Chapter 13 – A Difficult Parting

When Remus woke up the next morning he had a blazing headache and slight problems to remember where he was and how he had gotten there – his classic reaction to taking a sleeping potion. The headache would subside in the next half hour, that much he knew, and looking over the clothes strewn on the floor around the suitcase he had no problems remembering where he was and what had happened anymore.

With a sigh he pushed himself out of the bed and walked across the corridor into the bathroom. Nothing like a long hot shower to start another unpleasant day.

It irked him a bit to admit it, but Albus had been right. Getting more than a couple of hours light sleep had done him a world of good this night. He felt better than he had in a long time, though he knew it was still miles away from what he would define as feeling good. He had been miles away from that feeling ever since Sirius had died. To be precise, he had not felt really good ever since the nightmare of the first war had started all those years ago.

Nevertheless, the potion had helped. One more reason not to take any again. After James' and Lily's death he had learned the hard way that sleeping potions did not take away the nightmares or worries at night, they only delayed them until the time when the potion was no longer taken. Which could be quite a long time considering that those potions – especially the stronger ones – were highly addictive. No, Remus had absolutely no intention to repeat his struggle from back then, the constant battle between not sleeping at all and buying his sleep at a probably very high prize.

When Remus returned to his room after an indeed very long hot shower he was not in the slightest surprised to find Albus Dumbledore sitting in the armchair next to the window, waiting for him. Remus greeted him with a nod of the head, but took his time with placing his clothes on a chair and sitting down on another one before he turned his attention to the old wizard again.

"Good morning, Albus."
"Good morning, Remus. I trust you slept well for a change?"
Remus nodded.

"Yes, I did indeed."

A silence settled between the two men for some minutes. Remus didn't break it, in fact he was waiting for Dumbledore to do so, knowing fully well what the headmaster had come to see him for. Only he didn't know what he would say, not even what he should think.

"Do you still plan on leaving, Remus?"
Remus shrugged half-heartedly and tilted his head to the side.

"Truth be told? I don't know, Albus. I simply don't know. I haven't come to completely new conclusions if that's what you mean. I'm still weary and I still don't see any sense in going on, but on the other hand I don't know what walking away would help. That war is going to get to all of us sooner or later, maybe it's better not to run away from it. Maybe it's better to get it over and done with as soon as possible."

Dumbledore watched Remus for a long time, his blue eyes not betraying what was going on in his mind.

"Did you know that nearly sixteen years back, James came to me with quite a similar problem?"

Remus raised his head, astonishment showing clearly on his face.

"What kind of problem?"
"That he didn't know what the sense in going on was."

Remus frowned, trying to imagine that being possible. Not James, his friend had always been so sure of himself and of his aims in life, Remus simply could not imagine him seeking out Dumbledore in a moment of crisis. It surprised him a bit that James had not gone to Sirius in such a situation, but then again Sirius had not been the best counsellor when it came to reason. Sirius had been a good listener, no doubt about that, and he had loved James dearly, but there was something about Sirius – his honest conviction that no matter what it was, but doing something was absolutely necessary, maybe even his devil-may-care attitude – but Sirius had not been the ideal partner to talk about fears and doubts like the ones Remus was experiencing now. Sirius probably never had had those doubts and fears, and even if he had had them he had never let them show. Remus understood that there were some things James might have sought someone else out for to talk about.

"It was a couple of days after Sirius and you got into that ambush and nearly died. James came to see me at Hogwarts, completely beside himself. I don't think he really sought my advice, he merely searched for somebody to listen to him and tell him whether he was being completely unreasonable, and in the end he gave him all the answers himself. Seeing two of his closest friends knock on death's door seemingly led him to think about the war and his role in it all."
"What did he say?"
Despite Remus' inability to imagine this, what Dumbledore had said had sparked his curiosity.

"He said that he didn't see the sense in fighting this was every day without the hope of it ever being over. Without a single trace of hope that we'd succeed. It was the first time I heard James admit that he was actually afraid of what could happen to Lily, Harry or him. Or to his friends. He said over and over again that now with Harry born making sure the child was safe was his priority and that he could not guarantee that in a war-ridden country. James actually said something about leaving England."
"He did?"
Remus' eyebrows shot up. He had never heard James utter such a thought aloud, not even when the war desperation had been at its peak. Dumbledore nodded.

