Chapter 24 - Mindwalking

Severus Snape was convinced that he was wasting his time. He'd do it to humour the headmaster, but he was convinced that this was absolutely unnecessary. Nevertheless, he silently walked into the Hogwarts infirmary where he had agreed to perform Legilimency on Lupin. The only thing that had been able to calm him somewhat was the notion that Lupin liked what they were about to do even less than he himself did, but still. He was wasting his time, Snape knew that.

Lupin was lying on the bed near the window, fast asleep. It was a potion induced sleep, as everything would be useless if he woke up in the middle of the performance, but it was no sleep induced by a Dreamless Sleep Potion. Naturally, this would have had an entirely ruining effect on what Snape was about to do. Instead, he had prepared a slight sedating potion for Lupin to take, the one where he was most sure of that it would not influence Lupin's dreams.

Actually, Snape had been against performing Legilimency on Lupin tonight, not after the man had collapsed again the day before. The physical condition wasn't playing an extremely important role where Legilimency was concerned, but what Snape was about to do could be a psychologically straining experience. He wasn't entirely convinced that it would be wise to add such a strain to Lupin's momentary state. But as he had voiced those thoughts to Albus, the headmaster had only nodded silently before stating his own case, one which Snape had not been able to disagree to. Lupin's seizures were coming more frequent now, and they were getting worse. Merlin only knew when the next fit would come, and if he would survive that one as well. It had been a close call last evening, the next time there might now be a reviving tonic immediately at hand. So in the end, he had agreed to performing Legilimency on Remus as soon as possible, and that was tonight.

Silently, Snape pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down. Lupin's breathing was deep and regular, and after a few minutes Snape saw his eyes beginning to move behind his closed eyelids. A sure sign that he was dreaming.

Legilimency was a branch of magic that was difficult to control, even after years of practice. It wasn't wandless magic, the kind he would have preferred, and much unlike his beloved potions this was nothing that could be entirely predicted or even controlled. Of course not, after all there were two human minds at work, one of them being invaded by him. Once he had found a way into Lupin's mind, nobody could predict what would possibly happen. If Lupin allowed him access to his mind at all, that was something he was not even entirely sure of. Even though the werewolf was asleep, if he had indeed such a strong aversion against this experiment as he had shown earlier, it could very well be possible that he'd be blocking him out. Well, Snape thought with a grim smile, that was a challenge, if anything. He doubted that Lupin could stop him from penetrating his mind in the end, but of course it would only make things more difficult if Lupin fought Snape for long. He sighed lowly. He definitely had better things to do with his evenings than spending them in mental deadlock with stubborn werewolves. But Albus had asked him to do it despite all of Snape's own reservations, and Snape would have done nearly anything if the older wizard had asked him of it. Not so much because he felt he owed it to the man, but because he could not stand the thought of disappointing him. Somehow, Dumbledore had that effect on people, even on Snape, though of course the Potions master would never voluntarily admit that.

Silently, Snape rolled up the sleeves of his robes, his eyes adamantly not looking at the mark he carried on his left arm, then after a moment of hesitation he got up from his chair and settled down on the mattress next to Lupin. For what he was about to do he'd need to reach out better than he could from the position on the chair.

For a moment he closed his eyes, breathed in and out deeply and tried to clear his mind of everything except from what he was about to do next. His right hand moved and pulled out his wand, aiming it at Lupin's forehead. All right, he'd better get through with this.

"Legilimens!"

Snape had performed this a number of times before. Not even counting his attempts at teaching Occlumency to Potter. Especially in his times at Voldemort's command, he had been pressured to force himself into a number of minds to extract certain memories. And he could already tell that Lupin was putting up a fight against his attempt to penetrate into his mind. It didn't surprise Snape in the least. Lupin might have agreed to letting Snape perform this on him, but that didn't mean he couldn't unconsciously put up a fight against it. Knowing that something would happen was one thing, allowing it to happen was another. The fight he was putting up was an entirely unconscious action, yet Snape would not allow Lupin to win that particular struggle. Just as he thought that he had finally succeeded, everything evaded him again. And again. And again.

