Sorry for the delay. Sometimes, the good and the bad in life lie very close together, and both of it kept me occupied ever since the week before Christmas. So while I maybe had the time, I often didn't have the mind to go and update the story. Sorry for that. But as a little peace-offer, I give you four newchapters today, which should cover everything you missed in the meantime. From next week on, I should be back in my usual posting rhythm, meaning one update a week, probably even two.

Enjoy, and a belated Happy New Year to everyone!

Chapter 09 – Memories

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

The first thing Remus became aware of was a constant dripping sound from somewhere next to his left ear.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

It was driving him mad.

Was that water dripping down anywhere? Was it still raining? It had been raining when he and Sirius had left for their errand last night.

Sirius!

The sole thought about his friend brought back the memory of what had happened. The image of his own bloody hands pressing down on Sirius' bleeding belly seemed to be suddenly etched to the back of his eyelids and within moments Remus had scared himself wide awake.

And the dripping sound was still there.

Feeling too weak to open his eyes, Remus tried to find out what had happened and where he was.

There was this dripping sound he could not place, else there was not that much noise around him to help him find out where he was. Only the sound of somebody breathing regularly beside him.

Maybe that was Sirius.

With a huge effort, Remus opened up one eye, then the other. The first thing he saw was a blurred brightness in which nothing had a real shape at all, then slowly things got more into focus. He saw a white ceiling, yellow-coloured walls and after a moment his eyes fell onto what Sirius used to call the 'world's most ugly painting', an image of a flowery field in front of a red-orange sunset. This was clue enough for Remus to realize that he was lying in the room he usually slept in when he stayed in headquarters over night.

He turned his head slightly to find out who was there breathing beside him and with a small stab of disappointment and newly powered panic realized that it was not Sirius, but James. His friend seemed to sleep in what had to be quite an uncomfortable position sitting on a chair next to his bed, his head fallen slightly to the side.

The dripping sound that was driving him so mad came from what looked like an IV-drip on the other side of his bed, but as far as Remus knew wizards hardly ever used those. He'd have to find out later, but first he needed to know something else. He turned his head back to where his friend sat.

"James?"

Remus was shocked at how weak his own voice sounded, but it seemingly was strong enough to rouse James. Brown eyes fluttered open and James took a moment to orient himself. As his eyes settled on Remus, a relieved smile immediately crossed over his face.

"Remus, how are you feeling?"

Remus shook his head, too weak to waste his breath on telling his friend that he was fine and that it wasn't all that important now as he'd rather know what had happened to Sirius.

"Sirius?"

It wasn't the most eloquent Remus had ever spoken, but it seemed to serve its purpose as immediately a worried frown showed on James' face.

"Maybe I should call up Madam Pomfrey and tell her that you're awake again, she said she wanted to know…"

Remus shook his head as forcefully as he could, not able to completely ignore the pain this caused him. Why was James trying to evade him?

"Sirius?"

With a sigh, James leaned back in his chair and tiredly rubbed his eyes.

"James?"

James sighed again. Remus was nearly frantic by now. If nothing was wrong with Sirius then James would not act like he did now. What had happened? Had he not managed to keep him alive long enough? Had he failed and Sirius was…

"He's at St. Mungo's. It's been a close call, but he's alive and stable for now, that at least is something. Took long enough to get him there. The doctors don't understand why he made it, though, they say that he had lost far too much blood to be still alive."

Remus could have cried in relief that Sirius was still alive, but something in James' voice made him feel slightly uneasy.

"Remus, don't you ever do something like this again, hear me? When the alarms went off and I knew that it had to be Sirius and you, I thought I'd get a heart-failure. And then Kingsley and I could not get there immediately because the whole bloody area was suddenly blocked against portkeys and warded against apparition."

Remus grimaced.

"That was part of our problem, yes."

"When we finally arrived there and found you slumped down over Sirius, none of you moving and all this blood everywhere…gosh, I thought that the both of you were dead! I think I aged ten years in that one single moment."

