Chapter 26 – Reconciliation

Remus had actually entertained the idea of spending the full moon night in the Shrieking Shack. He had not done that ever since his last transformation as a student. During his year as a teacher he had always stayed in his office, behind locked doors. It had seemed safe enough, with the Wolfsbane potion. He had the potion now as well, and there weren't any students except Harry whom he could endanger, but still Remus had decided against staying in the Shack. For one, it would probably bring back too many memories, and Wolfsbane or not, transformations were always worse when there was something weighing on his mind. No, he simply could not transform in a place that involved so many memories, memories of times when life had been simple and he had been happy. And another, very sensible reason was that the Shack was too far away from the castle. Given his physical condition at the moment, it could very well be that he needed Madam Pomfrey's help after the transformation, and it might take too long to get him from the Shack back into the castle.

And so Remus had spent the night of his transformation in one of the guest rooms at Hogwarts, the one that was closest to the infirmary. It had proven to be a good decision in the end. Not so much because he was in acute danger after his transformation, but because he was far too weak to move, let alone get back from the Shack to the Castle. Madam Pomfrey looked after him, again with that slightly disapproving countenance, just as if he was a stray student who had refused to take his medicine regularly. She ordered him to eat whatever the house-elves brought him, hunger or not, and gave him so many nourishing and strengthening potions that Remus thought his muscles had to be growing without him actually doing anything. But it helped, he had to admit grudgingly. By mid-afternoon, he was already able to get out of bed and move back upstairs into the Gryffindor tower.

But while Harry had been glued to his bedside after his last collapse, the teenager had not once looked after Remus ever since the transformation. Remus didn't mind, he was used to being alone and had not expected Harry to be there when he woke up, but he read this as the sign that Harry was still angry with him. And that was something he'd have to work against, he didn't want the teenager to be angry with him. But facts didn't change, whether he reconciled with Harry or not, it still was the horrible truth that Remus could do nothing to bring Sirius back. And if Harry could not forgive him for that, Remus could not blame him. But he also could do nothing to help Harry now, even though he knew just how much the teenager needed it.

But Harry was not in Gryffindor tower when Remus left his bedroom again. He guessed that the teenager was hiding out in the library again, searching for a way to bring Sirius back under the pretence of finishing his summer assignments. He had tried to seek him out there two days ago, without any real success. Harry was angry with him, and for the moment he'd have to accept that.

Just as the portrait of the Fat Lady swung aside and Remus left Gryffindor tower, he heard steps approaching. To his surprise, it was Dumbledore who was coming towards him, not Harry.

"Ah, Remus. I was just searching for you."

Remus stepped up to him with a slight frown. "What is it?"

"Would you care for a tea in my office? If you feel up to it, I don't know what Poppy said about you roaming the castle again." The midnight blue eyes sparkled in amusement behind Dumbledore's glasses. Remus nodded automatically, but without any real conviction. He knew what Dumbledore wanted to talk to him about, he only didn't quite know if he really wanted to make his mind up about the possible ways of severing his connection to Sirius.

"Sure, Albus."

He fell into step beside the old headmaster and went up towards his office. Harry was obviously on his way back towards Gryffindor tower, they came across him on one of the moving staircases. The teenager watched the two adults warily, but wordlessly nodded polite greetings to both before he vanished down the corridor through which Remus and Dumbledore had come. As they went around a bend, Dumbledore threw Remus a sideward glance.

"He doesn't take it very well, does he?"

Remus sighed and shook his head. "No, he doesn't. He didn't deal with Sirius' death at all, and this state of uncertainty is nagging at him. He is convinced that there has to be a way to bring Sirius back."

Dumbledore nodded, but didn't say anything as they continued to make their way towards his office.

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Harry was seething with anger by the time he stomped through the portrait hole and into the common room. Seeing Dumbledore and Remus together was of course no unusual occurrence, and nothing to rise his temper, but Harry knew exactly what those two would be discussing as soon as they reached Dumbledore's office. It was unfair! Harry knew that there had to be a way to bring Sirius back, he only needed a bit more time to find it. His conversation with Snape had not brought him as far as he had wanted to, but something about the man's behaviour when Harry had mentioned Necromancy told him that he had hit the right spot. He only needed some time to find out how to bring his godfather back.

