My Sun, My Supernova
Chapter 28
And I Will Fly
Somewhere, in an obscure corner of town, darkness conceals them.
Under cover of is sheltering embrace, need consumes them.
Goku has surrendered himself to Sanzo, and in turn Sanzo has, for the time being, sacrificed solitude, relinquished loneliness, banished doubt. Yet there is nothing tender about this moment. This is not a gentle expression of sweet love, but something much more desperate, as Goku lets Sanzo press him into the wall and demonstrate to him in a purely physical way that their relationship is one of mutual possession. So the desire to punish and to hurt has been converted, with a revolutionary kiss, into just desire, and a need to relieve tension through touch.
Afterwards, Sanzo just clings to Goku's deceptively slight figure, so out of breath he can barely breathe. Goku finally sinks to the ground, bringing Sanzo down with him, and as the sweat and heat of their passion cool, Goku is reawakened to a different kind of need. This is the need to move on, to continue their retreat and get away, to leave the threat of his own actions far behind in the dust of escape.
But Sanzo clearly will not be walking anywhere at the moment. Settled side by side, their backs resting against the rough surface of the wall in whose dusty shadows they hide, Goku watches his Sanzo, his more than friend, more than lover, his - dare he think so boldly - soul mate in agitated concern. Each beat of Sanzo's heart seems to come at a cost, nearly every breath accompanied by a sharp gasp of pain. Finally,Goku decides to test the limits of acceptable touch. His loose, steadying hold on the man at his side tightens, as he wraps his arm around him and pulls him in close to the security and comfort offered by his own body. Sanzo languidly opens eyes glazed with both lassitude and pain, but does not reject the maneuver. Goku stares deep into those saturnine eyes, seeking answers to his unspoken concerns.Will Sanzo again turn him away, choosing to ignore and dismiss all that they have shared? His other question is one that frightens him even more, for it concerns Sanzo's presently worrisome physical condition.
Goku sighs, and settles in to wait, for he dares not ask, and there is nothing else that he can do.
XXX
Hakkai and Gojyo's search finally brings them all unknowingly onto the very street off of which Sanzo and Goku have hidden themselves away. Frustration nips at them irritably with its sharp little teeth, threatening to rip them to shreds if they don't find their missing friends, and soon, before it's too late.
Passing by the alley, Gojyo glances into its sun-starved depths, and stops dead in his tracks, hardly daring to believe his eyes. Hakkai, noticing his friend's sudden reaction, stops alongside him to likewise peer into the dingy shadows, and sighs in relief at the most welcome sight.
For there, at last, are Sanzo and Goku, fast asleep in each other's arms.
Gojyo and Hakkai share a glance, as mutual relief melts into a new cause for concern. The question now is how to approach without provoking Goku into violence. However, there proves to be no time to ponder this, for, with a start and Sanzo's name upon his lips, Goku suddenly awakens. Gojyo and Hakkai watch as he turns to Sanzo and tries to shake him awake. Sanzo's lack of response is worrisome to all three of his demonic companions.
Gojyo clears his throat loudly, and Goku snaps his head around, staring like a wild animal caught in a trap.
XXX
Those golden eyes close tight in a desperate, silent plea. If only Hakkai and Gojyo would just go away. If only they would disappear and leave him and Sanzo in peace. His eyes still squeezed shut, Goku secures his hold on Sanzo, curling up tightly into the embrace, and voices this plea aloud.
"Gojyo, Hakkai. Please. Just leave us alone. I don't wanna hurt you guys."
Hakkai's steady gaze penetrates the shadows along with his answer.
"Goku, you know we can't do that. Sanzo isn't well. He needs our help."
Dark anger and possessiveness flares up in Goku against his bidding.
"He doesn't need you! Only me!"
Gojyo sighs in exasperation, and, throwing caution to the wind, speaks before he thinks.
"Stop being such a selfish little brat, you stupid monkey."
The accusation takes Goku by surprise, stilling his anger. Huge, troubled orbs reveal themselves to the world again, as he opens his eyes at last. He studies the face next to his as he considers Gojyo's words, whispering into Sanzo's ear as he does so.
"Selfish? But I'm thinking only of you, so how can that be selfish? Sanzo… please wake up, I don't know what to do. Sanzo…"
Sanzo cracks open his eyes, revealing twin slivers the colour of a stormy sky, and just as cloudy. Weariness, confusion, and the struggle to hold onto a precarious thread of lucidity have stolen the brilliance from those eyes, and left them dark and dull.
When Sanzo speaks, his voice is dry and hollow, so very hollow that it seems to reach right down to the bottomless depths of his ravaged soul, and pull to the surface all the things that have been kept there, locked away in the deepest dark.
"Goku...Don't be afraid, little monkey. You won't hurt them again. I won't let you. The four of us… Don't you see? We are one. If you hurt them, you hurt me. You'll hurt Konzen, you'll hurt yourself. Look, Goku. Look beyond the light, and see the truth. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, and at the same time, it hurts so much more."
Sanzo closes his eyes again, letting his head drop onto Goku's shoulder, and fear suddenly rips through Goku pell-mell, momentarily blinding his awareness with a wall of blind terror. He shakes Sanzo again, almost roughly.