"What happened?"

James remained silent for a long moment, but Remus didn't interrupt him. He had the feeling that there was a bit more to the whole story than he knew by now, and he had the feeling that it was quite difficult for James to talk about it all. After quite some time, James continued.

"I pulled you away from Sirius and you were…I don't know, it was scary. You had blood all over you and I didn't know if it was yours or Sirius'. Your eyes were all glazy and unfocussed, you were barely breathing, and no matter how much I shouted at you or shook you, you simply didn't respond to anything, you just stared ahead. Kingsley took care of Sirius, and from what I saw he didn't think he'd make it. Even the doctors later said it was a miracle that he was still alive. We brought the two of you to St. Mungo's as fast as possible."

Remus looked at James and was startled when he saw the tears in his otherwise so composed friend's eyes. He had seen James cry only a couple of times, and hardly ever when he had been afraid or upset. The only time Remus could remember seeing James cry at all without thinking very hard had been in the delivery room when he had first held Harry in his arms, and even then it had been tears of joy.

"James?"

James quickly focused his eyes again.

"You nearly died shortly after we arrived at St. Mungo's. Just stopped breathing, had a complete circulation failure, something the doctors could not explain either. You had lost blood, but not nearly enough to explain your condition."

When James didn't continue, Remus rose a questioning eyebrow.

"What happened?"

"You don't know what you did?"

Remus frowned. "What I did?"

James nodded and moved closer to Remus' bed, taking his right hand into his own. Remus was a bit startled at the unexpected physical contact. Though James had never shied away from him like so many others had done due to his lycanthropy, he also wasn't the kind of person to hold a friend's hand all of a sudden.

"James?"

"Remus, you were keeping Sirius alive for so long."

Remus frowned. "Why, yes. At least I tried. I couldn't stop the bleeding, but I think I at least restricted it a bit until you came."

"No, that's not what I mean. The doctors said that somehow, while you tried to stop Sirius' bleeding, you transferred some of your own strength into him when he didn't have any of his own left. That's what kept him alive for so long. Healers sometimes do that in dire situations, and at St. Mungo's they said you must have done it instinctively. Only you were never trained to do it. So you poured so much of your own strength into Sirius that you had hardly anything left to keep your own circulation going. At least that's the only explanation the doctors could come up with after they examined the both of you more closely."

Remus closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Somehow, he was not all that surprised by what James had said. He had not consciously done it, of course, but it made sense.

"I didn't know I was doing that."

"But you did. You saved his life, Remus", James continued in a voice that wasn't much above a whisper, "you saved his life and nearly killed yourself in the process."

And then James startled Remus even more as he bent down and carefully gathered his friend up in a tight hug, though he stayed mindful of the IV-drip. "I don't know what you've done or how you've done it, but whatever it was I can't thank you enough for it. Just don't ever do something like this again, all right? You scared the crap out of me there."
Remus' mind was still abuzz with questions, and when James helped him to lie down again he took the chance to ask them.

"How come I am here and not at St. Mungo's?"

James shrugged.

"The doctors healed your wounds and filled you up with reviving tonics and strengthening potions, and after a couple of hours you were stabilized, much unlike Sirius. The healers said as long as we kept watching you and gave you enough of those nourishment and strengthening potions", he gestured at the IV-drip, "you'd be all right. Albus didn't want to have two Order members at St. Mungo's so shortly after a Death Eater attack, you were easier to watch over here at the headquarters. And the healers wouldn't let us move Sirius, so we brought you home."

Remus nodded. Again, that made sense. The members of the Order could not be careful enough, and having two members in the hospital at the same time would demand too much personnel to keep guard over them. Each known member of the Order of the Phoenix was high up on Voldemort's wanted list, and public places like a hospitals always were a source of danger. Death Eater was not a job description, and whatever Voldemort's followers did when they were not out there in their hoods and masks nobody knew. There were simply too many nurses and doctors working at St. Mungo's to keep track of them all.