"He did indeed. He told me every single argument he could find for why it would be better just to leave the country and raise Harry somewhere safe. And it didn't take him long to come to the conclusion that this would be exactly the wrong thing to do.

Remus, what we are doing here is not only trying to save our world. Back then as well as today it is our only choice to fight this war because we owe it, if not to ourselves then to our children. James saw that he could not run away from a problem that would catch up with him – and thus with Harry – sooner or later anyway. He saw the need to fight Voldemort for as long as he could because that was the only way to guarantee Harry a safe future. And not only Harry.

I know that you don't have children, and maybe you have even been partially right with what you said about Harry last night. The two of you might not be close, he might have others who care for him, but that doesn't mean that you don't have any responsibility towards him. Or towards your former students. Or am I wrong in assuming that you were the one to teach them that standing up against something that is wrong might be the only choice that is left to us, and if it was then we had to do it, no matter how insignificant the changes we could achieve might seem? I see those children every day during the school year and I for one am not ready to leave a single one of them unprotected in a world in which Voldemort is still alive. I don't know if I'll be able to change something, I don't know if we will manage to kill Voldemort, I simply don't know it, Remus. Nobody does, and nobody can make promises. But we have to try it."

"And all end up as martyrs like James?"

Again, Dumbledore only looked at Remus.

"James is no martyr, Remus, and he never was. He didn't chose to die like that so that people would remember his name and draw strength from the memory of what he went through. James is a victim, no matter what the press made out of his and Lily's death after Voldemort vanished. Had it not been for Lily's protection over Harry that brought Voldemort down, had it not been for all the media attention after that Halloween night, things would have looked different. For somebody who was not his friend – unlike you – James would have been merely another faceless name on the list of Voldemort's victims. That's what Voldemort reduces us to if we allow him to continue. That is what you become if you give up now."

Remus allowed that thought to settle in his mind, letting it roll around in search of a possible answer to it, but Dumbledore continued.

"I remember that I once told Harry the same thing I told James back when he sought me out. Harry and I were talking about Voldemort and why people chose to follow him, and I told him that for all of us there comes a point when we have to chose between what is right and what is easy. I don't think Harry truly understood it, I don't think he can understand it before he himself is faced with the impact of what that could mean. But I think you do know that very well, don't you Remus? Because you have been faced with that question more than once in your life, and now you are faced with it again. Running away and leaving others to deal with the problems is the easy choice, but I doubt it is the right one. As much as I doubt that you are somebody who could live with choosing the easy over the right."

Remus leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hands.

"And what if I stay? What would it change?"

"Maybe nothing, maybe everything. I'm not a clairvoyant, Remus. I only know that I think it would be better for you if you stayed here. And I think it would be better for the Order as well. But the choice is yours, Remus. If you fail to see the reason of fighting against Voldemort, then nobody here can stop you."

Remus laughed harshly and let his hands drop into his lap.

"It's not that I fail to see the reasons, Albus. I know why Voldemort must not be allowed to succeed, if somebody knows then it's me. I simply don't know how useful I can be here. Let's face it, we've danced around without mentioning it since yesterday evening. I am a scholar, not a fighter. I am not of much use when it comes to battling Death Eaters or infiltrating Voldemort's ranks, there are many others who are far more useful when it comes to that. And I don't really have a secure standing here in the Order. Severus despises me, he distrusts me. And knowing how important Severus is in all our plans I simply think it would be wiser for me to leave. You cannot deny that Sirius would have been of more use for everybody if he was still alive. If he had not been locked up in this house he hated for an entire year without the chance to prove himself useful."

Dumbledore nodded and leaned forward, his hands lying folded in his lap.

