Chapter 20 – First Traces

Another blazing headache, that was Remus' first thought upon waking up again. This was getting customary, obviously, and he hated it. As the world slowly spun into focus, he was surprised to find himself lying in the Hogwarts infirmary. How had he gotten here? He had been in the library, translating the letter Albus had given him, that much he remembered. Harry had come and they had gone to the kitchens to grab a bite to eat. After that…nothing. Great, not only headaches, but also gaps in his memory. This was getting better and better. As he turned his head slightly, he found himself looking into a pair of worried green eyes.

"Good morning Remus."

"Good morning Harry. What happened?"

The teenager shifted on his chair and looked uncomfortable. "You collapsed again, when we were in the kitchens. Don't you remember?"

Remus thought for a moment, but then he shook his head, grimacing as his headache only increased with the motion.

"No, I'm afraid not. Listen Harry, could you maybe call Madam Pomfrey? I have the most monstrous headache I can remember."

Harry smiled shyly and got up from his chair.

"Of course, just a moment."

He vanished behind the curtain that was drawn around Remus' bed. Remus distinctly heard the sound of a conversation from the far end of the room, then Madam Pomfrey's steps were approaching his bed. Then nurse stepped around the curtain and smiled at Remus.

"Good morning. How are you feeling?"

"Horrible. Headache."

Madam Pomfrey handed him the goblet she was carrying. "I shouldn't wonder. Drink this, that should ease the pain."

Remus gratefully took the goblet and drank the nasty-tasting potion in one gulp, then handed it back to the nurse.

"Thank you."

Madam Pomfrey smiled. "Don't thank me too early. Here, I also want you to drink this."

"What's that?"

"A nourishing potion. And I want to hear no protest, your body needs it."

Remus knew when it was useless to say anything, so he wordlessly drank the potion - its taste hardly any better than the last one - and handed the bottle back. Madam Pomfrey threw it into the wastepaper basket and crossed her arms in front of his chest.

"All right, now the two of us will have a little talk, how about that?"

Remus sighed loudly and sat up in his bed.

"This is getting customary?"

"If you collapsing is doing so, then those little talks will become as well. I thought I had implanted the importance of nourishment to you the last time that we talked."

Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I'm not a child, Poppy."

"No, because even children know that they need to eat."

"I wasn't particularly hungry, but it's not as if I've starved myself."

The nurse frowned and made a noise in her throat. "Well, of course I'm only a studied healer, but I have taken the liberty of examining you after you suddenly collapsed again without any reason at all", she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "And what I've come up with during my examination tells me something entirely different, Remus. As weak as your condition was by the time you were brought here, I think it's a small wonder that you were able to get up yesterday, let alone move around. Now, where does that come from, I wonder?"

Remus sat up a bit straighter and looked at the nurse.

"I don't know, Poppy. I simply don't know. Let's not beat about the bush, I know that I've not taken good care of myself during the past weeks. But it's been nowhere as bad as you put it. I didn't eat well, but I did eat. I didn't feel well, but I was not a walking corpse. I also admit that I had problems sleeping, but not being well-rested is something else entirely than collapsing like that. I simply don't know what the reason for my collapses is, I'm sorry to admit it. I know you are a very good healer, if you don't know what the possible reason an be, then I'm afraid I don't have any answers."

Madam Pomfrey sighed.

"Remus, I don't particularly fancy having you delivered unconscious to my infirmary on a regular basis. This time it was worse than the last. The seizure lasted longer, its effects were more serious. And still I could not determine any reason for it. This was no one-time occurrence, it has happened twice within a week now, and there is no guarantee that it won't happen again. With whatever outcome, I can't say. I've examined you as thoroughly as I've ever examined somebody, Severus has tested you for any kind of poison he could think of, Albus himself examined you yesterday evening. With no results. That worries me."
"Albus? How long was I unconscious?"

"Since yesterday around noon. Now it's half past one."
Remus let that information roll around in his mind. "I simply don't know, Poppy. Don't you think that I'd tell you if I had any idea what could be the cause of all this? I myself don't particularly fancy waking up with you hovering above me, either. No offence meant, of course."

That brought a small smile onto the nurse's face. "None taken. It's just frustrating. Remus, if those seizures occur as often as the last two ones, and if their effect on you gets worse and worse each time, then I just don't know for how long your body can stand this. Those seizures are taking a strong toll on you, your condition has worsened each time. And there is a full moon coming up in a few days."
Remus sighed. "Don't you think I know that?"

"Then why don't you do anything against it?"

There was a challenging undertone in her voice, and Remus frowned his brows. "What do you mean?"