But something else had struck him.

"Did you just say 'after a couple of hours'? How long was I out? And what's that about Sirius not being in a stable condition, didn't you say he was stable for now?"

Remus struggled to get into a sitting position, but James held him down.

"Relax, Remus. You've been unconscious for the better part of two days. Sirius' condition wasn't really stable until this afternoon. I've only come back from the hospital an hour ago, after the doctors had told me that he was finally out of the woods."

For the first time since waking up Remus noticed that James looked as if he hadn't slept much during the past days. He wasn't shaved, on the contrary there were at least two days worth of dark stubble on his face, his eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by dark rings, and his robes were crumpled. There were lines around his eyes which Remus thought had not been there before, but he could not tell for sure. But that would also explain why James had been sleeping when Remus had woken up.

"Sirius is awake?"

James shook his head. "Not yet. Kingsley is guarding him now, practically threw me out of the hospital and told me to go home and get some sleep."

Remus smiled. "And instead of doing so you came here and hurt your back because you sleep in a chair? I'm flattered, James." He grimaced slightly. "Could we maybe do something about that IV-drip? This sound is slowly driving me insane."

James grimaced in sympathy. To him the dripping sound was not a real problem, but he knew how sensitive Remus' hearing was.

"I'll send Lily up in a moment, I think she's the only one here who knows how to do it. Knowing my luck, I'd only give you an arterial bleeding if I tried to pull that thing out."

Remus' face remained serious.

"James, it was a trap. They knew that we'd be there, and they knew what we were up to, so they waited until we were in the best position for them to attack. They had concealed themselves as if they knew what spells we'd use to try and find any possible traps and ambushes, and they patiently waited until we had placed most spells, just as if they were waiting to find out if there was something new we were using. And we just couldn't detect them with any of the spells we used. Some of those spells our people modified especially so that we'd detect every possible danger. And they knew that we'd try to get out by portkey, otherwise they'd not have bothered to block the whole area. They knew too much, they simply knew too much. Somebody must have told them."

James nodded.

"Yes, that's what we think as well. Though Albus will still want to hear from the two of you how exactly it all happened. But we're convinced that somebody must have talked."

"James, so few people knew what we'd be up to that night. I can't see any of them being a traitor."

"Maybe it was Dumbledore's informant."

Remus nodded. "Maybe." But he knew that neither he nor James really believed that to be a possibility. The informant might have known that they'd investigate the hideout at some point, but neither had he known when, nor could he have had the inside information somebody had obviously passed on to the Death Eaters. But at the moment Remus felt too drained to think about who of their trusted friends might betray them. He tried to change the topic, but James beat him to it.

"Do you need something? Something to drink, something to eat, anything else?"

Remus smiled. "Something to drink would be great."

James got up from his chair.

"I'll fetch you something and ask Lily if she can do something about that IV-drip. I'll be back in a moment."

"Prongs?"

James was already at the door before he turned around.

"Yes?"

"Not that I don't appreciate your presence, but why don't you lie down and get some sleep? You look horrible, if you don't mind me saying."

James smiled and nodded.

"I guess you're right. I'll drop by later. Good night, Moony."
"Night."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Five minutes later, there was a knock on Remus' door and Lily entered the room, levitating a tray in front of her and much to Remus' delight balancing Harry on her hip. The nearly one year old child struggled against his mother's hold as soon as he recognized Remus.

"Moo'y! Moo'y!"

Lily smiled apologetically. "Sorry, but at the moment there's nobody here who could watch Harry for a moment, and I wouldn't want him crawling around on his own down there. I swear, that kid is just like his father, he tries to eat anything that doesn't crawl faster than him. But I can bring him over to James if you don't feel up to him."

Remus just shook his head.

"No, let James sleep. Just leave Harry here."

