Chapter Four-The Mirror to Music of the Night
Narrator-Where we last left off, Raoul was giving Christine an ungodly two minutes to get dressed...
Christine-Okay! I'll be out soon enough!
(Christine uses one of the many candles on her vanity to light up. Meanwhile, Phantom locks the door.)
Phantom-I hope she's too stoned to notice that I locked her out.
Mme. Giry-What!
Phantom-AHH! What are you doing!
Mme. Giry-I'm just spying.
Phantom-You're (BAD WORD) crazy!
Mme. Giry-I'm crazy? You have a fetish with nooses!
Phantom-Shut up.
(Phantom and Mme. Giry leave. Christine did notice that the door locked, but she had a major delayed reaction. As she goes towards the door, all the lights go out (Spooooooooooky!) and a BIG BOOMING voice begins to sing (Scaaaaaaaaaary!))
Phantom-Insolent boy, this slave of fashion, basking in your glory! Ignorant fool, this brave young suitor (what? he's not that br...never mind.) sharing in my triumph!
Christine-Angel I hear you, speak, I listen! Stay by my side, guide me! Angel, my soul was weak (how is my bloody soul weak?), forgive me! Enter at last, master. (what? I ain't nobody's slave!)
Phantom-Flattering child, you shall know me. See why in shadow I hide. Look at your face in the mirror, I am there inside!
Desiree L. Wallen's bf Ken-What the (BAD WORD)! He is inside!
Desiree-Shh! Watch the bloody thing!
Christine-OMFG! I'm a-I'm a-I'M A MAN! Dude! (Looks down.) But I'm in a skimpy white dress...and my mirror self is wearing black. (Touches face.) I'm not wearing a cool-(BAD WORD) mask!
Phantom-Come to me angel of music...
Christine-Are YOU my daddy?
(Meanwhile, Raoul realizes it's been more than two minutes.)
Raoul-C-christine! C-christine! Wh-wh-wh-who's in th-there w-w-with you? (Mutters to himself) (BAD WORD)! W-we date f-f-for t-two min-minutes and sh-she's ch-cheating on m-me already!
(Sigh. Well, basically, Phantom's singing is causing Christine to walk melodramatically into the mirror. Yes, Ken, INTO THE BLOODY MIRROR!)
Joel-God (BAD WORD)! She's stoned and making a dead fish stare!
Andrew-You could say she's being "enchanted"...
Joel-Ooh. I LIKE that. Let's use it!
Andrew-Uh-oh.
Joel-What?
Andrew-Where's the orchestra for the next song?
Joel-Oh (BAD WORD)! I don't know!
Andrew-Come on! It's nothing without the cool organ music!
Desiree and Mr. Pooch-We have a solution!
Joel-Oh! Where is this beacon of hope in my darkest hour?
(Desiree whips out her cell phone.)
Desiree-Simple, my ringtone!
Mr. Pooch-Her illegally downloaded ringtone.
Desiree-Shh! Nobody heard that...
(So yours trulys start the ringtone. On the first note in Movie-Land, Christine grasps Phantom's hand. He starts to lead her down a long hallway. Cough-rape-cough.)
Christine-In sleep he sang to me...Wow. Those arm thingys are cool man!
Phantom-What arm thingys? There's only spiders, water, and rats!
Christine-Smoke this and you will see!
(Christine hands Phantom heroin-on-a-stick. Nice. She then tosses Joel and the camera one, so the arm thingys can show up on the movie.)
Joel-Dude...are you getting this?
Camera-So...cool.
Joel-Yeah. Uh...Um...Oh yeah. Christine, finish your part!
Christine-Sweet. In dreams he came. That voice which calls to me, and speaks my name. And do I dream again, for now I find the Phantom of the opera is there inside my mind.
Phantom-Sing once again with me, our strange duet. My power over you grows stronger yet...
Christine-WHY AM I ON A (BAD WORD) HORSE!
Joel-Oh no! She's not gonna look behind when she's supposed to!
Phantom-And though you turn from me to glance behind...
(As Phantom sings this part, Joel makes Andrew tap Christine on the shoulder, so she looks behind on cue, and come back without being noticed. That is pure stealth, Mr. Webber, pure stealth.)
Joel-On second thought, she doesn't need to look behind.
Andrew-After all that! (to himself) Stupid Nipply-Batsuit Man!
Phantom-The Phantom of the Opera is there inside your mind.
Christine-You freak! Telling a poor girl that there are phantoms inside her mind! That's just wrong! Ooh! A boat!
Phantom-Yes dear, a boat! Get in and sing your part!
(Christine gets in and sits down, and Phantom starts ther boat of with a rod. A FRICKIN' ROD! You'd think he'd use something cooler, but NO, he uses a long, wooden rod!)
Christine-Those who have seen your face draw back in fear. I am the mask you wear.
Phantom-It's me they hear.
Christine and Phantom-Your spirit and my voice, in one combined, the Phantom of the Opera is there, inside-Oh (BAD WORD)!
(Amazingly, incredibly, astonishingly, insanely, can't think of any more words, an iceberg looms ahead of the boat!)
Christine-EEEK! TURN THE BOAT! TURN IT NOW! I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Phantom-I'm trying! Shut the (BAD WORD) up!
(Phantom manages to escape a head-on collision, but the iceberg manages to scrape the side of the boat. It's S-L-O-W-L-Y sinking.)
Christine-We're gonna drown! I'm gonna die a virgin!
Phantom-First of all, the water is 2-feet deep. Second of all, you're very pretty, I'm sure you'll get laid soon. Third of all, sing my angel of music!
Christine-Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Phantom-Sing for me!
Christine-Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Phantom-SING my angel!
Christine-Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Phantom-SING FOR ME!
Christine-AH!
(They hit land. Phantom and Christine jump just as the boat disappears forever.)
Christine-Whew! That was close! But I have a question. Why were there candles coming out of the water while they were lit?
Phantom-I noticed that too. Maybe we're still stoned. Let's check.
(Phantom slaps Christine.)
Christine-HEY!...That actually felt good! Now you!
(Christine slaps Phantom. Phantom slaps back. They keep slapping each other silly until...)
Phantom-Okay! Okay! I'm not stoned anymore!
Christine-Aww man! Fine!
(Joel is staring into space.)
Camera-Yo!
Joel-Oh right! Bring in the midgets for Phantom!
End of Chapter Four
Drugs Are Bad! Don't do them! Okay, I'm done. Chapter Five will be up whenever we get it up.