"I see. That is the core of the problem, isn't it? Because I'd prefer it if we talked openly about it if it is. It isn't about Severus, because you know Severus for long enough now to know exactly why he is saying what he does and why he is behaving the way he does. If you think about leaving because of Sirius, then let us talk about that."
"Fine, let us talk about it, Albus." Remus' words came out more harsh than he had intended them to, but somehow it felt right. Albus was right, that was the core of Remus' problems.

"Can't you imagine that it is not easy for me to live in this house, to be in this Order and be constantly reminded of what happened to Sirius? I know you are perceptive, so you surely have realized what was going on with him, how he suffered from not being able to do anything for a whole year! You know what Sirius was like, you knew he needed to do something otherwise he went ballistic. But still you insisted on him staying caged in here, you insisted that he stayed and didn't even give him a menial task to keep him occupied! And he followed your instructions because he trusted you, because he was convinced that you were wise enough to know why you ordered those things. But please tell me if you really did. Just tell me that. Tell me if it had any sense to keep Sirius caged until the moment came when he couldn't restrain himself anymore and stormed out straight into his death!"
"What else should I have done, Remus? Because if you think I did that to punish Sirius for something you are badly mistaken. But look what happened the first time he left the house. Lucius Malfoy recognized him at King's Cross, and if he knew about Padfoot then it's safe to assume that the other Death Eaters did as well. Should I have allowed Sirius to roam around freely and let him get arrested or killed?"

"Doesn't make much difference now, does it?"
"That was uncalled for, Remus."

Remus only shrugged, but didn't say anything. After a long moment, Dumbledore continued.

"I knew Sirius. Not as well as you, but I knew him. And I knew about the vices he carried within him." Seeing that Remus was about to interrupt, he raised a hand. "No, you can't deny that, Remus. Sirius was not perfect, but then again none of us is. He also had many good and strong traits, and nobody regrets more than me that he could not prove them during the last year. But Sirius was rash at times, he followed his instincts more often than he took the time to think his actions through before he started to act. Tell me, what good would it have done to have him walk around freely? I only tried to keep him alive, though you might doubt that now. I admit that it might have been a mistake to restrain him to this house, but do you really think I would have done it had there been another choice? I was convinced I was doing the right thing, I was convinced that I did what was best to keep him alive.

I made mistakes, Remus, and maybe it was a mistake to order Sirius to stay put for an entire year, but I simply did not have any other choice. I grieve for him as well, but unlike you I don't let my grief consume me."
Remus snorted.
"No, you just put him aside as collateral damage. It happens, it's sad, but let's not think about it anymore and simply continue with our everyday-life. That might work for you, but I just can't."

Dumbledore shook his head.

"It's not that easy, but if it helps you I won't stop you from thinking it is. For one, I wasn't as close to him as you were, but more importantly there are many people relying on me to carry on, and that is what I do. That is what I have to do to redeem myself, in front of Harry, in front of you."

"Because in the end every means is justified?"
Dumbledore sighed wearily.
"No. It never is, and Sirius was never just a means to me, Remus. But if we win this war, then maybe his death is not as senseless as it seems now. Maybe then Cedric Diggory's death will not be as senseless, and every other death that happened because of Voldemort. It's that hope that keeps me going on, Remus. A very thin thread, but it's enough to keep me going on with what I do. I can't stop you from blaming me, but I ask you not to think of me as a heartless man who is willing to sacrifice everybody in order to achieve my goals. There are people I care about, people I don't want to see hurt or harmed. That is why I'm sitting here with you now, Remus. That is why I did what I did to try and keep Sirius safe. I'm sorry if you see it differently."

Remus got up from his chair and stepped over towards the window. With his arms crossed behind his back he stared out into the misty and cloudy London morning for long minutes. Dumbledore watched him equally motionless, his blue eyes resting on the back of Remus' head. After a long time Remus finally sighed loudly and shook his head, then he turned around and looked straight at his former headmaster.

"I'm sorry, but I simply can't stay here, Albus. I just can't. Not in this house, not after what happened to Sirius. I…I'm hurt Albus. Probably worse than ever before, and I simply am not myself anymore. A huge part of me is torn and bleeding, and that has weakened me to the point where I am neither useful nor reliable anymore. It will be the best for everybody involved."

"Also for you?"