But even if Remus Lupin was a strong-willed person, Severus Snape was as stubborn as they came and so he did not once let go off his concentration, and every time Lupin's mental barriers pushed him away he tried a bit more strongly to penetrate them. Snape had learned how to break through mental shields, he had the patience to wait.

And indeed, after a time when most others would probably already have given up, Snape felt Lupin's resistance melt away and he was rewarded for his efforts with a first glimpse on the tumble of images and emotions that constituted a dreaming person's mind.

While most people experienced dreaming just like living through whatever it was they were dreaming about, Legilimency unfortunately did not enable that the wizard performing it could sit by and watch it all like a muggle movie. And that exactly was the reason why Lupin had protested so vehemently against that intrusion of his mind, and that was also the reason why Snape would have flat out refused to perform this had anybody other than Albus Dumbledore asked it of him. To find out if there was truly a connection between Lupin and Black - no matter how unlikely that was - and if that connection was the reason why Lupin dreamt about Black so much lately, he needed to literally search through the werewolf's memory.

This was completely unnecessary of course. Snape doubted with every fibre of his being that Lupin's dreams had anything more to do with Black than being an expression of his grief. Though Snape truly didn't know why anybody should grieve for that man. They were all better off without that ever-bragging idiot, even Lupin. The man could have been a halfway decent person had it not been for his choice of friends - and of course for the fact that he was a werewolf. But now Snape had to search through Lupin's memory, just as if he had nothing better to do. As if he was the least interested in whatever was going on in Lupin's mind. No matter what he would find out with this, it definitely would be far more than he had ever wanted to know about him. But he had made a promise, and so Snape followed the trace of Lupin's mental presence through the flashing images of his memory, allowing himself to be drifted along with those images in the hope that they would show him what Lupin was dreaming about. He was powerful and trained enough to actively search for things in somebody else's mind, but that would only work if he knew what he was searching for. He didn't know that, which made actively searching a futile endeavour. He had not asked Dumbledore what exactly made him think that a bond between Lupin and Black existed. He didn't want to know too much beforehand, lest it influence what he was doing. If there was a bond, he would find out when and how it had been closed soon enough. All he knew was that Lupin was dreaming of Black regularly, and that was even more information than he had wanted to have. But he would find out, he thought grimly. Though there was nothing in Lupin's life he really wanted to see from the werewolf's perspective. Well, next to nothing. There might be one thing he was curious about, but that was not what he was here for. Maybe he should take a glimpse…but no. As much as Snape suddenly felt the unusual feeling of curiosity, he needed to search out where Lupin was, not lose himself in his own curiosities.

If somebody had asked Snape how that was to be accomplished, how one could possibly know where a person was momentarily caught in his memories he could not have voiced it. It was just a feeling, a pull into a certain direction where the images and memories were not resting like everywhere else, but where they were active. Not everybody could do this as easily as Snape, but the talent for Occlumency in its various forms ran in his blood. Along with another gift - or curse - which he didn't even want to think about, because its potential made even someone as hard as Snape shudder. No, he needed to focus on his task at hand now, needed to focus on finding Lupin's presence.

But what he found there when he finally reached his destination was by far not what he had imagined.

As if he was looking through somebody else's eyes - Lupin's if he should venture a guess - he saw a man lying on the ground in a street, he saw a large puddle of blood, he saw a wounded arm reaching for a fatal looking stab-wound, pressing down on it as hard as it could in an attempt to stop the blood-flow. Though Snape could immediately tell that it was a futile attempt. Snape knew a bit about wounds, and that one didn't look as if there was still something that could be done to save the injured man. Over and over again he was presented with those memories, he felt the desperation Lupin must have felt, felt his utter panic that Black would bleed to death here under his hands. For the man on the ground definitely was Black.

