My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 29

Transcendence

One naked foot steps lightly onto foreign soil, as Sanzo slips easily off of the dragon's back. Goku isn't far behind, his own booted feet connecting somewhat less gracefully with solid ground. Sanzo is drunk on elation, the thrill of flight and escape having lifted his spirits into an emotional high, and, because Sanzo is happy, so too is Goku.

Goku watches with a smile as Sanzo lifts his face to the sky, his eyes sparkling with excitement. Goku's smile widens when those radiant eyes turn his way, igniting his soul. With delighted laughter, he playfully trips Sanzo's feet out from under him, just to give himself the reward of catching his shining blond treasure in his arms. Gently, he lowers Sanzo down with him to the ground, hardly daring to breath lest he ruin the magic of actually having Sanzo relaxed and happy and totally receptive to his demonstration of affection. Intending to take full advantage of his companion's good mood, Goku leans in to bestow him with a celebratory kiss.

When their lips meet, soft and sweet, Sanzo sighs in deep content, letting his fingers tangle in a wind-blown shock of chocolate-brown hair.

The touch tingles pleasantly against Goku's scalp, and he reluctantly breaks the kiss just to gaze once again into the absolute miracle of pain-free amethyst eyes.

Miraculous the sight may be, but sometimes miracles are just too good to be true.

One moment, those eyes are smiling up at Goku, vibrant and bright, and the next, they are blank and dulled by pain's inevitable return. The fingers entwined gently in his hair involuntarily tighten their grip, pulling sharply at the roots. When the bad spell passes and Sanzo's heart settles again in his chest, much of the pure, innocent joy has been wiped away, leaving Sanzo looking more weary than anything else. Goku shifts away from their embrace in dismay, and as he does so suddenly becomes aware of the dried blood clinging to his skin and caking his clothes, rendering them stiff and dark red.

Goku wrinkles his nose, disgust and anger welling up inside of him, directed both at the phantom demon which is Sanzo's pain, as well as at the actual demon he had torn apart back in the village. There is no way he can touch Sanzo now when he is so contaminated by that foul creature's blood, and already he has let Sanzo become tainted with it.

The object of Goku's concern, still lying stretched out aimlessly on the ground, is looking at him curiously, and Goku offers him a smile, an expression in contrast to his own current feelings. Sanzo twitches the corner of his lips slightly, in what could be interpreted as the ghost of a half-hearted attempt to return the gesture. Charmed by the response, minimal though it may be, Goku turns up the intensity of his grin, trying to coax a little more in return. He is rewarded with another small smile, more beautiful to him than the most perfect sunrise, and Goku's heart just melts.

Oh, he so desperately wants to protect Sanzo, to take away his pain, but he cannot protect him from whatever it is now that hurts him from within. Goku sits back on the dusty ground and hugs his knees, looking off into the dreary, ominous distance.

Houtou Castle is not far, and storm clouds are beginning to gather threateningly in the sky.

XXX

This close to the source of Shangri-La's troubles, chaos reigns. Earlier, Sanzo and Goku had passed over a village entirely overrun by demon occupation. Whatever humans do remain in the area live strictly under demon subjugation and constant fear.

Sanzo and Goku have finally found a tiny, secluded house, apparently abandoned and ransacked, but for them it is enough. It will offer adequate shelter from the weather, and provide a suitable haven in which to rest.

Once settled, Goku's first priority is to wash away all traces of blood. His next priority is food. They haven't eaten in quite a while, and he wants to provide Sanzo with the nourishment he needs to regain his strength, especially since Sanzo obviously hasn't been eating well for some time now, judging by his loss of weight. Goku sighs rather ruefully, considering the fact that he himself is in similar circumstances. It's been ages since the words, "I'm hungry", once spoken so frequently, have been much more than just an inconsequential thought in the back of his mind.

Goku leaves Sanzo resting comfortably in their makeshift nest and goes to the dingy little kitchen to see what he can do about scrounging together some kind of meager meal. By the time he finally manages to fumble through the task of cooking stale rice, which happens to be the only edible thing available, night has fallen and rain is already coming down in torrents.