Remus met Dumbledore's gaze and held it, then he nodded.

"Yes, also for me."

He turned around and picked up the discarded robes from the day before again, placed the suitcase on the bed and resumed his packing. Dumbledore watched him, then seemed to think for a moment before he made a step forward.

"I have another proposition to make." As Remus didn't answer, he stepped beside him and tried to catch his eyes again. Remus stubbornly refused to look at the older wizard.

"Now that Dolores Umbridge has unfortunately left our staff, Hogwarts needs a new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor…"

"Stop it", Remus turned around and stared at Dumbledore, his jaw set, hands balled to fists at his sides and his breathing suddenly harsh and short. "Stop it right now. We won't talk any further about this. The last time I taught at Hogwarts I nearly killed three students. I won't takes such a risk again. As soon as I have packed my stuff I will leave. I'm sorry Albus, but there is no other way."

With that, he forcefully slammed the lid of the suitcase shut, signalling in no uncertain terms that the conversation was over for him.

"You will let me know where to reach you?"

Remus waited for a long moment before he finally nodded. "Yes, I will. In any case, my father will know."

"Good. Thank you, Remus." Dumbledore turned around and silently left the room. Remus continued to stare blankly ahead even after the door had closed, fighting down his urge to scream out loud. When he had calmed down enough he took another look around the room, searching for things he might have forgotten. His eyes fell onto the picture on the shelf again, the one he had been looking at only last night, and with slightly shaking hands he took it down again. For a long moment he contemplated taking it with him, but then he put it back on the shelf again. That picture was a part of his past, a past he no longer wanted to remember because he could not stand the pain it brought. With one last look through the room that had once belonged to his childhood friend, Remus picked up his suitcase and went towards the door.
On top of the staircase Remus halted for a moment because he suddenly felt slightly dizzy again. Gripping the handrail tightly with his right hand he waited for the moment of vertigo to pass. For maybe two or three minutes he stood on top of the stairs, his eyes closed tightly and holding his balance with his hand before he could straighten again with only a tickling feeling behind his temples.

That much for taking sleeping potions, he thought. A couple of hours of really restful sleep were fine enough, but not if he was feeling wobbly all day afterwards. Picking up his suitcase again Remus began to descend the stairs, slightly slower than he would have done normally, and his hand firmly on the handrail to keep his balance should the dizziness return. On the first landing he stopped for a moment and shook his head, but the stinging sensation and the slight tickle behind his temples did not vanish again. Well, he would lie down once he came home. Hopefully he would meet nobody on his way towards the front door, he had absolutely no need for any more explanations or lengthy good-byes.

On the last set of stairs, just as he had passed the last landing and had prepared himself to leave quietly as not to wake the blasted portrait of Sirius' mother, suddenly an icy feeling spread through his body and his chest started to feel as if somebody was squeezing his lungs together with an iron grip. Remus tried to straighten up, tried to breathe deeply, but though he felt the air leave his lungs he could not seem to draw any breath. His right hand automatically moved from the handrail towards his throat as if that could free him from whatever was choking him, but at that moment his knees gave out beneath him and he lost his balance. Clenched up tightly into a ball, Remus fell down the stairs, crashing hard into the umbrella stand on the foot end and knocking it over. Just as Remus came to rest motionless on the tiled floor, the portrait of Mrs. Black woke up from all that ruckus and started to yell.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

After his conversation with Remus, Dumbledore slowly descended the stairs and went into the basement kitchen. It grieved him that he had not been able to convince Remus to stay here in headquarters, and it grieved him even more to see how much the younger man was hurting. Dumbledore didn't begrudge Remus because he thought him guilty for a large part of what had happened, and he didn't begrudge him for being as angry as he was. Merlin knew that if he could do something to make it easier for Remus he would not hesitate to do it. But things had happened the way they had and now he was completely unable to do something to change the situation again.