"That you don't take any care of yourself, despite the fact that you know that there's something wrong with you. Why have you given up?"

The question hit Remus like a slap in his face. At first he didn't know what to say, too stunned was he at the easiness with which Madam Pomfrey had interpreted his behaviour. But Remus didn't like to have others reading his inner feelings, so his reaction was the reaction he had always shown when confronted with such a situation - he closed up.

"This is a discussion I will not have with you, Poppy."

The nurse raised an eyebrow at Remus, but after a moment she nodded at him and turned around.

"I'll bring you something to eat in a moment."

"Where is Harry?", Remus asked, remembering that the teenager had been gone since the nurse had arrived at his beside.

"I sent him down into the kitchens for some food. Mr. Potter has been sitting at your bedside with hardly an interruption since I brought you here, so I thought it good to have him eat something before he, too, collapsed."

"Thank you."

"It's all right, Remus. I'm sure he'll be up shortly, hopefully also with some food for you."

With that, she vanished behind the curtains again, leaving Remus alone with his contemplations. So it had happened again. Remus really appreciated the nurse's worry, but he couldn't deal well with people who were trying to tell him what was best for him. He had always decided that for himself, anything else didn't work. But at the moment he was far more worried about the reason for his collapse. Of course, he had indeed not rested well since his last seizure, and neither had he eaten overly much. Then there had been the headache that had begun in the library yesterday, shortly before he had collapsed. All right, all that were probably signs of his seizures, but still didn't tell him anything about the reason for those collapses. He was not ill as far as he knew, and though full moon was only a few days away, his lycanthropy had never affected him like that. Somehow, he didn't think it likely that it'd start now. But if it wasn't that, then what was the reason?

He was torn out of his musings by steps that were approaching his bed. A moment later, Harry came around the curtains, a tray with food in his hands. He handed the food to Remus and sat down on the chair he had been sitting on earlier.

"Thank you, Harry", Remus said and picked up his fork.

"You're welcome. How are you feeling?"

Remus shrugged and took a bite before answering. "Better than when I woke up. A bit queasy still, but that'll pass."

Harry nodded solemnly and watched Remus as he ate. "I don't know what happened", he finally said. "You just collapsed, from one moment to the next. Just like the last time, at Grimmauld Place."

Remus nodded. "I know, it must have looked scary. But I just don't know why it happened, or why it happened again."

"Madam Pomfrey still doesn't know what's wrong?"

Remus swallowed his bite of chicken and ham pie and shook his head. "No, she has no idea."

"Not a very comforting thought."

Remus laughed mirthlessly. "No, it isn't. I'll talk to Albus as soon as I get the chance, maybe he will know something."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Harry's voice was slightly shaky, as if he was not really daring to pose that question. Remus smiled warmly at him.

"Nothing I can think of at the moment, no. Madam Pomfrey told me that you were here for nearly the entire time after I collapsed. You needn't have done that, but thank you."

"I…I was worried", Harry admitted lowly. "I don't know, but I was worried. I had hoped it wouldn't happen again, you know?"

"Yes, I know. I had hoped so, too. But please don't worry yourself overly much about it. It has happened, and now it's just wait and see how to best deal with it. But there is a way to deal with it, and there's an explanation for this mystery. It's only a question of time until we find it, so please don't work yourself up about it."

Harry nodded reluctantly. "All right."
"How did your Occlumency lesson yesterday go?"

Harry shrugged again. "Not so good. I wasn't really focussed, so it didn't go all that well. Worst were Professor Snape's remarks, though. You know how he is."

Remus nodded. "Yes, I know how it is. Don't take him to heart. Listen to what he says about Occlumency, though, he knows what he does as far as the subject is concerned. But you know that he has a hard time holding back his remarks. Just take it as a part of him and don't think overly much about it."

"I'm trying not to. As long as he doesn't cross certain lines, then it's all right."

