My Sun, My Supernova
Chapter 30
Sweet Surrender
Blood and pain. Trauma and tragedy. The scars are there, within the once-high soul of an exiled god, punished with death by the very Heavens who bore him and which he served throughout his tediously divine existence.
These scars are still fresh, still tender, and are carried as fear.
XXX
Morning arrives rain free, and Konzen awakens with a welcome lifting of the fog of confusion from the night before. Now, he understands all too clearly the explanation of present circumstances that Goku drills him with, and Goku's request for his help. However, his answer is a flat, uncompromising refusal to participate in the scheme.
For one thing, he does not like the idea of doing anything on Heaven's demand. Not to mention the fact the idea of engaging in any battle is absolutely deplorable to him. Bloodshed, killing, dying... He's had enough of it all.
But Goku is persistent.
The two stand facing each other directly, each refusing to back down from their own side of the argument. Words are becoming repetitive, voices growing louder. Tempers are rapidly on the rise as well, and Goku's frustration is close to bursting. When he does burst, it happens so fast it takes them both by surprise.
Within seconds, Konzen is knocked off his feet and forced to the dusty floor, his arms pinned uselessly at his sides. Goku glares down at him.
"You will help me. Say it. Say you'll help me, Konzen. If you don't, I'll have to... I'll..."
Konzen returns the glare with cold accusation, and Goku's anger suddenly dissipates as he realizes his guilty position.Quickly, he releases his captive and scrambles away, leaving Konzen free to gather his dignity, stand, and march right out of the hut, slamming the door impetuously on his way out.
A moment later, Goku follows, subdued and shame-faced. What greets him outside is nothing but a disagreeable scowl and two stiffly crossed arms.
Goku sighs, trying to look as harmless and as endearing as possible, but Konzen just turns his back in silence. Goku approaches slowly and lets a hand run soothingly down the tense muscles of Konzen's back. He knows Konzen likes his touch, when it's gentle, and he feels sorry that he upset him by getting a little rough. He puts all his apology into an embrace, slipping his arms around Konzen's waste. After a moment, he feels Konzen relax, and he sighs in relief, his own anger likewise sobered up.
"Konzen, just stop being so stubborn."
Konzen smiles mirthlessly at the idea.
"Stubborn? Ha, this isn't stubborn, Goku. This is defiant. Heaven had me executed, murdered in the very midst of what is supposed to be sacred. I will not do Heaven's bidding now. I will not."
"Then, I guess that's why you're so afraid, huh? Because of what happened… "
"I am not afraid. I'm angry."
"No. You're afraid. You can't hide it from me, Konzen. Besides, you even told me yourself, remember? That's why you won't help me. You're afraid of dying again. You're afraid of gettin' hurt. That's why you're so afraid of blood."
"Shut up. I'm not afraid of…"
Speaking of the devil, dread and disgust swallow his denial as something wet and warm begins to ooze down his face. Goku's nose twitches, and heeasily turns Konzen around to face him. The sight of the blood, bright crimson contrasting attractively with fair skin and moistening Konzen's lips, has Goku transfixed despite himself.
"Umm... your... your nose is bl… "
Konzen stumbles against Goku suddenly as faintness and nausea hit. Goku catches his fall and helps him to sit against the wall of the hut. Still shaking and queasy, Konzen squeezes his eyes shut and presses his lips tightly together lest the scarlet flow find its treacherous way between his lips. The mere thought of the sickening coppery taste is enough to fill him with mortal, morbid dread.
Goku leans in close to whisper in Konzen's ear, his concern tainted by something much darker and impossible to resist.
"It's just blood, Konzen. You don't have to be afraid of it. It's a part of you. It's beautiful. It's real and alive, and…"
Konzen whimpers softly in protest when he feels the tip of Goku's tongue trace over his bloodied lips, and opens his eyes to meet the heated cauldrons of a gaze cast into bronzed shadow by an alluring fall of hair. Goku runs his tempted tongue over his own lips in sinful appreciation of the taste of blood.
"Sanzo's not afraid of blood."
Konzen turns his face to the side in distaste at the sudden mention of his reincarnation.
"Sanzo? Sanzo's fucked in the head. Of course he's not afraid of it. He likes it. He likes his violence so much, he fucking tortures himself just for the hell of it. Doesn't he? The sick freak likes pain so much, this is what he does."
Konzen pushes up his sleeves, extending scarred arms for Goku to see as evidence of his precious Sanzo's violent tendencies.
Without pause, Goku grabs both arms by the wrists, earning an angry glare from troubled eyes. His hands apply pressure until the glare breaks, cracking like glass and revealing the softer layers behind the icy façade. Still the bruising grip does not lessen.
