working to diffuse Goku's unchecked emotions.
"Then it's no good continuing like this, is it? Come sit by the fire, and we'll have something good to eat."
A flash of renewed anger flickers in Goku's eyes.
"No."
"Very well, Goku. If you won't tell us the rules, then at least tell us the point of the game. What are you trying to win by playing?"
Goku's gaze shifts towards Sanzo. When their eyes meet, Sanzo shrinks back a little, as if to escape.
"That's easy. I want Sanzo."
"Goku, Sanzo's not a prize to be won."
"But… I want him. And you… you stole him."
Goku turns his eyes sharply upon Gojyo.
"You stole Sanzo away from me."
Gojyo laughs lightly.
"Hey, relax Goku. There's no way in hell I would want to steal Sanzo. He's too…"
"Shut up! Sanzo's mine. You're trying to take him away from me."
Hakkai turns to Sanzo and is relieved to see that the gun is no longer in his hand.
"Sanzo? What do you say, are we trying to take you away from Goku?"
Sanzo's eyes widen in surprise. Everyone is looking at him, awaiting an answer, but the question pierces his brain, and he can't think. All he can do is keep staring back at Goku, unable to free himself from that strangle hold of gold as it brands him and seems to claim him as its own. Finally, in an exercise of self-control, he forces a small, choked cry from a throat gone desert dry, and with a vigorous shake of the head, manages to break the eye contact. In an effort to regain his composure, he slowly reaches for his cigarettes and lights up with a trembling hand, burning his fingers in the process. One deep inhalation, and he raises his head in his best show of defiance, releasing a stream of smoke from between his lips. He narrows his eyes at Goku, his voice breathy, the words spoken between sharp intakes of air.
"Naughty monkey. Sneaky, tricky, naughty little monkey. I don't want to play with you."
Goku's face contorts for a second, an expression to match his twisted emotions. He growls in frustration, his answer a burst of frustrated fury.
"This isn't a game! This is serious!"
"Monkeys aren't meant to be serious, Goku. They're only meant to play and have fun. But I don't want to play with you. Are you a monkey, or a monster? I don't want to play with a monster."
"S-Sanzo?"
Sanzo nods solemnly,
"Oh, yes, yes, Goku. It's time to end this. We don't have time for silly monkey games. We have to go west, and play a real game. I'll teach you the rules, and we'll play together. Yes, Goku? Will you come play with us, my little monkey?"
"But… but what if… what if I don't want to?"
Sanzo regards Goku intently for a moment, sorting through his thoughts and desperately trying to see his Goku inside that monster looking back at him. Finally, he seems to come to a conclusion, and smiles wickedly, raising himself up into a feral crouch.
"Then you're a monster. Bad, bad little monster. Won't follow the rules. Needs to be punished."
Goku gasps, shouting out in anguish.
"No! Sanzo, I will follow. I already promised! Remember, Sanzo? Sanzo?"
The illusion dissipates, and Sanzo no longer sees Goku as a demon, but as a boy once again. But something is terribly wrong, for his eyes have not changed. They are still a demon's eyes, devious and wild, dangerous and cruel.
Hakkai and Gojyo are beginning to relax just a little, apparently relieved and under the assumption that Goku is beginning to come to his senses, but Sanzo can only stare in disbelief. How can they not see it? How can they not see the monster in Goku's eyes?
Goku stops pouting suddenly, and his expression changes as if he has just remembered something extremely serious and important. His eyes dart in Hakkai's direction, and then back at Sanzo. He smiles with a strangely malicious twitch of the lips, and speaks softly.
"But there's only one Genjo Sanzo, right? So, who's the trickster here, then? Who's the sneaky, naughty one? Who's playing the bad game? Who needs to be punished? Look, Sanzo, look!"
Goku points an accusing finger at Hakkai, and Sanzo turns his head to see.
The chakra.
Hakkai said he is Genjo Sanzo, and wears the sacred chakra upon his brow as proof. But that is wrong. Hakkai is lying. Hakkai is being a bad, bad boy.
XXX
Unexpectedly, Sanzo reaches for the gun again, and Gojyo and Hakkai freeze. The two of them now find themselves caught between Sanzo with his gun and his confusion on one side, and Goku's anger on the other. They are trapped in a twisted game that has no name, no rules and makes no kind of sense. The only thing that is certain is that Goku is trying to turn Sanzo against them, and that it seems to be working.
Sanzo holds the gun now as if he were doing so for the very first time, his hands shaking and hesitant. He hisses at Hakkai.
"You are not Genjo Sanzo."
Quickly, Hakkai dons the headband, hiding the offending mark from view. But it is already too late. His transgression has not gone unnoticed, cannot be erased, and will not be forgiven.
"Imposter. Thief. Give me the scripture."
Gojyo shifts ever so slightly, and Goku's head whirls in his direction, eyes narrowed ferociously. Gojyo clenches his teeth, swallowing a curse. Goku is making his intentions clear. He intends to keep Gojyo from interfering in whatever plan he has in mind. But surely, Goku doesn't actually want Sanzo to shoot Hakkai? That's insane. Insane.