Remus nodded thoughtfully. He knew exactly what lines Harry was talking about, and he also knew that his former classmate had a knack for crossing those lines. Lines he was perfectly aware of. But Severus Snape liked to provoke, he liked to coax reactions out of the people he was confronted with, reactions of which the others were not entirely in control. To a certain degree it was a method, Remus knew that. By provoking Harry, by prodding at his weak emotional points, he hoped to cause Harry to react unguarded, purely emotional. It was not that bad a method to teach Occlumency, as far as Remus could tell with his limited knowledge on the subject. Snape could tell Harry over and over again that his raw emotions were his weak point, that undealt hurts and fears, and also his love for the people he cared for, were the things Voldemort would only too gladly use against him if he had the chance. But words were one thing, and even if Harry was willing to believe everything Snape told him, their effect was not as strong as the effect of a demonstration of how those things affected him if provoked unprepared. That was what Snape was trying to do with Harry. But Harry was a teenager who had always had problems in dealing with his emotions, and no small wonder after everything he had been through in his life. He of course reacted to what Snape did to him, but if he reacted just the way Snape wanted him was another point entirely. Chances were that he'd react just with the opposite of what Snape expected, but solely for reasons of defiance and stubbornness. Harry didn't like it when people penetrated his inner core uninvited. And there were very few people he had allowed an insight into his innermost feelings in his life before. Severus Snape was not one of them, that was why Harry was struggling so hard with his Occlumency lessons. As soon as he was out of here, Remus would talk to Snape again. Though he had to be careful about how he put it. The moment Snape thought he was criticizing his methods, he'd block out every attempt to talk to him. Well, Remus thought with a mental sigh, he'd just have to burn that bridge when he came to it.

At the moment, he was torn out of his musings by another set of steps that approached his bed. Harry turned around, slightly startled at their unexpected visitor, but Remus could already tell without seeing who it was. And truly, only a moment later the curtain around his bed was drawn back a little and Albus Dumbledore stepped up beside the bed.

"Albus, hello."

"Hello Remus, Harry", the headmaster said and nodded at the two. "How are you feeling this afternoon?"

Remus shrugged. "All right. A bit confused because I collapsed again and still don't have an explanation for it. It's nagging at me, if I'm honest."

Dumbledore nodded and leaned a hand against the footboard of the bed.

"I can understand that only too well. Now, I don't know if she told you, but after she had examined you yesterday she called me at headquarters. I came over as soon as I could. I don't see it often that Poppy is at her wit's end. But yesterday she was."

Remus nodded slowly. "Yes, she told me that you were here and examined me."

"That I did."

"And what did you find?"

Dumbledore sighed and shifted on his feet.

"Nothing."

Remus nodded, somewhat defeatedly, as Harry noticed, but he managed to wipe that emotion from his face rather quickly.

"All right. That also means that you have no idea how to treat it, so that it won't happen again."

It was a statement, not a question, but still Dumbledore shook his head.

"I might not have any plan of how to deal with what's happening to you - as of yet. But I've spent some thought on what the possible reason could be."

"And what have you come up with?"

Dumbledore sighed and looked at Harry.

"Harry, maybe it would be better if you waited outside for a moment."

Before Harry could even open his mouth to protest against being sent away - again - while the adults talked about what had happened, a hand on his arm stopped him. Looking up he found that though Remus was still leaning weakly against his pillows, he held him back and was looking firmly at the headmaster.

"No Albus. I think it's better if he stays here."

Dumbledore looked doubtful, but Remus didn't relent. For the first time Harry realized that even despite his physical condition his former teacher was an extremely strong and strong-willed man, and somehow he knew that after everything that had happened during the past months, the time in which Remus Lupin was following each of Dumbledore's words without the shadow of a doubt were over. Remus had told Harry a while ago that the blame for Sirius' death was not to be searched in one person alone. And he was right with that, this understanding had dawned on him over the past weeks. But just as Harry could not forget Dumbledore's words about his godfather at the end of his last school year, he had the feeling that Remus was also not forgiving him for what had happened with Sirius during the past year of his life.

Finally, Dumbledore nodded.

"It's your choice, Remus."

The old wizard pulled up a chair and sat down on the other side of Remus' bed.

"How are you feeling? Aside from your confusion about what happened, I mean."

Remus shrugged.

"Drained, that describes it pretty well. I got a throbbing headache and feel pretty weak. And I can't keep from brooding about what is happening with me."

Dumbledore nodded.

"There isn't much we know about what is happening with you. Actually, we know a lot more about what is not wrong with you. There is no physical reason for your seizures, no trace of poisoning, and no magical origins I could detect."

Remus frowned. "What magical origins?"
"I was thinking about spells and curses, but no trace of any kind of magic other than your own showed during my examination. It didn't surprise me, actually, because nothing of that sort was to be found the last time you collapsed."

"So what you're saying is that I get those seizures even though there is no reason for it at all."
"No physical reason and no outer influence, yes." Dumbledore nodded. "There is a reason for your seizures, I'm sure of that. But whatever the reason, I think we have to search it within you."

Remus frowned and leaned back a bit tiredly. Harry watched him with a slightly concerned expression, but didn't say anything. Remus seemed to collect some strength before he spoke again.

"What do you mean, Albus?"

"I have been thinking about it, Remus, and I was asking myself what could possibly cause such a sudden loss of strength and energy if there is no physical reason. The problem is that the number of possible explanations I could come up with is extremely limited."