"You sure you're up to handling him? Harry is a handful, you know that."

Remus only smiled and stretched out his arms. Lily handed the child over before she deposited the tray on Remus' bedside table. Remus smiled down at the child in his arms.

"Hiya pup, how are you?"

Harry smiled a still rather toothless smile up at Remus and squealed delightedly as Remus tickled him along the ribcage. Lily picked up Remus' hand and before he knew what was happening she had removed the needle from out his hand and was putting a band-aid onto the small puncture wound.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. I don't know why James was mumbling something about giving you a serious blood-loss if he tried it, I think he was just chickening out, the big baby. I brought you something to drink and also some broth. You should take it easy on the food for a bit the healer said."
"Oh joy!" Remus grimaced but thankfully took the glass of water Lily handed him and gulped it down, then picked up the spoon and started on the broth which was a bit difficult with Harry hopping up and down on his lap. Nevertheless he refused to let Lily take him, cherishing the time he could spend with the little child. But when he was finished eating his eyes were threatening to drop close again, and Lily picked Harry out of his arms and drew the curtains closed.

"Sleep some more now, okay? That one was a bit close for comfort, you know?"

Remus nodded. "Yes, I know. Wake me if you have any news on Sirius, all right?"

"Promise. Sleep well."

"Good night, Lily."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

It took four more days until Sirius woke up, an endless stretch of time as it seemed to Remus. He refused to keep lying in bed doing nothing after slightly less than another two days, and he spent the remaining time nearly without interruption at Sirius' bedside in St. Mungo's Hospital of Magical Maladies. But still it was during one of the few hours when Remus was forcefully sent away to get some hours of sleep ("In a bed, chairs don't count", James had reasoned) that Sirius finally woke up. James was sitting by his friend's bedside as the blue eyes flickered open for the first time in nearly a week, and he couldn't have hidden his relief even if he had wanted it.

"Padfoot?"

Tiredly and slowly, Sirius focussed his eyes on James and seemed to think for a moment, as if trying to remember if that was his name.

"Yeah?"

His voice was barely above a whisper, and James could see in his friend's eyes how much that slight sign of weakness already irritated Sirius.

"How are you feeling?"

Sirius did a small eye-roll. "Wondering why I'm not dead. I sure feel like it. What happened?"

"Well, that you're not dead is a small wonder in itself, and you ought to thank Remus for it actually."

"Remus?" Sirius all of a sudden looked around worriedly. "Where is he? Is he all right?"

James put a hand on Sirius' shoulder and pushed him down into the pillows again.

"Remus is all right. He's at the headquarters at the moment, getting some sleep. It was a bit hard to tear him away from your bedside during the past couple of days."

"He didn't get hurt?"

James shook his head and shrugged at the same time.

"A couple of wounds on his right arm and hand from a cutting spell, but nowhere near as dangerous as what you've been through. He exhausted himself a bit, though."

Sirius cocked his head in silent question and with a mental sigh James asked himself why it was always him who had to do the lengthy explanations.

"You remember what happened to you?"

"I got stabbed, if I remember right."

James' expression darkened.

"Yes, you did. The bastard cut straight into your abdominal artery. That was the worst, though not the only injury the blade caused."

Sirius frowned, thinking back for a moment. "Then I can only repeat: why am I still alive? With that place blocked for portkeys, you can't have arrived in time, no matter what Remus did. I'm not a doctor, but I would think I should have bled to death long before help arrived."

James sighed and tiredly rubbed his eyes.

"Yes, you should have. But when we arrived there, you were still alive, although barely. And strangely enough Remus was pretty close to dying as well, though his injuries were nowhere near as bad as yours."

"What happened, Jamie?"

Concern had crept into Sirius' voice almost immediately upon hearing what James said about Remus. With a sad smile James shifted around on his uncomfortable chair, trying to find a good way to answer his best friend's question. Strangely, it had been a lot easier to explain this to Remus, but to Sirius it was another matter. James knew better than anybody else how protective Sirius was of his friends, and if he found out that Remus had nearly given his life to keep Sirius amongst the living he knew that a rather large bout of self-accusations was bound to follow.