The glass lens of Hakkai's monocle reflects the firelight, rendering that eye invisible. The other is held steady on Sanzo, serious and calm.
"Sanzo, think about what you're doing. I'm your friend, Hakkai, not Genjo Sanzo. I'm not trying to replace you or steal from you. Do you want to shoot me? Do you really want to do that, Sanzo?"
"Shut up. Bad, bad… trying to confuse me. The monkey… the monster…it knows. Give it to me, the scripture. You can't have it, you have no right to keep it."
"Sanzo, listen to me. Do you think the scripture is really safe in your possession? Have you forgotten what happened the last time you had it? Or don't you care? Perhaps you are the bad one, Genjo Sanzo."
Sanzo reacts to Hakkai's accusation as if the words cause him actual physical pain, wincing and bringing one hand up to press tightly against his ear.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up! Give it to me, the Maten Scripture! Sanzo can't have it. It's for him, now. Konzen. Only Konzen. You can't keep it."
Hakkai just shakes his head.
"Sanzo, there is no Konzen, and I haven't stolen the scripture from you. I'm only holding it for you until you get well. Then you can have it back. But until then…"
Suddenly, Goku's laughter cuts Hakkai short.
"Sanzo, don't listen to him. Don't you see? He's trying to confuse you. He's tricking you, and he wants to keep you away from me. Sanzo, you can't let him. You have to punish him."
Sanzo's distress is obvious, and increasing by the moment.
"No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to play this game. The scripture, Sanzo can't… bad Sanzo. I'll prove it. Prove it."
So Sanzo drops the gun and begins to chant.
"Kanjizai bosatsu gyou-jin han-nya ha…"
"Shit, Sanzo, what the fuck are you…"
As Gojyo makes to move, Goku is there to block him. Soon, it is too late.
"Makai Tenjou!"
But nothing happens. Nothing at all. Hakkai and Gojyo have never seen Sanzo so defeated, but at least all the fight seems to have gone out of him, and perhaps the game is over at last, and in the end, no one had to lose. It all depends on whether or not Goku is finished playing with them. As Hakkai and Gojyo are silently running through their options, Sanzo begins to react.
Furiously, he begins digging at the ground with his fingers, tearing out the grass and scraping at the soil beneath, as if desperately trying to unearth something buried there. All the while, words fall from his lips in a never-ending, senseless stream.
Gojyo glances at Goku, and, seeing the boy just staring at Sanzo, as if momentarily dazed, makes a decision. He moves towards Sanzo, drops his weapon at Sanzo's side, and grabs him by the wrists, restraining his hands. Sanzo responds violently, his fingers already bleeding from his assault on the earth. Gojyo, his heart aching, does the best thing he can think of to calm Sanzo down. He hits him, just enough to knock some sense into him.
Gojyo only has a second to feel relief, however, before Goku is upon him.
There is a warning shout from Hakkai, and then… pain. He feels a stunning blow across the back of his head, Goku dragging him by the hair, away from Sanzo, and then… searing agony as Goku thrusts the straight edge of his own weapon into his stomach, thrusting it deep into the ground in order to pin Gojyo in place. Through the pain and the blood, morbid amusement dances through his mind.
'Shit. Touching Sanzo was definitely the wrong thing to do. Dead wrong.'
Gojyo knows he should have considered the consequences, should have taken Goku's possible reaction into account, shouldn't have turned his back on Goku, but at the time, he had only been thinking of Sanzo.
Goku looks into Gojyo's eyes for a moment, before he turns away, and what Gojyo sees in their depths is both comforting and terrifying at the same time. Comforting because there is very little of the Goku that he knows in those angry eyes, indicating that perhaps he doesn't really know what he's doing anymore, and can still be brought the other hand, the idea that Goku has lost his mind is wildly frightening. An insane Sanzo at least they can manage, but Goku? An insane Goku is another story all together.
It isn't long before Hakkai is at Gojyo's side, and Gojyo grasps his arm desperately.
"Hakkai, forget me… Make sure…doesn't hurt Sanzo."
Hakkai shakes his head.
"He won't. Sanzo's safe with him. It's you I'm worried about, Gojyo."
"Hakkai… told you… Goku's lost it. Obsessed. Doesn't… know what he's doing."
Something about Gojyo's words sends a shiver up Hakkai's spine. But Goku would never hurt Sanzo, would he? He couldn't. He hadn't even killed Sanzo when he lost his limiter. Even then, he hadn't, so why would he harm him now?
XXX
Goku crouches at Sanzo's side where he sits, still slightly dazed, and takes the human into his first thing Sanzo sees is Goku's eyes, those demonic eyes, and they trigger the impulse to get away. He does not want to let this monster Goku drag him into its nightmare world.
But the monster won't let him escape, won't let go no matter how hard Sanzo struggles, and eventually, Sanzo gives up. It's useless, the monster is too strong, and he is too weak. The monster is speaking to him now, and Sanzo listens in mute horror.