Remus chuckled mirthlessly.

"At least you seem to have an idea. What is it?"

Again Dumbledore's eyes darted over to where Harry sat and back again, but he didn't say anything to the teenager.

"Remus, are you bonded to somebody?"

Remus' eyes narrowed a little. "Bonded?"
Dumbledore nodded.
"Yes, bonded. Certain bonds between two people can develop into strong magical connections. If you are somehow bonded to somebody and that person draws from your strength for some reason it would be the explanation we are searching for."

"What kind of bond are we talking about, Albus? I really don't think that I have such a connection with anybody."
Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and eyed Remus attentively.

"Mating bonds, blood-oaths, strong emotional connections to blood relatives, anything like that."

Remus only shook his head, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Sorry Albus, but I don't think that's the explanation. I most definitely don't have a mating bond with anybody, and I would not remember any occasion on which I could have closed a blood-oath. I really don't think that anything like this is the case."

But Dumbledore didn't give in that easily.

"What about your family?"

Remus shrugged. "You know that as well as I do. There are some distant relatives with whom I never had much contact. Of course there is my father and I love him dearly, but I don't think that our connection is that much closer than a good father-son relationship should be. Then there is my brother, and we're not exactly what you would call close. Besides, I would know if anything was wrong with either of them, I doubt that anything like that is the case."

Silence settled over the room for some endlessly stretched minutes. Remus was looking tired and his eyes were threatening to fall close soon. Eventually, Dumbledore got up from his chair.

"It was an idea, and please think about it a bit more. Maybe you'll think of something. I'll leave you to get some rest now, Remus. Just one more question."

Remus nodded and forced his eyes to stay open for a moment longer. "What?"

"I know that you had trouble sleeping as of late. But obviously you did sleep at times, though nowhere near enough. My question is whether you had any dreams lately."

Harry thought it was a strange question, but if Remus thought so as well then he didn't show it. A small vertical crease showed on his forehead, though, and it took a moment until he answered.

"I do dream, of course."

It was a careful way of answering the question, and if that was obvious to Harry, then it was surely more than obvious to Dumbledore as well.

"Any strange dreams?"

Remus cocked his head to the side. "Define strange, please."

"Nightmares, dreams that occur on a regular basis, dreams that don't feel right, as if they were not your own. Anything out of the ordinary, actually."

Again, Remus thought for a long moment before he answered, as if he was carefully weighing the content of every word he intended to use.

"What would be if I had, Albus? I saw my best friend die, of course I have nightmares about it. And of course I have those nightmares more than once. And that is what they are. Nightmares. Grief. Nothing more. It's bad enough that way, but I can't deal with interpreting anything more into it unnecessarily."

Dumbledore steepled his fingers and tapped them against his chin. Harry didn't like it how Remus reacted to Dumbledore's questions. He had grown even paler during the past minute or two, and his left hand was unconsciously curling and uncurling where it lay on top of the blanket. But thought Dumbledore had to realize this as well, he posed his next question.

"You dream about Sirius regularly?"
"I dream about his death", Remus snapped back a bit sharply. "Regularly. But whatever you want to suggest it to mean, leave it be, Albus. Sirius is dead, it's hard, but I have to learn to deal with it. Please leave it be at that, I can't stand that now."

Dumbledore nodded. "I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't mean to offend you in any way. But please think about what I told you earlier. Maybe you think of something that could explain this mystery to us. And get some rest."

Remus nodded. "I will. Oh, and before I forget it, the letter you gave me to translate is in my bag in the Gryffindor common room. I couldn't translate it all, but I'm fairly sure that it's nothing which interests the Order."

Dumbledore nodded. "Thank you. I'll take a look at it later. For now, get some rest. I'll drop by later this evening. Goodbye Remus, Harry."

Both Remus and Harry mumbled their goodbyes, and the old wizard got up and left the infirmary. Harry remained sitting next to Remus for a few moments longer, but it was obvious that Remus was tired and needed sleep. Harry got up from his chair.

"Professor Dumbledore is right, you look as if you could use some rest."

"Yes, I guess I could do with some sleep."

"I'll come back later as well, if that's all right with you."

Remus smiled reassuringly at Harry. "Of course it's all right. Thank you, Harry."

Harry smiled back and vanished behind the curtain, the closing of the infirmary door a few moments later announcing his departure. Remus lay back on the bed, finally alone with his thoughts and contemplations. And with the fear of having another of those nightmares if he gave in now and allowed himself to sleep. But he'd probably not have much choice about that matter, he thought with a wry grin. He was thoroughly exhausted, so he'd just risk falling asleep now. He'd deal with the nightmares once they came back. Because come back they would.