"I don't think Remus was aware of what he was doing, but while he tried to stop your bleeding he started transferring his own strength into you to keep you alive. Without it you'd not have survived until Kingsley and I brought you here. Only, Remus used so much of his own resources on you that he nearly didn't have enough left to keep himself going."

There was definite worry in Sirius' blue eyes now.

"Remus is all right, isn't he?"

James nodded reassuringly.

"He is." James immediately realized that Sirius still didn't quite believe him. "I promise. He left about two hours ago, and knowing him I guess he'll be back in another two or three hours. He's still a bit weak, but it's nothing serious."

Aside from all the bantering and light-hearted teasing that normally characterized their friendship, Sirius knew that James would not lie to him about something as serious as this. And he wouldn't bend the truth for him just because he was physically exhausted. If James said that Remus was all right, then Remus was all right, Sirius knew that. James continued to watch Sirius for quite a long time with an unreadable expression, until Sirius started squirming because he felt a bit uncomfortable under that gaze.

"What's wrong, Jamie?"

James waited for a long moment before he answered, as much to search for the right words as to get his emotions back under control.

"I thought you were dead, Padfoot." James drew in a slightly shuddering breath and looked away for a moment to stop himself from crying. He was irritated how soppy he had gotten during the past days. First he had nearly bawled his eyes out at Remus' bedside, and now he was close to breaking into tears again. But somehow he also felt that if he didn't react like that when two of his best friends had just knocked on Death's door, he was only one step away from becoming like…well, like Snape. A scary thought.

"When I found you there, Remus was slumped down over you, none of you was moving and everything was full of blood. I thought you were dead", he repeated almost too lowly for Sirius to hear. He bit his lip, a sure sign that something was bothering him. "I'm not really ready to lose you yet. Or anytime else for that matter. I was scared I had lost you."

Sirius closed his eyes and breathed deeply a couple of times. He had always claimed not to be afraid of dying, especially if it was for something he deemed worth fighting and dying for, but now that James told him what had happened to him he realized that this was not entirely true. He wasn't scared of dying as such, that much was true. But the thought that he had nearly taken Remus' life because his friend had tried to save him, as well as the thought that James was so shocked and devastated by what had happened shook Sirius deeply.

Weakly, he stretched out his arm and pulled James close.

James was acting carefully, trying not to jar his friend's injuries, but he hugged Sirius tightly.

"Don't do that again, Padfoot. Please don't do that again."

"Life is dangerous, Prongs. You know that I can't promise you that something like this won't happen again. I can't promise that I won't die. But I'll promise I'll be careful, all right?"

James nodded into his shoulder, then released him and grinned somewhat sheepishly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to get all soppy here."

Sirius grinned. "If it's any consolation, it wasn't as bad as when you got all worked up about not knowing if you'd be a good father a couple of weeks before Harry was born. That one back then was way worse."

"I don't know. Somehow, I can hardly remember anything from that night on account of somebody filling me up with Odgeon's Firewhiskey until I couldn't even remember my own name."

Sirius laughed lowly.

"Oh, I'll never forget Lily's withering looks when I deposited her half-drunk, half-hungover husband into her bedroom the next morning. I thought for sure she was going to hex me, just as if I was to blame for your state."

"Padfoot, you were responsible for my state."

Sirius tried to look indignant. "But she could not have known that!"

James only shook his head, a smile stealing across his features. "I'd say she judged it from the precedents, and then it had always been your fault."

"Prongs, old buddy, I don't know if anybody ever told you, but ever since you're married you simply aren't fun anymore."

Both men looked at each other, fighting down their urge to laugh out loud. After a while, James got up from his chair.

