POO-Chapter Seven
Notes to Prima Donna
Author: Hello, Mr. Pooch here! Just wishing everyone a happy new school year. If that's possible. If not, please try. Sorry this has taken so long! Enjoy!
Joel: I'm so happy!
Andrew: Christopher Nolan's Batman movie made less than yours?
Joel: Oh, shut up. Why does everyone seem to think I'm so obsessed with Batman?
Andrew: Well, it could be the voodoo doll we found, or the thirteen ticket stubs for each movie, or the huge box of comics. Or the bi0D
Andrew: But I like our insane retards. (thinks a second, then runs away. Go, Mr. Webber, act on your evil plan to keep the insane retards.)
Joel: Okay everybody, places and action! (to himself) Hopefully for the last time.
(Firmin enters the hall of the Opera House, taking off his gloves and his overly fluffy jacket. Two maids are scrubbing the floor with circular motions.)
Maids: Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.
Firmin: Very nice job, my dear Karate Kid obsessed maids. Very nice job. Well, now, I'm going to rap! (knock at the door)
Girl Scout: Would you like to be last time.
(Firmin enters the hall of the Opera House, taking off his gloves and his overly fluffy jacket. Two maids are scrubbing the floor with circular motions.)
Maids: Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.
Firmin: Very nice job, my dear Karate Kid obsessed maids. Very nice job. Well, now, I'm going to rap! (knock at the door)
Girl Scout: Would you like to buy some Dos-I-Dos or All Abouts, sir?
Firmin: Would I ever! Let's see, how about a box of each. My Andre simply loves your cookies! (little girl looks scared at his squeal. Gets the money and runs for her life.) How odd. Either way, time for my rap!
Firmin: Mystery after gala night, it says Mystery of soprano's flight. Mystified baffled Suerte says, mystified we suspect foul play. I wonder why anyone gives a (bad word) about an opera singer, I mean they aren't that popular in the States. Bad news on soprano's scene, first Carlotta now Christine. Personally, I thank God that they're gone, but that's just me. Still, at least the seats get sold, gossip's worth it's weight in gold. Speaking of gold, I'm supposed to get paid after this scene.
(During this next part of Firmin's rap, he does his version of the Phantom's "Rocky" move, on wet steps. Falling down, he rights himself by way of a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign. )
Firmin: What a way to run a business! Spare me these unending trials. Half your cast disappears but the crowd still cheers! Opera! To (bad word) with Gluck and Handel have a scandal and you're sure to have a hit!
Andre: (bad word-ends with "able" people)
Firmin: Ahhhhhhhhhh!(sprays pepper spray about a mile wide of Andre, hitting a random clown, who runs away crying. Poor Ronald.) Andre, darling, you scared me.
Andre: Don't try to sweet talk me, mister! I'm angry, and I will explain why in my angry rap. Will they all walk out? This is (the "able" bad word again. Andre needs to wash out his mouth with soap sometime soon. )
Firmin: Andre, please don't shout. It's publicity, and the take is vast! Free publicity…
Andre: (fiddling—hehe, funny word-with an envelope) But we have no cast!
Firmin: Andre, have you seen the queue? (noticing the envelope) Oh, it seems you have one too.
Andre: Yes, and there's writing on this side, but I can't seem to make it out.
Firmin: Well, let me try?
Andre: No! No…I'll do it, let's see.
Andre: I could see you were a man of distinction, a real big spender. Good looking, so refined. Wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? So let me get right to the point, I don't pop my cork for every guy I see. Hey Big Spender! Spend a little time with me…
Firmin: Wow
Andre: Yeah. It's a little bit odd.
Firmin: Wow.
Andre: So, ummm, that's it, besides a Hallmark stamp on the back. What does yours say?
Firmin: A mark, or yen, a buck, or a pound, a buck or a pound, a buck or a pound, is all that makes the world go around. That clinking, clanging sound. Can make the world go 'round.
Andre: Mine was worse.
Firmin: Yes, it was. It almost sounds like you have another boyfriend.
Andre: Oh, how could you even think that!
Firmin: Well, you were looking at…
Andre: (finds a good time to interrupt)Back to the letters now, darling. Who would have the gall to send this? Someone with a puerile brain!
Firmin: Andre, dear, where are you getting this words from. (sees Andre holding a dictionary) Oh, look! These are both signed of "O.G".
Andre: Could he be the guy…(trails off then finds Firmin staring at him, very angrily.)I mean…Who the heck is he?
Together: Opera ghost!
Firmin: It's really not amusing!
Andre: He's abusing our position!
Firmin: In addition he wants money.
Andre: What a funny sort of specter.
Both: Nothing clearer, he is really quite insane!
Raoul: Where is s-s-she?
Andre: You mean Carlotta? (receives a "you're so dumb" look from Firmin)
Raoul: I mean Mis-s-s Daae. Where is she?
Firmin: (coming out of a stupor) How should we know?
Raoul: I take it that you s-s-sent me this n-n-note!
Andre: We're in the dark! Of course not!
Firmin: Of course not! We're in the dark!
Raoul: Don't argue, p-pl-PLEASE! Isn't th-his the letter you wr-wrote?
Andre: And what is it that we're meant to have wrote? Written!
Firmin:(reading) I hate the French, I hate them all. (Especially you, you annoying, Christine stealing, fop!) I hate the French!
