Chapter 14 – New WorryRising

The mood in the kitchen for the following thirty minutes was thick with tension. Mrs. Weasley had made tea for all of them and they sat around the kitchen table, silently sipping it and waiting for Madam Pomfrey to bring them news. Though none of the adults wanted to openly admit it, they were all shocked deeply by what had happened to Remus. The fact that nobody had an explanation for his collapse only served to increase their brooding. Of course, Remus had looked rather unhealthy over the past weeks, but what exactly had been the cause of this strange seizure none of them was able to tell.

Nobody spoke, even Ron, Harry and Hermione silently stared into their teacups which Mrs. Weasley had put in front of them immediately after they had sat down. Harry had realized long ago that this was her way of occupying herself whenever she was bothered by something. It was obvious from their expressions that both Ron and Hermione were just was worried about Remus than Harry was, and though surely all of them had their suspicions about what had happened up there in the hallway, nobody dared to utter them aloud until Madam Pomfrey had come down with news.

When the door to the basement kitchen finally opened and the Hogwarts nurse entered, all eyes in the room immediately were on her. Dumbledore got up from his chair and pulled out another one for her while Mrs. Weasley poured another cup of tea.

"Poppy?", Dumbledore asked.

Madam Pomfrey waved a hand and sank down in the chair Dumbledore had pulled up for her. She gratefully accepted the cup of tea Mrs. Weasley handed her and took a deep sip before she spoke.

"He's asleep now, and will probably remain asleep for the next couple of hours. I have given him a sedative."

"What happened?"

"If only I knew", the medi-witch sighed. "He obviously fell down the stairs, that is where the wound on his forehead came from. Head-wounds always bleed rather ghastly, but it wasn't that bad. I've mended the cut and in a few days he can have the scar erased. What worries me more is the reason why he fell down the stairs in the first place."

"Not only you. That is one question I'd like to have answered as well. What happened?"

"To tell you the truth, Albus, I don't know. He had some kind of seizure, and while I was able to treat the symptoms I'm at a loss as to what is the cause."

Dumbledore frowned. "You have absolutely no idea?"

Madam Pomfrey shook he head. "No, I'm sorry. There is no trace of any magical or physical origin I could find. Though I think that Professor Snape should have a look on him, to exclude the possibility of poisoning."

"Who should have an interest in poisoning Professor Lupin?", Hermione asked with a frown on her face.

"I don't know, Ms. Granger, but I want every possibility excluded. This seizure has been hard on Remus, especially since his physical condition is anything but good. I've known Remus for a long time now, and I know that his lycanthropy has always made him more fragile and exhausted at least for the time around full moon, but I've never seen him quite like this."

Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully. "I know what you mean."

"If you're talking about physical exhaustion to the border of collapse, then yes. And full moon is still over a week away. Did Remus eat or sleep regularly at all over the past weeks?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "Hardly. It's not as if nobody noticed, but you know how Remus is on accepting good advice. Last night, though, he took a sleeping potion, so at least today he should have been well-rested."

Madam Pomfrey took another deep sip of her tea and shook her head. "He definitely didn't make the impression to me that he was well-rested, but if you say he took a potion, then I have to assume that the seizure drew far more on him that I had initially anticipated."

"But will he be all right again?", Harry asked, and he didn't like one bit how shaky his voice suddenly sounded.

"I don't see why he shouldn't recover from this morning's events, Mr. Potter. Given that he gets enough rest and starts eating better, he should be all right tomorrow at the latest. But as long as I don't know what caused this seizure, I can't predict whether it will happen again or not. For now, he needs rest. He should wake up later this afternoon, I'll come back to have a look at him then."

"Thank you Poppy, for coming so quickly."

Dumbledore got up with the nurse and guided her over towards the fireplace. "Just let me know if anything about his condition changes, then I'll come over immediately."

And with a last nod at the other occupants in the room, she threw a handful of floo-powder into the flames, stepped into the fire and flooed back to Hogwarts.

