"POO" Chapter Six-The Snoopiness of Meg to Notes
Joel-Thank God!
Andrew-Christopher Nolan decided to put Nipply Bat-Suits in his new Batman movie?
Joel-No. (Gives puppy lip. That's so cute!) The guy is morbid. He carved 'I will not follow Mr. Schumacher' into his arm.
Andrew-Then why the bloody (BAD WORD) are you saying 'Thank God'!
Joel-I don't have to deal with Christine and her gaping dead-fish stare!
Andrew-Sometimes I wonder if you should have cast my ex-wife...
Joel-No, no, and no. Not Sarah Brightman AKA Creepy-looking Christine! She's freaky.
Andrew-Well quit your whining! I'm starting to have the tendencies of Kurt Cobain.
Joel-A grunge musical? Great idea!
(Andrew slaps Joel upside the head. Serves him right. But then again...the puppy-lip thing is too cute! Meanwhile, Dumb-Blonde Meg (Mr. Pooch-Hey! I'm blonde!) (Desiree-Sorry...) somehow has the key to the dressing room. How she got it remains a mystery, but all we know is that it's a little...conveinient.)
Meg-Christine? Are you in here? No...Oh well! She's a bad influence on me anyway. (Begins to leave. Not that bright of an idea...)
Joel-Meg...I know you want those breast implants before 'Masquerade'...
Meg-She's not in there! What else do you want? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! This stinks!
Joel-Look at the (BAD WORD) mirror!
Meg-Why? Is my hair screwed up? Is my makeup blotchy?
Joel-She is THE stereotype of a dumb blonde.
Mme. Giry-Well, um...She gets it from her father!
Joel-Who IS her father anyway?
Mme. Giry-I-I-I don't know.
Joel-(GASP!) I thought you'd say 'the late Monsieur Giry', but NO, you're a slutty-slut-slut-slut!
Mme. Giry-I'd cry, but...(she points to Meg instead.)
(Meg finally found the mirror's real purpose and spots a light. Trouble is, when she opens it, everything is very dark. Hmm...)
Meg-Eek! It's so dirty in here! AHH! Rats! They're (BAD WORD) on my new Adidas ballet slippers! And my Tiffany's ankle bracelet! Now the dripping ceiling is making my hair frizzy! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This can't get any worse!
(Mme. Giry grabs her shoulder.)
Meg-Noooooooooooo! Rapist! (Sprays her mom with pepper spray.) Oh, it's just you.
Mme. Giry-You're grounded!
Meg-I can't leave anyway! I work here!
Mme. Giry-Shut up and come with me.
(The pepper spray causes Mme. Giry to zig-zag into many of the walls on the way to the ballet girl's dressing room. But it was sloppy, so we only give her a 5. Anyway, Joseph Buquet is talking trash on Phantom.)
Buquet-Like yellow parchment is his skin. Two holes serve as the nose that never grew. (Desiree and Mr. Pooch-We beg to differ. The Phantom's sexy!) You must always be on guard, or he'll catch you with his magical lasso!
(Throws noose around a pretty girl's waist and tries to kiss her.)
Pretty Girl-Eww! Get thos nasty lips away from me, you drunken pervert!
(As Meg gets undressed, Bob peeks in throught the window and stares. I'm starting to think it's high-time Joel and Andrew killed him...)
Pretty Girl-Speaking of drunken perverts Meg...(Motions to window.)
Meg-Yikes! Shoo! Go away!
Joel-BOB!
Bob-Ugh. Fine. I'll go party with the Oompa-Loompas. (Leaves. Yea.)
Joel-I am seriously going to cut him up and feed him to rats. Oops. Did I say that out loud? Whatever people...Continue!
Mme. Giry-Those who speak of what they know...
Meg-Mom! Like OH MY GAWD! Shut up! You stink at singing!
Mme. Giry-Excuse me, I happen to be the only one in this (BAD WORD) movie that even has a French accent, even though we're in Paris! So you shut up!
Joel-On second thought, maybe Christine is better to work with...