"Don't you ever, ever talk about Sanzo like that. This is Sanzo's body, so what he does with it isn't any of your business. Got it?"
Konzen breath freezes in his lungs, Goku's harsh words stinging enough to leave him momentarily stunned, his hands already numb from the lack of circulation caused by Goku's punishing hold. Konzen slumps his shoulders miserably, a weak whisper falling brokenly from blood-smeared lips.
"You're... hurting... me..."
Goku nearly wants to turn the punishment against himself when he realizes what he's doing, what he's just said. His attitude softens immediately, and melts into liquid warmth, an affection as sweet as golden honey.
Goku knows... it's the sweetness that Konzen craves to chase the darkness away.
But even as Goku tenderly massages Konzen's numb hands and kisses his bruised wrists, a strange, dark confusion gathers inside him and twists his mind away from comforting thoughts.
"You taste good, Konzen, but… it's Sanzo's taste, isn't it? I guess… I guess I'll never know what you really taste like. Maybe it's the same? But… I wonder what a god would taste like? It couldn't be this good, 'cause gods aren't really alive, are they? Not if Heaven's as boring as you say it is. Konzen? Would you taste as perfect as Sanzo does?"
Goku stares thoughtfully at Konzen for a moment, and then kisses him lightly on the lips.When he again brushes his lips against Konzen's wrist, the contact leaves a thin streak of blood behind.
"Look, Konzen. It looks so pretty, red on white. Sanzo knows all about pain. Me and him, we… we tasted each other's pain."
Konzen leans his head against the wall, sickened by the supposed prettiness of this misery.
"I'm... not... Sanzo."
Goku looks deep into his eyes for a long moment.
"No. You're not."
With these words, Goku lets Konzen's hands drop from his,and stands. He looks down at Konzen for a moment longer, a strange, unreadable expression on his face. Then he turns, and heads back into the hut without a backwards glance. When the door shuts quietly behind him, Konzen's world collapses. Left alone for the first time in this strange new life, with the horrifying red of his own blood - Sanzo's blood - continuing to leave his body – Sanzo's body - at a slow, steady trickle, he has never felt so dejected, or so alone.
He is not Sanzo, and Goku – Sanzo's Goku - has abandoned him.
XXX
Although Konzen's divine soul recovered quickly from the effects of the spiritual attack, his human body still suffers, and the internal hemorrhaging caused by the psychic invasion has not ceased. The result is a slow, steady flow, draining down his chin into a sticky, bloody mess. Even his sleeves are stained dark red from his futile attempts to wipe the blood away.
Time passes like a nightmare in slow motion, as he remains slumped in a light-headed daze against the wall outside. Eventually, at the point when he starts to fear that he might actually die out here, that maybe he'll bleed to death all alone, a shadow crosses his face, blocking the sun. Hope rises in his heart as he opens his eyes, his lips shaping a name.
"Goku?"
But what he sees is not Goku, come to ease his suffering at last.
His eyes widen in shock.
For, looming and leering over him, are four very nasty looking demons indeed.
XXX
Inside the hut, Goku welcomes the temporary escape of sleep, letting its heavy shroud subdue the menacing shadows swirling in his mind. In sleep, he hides himself away from violent impulses and a bloodlust he cannot seem to control. He had turned on Konzen today, hurt Konzen with his own hand, and he is ashamed, confused, afraid.
When he awakens suddenly, with his heart pounding, he knows something is terribly wrong.
Konzen is in danger.
In an instant, the haven of sleep is shrugged away and abandoned as he charges outside to confront the danger, flinging open the door so hard that it rips right off of its flimsy hinges. The sight that greets him is not a pleasing one, and Goku is beyond pissed.
The demons gape at him stupidly, one of them having gone so far as to dare to grab Konzen by the hair as they toy with him, yanking his head back in the process so that the blood is forced to run down his throat. Apparently, the beasts find it entertaining to watch a sick, defenceless human choke on his own blood.
The demons snicker and grin with cruel intent, already forgetting about the incident with the door now that they are faced with Goku's non-threatening appearance. One opens its mouth, and words in a language Goku does not understand spill forth. Goku does not care, for he knows another language, and one that does not make use of words.
Goku growls.
"Konzen's mine."
To Konzen, this claim is music to his ears.
Vulgar laughter erupts amidst the creatures, as they make fun of the foreign tongue. But the laughter dies in their throats as Goku launches his attack. Within moments, the demon once holding Konzen no longer has a mouth at all, his face crushed to a pulp.