"Sanzo, stop it! Stop talkin' crap! Just tell me what to do, okay? I need you to...I just need you!"
After a moment of terrifying silence, filled with nothing but the unhealthy, irregular rhythm of Sanzo's heart, Sanzo sighs deeply.
"I'm so tired of arguing with you, monkey. Let me up."
Sanzo takes a few steadying, preparatory breaths, and then, not without difficulty, uses Goku as a support as he pulls himself to his feet. Goku rises to stand up with him, but when Sanzo takes a step in Hakkai and Gojyo's direction, hesitates at his side. Sanzo gives him a reproachful sideways glance, but Goku just shakes his head and refuses to move, standing wide-eyed almost as if stupefied with fear. Sanzo regards him cooly for a moment, gritting his teeth stubbornly against the pain within. Finally, something seems to give as his expression softens almost imperceptably, and he tersely whispers a reluctant admission for Goku's ears only.
"I need you."
Goku blinks in surprise at the unexpected confession, and as Sanzo moves to take another step forward, this time Goku does follow. Hakkai and Gojyo wait, watching with apprehension and concern as the other two slowly make their approach.
Sanzo is determined, and Goku is terrified of the possible consequences, of what he might do to his friends when they finally reach them. As a result, each step forward is absolutely agonizing, so much so that he feels petrified and almost unable to move at all. It is only Sanzo's strength of will and the comfort of having him close that draws Goku onward. That, and of course the tremendous reassurance of having heard those three words spoken aloud. Still, Goku's eyes flicker wildly, as thoughts of escape dance continually through his mind.
It's as if they are moving in slow motion, and the rest of the world stands still around them. So focused are the four on this drama taking place between them, that the appearance of a familiar figure from the sky strikes through this illusion of timelessness like thunder and lightning combined.
Kougaiji has arrived, and he is not alone.
XXX
Only Gojyo and Hakkai are in a position to watch as the two pure white flying dragons come to ground smoothly in the street, allowing the demon prince and his unknown companion to dismount.
The red lord regards the two for a brief moment, the usual haughty disdain gracing delicately demonic features. His lip curls in distaste even as his eyes narrow in suspicion.
"I have business with Sanzo."
Gojyo quips in reply.
"Did you make an appointment? I don't see your name on the list."
Hakkai, ever pleasant, clarifies the response.
"What Gojyo means to say is that we don't have the time or patience to attend to your business today. Besides, Sanzo's scripture is not up for negotiation."
Something flickers briefly behind Kougaiji's eyes, but he keeps his response level.
"I'm not here for the scripture. I've brought a cure."
XXX
A cure.
Goku truly does not know what to think. He should be happy, and he is. The very idea is too much to hope for. But at the same time, he is doubtful, even afraid. If Sanzo regains his sanity, will he push Goku away? Will he look back on their time together now as nothing more than a mistake born only of lunacy?
To add to Goku's anxiety is Sanzo's own response to the news. Far from demonstrating relief or hope, he just stands perfectly still, his fingers digging into Goku's arm. Worse is the absolutely horrified look in his eyes.
Goku listens as Hakkai questions their adversary, and to Kougaiji's short-tempered response.
"How can we trust your intentions?"
"I don't give a damn whether you trust me or not. I'm simply here to clean up someone else's mess. Here's the cure. Take it or leave it, it's up to you."
Unseen by Goku, Kougaiji indicates the demon accompanying him, and, without a backwards look or another word, departs the scene, leaving the so-called cure standing in the street.
Now Goku is the one to step forward, as curiosity tempts him closer, and the roles are reversed, leaving Sanzo as the one to dig in his heels. But in this new arrangement, Sanzo's strength is no match for Goku's insistence. Goku does not venture close enough to emerge from the alleyway, however, as conflicting emotions and hesitation hold him back. He pulls Sanzo protectively closer, dreadfully fascinated by the exchange on the street. His nose twitches as he tests the scent of the stranger. He watches Hakkai's face closely as he questions the "cure".
"How do you propose to deliver this cure?"
The new demon's voice is wispy and light, yet resonates with a hidden strength, like the gossamer thread of a spider's web.
"Psychically. I will seek out and destroy the sickness in your companion, the Sanzo priest. At Lord Kougaiji's command, I will heal his tormented soul."
Goku feels Sanzo shiver and shrink against him, as if in retreat. Into Goku's hair, Sanzo whispers a plea touched with an urgent insistency.
"No. Goku… don't let it… "
Goku is tortured by confusion.
"But… don't you want to get better?"
"It's too late. Too late."
Sanzo can barely breathe the words, and Goku knows he's hurting again, but this time, the pain is physical, stabbing at Sanzo internally with every pulse.
If only he could erase Sanzo's pain once and for all.
Gojyo and Hakkai turn to Goku, and he listens to their request. It seems reasonable enough, and it is made on Sanzo's behalf.
They want him to allow the cure to be administered.
XXX
Numbly, Goku finds himself agreeing, with a single, simple nod of the head. Sanzo stares at him in horrified disbelief, as if he has just been betrayed in the worst way possible.