Snape could not make sense of this scene, but while those images flashed by in front of his mind's eye time and time again he realized that there indeed was something…the bleeding wounds, the desperation…he could feel Lupin draining himself into Black, and suddenly he was sure. That idiot had indeed closed a blood-oath with Black at some point in the past, most likely he had not even known about it at the time. And now this was drawing from him, this connection was sucking the strength out of him and wasting it on a dead man. As Snape tore his eyes away from the scene - or at least that was what he told himself he was doing, a distant part of his awareness knew that he actually had his eyes closed and was sitting on Lupin's bed - he thought he caught a glimpse of a robed figure standing on Lupin's other side. As Snape looked directly into this direction, the figure vanished, but again he saw movement from the corner of his eye. It was as if somebody else was here, in Lupin's mind, watching the two of them silently. Snape felt his presence, and suddenly he felt the overwhelming urge to leave this place. To leave Lupin's mind completely. He knew who that shadowy figure was, and he needed to get back to tell Albus about it.

With a tremendous effort, Snape tore himself away from where he had been enthralled by Lupin's memories. He had found out what he had been sent to search for - though it was not what he had expected. Something had to be done to sever that connection quickly, otherwise Lupin would not have very long to live left.

Retreating from somebody's mind was like pulling off a band-aid - one could either do it antagonizing slowly or quickly and a bit painfully. At the moment Snape didn't have the time to take the slow way even if he had preferred it, so he forced the awareness of where he was and what he was doing into the front of his mind quickly. He reminded himself that he was sitting in the Hogwarts infirmary, on Lupin's bed, he forced himself to become aware of the weight of his wand in his hand, of the strain in his arm from keeping the wand pointed at Lupin's forehead for the past minutes.

The first thing Snape realized was that he had slumped forward somehow, though not enough to wake the other man. When he tried to straighten up his vision started to blur and he got a slightly dizzy feeling in his head. Somebody put their hands on his shoulders and he could hear Dumbledore's voice speaking lowly into his ear.

"Breathe deeply, Severus. Just close your eyes and breathe, you've exhausted yourself a bit."

Only now did Snape notice that he was breathing flatly and rapidly, gasping for air like a fish out of water. Listening to Albus' advice as usual he closed his eyes and tried to will his breathing to slow down. It took him some long minutes to manage, but when he finally opened his eyes and turned back towards Dumbledore he didn't have the feeling that he was about to keel over anymore. The old headmaster looked at Snape with a worried glance.

"You've taken an awfully long time, Severus. I was getting worried that something had gone wrong."

Snape only shook his head, still a bit too breathless to speak properly.

"Did you find out something?"

Snape nodded, gesturing the headmaster that he still needed some more time to collect himself before he could explain everything he had found out. Dumbledore nodded and gently helped him to get up from the bed, leading him over towards the fireplace.

"You think you're up to flooing again, Severus? We could also wait for another moment."

Snape only shook his head.

"I've flooed and apparated in far worse conditions before, Albus."

He grabbed the floo powder from the mantle and threw it into the flames.

"Headmaster's office!"

Dumbledore watched him leave with a worried expression on his face then turned to follow him. Once arrived in his office and cleared off the ash and dust, he lost no time to position Snape on the sofa, and despite all of the younger man's protests wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and handed him a cup of steaming hot tea before he sat down in an armchair and repeated his question.

"What have you found out, Severus?"

Snape placed his cup on the coffee table in front of him and looked up at the headmaster. He didn't say anything for a moment, but the look in his eyes was actually answer enough.

"There is a bond?"

Snape nodded and exhaled deeply. "Yes, there is, if I'm the one to judge it."

A sad look settled on Dumbledore's face and he nodded worriedly. "I see. And you are absolutely sure about this, Severus?"

With any other person asking this question he would not even have dignified it with an answer. But this was Albus Dumbledore, and Snape understood why the headmaster saw the need to be absolutely sure about this. It wasn't because he didn't trust Snape's abilities, but because he was - as always - hoping to find another way out except from taking drastic means. But this time there would not be another way.

"I am sure, Albus. Absolutely sure."

"What did you see?"

Snape drank a bit of his tea and put the cup back onto the table in front of him. He was actually thankful for the blanket Dumbledore had given him, because he felt drained and cold after what had happened.

"Black was injured, and Lupin was trying to save his life. It was dark, somewhere outside, in a city. Black was losing a lot of blood, and Lupin was also bleeding. He was desperate to save Black's life, and literally poured himself into him. I don't know when that happened, but it must have been years ago. Before Black went to Azkaban, in any case, he was still wearing his hair short and looked a lot younger."