Mme. Giry-(turns to Buquet.) Now you...(Sings all drawn out to annoy Meg.) Keep your hand at the level of your eyes. (Throws noose around his neck and tightens it. He starts to choke.) Oops! Sorry! I told you to keep your hand at the level of your eyes!
Joel-Grr...THAT'S IT! WE'RE DONE WITH ALL OF YOU FOR AWHILE! NEXT SCENE!
(Next scene, much to Joel's happiness. Christine sleeps on the insanely pretty shell bed without stockings on, much to Phantom's happiness. Not happily, she is awakened by a monkey playing symbols.)
Monkey-Help me, help me, help me count! 1, 2, 3, 4!
(Christine grabs Monkey to throw it on the ground and stomp on its head. Noooooo! She killed Monkey!)
Christine-Shut up, you (BAD WORD) primate! I have a splitting headache and the only way to remember what happened is if I sing my way through it! (Well, how else did she get the lead, covince Meg that her dead father was teaching her, land a stuttering patron for a boyfriend, and not get raped by Phantom?)
Joel-Christine, don't be a bother. Just sing. I'll give you asprin later.
Christine-Oh yay! I remember there was mist...or heroin smoke. There was mist upon a vast, glossy lake...Where am I getting these words? There were candles all around...so I could light up later. And in the lake there was a boat...that sank. And in the boat there was a man...(Turns to see Phantom.) DADDY!
Phantom-Yeah...Daddy...sure. I am old enough to be your father. Now that's scary.
Christine-Who's was the shape in the shadows? Whose is the face in the mask?
Phantom-But you just said...
(She plays with his face. She wants more, so she takes off his mask. He back-hands her into his candleabra. Ouch. One of the candles land on her dress. Good job, Phantom, now she's on fire. She jumps in the lake. Realizing she's wet and cold...and wet, she crawls back to where she was. Now they're both crying; he because his face was revealed, she because she's traumatized.)
Phantom-Damn you, you little prying Pandora! Curse you, little lying Delilah! You little viper! This is what you wanted to see! Damn you, curse you...
Christine-Yeesh! You're a crybaby! You're not nearly as distorted as THIS!
(She holds up a photograph.)
Christine-This is Michael Crawford AKA Phugly Phantom.
Desiree-I have a hat exactly like Mr. Crawford's!
Mr. Pooch-But you're not nearly as Phugly.
(Desiree smiles. Then Phantom walks around and sings.)
Phantom-Stranger than you dreamt it, did you think that I could look or dare to bear it? This repulsive gargoyle that rots in but secretly yearns for heaven, secretly. This rotting carcus that secretly dreams of beauty, but secretly. Oh Christine!
Christine-Here's your bloody mask back. Joel! Where's that asprin! His singing made my headache worse!
Phantom-You meanie! Now I'm taking you back to those morons who run my theater!
Christine-Your theater? I'm dating the guy who patrons it!
Phantom-Who? The st-st-stutterer?
Christine-Oh, shut up! Fine. You're a great singer.
Phantom-And so are you. Now let's go!
(Okay. That's that. Back to black-and-white land! Mme. Giry stands on the stairs, looking at Raoul's carriage.)
Mme. Giry-I don't get it. He must be seventy...but he looks two-hundred years old! Not to mention I'm ninety and I look sixty...
(Carriage pulls away. Raoul looks in the rearview mirror.)
Raoul-L-look! S-she's g-getting sm-smaller!
Raoul's Nurse-Yes, you idiot. That's because we're moving. Now, let the nice camera transport the audience back to 1870.
Raoul-W-what?
(Camera zooms into Raoul's eye. Big mistake, Mr. Camera.)
Raoul-Ou-ou-ouchies! T-that th-thing hit my eye!
Nurse-(SARCASM ALERT!) Gee, that really stinks! Just like how I LOVE this job and how I DON'T want you to croak for awhile!
Raoul-Y-you're s-s-so k-kind to m-me!
Nurse-Whatever. (Murmurs to herself. Ha. Murmurs is a funny word. Say it with me:MUR-MUR-S. Tee-hee! MUR-MUR! MUR-MUR!) Loser.
End of Chapter Six