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Remus woke up with a blazing headache – again. If this was becoming habitual, then he'd take not sleeping at all into serious consideration. Being tired was one thing, but being tired and having such a headache was too much to bear. Why he was always getting repeat-performances of things he didn't want to experience in the first place – like having his friends die, he thought bitterly – eluded him. But at this moment he could very well do without the headache, thank you very much. Though it was a different kind of headache than the last time. This time it was a dull throbbing behind his right eye, as if somebody was pounding against it from the inside of his skull. Slowly, he opened up one eye, then the other. He was in one of the bedrooms at Grimmauld Place, though not in his own bedroom, that was the first thing he realized. A strange realization, considering that the last thing he remembered was preparing to leave Grimmauld Place. As he struggled to sit up, a well-known voice interrupted him.

"Though it's good to see you awake again, I'd prefer to have you remain lying while I finish my examination."

Remus turned his head, and there she was. Madam Pomfrey in full nurse-modus, the nightmare of every patient. Though Remus liked her a lot on a personal level, he had to admit that he was always a little afraid of her when they found themselves once more in a patient-healer situation. Though Remus could not even remember what had made him her patient this time.

"What happened?", he groaned out as she started brandishing her wand over him.

"You fell down the stairs, that's what happened. I can imagine that your head hurts rather badly right now, I'll give you a potion for it in a moment."

Remus didn't quite understand.

"Fell down the stairs? How? Why?"

"Most probably because you were unconscious. You had some sort of seizure, and though it pains me, I have to admit it, I was unable to find out just what caused it. Which is why we will have a little chat now, how about that?"

With a grunt, Remus sat up in the bed and gratefully accepted the goblet with potion against his headache which Madam Pomfrey handed him. The nurse then sat down next to the bed and looked at Remus intensely.

"Now, what we could find out was that there was no magical origin for your seizure, neither a spell of sorts nor any kind of potion. Which leads me to the question why you collapsed all of a sudden. I have already found out that you neither ate nor slept properly over the past weeks. Is there anything else you want to tell me?"

Remus scratched his head for a moment before he answered.

"I've not been particularly hungry as of late, that's true. And I did try to sleep, only I could not, at least not as much as I wanted to. That is all there is, really."

Remus didn't tell Madam Pomfrey about the returning nightmares, his constant headaches or his dizziness, his general listlessness or any of the other symptoms that had been plaguing him. He didn't quite know why, it was probably a mixture of embarrassment and the unwillingness to let his weaknesses show in front of others. Besides, he knew that the Hogwarts nurse would only fret even more about him than she did now if he told her about the other symptoms. Madam Pomfrey clearly didn't believe him, but she shook her head and got up from her chair.

"The good news is that you are on the mend, Remus. You should rest as much as possible during the next few days, then you'll be fine in no time."

"And the bad news?"

Madam Pomfrey packed up her bag and put it down on the floor. "The bad news is that I don't know what caused you seizure, and thusly I can't tell you if it might happen again or not, or when it might happen again. I don't particularly like it, but as long as I can't find out the reasons for your collapse, any prediction is out of my ability."

Remus nodded slowly. "I see. But I really think it was just exhaustion catching up with me, I wouldn't want anybody to worry about it overly much."

Madam Pomfrey frowned her brow.

"I doubt that it was simply your body taking the well-deserved rest you didn't give it, Remus. I even have the impression that your condition afterwards was slightly worse than before, even though you've now slept for over eight hours. Albus told me that you had taken a sleeping potion then night before you collapsed, yet when I examined you I had the impression that you had not gotten any rest as of late. Even now you don't seem particularly well-rested to me, and that despite the sleep you had. That and the fact that I can't determine the cause of your seizure is more than enough to worry me. I will come back tomorrow afternoon to have a final look at you, until then I don't want you to leave this bed other than to use the bathroom. Did I make myself clear on that, Remus?"

"Yes ma'am", he responded, feeling every bit like an eleven year old in the Hogwarts infirmary again. As the nurse smiled gently at him and they said their goodbyes, Remus suddenly remembered that if he had his will, he'd no longer be here tomorrow afternoon for her final check-up. He had wanted to leave Grimmauld Place already yesterday, and just the fact that he had collapsed like that should not hold him here for any longer. It had not changed anything about his decision to go away. But maybe he should postpone his leaving until Madam Pomfrey had declared him well again, otherwise she'd hunt him down and personally watch that he got enough rest, no matter if she had to track him down and break into his house to achieve that.