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers beneath his chin. For a moment, he stroke his beard with his thumbs, then he looked up at Snape again.

"That was fifteen years ago. I sent Remus and Sirius to locate a possible Death Eater hideout in London. However, they were ambushed and it was pure luck that saved them. Sirius' injuries were critical, and Remus nearly died as well." He sighed deeply. "I'm afraid it is as we feared. That was the occurrence Remus suspected which could have led to the closing of a blood-bond beneath him and Sirius. It seems he was right."

There was still a doubtful look on Dumbledore's face, though.

"What is it, Albus?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "Maybe nothing. A small thing Remus said to me after the second time he collapsed. I asked him if he was dreaming lately, and he admitted that he was dreaming about Sirius. But he said he was dreaming about Sirius' death."

Snape shrugged. "I can't give you an answer to that. Lupin definitely wasn't dreaming about Black's death just now, he was dreaming about what I told you. And…"

Dumbledore looked up. "What, Severus?"

"I'm not sure, Albus. It's just a hunch, but I had the feeling that Black was present. Not physically present of course, but it was…I had the feeling that it wasn't just Lupin and me there. That's why I'm so convinced that there's a bond between Lupin and Black, no matter where the man is right now. A very strong bond, I can't explain otherwise."

Dumbledore sighed again.

"It was my suspicion that if there is a bond which causes Remus' condition, it has to be a very strong one. All the signs Remus shows hint at that."

"Yes", Snape grumbled. "We should have known. He even acted like Black, for Merlin's sake."

Dumbledore frowned. "What do you mean, Remus acted like him?"

"Don't tell me you didn't notice how he behaved during the Order meetings. He lost control of his temper more than once, or do I need to remind you that he even hit me? Now at least we know where that came from."

Dumbledore looked at Snape and frowned. "Be that as it may. We need to talk to him about this as soon as he wakes up."

"I don't think Lupin will be very happy when you tell him that we need to cut him off from Black. He will not allow it."
Dumbledore shook his head resolutely.

"He will have no choice, Severus."

Snape watched the older man for some long moments. He knew the man who had once been his headmaster very well by now, better than he knew anybody else. Dumbledore was one of the few people who had taken the effort to break through Snape's shields and see the person beneath it, one of the few people who had never given up on him. Over the years a close friendship had developed between the two so different men, and Snape knew how much his mentor was bothered by everything that had happened during the past weeks. He knew that though Dumbledore had always been aware of Black's faults and vices, he had held respect and even more expectations to the man, and his death had crossed many of the plans Dumbledore had developed for the Order. Dumbledore cared about Lupin as well, and even Snape had to agree grudgingly that the werewolf was both extremely intelligent and useful for their cause. If he was in a better shape than he had been during the past weeks.

Breaking those news to Lupin bothered Dumbledore already, that much Snape could tell. The headmaster looked sad and tired, caught in one of those moments where the burden of all the responsibilities he carried seemed to weigh too heavy for the man to bear. If Lupin would break under this situation it would certainly throw all of them back a little, but Dumbledore more so than others.

Snape was not good in giving comfort, so he didn't even try to think of a useless platitude he could tell the headmaster. So instead he finished his tea, folded the blanket Dumbledore had given him and got up from his seat.

"Let me know when Lupin wakes up, I'd like to be there when you tell him, if you have nothing against it."

Dumbledore nodded warily. "I will. Thank you, Severus."

Snape nodded his acknowledgements and left the office, this time using the door rather than the floo network. He had a couple of things on his mind and wanted to think them through on his way through the castle.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

In the early morning hours, a nervous house elf told Snape that Professor Dumbledore requested his presence in the hospital wing. Knowing this to mean that Lupin had woken up, Snape put the work with which he had tried to distract his thoughts aside and left his office towards the infirmary.

It was eight in the morning now and Snape was actually quite tired. He had not slept that night - had not been able to sleep after his little visitation in Lupin's mind - and the magic he had performed on Lupin earlier had drawn from his strength. But he knew he needed to see the end of this whole affair before he could rest peacefully again, or at least as peacefully as his sleep usually was. Trust Black to be cause for such a chaos even after he was dead. That bragger had always needed to stand in the spotlight, why should he have expected this to end simply because he was dead? Dead might stop just about anybody, but not Sirius Black. He should have known.