"Shhh, Sanzo. It's okay now. I'll protect you. I won't let them take you away from me. I promised, no matter what, I'd be at your side. Right, Sanzo? I punished them. Are you happy, now? Did I do good? Will you… will you tell me I'm a good little monkey now, Sanzo?"
Sanzo shakes his head, still clutching at Goku's arm after his unsuccessful attempt to force Goku off of him.
"No. Get away from me, monster."
Goku only holds Sanzo even more securely, as if he will never let him go.
"Why, Sanzo? Why do you always say that? But it's okay. I promised, no matter what. Oh…"
Something catches Goku's attention, and he adjusts his hold to free up one of his hands. He touches a mark on Sanzo's neck, a scar left by his own sharp, demonic teeth.
"Sanzo…I did this, didn't I? When I was… I don't remember much 'bout that time, but… we were together, weren't we? Just you and me. And I protected you. You were mine. This mark proves it. Mine. You were happy, weren't you, Sanzo? You liked it. My Sanzo."
Sanzo cringes at Goku's touch, at his words, and all he can do is whisper weakly as Goku's fingers continue to softly stroke his throat.
"No. Don't... Don't touch me."
"Shhh… I won't let them hurt you. I won't let them touch you. Only I can touch you, my Sanzo, right? You and me, we need each other. You said before… that we could do anything together."
As Goku bends to place a kiss over the scar, Sanzo panics.
"No! Stop, don't touch me! Monster!"
Goku is undeterred by Sanzo's rejection or his renewed struggle to get away.
"Don't worry, Sanzo. I promised, no matter what, I wouldn't leave you. Even if you tell me to go away, even if you say you don't want me. You asked me to promise, remember? I'll show you how much I meant it. You and me, we were meant to be together."
Meant to be together. What does this mean? Is it true, even when the meaning becomes twisted by madness? Sanzo does not want it to mean this. Sanzo does not want to be with a monster. Not like this. Where is his little monkey? Where has his Goku gone? Where is the little Goku who loves him, who wants to protect him and keep him safe?
Not here, now. Not holding him against his will. Not taking a promise and making it into something else entirely, something sick and meaningless. This can't be his Goku, not the creature pressing him to the ground and touching him in a way that makes him cringe. Not the thing smothering his protests with unwanted kisses, or whispering crazy words in his ear even as he tugs down his jeans. Is this his Goku, this monster who thrusts into his body, even as he screams for him to stop? No, it can't be. His Goku would never, ever do this. His Goku would never want to hurt him. This is a monster, not his Goku. Not his Goku.
"I promised, Sanzo, just like you wanted. No matter what, even if you try to send me away, I won't leave you. No matter what."
XXX
Hakkai has just finished pulling the blade from Gojyo's gut, when Sanzo starts to scream.
"Hakkai, go to Sanzo… stop Goku!"
Hakkai hesitates only an instant as he looks down at Goku's bloody handiwork, and then he follows Gojyo's wish and turns away, towards Sanzo. Behind him, Gojyo tries to force himself to his feet, holding his hand to the gaping wound in a futile attempt to stem the gush of blood. But the pain is brutal, the injury severe, and he collapses back onto the ground, Sanzo's screams echoing in his ears as he blacks out.
XXX
Sanzo's mind is reeling, his throat raw as he screams for Goku to stop. But Goku won't listen. How can he make Goku stop? A memory resurfaces, of something he had given Goku the last time he wanted to make him go away, something that had more impact than words. A bullet. He had given Goku a bullet.
With that one thought in mind, Sanzo reaches out, feeling along the ground beside him for the gun. It should be right here, right where he dropped it…
His fingertips finally graze against the cool metal, and he grasps the gun in his hand.
Goku is moaning Sanzo's name, now, too distracted to notice as the muzzle of the gun is pressed against his belly. Sanzo cries out one more time for Goku to stop, his voice joined by Hakkai's, and then,
BANG
Goku's body responds to the shock with a shudder, and he looks down in disbelief at the gun in Sanzo's hand, at the blood beginning to seep through the cloth of his shirt. He looks at Sanzo, meeting his eyes, but still… he does not stop.
"Sanzo, I promised, no matter what…"
BANG
"Promised…"
BANG
"San… zo?"
Sanzo's voice is hoarse as he chokes out his words.
"Goku… don't you listen? I told you… I don't want to play with a monster."
A look of pure, undiluted horror floods Goku's eyes, as he realizes what he has done, and, finally, they are Goku's eyes again, his Goku. The eyes of the demon have been vanquished at last. But it is too late.
"Sanzo… I'm sorry."
Goku slumps forward, and as Sanzo lies there with Goku's blood beginning to pool beneath his body, he feels the fire in his head raging worse than ever before, raping his mind as surely as the monster has just raped his body, burning everything away and leaving nothing left that is sane. His fingers twitch around the gun in his hand. He would shoot his brains out just to make it stop, if only he could think clearly enough to do so. But he cannot. All he can do now is scream.
The fire has become an explosion, and it has torn his mind apart.