When he approaches with a steaming bowl of the simple meal, Sanzo is awake and sitting perfectly still by the window, staring out at the dark, wet world beyond the thin glass. Quietly setting down the dish, Goku kneels at his side, the two of them closely enveloped in soft candlelight and the steady beat of the rain. Sanzo's eyes are eerily distant, even as Goku gently runs his fingers through the silken strands of his hair, quietly enjoying the fresh contrast of the pale locks against his own tanned skin. A slight frown flickers briefly across Sanzo's face, but otherwise Goku's presence, including the touch, goes entirely ignored.

Goku sighs. He isn't surprised that the rain has brought Sanzo even further down, but that doesn't stop him from feeling disappointed. He moves in closer, gathering up Sanzo's hair, grown slightly longer now due to the absence of regular trimming, in order to expose the sensitive skin at the nape of his neck. Sanzo remains unresponsive, but Goku is undeterred. Longing and devotion overtake him, and he snakes an arm around Sanzo's waist to clasp one of his hands, lacing their fingers together. Goku whispers Sanzo's nameagainst his skin, and as he does so, a peal of thunder growls as if to contrast with the softer sound.

As the rumble of thunder fades away, Sanzo finally responds, although not quite in the way that Goku was hoping for, his voice low and harsh, as if in warning.

"Leave me alone."

Lightning flares violently, overwhelming and drowning out the cozy light provided by the candle. Goku holds his breath, but does not retreat. He feels almost awestricken by the extent of Sanzo's power to draw him in and hold him utterly spellbound. How can Sanzo's light always be so beautiful to him, whether it be enhanced by the brilliance of the sun, a burning fire, or even a wicked storm?

"No."

Sanzo lets his breath hiss sharply between his teeth, angered by Goku's refusal to obey. The rain drums in his ears relentlessly, seeming to increase in intensity, threatening to rip his skull asunder. He breaks away from Goku and turns to face him coldly.

As their eyes clash, the storm continues to rage, inside and out.

"What did you say?"

"I said no. I won't leave you alone."

Goku reaches to trace his fingers lightly over the back of Sanzo's neck, but his hand is immediately slapped away.

"Stop."

Goku catches Sanzo's hand firmly by the wrist.

"No, Sanzo. You stop."

Sanzo gapes at him, shooting invisible daggers with his eyes and spitting venom with his words.

"What the fuck do you think you're…"

"I won't lose you to the rain, Sanzo. No one can take you away from me, no one. Not even the ghost that haunts you whenever it rains."

Faced with Goku's determination, the weight of old emotional wounds and the stress of recent circumstances, Sanzo begins to break down. The waver in his voice proves impossible to hide.

"How… dare you…"

Goku gives his wrist a light squeeze.

"I won't give up on you. I need you."

"Let go, Goku."

"No."

"Goku…"

Sanzo's voice trails off, almost more pleading than demanding now, and Goku's answer is imbued with all the sincerity he can muster.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, not again. But I won't let you be alone. I won't."

Sanzo glares a moment longer, willing Goku to back off, and then turns his face away towards the rain-streaked glass.

"You're so naïve, little monkey. The rain… it reminds me. What hurts the most is to lose someone you care about. I wanted to protect myself, so I kept my distance. I denied everything. Was it wrong, Goku? Was I wrong?"

"Sanzo…"

Sanzo shakes his head, and seeks out the reflection of Goku's eyes in the window.

"What am I going to do with you, my Goku?"

Goku leans forward, resting his chin on Sanzo's shoulder.

"Whatever you do, don't push me away. It hurts. It hurts even more than… than being alone… in the cave…"

Sanzo closes his eyes, remembering the lonely creature that had called to him so desperately from his prison of rock. Realization dawns like a dark cloud on the horizon.

The cave.

"Sanzo, come away from the window. Forget the dumb old rain."