He reached the infirmary and pushed the wooden doors open. When he entered the room he realized with quite some relief that at least Potter this time was not sitting around here as well, demanding to be included in what was going on. Had it not been for the stupid teenager, none of this would have been necessary in the first place, and Snape saw absolutely no reason to give in to Potter's whining and complaining all the time.

Lupin was sitting up in his bed, dressed already in his shabby robes and a cup of tea in his hand. With a grim satisfaction Snape noticed that Lupin's hand was shaking ever so slightly. The werewolf saw his gaze and quickly placed the cup on the nightstand.

"Ah Severus, there you are."

Snape was a bit startled when he heard Dumbledore's voice suddenly speak up behind him, but he managed not to let his surprise show. Instead, he calmly turned and nodded at the older wizard, then moved over to the foot end of the bed and threw a glare at Lupin, just for good measure. Lupin glared back, though amateurishly compared to Severus' own stare.

"Enjoyed snooping around in my mind, Severus?"

Snape didn't react, instead he waited for Albus to speak as he knew the headmaster would. He was not disappointed.

"Severus only did as I asked him to, Remus. What you agreed to. And he found out something which you might consider important."

Remus did say nothing as a response to Dumbledore's gentle reprimand, he merely turned his head towards Snape again and raised his eyebrows in silent inquiry. Snape decided to get this over with as quickly and brusquely as he could manage.

"From what I saw, you really managed to bind yourself with one of the most powerful wizarding bonds to Black, Lupin. Black is present in your mind, and he draws from you."
Remus' eyes widened, though this revelation didn't come out of the blue.

"Then how come I don't feel his presence if he is there? You could be wrong, Severus."

"You do feel it, Lupin. Or what do you think are those seizures? Nothing more than him drawing from your strength, just like he did the night you save his life. And those dreams about Black every night? Your unconscious is trying to tell you something, in case you hadn't noticed."

For a long moment, Remus remained silent and stared at something obviously only he could see.

"But how? Sirius is dead, Severus. I saw him fall through that archway. He is dead."

Snape shrugged.
"My task was solely to find out whether a connection exists, and now that I have confirmed it I think the rest is up to somebody else."

And with a swirl of his robes, Snape turned and vanished out of the room, a slightly satisfied grin on his face as he saw Lupin's worry-lined face.

Remus remained sitting on the bed, his gaze distant towards the opposite wall. After a few moments, Dumbledore stepped up to his bed.

"I trust Severus, Remus. I trust that he is telling the truth. He isn't doing this to spite you."
Slowly, Remus turned his head towards the headmaster.

"I know that, Albus. That doesn't make it easier, though. If there is a bond between Sirius and me, for all I know that means he isn't dead."

There was no trace of hope in Remus' expression, though, if solely because he didn't allow any to enter his features. Dumbledore sighed and pulled up a chair next to the bed.

"For all we know, he is dead. At the very least he's far beyond our reach. And for some reason, he is still drawing from you, which means that wherever he is, he'll pull you with him. I can imagine that it's only the connection with you that is still keeping him bound to this world."

Remus nodded slowly, his fingers drumming soundlessly against his thighs.

"So I have the choice to either let this connection kill me, or to cut it off somehow. And kill Sirius."

Dumbledore nodded slowly. "Those are the choices, yes. But please Remus, keep in mind that Sirius is already dead. Beyond our help. It's you we have to worry about now."

"I…when, what do you suggest?"

"There is a full moon tomorrow. We should wait until it has passed. For one, we need to find a way of how to best sever the bond. And this will weaken you, which is why I think it wise to wait until you are recovered from your transformation."

"If not another seizure comes in between."

Dumbledore sighed. "That is something beyond our control, Remus. We have to hope that it won't come to that. But for the moment, that is all I can think about doing."

Remus nodded and carefully got up from the bed.

"I thank you, Albus. I…I need to think about that for a while."

Dumbledore nodded. "I understand. You know where to find me, in case there is anything you need."

Remus nodded and slowly walked towards the door, so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even notice the old headmaster's sad gaze at his retreating form.