"I'll get a healer to check you through and fire-call headquarters to tell them that you woke up. I'll be back in a moment. It's good to have you back, Sirius."

With a smile he left the room.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

It was about an hour later, James had only just returned into Sirius' room after the doctors had checked Sirius through over and over again, when suddenly there was a knock on the door.

Frowning, James turned around, his hand moving to where he kept his wand in his sleeve.

"Yes?"

The door opened and Remus appeared. He looked as if he had hurried quite much to get here, and his hair was still tousled from when he had been sleeping. In his arms, he carried an obviously fast asleep Harry.

"Hi." He smiled as he looked at Sirius and found his friend indeed to be awake. Sirius smiled back, only James looked a bit startled.

"Remus? I thought you were getting some more hours of sleep. And what is Harry doing here?"

Remus sat down on the other side of bed and shifted Harry slightly against his chest.

"Alastor literally yelled me awake after you called, and as I was awake anyway after that I saw no use in sitting around in headquarters with nothing to do. And I had to bring Harry because nobody else was at headquarters. Lily had to leave for Hogwarts, and Arthur was called to the Ministry. So it was either bringing him or leaving him with Mad Eye and Dung."
James shuddered visibly at the thought of his beloved son in the hands of Alastor 'Mad Eye' Moody. Not that he didn't like Moody, but Merlin only knew what he would do to Harry if one of his fits of paranoia overcame him. And Mundungus Fletcher…James didn't want to think about that either. Most probably his son would have accidentally ended up in a load of contraband on its way to Ireland or Norway

"No, you're right. That would not have been good."

Remus turned towards Sirius.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

Sirius shrugged slightly. "I was quite fine, until those healers started brandishing their wands over me. Now I got a headache and I'm actually quite hungry."
James got up from his chair.
"Why didn't you say anything? I'll get you something to eat. Shall I take Harry?"

Remus shook his head.

"No, he's sleeping soundly. Just leave him here."

With a nod, James left the room and Remus turned back to Sirius.

"You're really feeling all right?"
Sirius nodded. "Sure. Thanks to you, from what James told me."

Remus quickly shook his head.

"Sirius, please don't. I didn't even know what it was I was doing. I'm only glad that it worked out, for a moment there I thought I'd not be able to help you. You gave me quite the scare, you know? I'd appreciate it if I never had to see anything like this again. I can't remember that I've ever been so scared in my life."

"Sorry."

Remus waved him off. "It's not your fault. I just don't want to get in such a situation ever again."

"Me neither."

Remus looked down as suddenly the bundle in his arms began to shift around. A delighted smile immediately started to spread across Sirius' face. A moment later Harry opened up his green eyes and stared curiously at Remus. But when his eyes darted across the room and fell onto his godfather on the bed he forgot everything else.
"Paf! Paf!" Harry clapped his hands excitedly and stretched his arms out in the universal toddler demand to be picked up.

"Harry missed you really much, it was a heartbreaking sight. Drove James and Lily pretty nuts, I can tell you." Remus tightened his hold on the squirming child as Sirius reached for Harry. "Are you sure it's a good idea for you to hold him just yet?"

But Sirius only shook his head and picked Harry out of Remus' arms. The small child immediately stopped his struggles and allowed himself to be held close by his godfather. Remus smiled at the sight. Harry of course loved being cuddled and cared for by his parents, and he had never shied away from any of their friends or colleagues when they had seen the child, but his attachment to Sirius was incredibly strong. Whenever his godfather was around, Harry forgot everything else, his parents included. It was something that never failed to make Remus smile and that was slowly driving James insane. Harry's extreme affection for and attachment to Sirius was only bested by Sirius' own love for the child. Just now, an extremely large smile started to show on Sirius' face as he looked at his godson.

"Hiya Harry."
"Paf!" Harry's chubby arms reached for Sirius' shirt and with a smile Sirius tickled the child. Harry squealed loudly and fell back onto the blanket under his godfather's merciless attack. A couple of minutes passed like this, then the door opened and James reappeared, a tray with some food in his hands. Upon seeing Harry lying on top of Sirius he only rolled his eyes.