Goku waits in frustrated impatience, slipping his arms around Sanzo again and letting his fingers play teasingly just under the waistline of too-loose jeans. But Sanzo is no longer aware of the touch, entranced and numb to his present surroundings. The hypnotic sound of the rain entwines around his mind, holding him captive to memories, forcing him to relive a haunting tale five centuries old, a tale that only ends in tragedy again and again.

Goku angles his head to peer into Sanzo's face, into lost, empty eyes vacantly transfixed on the storm outside. Goku soundlessly curses the rain, an enemy he cannot fight, before pulling Sanzo away from the window and flopping backwards with him into the nest of bedding spread out invitingly for them on the floor. He settles himself comfortably over Sanzo's body, gazing down at him with warmth and intensity.

"Come on, Sanzo, look at me. Be here with me."

Sanzo's eyelids flutter as he struggles to focus on the present.

"Goku? It's... it's almost over, but for you, it never ends… "

"Sanzo, forget it. It's just the rain messing with you, makin' you feel nothin' but gloom and doom. But I can make you feel good. Remember the sky? Everything was so clear. We were happy there. I'll make you feel like you're flying again. Wake up and fly with me, Sanzo."

Overcome now with desire and the desperate need to bring Sanzo back to him, Goku carefully administers each kiss and caress, trying to elicit a response. Sanzo's faraway eyes fall gently shut as the sensations wash over him, chasing away the unwholesome dark. Goku eagerly exposes as much skin as possible on his downward path, until finally, he reaches his destination, and Sanzo throws back his head with a shuddering moan, eyes snapping open as he awakens to the reality of the moment. For one frighteningly lucid second, he even thinks to resist, pulling at Goku's hair in mild protest. But lucid thought very soon becomes next to imposible as he finds himself submitting, wanting, needing...

Needing nothing but this, here, now...

Nothing but Goku.

For a moment, all else is blissfully forgotten, until...

His heart skips a beat, in prelude to a violent contraction of the vital muscle. Pain overwhelms pleasure, and Sanzo cries out in sharp agony.

Goku quickly stops his ministrations and lifts his head, disturbed and confused, trying to determine the cause of the unexpected response. Sanzo's breath hisses through tightly clenched teeth, his hands clutching in absolute anguish at Goku's hair, entire body gone rigid with stress.

Through the steady beat of the rain, the faulty, erratic rhythm of Sanzo's heart sounds loudly in Goku's ears, terrifying in its implications. Although afraid to leave, Goku scrambles to his feet, leaving strands of his own hair behind in desperate fingers, and races from the room. He isn't gone long, returning quickly with a damp cloth. Kneeling at Sanzo's side, he takes one trembling hand in his and places the cool cloth tenderly on a brow no longer adorned with the mark of the gods.

XXX

After an hour or so of such mutual torment, in which the pain seems worse than ever before, Sanzo finally begins to relax, his heartbeat becoming gradually more lies down next to him, worry-worn, and places a comforting handon Sanzo's chest over his sighs, his breath no longer hindered, and, exhausted, bids good riddance to the last twinges of pain.

They lie quietly together, listening to the raindrops hit the roof over their heads. In the kitchen, the dragon shifts in its sleep, snorting contentedly. After a while, Sanzo places a hand over Goku's in silent thanks, and Goku lifts his head a little, questioning wordlessly. Sanzo does not look at him, his only response being a brief squeezeof his hand.

It's enough for Goku. Reassured, he moves to tuck his head against Sanzo's shoulder a little tentatively, almost afraid tofor fear that somehow it is his touch that's responsible for Sanzo's pain. The idea does not seem so very farfetched in his mind, and it unsettles him vaguely. He tries to brush the thought away as he mumbles sleepily against the other man's skin.

"Sanzo, what's wrong with you?"

Sanzo sighs heavily and lightly drapes an arm over Goku, who responds to the welcoming touch by snuggling in more comfortably at his side.

"It's Konzen. The more I resist him, the more it hurts. But I can't let him come through, not yet."

"You mean… Konzen is doing this to you? He's hurting you?"