But nevertheless Dumbledore didn't like the thought of Remus being all alone with his grief, locking himself up in his secluded cottage in Kent. Remus was strong, extraordinarily so, but Dumbledore knew that this situation would probably break him. He had seen Remus after James and Lily had died all those years ago, he had been there when from one day to the next the young werewolf had been all that was left of his circle of friends. Back then he had already taken a very long time to get over it, and there had been moments when Dumbledore had been afraid that Remus had given up on life completely. He had not been able to do much for him back then, especially because Remus had refused to accept any kind of help, and he knew that this time it would certainly not get better on its own. He had seen Remus after his last month's transformation and the image had been too frighteningly similar to how the wolf had mauled Remus fifteen years ago after the first war.

But Remus was a grown man and very able to make his own decisions, so Dumbledore knew if he had chosen to leave there was nothing he could do to keep him.

With a huge mental sigh Dumbledore opened the door to the kitchen and went over to where Molly Weasley was sitting on the kitchen table together with Tonks, Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"Good morning Molly. Harry, Ron, Hermione."

"Good morning, Albus." Molly summoned the teapot and a cup towards the table and poured the headmaster a cup.

"Thank you, Molly."

"You're welcome, Albus. Good that you're dropping by, Hermione's parents sent an owl this morning."

Dumbledore rose an eyebrow.

"No bad news, I hope."

Hermione shook her head.

"No, nothing like that. They wanted to tell me about our holiday to France. They invited Ginny to come with us, and now they wrote that they want to leave tomorrow morning."

"And for that of course we have to get the two girls to the Granger's house tomorrow", Mrs. Weasley added. Dumbledore nodded.

"I see. Well, that shouldn't pose too much of a problem. How are your parents planning to get to France?"

"By car. They want to take the ferry across the channel, from Dover."

"Then we either bring you somewhere where your parents can fetch you tomorrow morning, or we send somebody, Bill and Charlie maybe, along to accompany you to the ferry and you meet your parents there. There's a good floo connection to the Dover area, it shouldn't pose that much of a problem."

Mrs. Weasley clapped her hands. "Good. Hermione dear, why don't you write back to your parents now and tell them to send notice of when they want to take the ferry tomorrow, and we'll bring you there."

Hermione nodded. "I will, thank you."

Mrs. Weasley watched Dumbledore attentively. "Did you talk to Remus already?"

Dumbledore sighed loudly and nodded. That reaction peaked Harry's curiosity, who until now had been sitting silently between Tonks and Ron. He had not seen Remus since breakfast yesterday, but he had not noticed that something had happened since then. Yet this was exactly what Dumbledore's behaviour suggested. Dumbledore seemingly hesitated for a moment, and Harry didn't quite know whether this was because he, Ron and Hermione were in the room. Tonks had also turned around so that she was facing Dumbledore as well, and one of her eyebrows had nearly disappeared beneath her ink-black fringe.

"I talked to Remus", Dumbledore said at last. "And at the moment he's packing his things."

"He's leaving?", Mrs. Weasley asked incredulously, beating Harry to ask the same question by a mere second. Ron's mouth stood open and Hermione's brow was furrowed as both of them tried to digest that newest piece of information.

"But…I mean, why?", Harry asked when he found his voice again.
"That is a question you will have to ask Remus himself, Harry. I'm afraid I can't answer it."

"But he can't just leave like that! What about the Order, what about everything he's been working for? He can't just leave like that!"

And unspoken and probably not even consciously in the back of his mind, they question 'What about me?' popped up. Harry knew that Remus neither had to ask for his permission nor had to inform him about any decision he made, but the thought that Remus was leaving the Order just like that, all of a sudden and without telling him about it stung a little.

"It's his free choice, Harry. Nobody is forced or should feel obliged to stay here. I regret that Remus has decided to leave, but it is his choice and if he thinks it's for the better for him, then I won't stand in his way."

Harry shook his head, unwilling to accept that as an answer to his question, but even as he opened his mouth to say something else, there was a loud crashing sound from upstairs. Something fell to the floor with a low 'thud', something else fell over with a loud crash, and after a short moment of silence, Mrs. Black's portrait began to yell. The six occupants in the kitchen looked at each other for a moment, each of them completely unable to come up with an explanation for that noise. As one, they rose to their feet and went over towards the kitchen door.