"I should have known. Sirius, do you think it is wise to have Harry jump around on your stomach again already? In case you hadn't noticed, the large red line across your belly is a freshly healed scar from a near-fatal stab-wound. In case you hadn't seen it yet, Harry's knees are level with it at the moment."

Sirius ignored James and the slightly scolding tone of his best friend, he merely waved his hand at him. "Let me hold my godson, all right?"

James shook his head and sat back down in his previously vacated chair.

"I swear, if I didn't know it for sure, I'd ask myself whether godson is the appropriate expression here."

Sirius laughed. "No chance, Jamie. Kid's got your hair, poor sod, nobody else has hair like that."

"I just want you to know that my father had hair like that. It's family heritage."

Sirius snorted. "Doesn't make it better, Prongs. Not at all. Where's Wormtail?"

"Was sent to Ireland the day after the two of you were attacked. He tried to argue about it with his boss but to no avail. But he fire-calls at least three times a day to ask how the two of you are doing. He'll be back as soon as he can."

Sirius smiled weakly.

"Pity. Would have been nice to have all the Marauders together again for a change. We hardly see each other anymore outside of headquarters. But tell him that he doesn't need to worry, all right?"

James nodded reluctantly, and so did Remus. Sirius could easily say that. He had been unconscious while the rest of them had been worrying themselves sick for nearly a week. Remus had seen how worried Peter had been after he had gotten to know that Remus and Sirius had been ambushed. Wormtail had been nothing but a bundle of nerves ever since then, even more so than he normally was. And when he had called up during the past day he had not looked all that well, either. Peter was always pale and easily scared, but during the past weeks there had been huge shadows underneath his eyes and his face had lost some of its formerly everlasting chubbiness.

No matter how strongly the war had raged around them before, it had never struck as closely home to any of them before, and all four of them realized how much this was about to change them. They weren't invincible anymore – if they had ever been – and as Remus was now watching the pale form of his friend on the bed he realized how much that thought scared him. He was not ready to lose any of the people close to him, and especially not to this senseless war.
Not if he could do anything to prevent it.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Remus didn't really like it when he lost himself in those memories. He remembered all too well the horrible mixture of feelings he had been through upon waking up at headquarters and realizing that Sirius was not with him. And he remembered the days and days of waiting for him to wake up. It was one thing to have the healers tell him that Sirius would probably survive, and another entirely to finally see him awake again. It had been a horrible week, the worst days Remus had been through. It had been James who had told him about the afternoon when Sirius had woken up again, Remus actually regretted that he had not been there.

But all in all, those memories were far too painful to keep brooding about them. Sirius had been alive back then, and so had James and Lily been. Peter had not yet been revealed as a traitor, and Remus' life had had a meaning. Now, everything was different. Right now, everything was simply senseless, he was merely existing rather than living. He couldn't stand that, he just couldn't. So he was actually a bit glad when he heard the door to the kitchen behind him. He didn't mind the small interruption, he had been through those memories over and over again throughout the past month. And it didn't make them better, on the contrary. But somebody else who was up at this time of night might ask Remus what had driven him down here, and he was definitely not in the mood for explanations.

The door closed again and steps walked up towards the kitchen counter. Though Remus still had his eyes fixed on his teacup, he only had to take a short look to recognize Arthur. Remus didn't know what brought Arthur down her so late at night, but he silently watched how the man poured himself a cup tea and sat down on the table facing him. Remus looked up and forced himself to smile.

"Can't sleep?", he asked and Arthur shook his head.

"No, not really", he answered. "Too much going through my head at the moment."

