My Sun, My Supernova
Chapter 25
Shadows
The halls of the monastery are somber and serene, graced with nothing but the daily routine of life dedicated to religious service. Everything here is orderly and as it should be, until…
One day, four visitors arrive in a jeep, and things change.
Among the ragtag group of new arrivals, there is only one who is whole in both body and in mind, and it is this man who greets the monks and explains the situation. Then, one by one, under the watchful eyes of the monks, he brings his three blood-soaked companions into the shelter of the temple.
Of the three, the tall man with the long crimson hair is the only one who is conscious. The other two, the smaller, injured one, and the blond, are carried in with care. But the one who draws the most curiosity and interest from the audience of monks is the blond, for this is Genjo Sanzo. If it had not been for the scripture as evidence, the monks would never have believed Hakkai's story. But, as it is, they will not refuse help to the keeper of the Maten Scripture, no matter how insane he may have become.
And so, Sanzo, Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku are forced to put their westward trek on hold, and the waiting begins.
XXX
Gojyo lies at ease with his hands behind his head, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lip. He turns his head until he can see the other occupant in the room, sitting cross-legged on the floor with a cup of tea and a book.
"You know, Hakkai, I still can't believe what Goku did. I can't believe what you almost did."
Hakkai glances up and smiles faintly.
"To be honest, neither can I."
"You know what else I can't believe, Hakkai? I can't believe you didn't do it."
There is a moment of silence as Hakkai thinks back on the events of that day, when Goku had turned so brutally against them.
"Perhaps I should have, but… it felt wrong. If Sanzo didn't kill Goku himself…"
"You don't think he tried?"
"I'm not convinced the shots where meant to be fatal. I'm not even sure if Sanzo fully knew what he was doing."
"Hakkai, Sanzo shot Goku three bloody times."
"Yes, but it's Goku. He can withstand a lot of damage, and Sanzo knows that. He didn't aim for the head, after all."
"You're contradicting yourself, Hakkai. You said Sanzo doesn't know what he's doing, but yet he knows how many shots Goku can take and in what location?"
"So, you think it was wrong for me to let Goku live? What about Sanzo, when we found him dying on the road after his suicide attempt? Was I also wrong to prevent his death then?"
"That's not what I'm saying. It's just that… damn it, Hakkai, everything's so fucked up now, I don't know what's right and what's not anymore, you know? Goku nearly killed me back there, not to mention the fact that it hurt like hell. And worse... he turned on Sanzo. He raped Sanzo. This is Goku we're talking about, as in power limiter still fully intact and functional."
"I'm afraid he may no longer be the Goku we know and love."
"Bah, as if we ever loved that idiot ape to begin with. Anyway, what's done is done, and now we face the consequences, right? You think he's gonna turn rabid monkey on us again?"
"I don't know."
"Shit."
"Gojyo, it's important to maintain a positive attitude."
"Positive attitude? Huh, you can take your positive attitude and flush it down the toilet. It feels like we're just waiting around for something even worse to happen. And what about Sanzo, is he gonna be alright?"
"I'm afraid all we can do is give him time. We can hardly continue traveling with Sanzo as he is now."
"But how long are we gonna wait? And what if he doesn't get any better? Hakkai, what if this is permanent? You heard what Yaone said. There is no cure. Maybe we've just been deluding ourselves with false hope all along."
As if to emphasize the seriousness of Gojyo's concerns, a shriek tears through the temple andpierces the evening calm. Gojyo closes his eyes against the unwelcome noise, willing it to stop.
"Ah, speaking of Sanzo, it sounds as if the sedatives have worn off. I'd better go attend to him."
As Hakkai is about to stand to go, however, he pauses.
"Gojyo? On second thought, now that you're feeling better, perhaps you should be the one to go."
"What? Why me?"
"We can't keep Sanzo restrained and sedated forever. We need to work with him, to give him a chance, but it's difficult when the mere sight of me upsets him as it does. Unfortunately, he seems to have developed a lingering negative attitude towards me since he found out that I've been impersonating him. You may have better luck, and it's worth a try."
Gojyo sighs heavily.
"Great. I'm on crazy monk sitting duty, now. I don't know what you think this is going to accomplish, though. It's not as if Sanzo and I got along very well with each other even when he wasn't a total lunatic, not that he was ever exactly sane to begin with..."
"Gojyo…"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm going."
Hakkai smiles brightly.
"Thank you, Gojyo. I knew you would be happy to volunteer."
Gojyo just rolls his eyes as he reluctantly heaves himself to his feet.
XXX
Unwelcome within the walls of the temple, Goku remains outside; a solitary figure perched atop the roof. Here he sits, and here he broods, as the fading light of day casts its unhappy shadows upon him. As he watches the setting of the sun, the shadows in his mind grow darker as well, memories of recent events inflicting themselves painfully upon his mind.
---
That day. That explosive, corrosive, sickening day. The hot rush of rage. The burning fire of desperation thick with the smoke of despair. Powerfully irrational feelings and all sense of reason destroyed, until Hakkai and Gojyo were no longer friends, but obstacles, rivals, opponents.