Maybe ten minutes after Madam Pomfrey had left, there was a hesitant knock on his door. Remus didn't quite know if he actually wanted company, but still he sat up straighter in his bed and called the visitor in. The door opened, and Harry appeared, balancing a tray in his hands. He smiled shyly, then carried the tray over towards the bedside table.

"Hello Remus. Madam Pomfrey said that you're awake again, and Mrs. Weasley made you something to eat. I…I thought I could bring it up for her."

"Thank you, Harry."

Remus reached for the cup of tea Harry had brought. "Why don't you sit down?"

Harry nodded and sat on the chair Madam Pomfrey had vacated earlier.

"How are you feeling?"

Remus picked up the bowl with soup Harry had brought and shrugged slightly.

"All right, I think. A bit tired still, but that'll be over soon."

Harry looked rather uncomfortable and he slid from one side to the next on his chair.

"It looked rather bad", he finally said in a low voice. Remus' eyebrows went up. He had not known that Harry had seen him after he had fallen down the stairs.

"I can imagine it did. Poppy said that the cut above my eye bled rather badly. But it looked far worse than it was." He brought up his right hand and gingerly fingered the mended cut just above the eyebrow.

"But what happened?"

"I don't know, Harry. I really don't know. I think felt dizzy, lost my balance and fell, I don't really remember. And nobody seems to know what caused it. But nothing serious happened, and I don't think it would be good if everybody started worrying overly much about me now. It won't necessarily have to happen ever again."

Harry shrugged awkwardly, the way only teenagers can, and looked uncomfortably out of the window. Remus knew that one of Harry's biggest problems had always been speaking his mind in front of adults, but he had always hoped that Harry would lose those reservations in front of him. Harry fidgeted a bit more, then he looked at Remus.

"You've not looked good the entire time since you took me out of hospital and brought me here."

"Why, thank you, Harry."

The teenager blushed and began to apologize, but Remus waved him off.

"I didn't mean it like that, Harry. I know that you're worried, and I really appreciate your concern. But just like you, I've been through a few hard weeks. That has left its marks. I probably haven't taken good care of myself since Sirius died, and now my body has reminded me of that."

Harry didn't look all that convinced, even as Remus tried to give him an encouraging smile. There was something more bothering Harry, that much was obvious to Remus even though he did not know the teenager all that well.

"What's wrong, Harry?"

Again, Harry only shrugged and bit his lip as he tried to decide how to answer that question.

"I can see that there's something going through your head", Remus gently urged. "So if there's anything you want to get off your chest, just shoot ahead."

"Professor Dumbledore…before you fell down the stairs, Professor Dumbledore said that you were packing your things and wanted to leave."

Remus put the half-empty soup bowl away and nodded.

"I see."

"Why?"

"Why I wanted to leave?"

Harry nodded.

"That is difficult to explain, Harry."

"I…I didn't mean to pry. You don't have to tell me, it's your decision if you want to leave. It was just…I thought…well", Harry stuttered before Remus gently waved him off.

"I think you have a right to ask that question, especially since I was about to sneak off without offering anybody except from Albus any explanation at all."

"But it's your business, you don't have to explain anything to me."

"You want to know why I wanted to leave, am I right?"

Another of those teenage-shrugs, which Remus decided to mean 'yes' for now. Remus took another sip of his tea and put his cup away.

"It's a bit difficult for me to see the sense in the Order work at the moment."

That brought a frown to Harry's face and Remus saw that he was about to protest. Probably he was sharing Bill's idealism about the resistance in general and the Order in particular. Bless the idealism of youth, Remus thought with a mental smile. He wished he could once more share those feelings, but life and experience had hardened him against unlimited optimism. He interrupted before Harry could say something.

"It was never about whether it's right or wrong what the Order is doing. I know that Voldemort can't be allowed to succeed, and that we have to do anything to stop him. But that's easier said than done. I know that you've been kept from what the Order is doing and that you would want to know more about its work, but it isn't as spectacular as you imagine it to be. On the contrary. At the moment we're stuck, there's not much we can do and the little we try to achieve doesn't show the results we were hoping for. It's wearing on all of us, and yesterday evening there has been a confrontation which simply made it all boil over. I know that Voldemort has to be fought, only I'm not so sure anymore if I have the strength to do so. That is why I wanted to leave."