Yes, that could keep one from getting a good night's sleep, Remus knew that better than probably anyone else here in the house. One look at the slightly older man's face told Remus that Arthur was seriously bothered by something. And no matter how many problems Remus himself was struggling with, he couldn't stand to see somebody else struggling with something if there was the slightest chance that he could help. Most people found it easy to talk to Remus for some reason, and he did his best to always have an open ear for others. And he could imagine fairly well what it was that was bothering Arthur so much. After all, they had spent quite a lot of time together over the past years, and he knew Arthur quite well by now.

"It's Percy, isn't it?"

Arthur stared down at his hands for a moment, then he slowly nodded.

"Yes, that's one thing. Percy is always on my mind lately, no matter that it's been over a year since he moved out. And now that the war is about to start and we're all in the middle of it…"

He shook his head and tried to hide how his breath was hitching slightly from Remus. Remus did notice, but he didn't comment on it. But also he didn't know what to say to possibly console Arthur. Percy had made a decision, maybe he had thought he was doing the right thing or was even now still convinced of it. Be that as it may, there was nothing anybody could do to remedy the situation until Percy came around again. He was the one to make the first step, nobody could push him to it. And until that happened, the Weasleys would have to live with the situation, sad as it was.

Arthur seemingly thought along the same lines, because he smiled unconvincingly and looked up at Remus. It was obvious that he wanted to change the topic, only Remus didn't know if he'd like the direction this was pushing their conversation into.

"And what keeps you up so late?"

Remus shrugged and gulped down his tea. He didn't answer the question, but for Arthur that seemed answer enough. He looked at Remus for a long time, and his gaze told the younger man enough about what was going through his head. It was obvious to everybody that he had changed after Sirius' death, Remus knew that. Probably nobody guessed just how deep his hurt was truly running, and they all might think that it was solely grief for his last remaining friend that was plaguing him. That was not entirely right, but for him even that was too big a revelation of what was going on inside of him. He didn't particularly like it when others knew about his weaknesses, that was why he had built up his stony defences in the first place.

"It's what happened to Sirius, right? It doesn't let you sleep."

Too close to the truth, even if Arthur might not know it. It stung Remus that he was obviously read that easily by others, and as an answer he barely managed a shrug at first. Under the table however, he was nervously twisting his hands, one hand rubbing the back of the other. He only hoped that Arthur would realize that he didn't want to have that conversation at all.

"That might be some part of it, but it's nothing to worry about. I just couldn't sleep, that's all."

"Somehow, I don't believe this is the first night you spend brooding down here in the kitchen."

Again, Remus only shrugged. He didn't want to talk about this now, so he got up from his chair and placed his empty teacup into the sink. Arthur turned so that he could keep looking at Remus and seemed to struggle for the right words for a moment.

"Remus, I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk, I'll be there to listen."

Remus, already on his way to the door, turned around.

"I don't know what talking about it would bring. I don't know if there is anything to talk about. But thank you for the offer. Good night, Arthur."

"Good night."

Remus barely heard the last words because he had already closed the kitchen door behind himself. Slowly, he made his way up to his room again. He would find no more sleep this night, that he was sure of, but with Arthur present he'd not feel comfortable to spend his night in the kitchen like he usually did. It was a bit unfair, he knew. Arthur worried about him, only wanted to help, and Remus really liked the other man. But he simply could not talk about what was bothering him of late, mainly because he didn't know the real reason himself. He was grieving for his friend, that much was obvious. But it didn't explain all of what was going on with him. The nightmares maybe, but neither their content nor the sudden frequency with which they appeared. Not to mention his physical symptoms. His listlessness, his lacking appetite which had caused him to lose rather much weight over the past weeks. And there hadn't been awfully much weight to begin with. But that would be a proper explanation as to why he was constantly either feeling dizzy or having headaches.

As he closed the bedroom door behind himself, Remus tried to shake those unpleasant thoughts away. Brooding too much could also be a cause of his headaches. Instead, he picked up his reading glasses from the desk, pulled a book from the shelf and settled on the bed to read it.