Enemies.
And he had hated them.
Sanzo.
The desire, the need, to ensure his own exclusive place by Sanzo's side. Sanzo was his, and not to be taken away from him. Not by anyone.
Not even by Sanzo himself.
Goku was consumed by need.
In his mind, his own actions were justified and right. In Goku's mind, it was what Sanzo wanted as well, but was just too stubborn to admit it. Then, Goku had lost himself in a haze of blinding light.
Briefly, blissfully, Sanzo was his.
Then…
Pain.
Sanzo's words had finally reached him, and he was horrified by what he heard.
"Goku, I don't want to play with a monster."
The pain had brought him back to his senses, and he had realized with terrible clarity just what he had done.
"Sanzo, I'm sorry. Sorry for what I've done."
Blackness.
Bleeding all over Sanzo, the bullet wounds in his abdomen an ugly testament to his forsaken love.
Awakening.
Tucked securely in bed at the temple, his injuries treated, but not healed. No, Hakkai had done nothing special for him beyond summoning a doctor. Goku did not care. It was more than he deserved. In any case, for him, even a seemingly serious wound is not as bad as it may at first appear to be. He was almost glad.
Because Sanzo had given him these wounds with his own hand.
Hakkai.
Hakkai had looked at him with the sternest, scariest expression on his face that Goku had ever seen. There had never before been a reason for such a frightening look to be turned his way before.
Goku had been subjected to a merciless, meticulously torturous recap of his crimes, and was left with a warning. Hakkai had emphasized his words by distinctly touching the clips on his ear as he spoke, and the message had been clear.
Behave, or else.
And Goku had alarmed himself by actually considering the possibility of going up against Hakkai in his demon form.
"Sanzo, I'm sorry. Sorry for what I still might do."
---
So Goku exists now with the knowledge that he has betrayed Hakkai and Gojyo, that he has treated them as only a beast would. Worse, he has betrayed Sanzo. Now, because of him and what he has done, his Sanzo is suffering, locked up and sicker in mind than ever before, and he cannot go to him, dares not go to him. All he can do for Sanzo now is keep him safe while he recovers by faithfully and dutifully guarding the temple against possible attack.
Even so, the urge to seek out the light and warmth of his most precious sun is strong, pulling at the very marrow of his bones. Oh, how envious he is of Hakkai and Gojyo, who surely even now are basking in that beautiful, shining light. His light, and a light that he no longer deserves.
Goku clenches his fists in frustration as the sun sinks ever lower in the sky, and a soundless whisper bruises his spirit as it tumbles around and around in his heart.
"Monster, stay away. Keep Sanzo safe from you."
XXX
Sanzo in fact has shown improvement since arriving at the monastery. At first, it had been necessary to keep him in restraints twenty-four hours a day, just to prevent and control his constant and uncontrollable fits of violent hysteria.
Unless sedated as well as restrained, he would lie twitching and struggling against his bonds, crying out continually and practically frothing at the mouth in his madness.
Now, the sedatives alone usually are enough to keep him reasonably calm. Still, sudden episodes will occasionally have him attacking the walls or even his own body, forcing Hakkai to be always on alert and quick to intervene lest Sanzo render himself bruised and bloody.
However, Hakkai has just passed this responsibility on to his companion with a smile, and so Gojyo hurries to Sanzo's door in his place.
When he unlocks and enters the room, Sanzo is crouched in the middle of the floor, staring suspiciously at the intruder. Silent now, although tense and breathing hard, Sanzo's blond hair falls over his face, all but obscuring his crazed and wild eyes. When Gojyo steps into the room and shuts the door behind him, Sanzo scuttles away until he reaches the far corner, pressing his back against the wall and hurling threats and obscenities in Gojyo's direction.
Gojyo observes this behaviour for a few seconds, and then simply sits himself down casually on the floor. He lets Sanzo scream and swear to his hearts content, lets him bang his head back into the wall, lets him pull at his hair and rant and rage in his corner, until finally, Sanzo's frenzy dies down, and, worn out, he draws up his knees to hug them tightly against his chest, reduced to nothing but a twitching, muttering mess.
Slowly, so as not to alarm Sanzo and trigger another outburst, Gojyo moves closer. But Sanzo takes no more offense at his presence.
"Sanzo?"
Sanzo snaps up his head to scream out a single word, his voice hoarse and choked as it rips through his throat.
"No!"
Gojyo has decided that this situation calls for patience. Now that Sanzo's care has been turned over to him, he intends to subdue Sanzo as little as possible, which means minimal force and minimal use of sedatives. He wants to help Sanzo snap out of this insanity, not just medicate him into senselessness.
"No what, Sanzo?"
"No Sanzo here."
"You're not Sanzo? Then who are you?"
The only answer he gets is a glare.
"Oh, maybe you'd prefer that other name. Konzen?"
"No."
"No? Then what should I call you, eh? How about I just call you Blondie? That suits you fine. Or even better, how about Sunshine?"
Sanzo surprises him by voicing no complaint. He just gazes at Gojyo, his eyes wide with surprise and somehow touched with hurt.