"Not intentionally, but yes. If I had given in, he'd be here with you right now. I'd be locked up instead of him. But… I can't let him out until I explain to you what you need to do, Goku. It'll be up to you and him, but you have to make him do it. It's up to you, Goku."

Goku sits up slowly, gazing down at Sanzo with a drawn seriousness hardly suited to his youthful face.

"What do me and Konzen gotta do?"

"You have to end this. You have to win the fight. You have to save the world. You have to do it for me, because I can't. I can't."

The grim expression on Goku's face melts into a childish pout.

"But why? Why do we even gotta do that? Why can't we just forget the whole thing? I just wanna be with you, I don't care about anything else."

"No, Goku. It doesn't work that way. Besides, Konzen and I, we can't stay like this. It's no good. We'll only end up killing each other."

Sanzo laughs suddenly, as if the whole situation were nothing but a sick joke.

"You won't leave me, Goku. I know you won't. In the end, I'm always the one who leaves you."

Goku leans over Sanzo, bringing his face in close.

"Hey. Listen, Sanzo. Don't start sayin' stuff like that. You won't leave me, right?"

"Goku, I think it's time. We're finally here, at the end of the road. I have to let Konzen out now, but first… I'll tell you what you have to do."

"Sanzo?"

"Goku, you wanted me to give up the rain for you. To give up the ghosts of the past. But if I do that, then you have to do the same for me. Can you do that? Can you give up Konzen for me?"

"But you are Konzen. You're the same."

"Do you really think that? Maybe in a way it's true. But think again. I am Konzen. I am what Konzen becomes. But Konzen is not me. He is not. Now listen. This is important. Take Konzen to Houtou Castle. He must bear the Maten scripture in my place. Konzen is a god. In his hands, its power will be amplified. You… "

Sanzo reaches up to smooth down Goku's spiky hair, his fingers coming to rest against the golden coronet.

"You have to help him, but not as you are now. The little monkey isn't strong enough, no. The monster has to do it. You have to release it, Goku. Will you do that for me?"

"No. I can't. I… I don't wanna be that thing again."

"You have to. It's the only way we stand a chance. Even so, we might not make it."

"No!"

Sanzo gives Goku's hair a sharp tug.

"Do as I say, Goku. Do you hear me? You will do it."

Goku drops his gaze, turning his face away.

"I'll do anything for you, Sanzo. But not that. I can't. Please don't ask me to."

"Then I have no further use for you, Goku. I don't need a weak, naughty little monkey like you. Get out of my sight."

"But Sanzo… "

"Get out!"

Goku winces and hunches his shoulders miserably, but before he can argue further, Sanzo suddenly mutters a curse and clutches at his chest in renewed pain.

"Goku, I…Will you help, before it's too late?"

The desire to help Sanzo, to ease his pain, wins out over his own fear, and Goku agrees.

"Okay. I'll do it."

Sanzo sighs in relief, even though the pain continues to assault him. Goku will help him. That is enough for now.

"I knew you wouldn't forsake me, little monkey. But listen, remember what I said. There can be only one sun in the sky, and... I'm a selfish bastard, so I want it to be me. Understand? I won't let him keep you."

Goku nods, and Sanzo closes his eyes in a moment of preparation. Then, he lets the pain have its way, and the world goes white, as he finally allows Konzen to take transcendence.

XXX

So it is not Sanzo who lies unconscious at Goku's side, but Konzen. Goku, unaware of the switch, sleeplessly listens to the storm as he absently combs his fingers through blond hair, trying not to think about what he has agreed to do.

Later, when the rich smell of blood invades his acute senses, Goku sits up, and watches in fascinated alarm as Sanzo's pillow slowly stains red. Sanzo is suffering another nosebleed, and a bad one. Goku swallows nervously, and licks his lips as an uncontrollable shiver of excitement thrills through him, stirred to life by the intoxicating scent. He frowns in self-disgust, and, with the cloth he had used to tend to Sanzo before, soaks up the flow as best he can, feeling guilty and ashamed, and vowing that he will make it up to Sanzo for his despicable behaviour by helping him in any way he can, even if that means willfully removing his limiter on demand.