"So you wanted to give up working for the Order because its work is stuck at the moment?"

"No, but because this lack of progress is wearing on me. The tension in this house, in the Order is wearing on me. I simply have neither patience nor strength left to go on with that, not right now. And I decided that for once in my life I'd see to my own needs and problems first. That is why I wanted to leave."

"Do you still want to leave?"

Now it was Remus' turn to shrug. "I don't know, Harry. It's not as if everything had changed since this morning."

"But what else would you want to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you leave Grimmauld Place, you have to go somewhere else, and have to do something else. That's what I mean."

Remus shrugged again. "I wanted to go home. I hadn't made any specific plans, if you were asking about that. I just wanted to have some time on my own, to deal with everything that happened."

Harry pulled a face. "Would going away have helped you?"

"I don't know, Harry. I simply don't know. But staying here over the past weeks hasn't helped just one bit, that I know for sure."

Harry pulled one foot onto his chair and rested his chin on top of his knee. Remus saw that Harry was letting his words roll around in his head. After a moment he shook his head.

"If you think it's best for you, then maybe you have to leave."

"You don't sound too convinced of it."

Harry shrugged again. "I don't know. It's hard enough to know what's good for myself at times. Sometimes others have to force me into something and it turns out to be right. Sometimes I refuse to do the right thing because I think it's wrong, or because I plainly refuse to see the truth. So I don't think I can tell you what to do. But…" He shook his head and interrupted himself. "Forget about it."

"No Harry, what did you want to say?"

"I…I just think that maybe the problem is not staying here. Maybe the problem is being here and yet not being here at all."

Remus frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I've only been here for a bit more than a week, but during that time I didn't really have the feeling that you were there. You…you were always sitting in your room, or somewhere else with your mind entirely. I don't know if you remember it, when I came here you said that there were people here who were willing to help me if I only asked for it. And I couldn't help but thinking, you know, that maybe you ought to take your own advice to heart. Do you know what I mean?"

Remus thought about it for a moment, then he nodded. "I think so, yes. It's easier said than done, though. A lot of things have happened, Harry, and I'm struggling desperately to deal with them. I am simply searching for the right way to do so."

Harry snorted and put his foot back on the floor. "Like running away?"

"Listen Harry, I know that it was unfair of me to try and sneak off like that. I'm sorry if I offended you with that in any way, I never intended that. But it was no spur-of-the-moment decision, the thought had been on my mind for quite a while already, yesterday's events were just the trigger for my reaction. To be honest, I don't know what I want or what would be best for me. I just don't know, so I think I'll have to try out."

"So you'll leave?", Harry asked, and he didn't know how shaky his voice sounded all of a sudden. Remus either didn't notice or he didn't comment, he merely shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know, Harry. I'll need time to think that through."

Harry nodded slowly, and after a moment he got up from his chair.

"I think I'll go and see what the others are up to. Madam Pomfrey said not to keep you up too long."

A fleeting smile stole across Remus' face.

"Yes, I can imagine that she'd say something like that. Thank you, Harry."

Harry nodded and smiled awkwardly, then he turned around and left the room. Remus sank back in his pillows with an exhausted sigh and let the past conversation roll through his head again. He wondered why he had been so open with Harry, the teenager who had never really learned to see him as more than his former teacher. Today had not been the first time that he had lowered his own defences like that in front of Harry, their conversation about Sirius' death in the muggle hospital was still vividly on his mind. For weeks, people who were close to him had tried to pry through the walls he had built around himself without or with barely any success, but in front of Harry those defences never held up for very long. Though strangely it didn't disturb him all that much. Maybe that was another side-effect of whatever was going on with him right now, because he was normally reluctant to make himself topic of a conversation with anybody, friend or stranger. Not so with Harry.

Remus sighed and turned to his side. As much as he hated to agree with Madam Pomfrey's suggestion, but a little rest might do him good. He might not be able to sleep, but he could try to clear his mind and get some rest.