"Goku. Sound like… Goku."
Gojyo snorts.
"Please, don't compare me to that animal."
Sanzo heaves a weary sigh weighted heavily with dejection.
"Silly monkey. Wouldn't listen. Why? Why?"
Sanzo is looking at Gojyo now as if he holds the answers to the most profound questions in the universe. Gojyo just grins.
"Like I said, he's a dumb animal."
Sanzo is staring Gojyo in the eye so intently, it almost makes him feel dizzy, having those vivid violet eyes locked hypnotically with his own crimson, blood-red gaze. He remembers telling Sanzo that he can look into his eyes anytime he wants.The heat begins to rise as he recalls other things, like Sanzo's kiss. He shifts his eyes to Sanzo's lips, and watches as he almost soundlessly whispers a single word.
"Blood."
In the next instant, Sanzo convulses in a spasm of horror at the memory of Goku's blood, spilling out of the fresh bullet wounds and staining them both in red, red, red. Raw concern makes Gojyo reach out to still him with an impulsive touch of reassurance, but Sanzo pulls away from his hand with a hiss.
"No! Don't touch. I bite."
Gojyo quickly withdraws, holding his hands up in the air.
"Look, no touching."
Sanzo's next words are tinted with a curious emphasis, as though they hold some special, hidden significance.
"Goku doesn't belong to me. Not my monkey."
He looks at Gojyo so expectantly, that it prompts Gojyo to make an inquiry.
"Are you asking me, or telling me?"
"He's not."
Sanzo punctuates this by smacking his head sharply against the wall, and Gojyo hastily agrees.
"Okay, okay, so Goku's not your monkey."
Something dangerously devious lurks behind Sanzo's eyes as, just as seriously as before, he makes another statement that seems more like a question in disguise.
"I don't belong to Goku."
"No. You don't belong to Goku. Goku can go screw himself for all we care. You don't belong to anyone."
Sanzo closes his eyes tightly as three simple words slip off of his tongue.
"But I wanted."
Gojyo sighs. Sanzo and Goku. This is about Sanzo and Goku, and the convoluted mess that their relationship has become. Gojyo isn't even sure how to start untangling this knot, or if he even wants to try at this point. Tentatively, he decides to test the murky depths of these turbulent emotional waters.
"Hey, you and Goku… "
Sanzo spits in his face.
Gojyo wipes off his face with his sleeve and manages a chuckle despite the situation.
"Touchy, touchy. If it isn't bullets you're firing at me, then it's something else. Personally, I think I prefer the bullets. Yuck."
Sanzo ignores him, whispering to himself.
"Bullets... are all I have to give…"
Gojyo frowns.
"Hey. What kind of a shitty attitude is that? Huh?"
Sanzo blinks out of his daze and snaps at Gojyo.
"Behave."
"Hey, I'm not the one who's acting up, here."
Sanzo narrows his eyes viciously, his voice taking on a dangerous edge.
"Punish bad little pets. Lock them up with the dark."
"Who do you want to punish? Me, Goku, or yourself?"
"Shut up. Naughty monkey."
Sanzo'sglares at Gojyo with a nasty glint in his eyes, as though contemplating the worst possible punishment. Sanzo's moods are changing so rapidly, Gojyo can hardly keep track of them anymore, but at least Sanzo is talking to him, rather than freaking out.
"You're mad at Goku, right?"
"Fuck off!"
Gojyo is almost amused, but he fixes his face into a stern frown, and raises his voice sharply.
"Hey! Be nice, or I'll have to punish you."
He pulls out the bottle of tablets he had hidden in his pocket, and shakes them in Sanzo's face. Sanzo freezes warily, and Gojyo removes his threat from sight.
"Are you going to behave yourself now?"
"No. I'm not a pet."
"No, you're not, and you don't deserve to be punished, either."
"Then why won't it stop? Why won't the nasty dark go away?"
"Because you're sick, that's why. I'll help you, help you beat the dark. But I can only help you if you're nice to me."
Sanzo seems to consider this a moment, and then he nods slowly with an evil grin.
"Won't punish you… if you take away the dark."
"You've got yourself a deal, Sunshine."
Then the conversation, if it can be called that, is over. Sanzo slips into delirium, distracted by some stream of internal chaos that takes precedence over grim reality. Gojyo cannot reach him now, cannot follow, for Sanzo is swimming in his own private pool, drowning in the deepest depths of his own mind, unresponsive and oblivious to the external world.
XXX
So the days pass slowly, and Sanzo thankfully becomes quieter and less volatile. Even Hakkai is tolerated by him more easily, and gradually, he seems to be regaining a touch of sanity, and along with it, a ray of hope is gained as well.
However, Sanzo is not the only concern.
For outside, a monkey still sits and watches as each day the sun rises and sets, and the inner darkness of despair slowly but surely swallows him whole. His only comfort and solace is in the daily presence of the distant ball of fire, and he even speaks to it softly in his loneliness.
"Sanzo, what am I supposed to do? I miss you. I never meant to hurt you."
He waits, and he watches, but there is never any answer to be found.
TO BE CONTINUED