Goku, his fist covered in gore, smiles charmingly at the remaining three demons, standing protectively over his own living treasure.
XXX
When it ends, Goku is once again covered from head to toe in red.
He approaches Konzen, dragging one surviving demon along by the hair. Goku smiles, his teeth shining miraculously white through a face splashed with blood.
"This one's for you."
With one hand, Goku pulls the banishing gun from its place in the waistband of his jeans, holding it out for Konzen.
"Here, take it. You can't let these guys get away with messin' with you like that. I saved this one for you."
Konzen can only stare at the gun in horror, his head spinning in a dizzy haze.
"Come on, Konzen."
Goku waves the gun a little, trying unsuccessfully to get Konzen to take it. Finally he just shoves the demon to the ground, pinning it there with one foot as he presses the gun into Konzen's hand, placing the muzzle against their attacker-turned-victim's head.
"Konzen, come on, just pull the trigger. It's easy."
Konzen turns his head away, his hand shaking violently as Goku steadies the gun in his grip. Seconds pass one by one, until, without warning, Goku impatiently forces Konzen's finger down on the trigger.
A spray of blood splatters up into Konzen's face as the demon is put to death.
Goku lets Konzen's hand slip off of the weapon, and waits until he finishes getting sick all over the red-stained ground, before helping him up and away from the mess.
"You shoulda shot the monster. Sanzo woulda shot 'im. He's not afraid to fight. He's not afraid to kill if he has too. Sanzo… "
"Shut up! Just shut up. I'm not Sanzo. I don't know how to live in his world. I... Will you… I need you to teach me, Goku. Teach me how to live with pain."
Konzen turns wide, imploring eyes upon Goku, his pale face streaked with blood and tears.
"Goku... help me... Please."
He looks such a pitiful sight that Goku can't help but hold him and comfort him, but when Konzen tries to turn the embrace into an urgent kiss, Goku refuses to participate in the desperate touch.
"No."
"Why?"
"I belong to Sanzo."
The deep hurt in Konzen's eyes almost makes Goku change his mind. Sanzo hadn't asked him to promise anything, but Goku feels that he owes it to Sanzo to keep their agreement, to make up for a real promise that went horribly wrong.
"I'm sorry, Konzen. But it's okay. I love you, too. It's just… different. It's like... you'll always be my sunshine, but... I'm only supposed to have one sun."
"Goku…"
"But I'll still teach you. I wanna show you Sanzo's world. And if I do, then you've gotta help me, too.You gotta come help me fight."
"Sanzo's world… it hurts, doesn't it? Then show me. I want to share it with you, Goku. I want you to… I want you to teach me pain."
Goku stands solemnly, and returns to the nearby demon dead. He bends down, retrieving some object from the ground. When he straightens, he holds a knife in his hand, the blade glittering silver in the sunlight.
XXX
When Goku sits across from Konzen and offers him the blade, Konzen just shakes his head, unable to conquer his fear enough to accept it.
"No. You. You do it."
Goku nods.
"Okay. Hold out your wrist."
Konzen complies, and watches in frightened anticipation as Goku slices the edge neatly across his skin, leaving a deep, stinging cut in its wake. Konzen gasps and tries to draw away, but Goku gently captures his hand and brings the fresh wound to his lips, carefully lapping up the blood. Konzen watches for a moment, torn between conflicting feelings of horror and hope.When the sharp pain fades to nothing more than a pleasant tingle, he leans back against the wall and relaxes into the endorphine high, pain and pleasure mixing together to dull the hurt of jealousy, rejection, and fear.
When the wound stops providing much more forhim, Goku releases Konzen's hand and picks up the knife again.
"Your turn, Konzen."
Konzen watches as Goku draws the blade slowly over his own wrist. When finished, he holds his hand up, letting the blood drip freely onto the ground. Suddenly feeling denied his right to participate, Konzen grasps Goku's wrist impatiently, and tastes his monkey's blood for himself, letting it coat his tongue and slide thickly down his throat.
Somehow, with a control born of desperation, he manages to force back the urge to vomit. To do so now would only threaten his chance at being able to share this connection with Goku.
He will take any connection with Goku that he can get, even if it is only a twisted bond of blood.
Goku locks eyes with Konzen as the blond continues to suck delicately and sensually at the wound. Be it right or wrong, Goku can't help but feel satisfied and content. He was able to help Konzen after all, and now, there is only one more thing he needs.
"So, you'll help me fight, right?"
Konzen nods his agreement, and closes his eyes, concentrating on his task. He will do whatever it takes to keep Goku. Even if it means he must learn to embrace Sanzo's terrifying world.
Even if it means he must try to become Sanzo.