"We'd better have a look at what is going on there." Dumbledore left the kitchen first, his wand firmly in his right hand, and the others followed out. As soon as they entered the stairs and moved upwards they could hear clearly what Mrs. Black was screeching.

"Half-breeds and mudbloods! Now that the blood traitor, the shame of my blood is dead they still bring that filth into our noble house! Get that piece of filth away before it ends its pitiful existence in my hallway! Traitors and mudbloods, half-breeds and spawn of blood-traitors soiling our noble house! Such a shame!"

Below the portrait, under the disgusted gaze of Sirius' mother, they found Remus lying curled up into a tight ball, his body shaken by cramps, his head bleeding from a wound above his right eyebrow and his breathing harsh and flat, wheezing sounds accompanying every breath he took. There was sweat on his face and all the colour seemed to have drained from his skin, leaving it pale and clammy.

Dumbledore and Mrs. Weasley immediately hurried over to where he was lying while Ron, Hermione and Tonks went to the portrait and desperately tried to get the curtains shut to stop Mrs. Black from screaming. On her way, Tonks nearly fell over the upturned umbrella stand which Remus had knocked over in his fall, and as she gripped for something to hold on to in her fall she nearly ripped one of the curtains in front of Mrs. Black's portrait off. But this time there was no reprimand for her clumsiness, instead she and Hermione took hold of one curtain while Ron tried to close the other. After some endless moments they finally managed it and the shrill shrieks first continued slightly muffled, then were drowned out completely. As they turned around, they found Molly and Dumbledore kneeling next to where Remus was still lying in the same position. Harry was standing behind them, pale as a wraith, staring down at his former teacher's unconscious form.
"What is wrong with him?"

Tonks fell to her knees beside Molly, her pale face standing out extremely against her jet-black crew cut, today's featured hairstyle. Dumbledore shrugged slightly.

"He is having some sort of seizure, though from what I am completely unable to tell. Tonks, why don't you go into the kitchen again and place a fire-call to Hogwarts. I'd rather have Poppy have a look at him."

Tonks nodded and got up, immediately hurrying down to call the Hogwarts nurse. Harry nervously started biting his thumbnail. He had known that something was wrong with Remus, had known that there was more to the physical signs of exhaustion he had shown than the approaching full moon. And now he found those suspicions confirmed, and found himself worrying more and more about Remus. Shakily, he knelt down next to Dumbledore.

"What is this? Why does this happen to him?"

"I don't know, Harry."

"Has something like this ever happened before?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "Not that I know of. But don't worry, I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will be able to sort it out."

As if on cue the door to the basement kitchen opened at that moment and steps hurried up the stairs.

"Albus?"

Madam Pomfrey came towards them, took in the problem with one short look around and then crouched down next to Remus. "What happened to him?"

"He fell down the stairs, at least I guess he did. We found him like this, I don't know what caused it all."

Maybe it was just Harry's impression, but Remus' cramps seemed to have lessened somewhat over the past moments. Maybe he only imagined it because he wanted them to lessen, he truly didn't know. But there was a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he desperately wanted to hear that Remus would be all right again. Madam Pomfrey waved her wand over Remus' body once or twice, then she got up from her crouch.

"I'd better get him somewhere else for a closer examination. Is there a bedroom I can use?"

"Remus' bedroom is on the second floor, but for simplicity's sake just use Bill's, it's the first one to the left on the first floor."

Madam Pomfrey nodded and pointed her wand at Remus. "Mobilis Corpus!"

"Do you need any help?"

Madam Pomfrey shook her head and picked up her bag as she levitated Remus a few inches off the ground. "Thank you, but I brought everything I might need. I will call for you if there is something amiss." And with those words, she vanished up the stairs, levitating Remus along in front of her. Harry stared after her retreating form for a long moment, until he felt Dumbledore's hand on his shoulder which gently pushed him into the direction of the kitchen.

"Let's all go downstairs again and wait until Poppy tells us what is wrong with Remus. I don't think it's of any use to stay here in the hallway."

With a last look towards the staircase, Harry nodded and allowed himself to be steered away.