In earnest now, he begins to struggle, fighting against Goku's hold. Cautiously, Goku moves with him out into the street, into the fading light of day. As the shadows of the alleyway are left behind and the demon brought into view, Sanzo nearly screams. Goku's attempts to calm him prove worthless and ineffective.
"Sanzo, it's okay. You'll see. You won't have to hurt anymore."
The more he struggles, the more it hurts, but Sanzo ignores the pain. Its cause, he knows, is due to a different kind of struggle, one between him and Konzen, and one he is not ready to give up just yet.
The demon places her hands on Sanzo's head, and Sanzo becomes absolutely desperate.
"No, stop! It's too late. You can't, can't help me. The sickness, it died. It died with Genjo Sanzo. All that's left are me and him. Goku, don't let them, don't let them!"
Too late.
Contact has already been made. True to Sanzo's word, death has already cured him of his affliction. His mind and his soul remain damaged, damaged beyond repair, and the only healthy thing he has left inside is a twin soul, Konzen. That is also the only abnormal presence the cure is able to find, as it scours Sanzo's scarred soul, and it latches onto the unfortunate god, attempting to eradicate and destroy.
Blood begins to trickle from Sanzo's nose in a steady stream, as he lets loose a scream of agony at the torturous assault.
Suddenly the demon breaks contact, shaking her head in consternation.
"I don't understand. I can't find it."
Hakkai and Gojyo's eyes are hard on her.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean it isn't working. There's nothing to cure."
All eyes shift back to Sanzo as he screams again, convulsing in Goku's arms as blood continues to stream down his face in an increasing flow. Sanzo manages to seek out and seize one pair of eyes imploringly with his own, and as those golden eyes stare back at him, he forces safe passage for one word through the screams that he cannot control.
"Stop… "
Goku blinks, and responds.
Gently, he lays Sanzo down, and then, all gentleness is abandoned, as he attacks the demon in a brutal show of violence.
XXX
Hakkai and Gojyo can do nothing as they watch the scene unfold. They dare do nothing. Blood spurts onto the street as Goku literally tears the demon apart with his bare hands. Into this attack is put all of his pain, anger, fear, all of his confusion and desperation, and even, all of his love. It is as if Goku is using this demon's very blood and guts as the medium with which to depict all that he and Sanzo have recently gone through, painting it across the empty street in a gruesome, macabre display of horrific art.
Sanzo is only vaguely aware of Goku's actions, even though he is not spared from the red spray that emits from the scene. Something else has caught his eye instead. Something beautiful and clean that speaks of freedom and escape. Coughing and choking on his own blood, he begins to crawl deliriously towards this newfound object of hope, which happens to be the now dead demon's flying dragon, still waiting patiently in the street.
As he draws near the animal, he grasps the harness, and collapses against the winged form.
Goku stands panting in the middle of the carnage that once was a woman, his eyes distant and unfocused as his fingers flex spasmodically, blood dripping from his arms and soaking his clothes.
Hakkai looks beyond him, to Sanzo, and, in alarm, calls his name. Gojyo curses as he too notices Sanzo's current position. The sound of Sanzo's name snaps Goku out of his daze of bloodlust, and he turns to look as well. The realization of what he sees almost makes him want to cry, or laugh, or maybe both.
Through the relief of knowing what is about to happen, Goku is finally able to see Gojyo and Hakkai again as the friends he once knew.
"Hakkai. Gojyo. I'm sorry. And thanks for everything. You guys are the best. But I'll take care of Sanzo from now on. It's the only way."
"Goku…"
"You're not gonna…"
"Goodbye."
Goku turns, and in an instant he is at Sanzo's side, hauling him up with him onto the back of the dragon. All too soon, they have left the street, along with the corpse and their friends, far below. All too soon, Hakkai and Gojyo's shouts and calls are no longer even a whisper on the breeze.
XXX
Freedom.
That's what this is. High in the sky, among the clouds, flying west.
Goku holds Sanzo safely in his arms until the physical symptoms pass and his suffering eases off. When Sanzo is able to sit up a little on his own, he gazes in silent wonder at the vast, empty sky surrounding them on all sides, the clean wind rushing in his face. In Goku's supportive arms, his body seems to tremble, and Goku is worried, until he realizes; Sanzo is soundlessly laughing. Goku presses his face into billowing golden hair, wearing a joy big enough to embrace the world, except that now, the only world he needs is here, right now, with Sanzo.
They are flying, and the fact that they are covered in blood does not matter, the fact that they are both sick in the head is of no concern. Pain has been forgotten as well. All the various troubles and trials of their life have been left far below and are likewise forgotten.
They have found a compromise. They will travel west together after all, as Goku had wished, leaving Sanzo at his side and Hakkai and Gojyo safe behind, but they will not travel on foot, nor against Sanzo's will.
Sanzo throws back his head in abandon, raising his arms high above his head. He smiles, childlike, as thoughts of orange paper airplanes and blue skies come to vivid life in his mind. Goku smiles too, tears of happiness escaping his eyes and flowing back into the wind, to fall like raindrops onto the land far below.
TO BE CONTINUED