Andre: Really, why would we write this? We're French!
Raoul: Then who w-w-would?(all have on their "thinking expressions as Carlotta bursts in)
Carlotta: Where is he?
Andre: Welcome back, signora.
Carlotta: You're precious patron. Where is he?
Raoul: Oh god, not you. I hate the Italian.
Carlotta: La Carlotta is Spanish.
Raoul: Sorry, S-s-sp-spanish!
Carlotta: Not really, La Carlotta just wanted to hear you s-s-struggle over the word.
Raoul: Thanks a lot (bad word). What is it?
Carlotta: I have a letter-a letter which I rather resent.
Firmin: Did you send it?
Raoul: Maybe, hold on, let me see. (looks over it) Of course not!
Carlotta: You mean to tell me that this is not the letter you sent.
Raoul: No, the letter I sent had a funny drawling of you with a huge nose and a wart.
Carlotta: Isn't it amazing? You said that perfectly.
Raoul: N-n-no I didn't. And what is it that I'm meant to have sent? (reads letter)
Pop, squish, squish, six, uh-huh, Cicero, Lipschitz! Pop, squish, six, uh-huh, Cicero, Lipschitz! Pop, squish, six, uh-huh, Cicero, Lipschitz! Beware my wrath!
Andre: Ummm….yeah, that was the scariest one to date. Either way, let's sing-my lovely Firmin!
Firmin: Okay!
Both: Far too many notes for my taste, and most of them about Christine. All we've heard since we came is Ms.Daae's name.
Ms.Giry: Ms.Daae has returned.
All: AH! Creepy stalker-lady!
Andre: Where is she now?
Ms.Giry: I thought it best she was alone…
Meg:(With mousey voice) She needed rest!
Raoul:(Gives Meg quizzical look.) Ooooooookay...M-m-may I please s-see her?
Giry: No, sir, she will see no one.
Carlotta: Will she sing? Will she sing?
Giry: I have a note.
All: LET ME SEE IT!
Mme. Giry: (flings the note on the ground and runs away with Meg. Andre picks up the note. As he reads it, he magically gets pocessed by the Phantom, who ends up read/singing the end of the note.)
Andre: Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable matter (dictionary word) describing how my theater is to be run. You have not followed my instructions. You have one last chance.(bumbumbum)
Phantom: Christine Daae has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress. In the new production of "Il Muto", you will therefore cast Carlotta as the pageboy, and put Christine Daae in the role of countess. The role which Ms.Daae has calls for charm and appeal. The role of the Pageboy is silent, which makes my casting, in a word-ideal.
I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five which will be given to me, and not Raoul! I mean(coughs) which will be kept open for me.
Firmin: I remain, gentlemen, your obedient servant, OG.
Carlotta: Christine!
Andre: Whatever next?
Carlotta: It's all a plot to help Christine, that drugged up (bad word)!
Firmin: This is insane.
Carlotta: I know who sent this! The victome-her lover!
Raoul: Can you believe this?
Firmin: This man is mad! We don't take orders! Ms.Daae will be playing the silent role, the Pageboy!
Managers: Carlotta will be playing the lead!
Carlotta:YES! (Looks around...) La Carlotta is happy, whaddya expect?
(Yes, Carlotta walks down the hall singing and being...diva-ish. Everybody's mad.)
Carlotta:It's La Carlotta's moment to shine!
Managers:Oui, she looks devine!
Random Chick: (Yes folks, she's back!) I'm going to get some wine!
Some Guy:I'm not happy she's back! Carlotta! Meet my moon-shine!
(He moons her. Mr. Pooch, Desiree, and Ken-you know, Desiree's boyfriend-start giggiling.)
Mr. Pooch:We're immature, that's fine!
Desiree:I hope he didn't cross the line...
Ken:WHAT'S WITH THE RHYMING! Now girls, let's go dine!
Desiree:You hypocrite! But I love you, and you're still mine!
Ken:I think she casts spells on me, ugh, fine!
Mr. Pooch:Indeed, you show all the signs!
Desiree and Ken:GASP! You ruined it!
Mr. Pooch:Huh?
Carlotta:You just had to add an s, didn't you?
Mr. Pooch:Oh...(Pulls a Joel puppy-lip.)
Desiree:Aww...Poor Mr. Pooch. (HUGSIES!)
Ken:Wait...do you hear that?
Mr. Pooch:No. Wait...YES!
Desiree:It sounds so familiar!
Carlotta:La Carlotta will check it out! (She goes to the front door with her posse and opens it to find...HA-HA! CLIFFHANGER!)
(Back out of Movie-Land)
Andrew: And cut! This is where Notes breaks off into Prima Donna in my play. I need to do a couple of things with the musical number, but we'll be back up and running tomorrow. Won't we Joel?
Joel: Yes, and tomorrow, you're getting a new director!
Everyone: WHAT?
Joel: Yes! I quit! (happy dances)
Andrew: Not exactly. While you were filming, I called in and they said that after the Batman fiasco, you have to direct this movie! (evil, manaical laughter)
Joel: Noooooooooooo! We may have to do the whole song over again then.
Cast: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
And, on this emotional scene, we will leave our favorite cast until Prima Donna! HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-Ouch! We fell on those stupid stairs! Oh well, see you all next chapter!