XXX

Time passes slowly in the night, and eventually, Konzen opens his eyes.

It comforts him immensely to see that Goku is with him, the familiar presence soothing the shock of having to suddenly readjust to conscious awareness. The last clear memory he has is of being with Goku at the doctor's place, after the attack. There, together, they had shared something intimate and meaningful. Dazedly, he assumes that this must be the same room, but somehow that doesn't feel right. His mind is spinning and everything feels strange and confused. Forcing back a vague sense of alarm, he sits up a little, and is about to say something to Goku, when he sees the blood.

Blood.

Instantly, it invokes fear and revulsion, and Konzen recoils from the unwelcome sight. Worse, he can even taste it. In horror, he reaches to his face, and when his fingers comes away wet with the vile red fluid, nausea washes over him, forcing him to gag uncontrollably. When his stomach finally stops heaving, Goku is still there, rubbing his back and waiting anxiously.

"Sanzo?"

A fog seems to be hanging heavily on Konzen's mind, weighing him down, making it difficult to think clearly. He opens his mouth to speak, but his tongue and his mind won't connect, and nothing comes out. He shakes his head, and tries again.

"N-no. G-go… ku. It's… I… "

His eyes stray to the bloody cloth in Goku's hand. Goku presses his lips together and frowns, moving to wipe the bloodfrom Sanzo's face. Konzen panics, grabbing Goku's wrist to prevent the horrid object from coming any closer. He tries to speak again, but this time nothing emerges but a pathetic whimper.

As Konzen mutely meets Goku's imploring gaze, Goku's eyes take on a strangely doubtful glint.

"Sanzo?"

Konzen again shakes his head.

"No. I… "

As another bout of gagging leaves Konzen feeling faint and grasping for air instead of words, Goku squints his eyes suspiciously.

"Konzen?"

Konzen chokes out a murmur of assent, nodding his head in obvious relief that Goku has recognized him. For a moment, Goku is likewise struck speechless, trying to adapt to the shock of the change. Then he forces a somewhat fake, though meant to be reassuring, smile onto his lips, studying Konzen curiously as he does so.

"Sanzo let you out. Does it still hurt?"

Konzen shakes his head, and Goku frowns, trying to remain calm, though he himself is shaken and far from feeling at ease.

"What's wrong? Talk to me, Konzen. I need to know if you're okay."

But Goku is unable to get anything out of Konzen, who is still suffering from the effects of the attempted cure, from its aborted attack on his soul. What Goku is eventually able to conclude on his own is that the sight of the blood is upsetting to Konzen, and so he makes an effort to erase all trace of the offending substance, tossing aside the stained pillow and coaxing Konzen to submit to a wash with a clean cloth. Luckily the blood has since stopped flowing, making his job easier.

That done, all that is left for him to do for the time being is to wrap Konzen in his arms, and hold him close. He finds that he very easily and quickly reverts to a clingy, touch-hungry monkey, as physical contact is usually more accepted by Konzen than by Sanzo. As they lie together, sheltered from the steady, though now diminishing, drizzle outside, Goku lets his thoughts and feelings roam freely, though he is not left untroubled as a result.

In one sense, he feels relieved to be with Konzen again. It's like receiving a much-needed emotional tonic. But at the same time, Goku is forlorn because Sanzo is now so out of reach, even more so than when he is right by his side. And then there is what Sanzo had said, about he and Konzen killing each other. The thought chills him, and suddenly the man in his arms no longer feels quite as warm as he did a moment ago. Another thing…

Sanzo had asked Goku to forget about his relationship to Konzen. Sanzo had asked Goku to love only one, and had wanted that one to be him. But how can Goku choose, when one shines just as brightly as the other?

And so the rain falls throughout the remainder of the night, dampening spirits as it dampens the earth. The bliss of flight and freedom has come to an end, leaving nothing but cold reality in its place.