Harry slammed the door to his dormitory shut behind him and threw himself across his bed. It just wasn't fair, it was so bloody unfair! He drummed his hands against the mattress, but not even that helped to dissolve his anger somewhat. Not at all.

With an angry grunt, he picked up the notes he had taken in the library and began to look through them. If Dumbledore and Remus were already planning to cut Sirius off, then he didn't have much time left to find out what he had to do to bring Sirius back.

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As they entered the headmaster's office, Remus was surprised to find that Dumbledore's desk was not as neat as it usually was, but instead was covered in parchments and open books, an odd quill spread here and there to mark a page or simply where it had been randomly buried during whatever research the headmaster had conducted. Dumbledore gestured for Remus to pull up a chair in front of the desk, and sat down in his own armchair behind it. It was the same situation that Remus had found himself in often as a student, mostly with Sirius, James and Peter at his side, but already back then he had never felt intimidated by the situation. Dumbledore had always been too friendly to evoke fear in Remus, and other than a slight queasiness about the amount of research Dumbledore had conducted, he felt perfectly normal. As normal as one could be in this situation.

Before he went down to business, Dumbledore went over to a small silver tray on a low table beside the desk and poured two cups of tea. He added a slice of lemon into each cup and handed Remus one of them. Then he sank down into his chair with a sigh.

"This is all about the blood oath?", Remus asked after he had taken a sip of the delicious tea, pointing at the parchments and books. Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes, in a way. I've spent the past day with a thorough research on the topic. Until Severus told me that he was sure about the existence of the bond, I was still hoping that something else was the explanation for your seizures. But now that he confirmed the existence of the bond, I needed to make sure that there is indeed no other way to help you than to sever the bond. And of course, the question of how to sever the bond is of utmost importance."

Remus abruptly put down his teacup.

"Indeed the question of how interests me, assuming for the moment that I agree to the separation of the bond."

Dumbledore looked at him curiously, but seemingly decided to let Remus' small note of protest go unnoticed for the moment.

"Severing a blood bond is not easy, Remus. You know as well as I do that blood magic is extremely strong, and considering that your blood-bond with Sirius was closed without any conscious notion behind it, a conscious and willing separation is a difficult thing to achieve."

Remus crossed his legs and thought for a moment, then he looked up.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but to my knowledge a blood-bond can only be severed by the death of one of the involved."

Dumbledore looked down onto the desktop for a moment, then he looked up at Remus and nodded.

"I have researched the topic as thoroughly as I could in the given time, and unfortunately this is the only conclusion to which I came."

"And while the fact that the bond still exists means that Sirius somehow is not really dead, it also means that I have to die in order to sever the bond."

"Think again, Remus. I know that you have a very sharp mind, you cannot honestly think that I would accept killing you as a possibility. It would be rather ridiculous to kill you in order to save your life."
"I thought as much, Albus. But if the only chance to sever the bond is my death…"

"Then we have to betray your body into thinking it was dead."

Remus sighed and shook his head. "How?"

"Potions, for one. That would be the safest way. There is a concoction that would arrest all your vital signs and in fact render you dead. If you are given the antidote in time, you will recover, and we can only hope that this will be enough to sever the bond."

"So I shall poison myself and simply trust Severus to give me an antidote, all the while hoping that this surreal arrangement will sever the blood-bond between Sirius and me? Sorry Albus, but it sounds a bit far-fetched to me."

"I know, Remus." Albus buried his head in his hands. "Don't you think I know how all that sounds? But I'm by no means an uneducated man, I lack neither knowledge nor resources to gather knowledge, but this is the only thing I could think of. You have to be dead in order to cut off the bond, so we have to make it look as if you were dead to achieve that goal. If you know any way to achieve that, any other way, please tell me. I can't think of anything, and I spent the whole past night brooding about it."

Remus closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, again and again.

"Do you…Can you imagine how awful this is?" He got up from his chair and started pacing up and down in front of the headmaster's desk. "How can I make such a decision, can you tell me that? How am I supposed to decide if I even have the right to do that?"

"Because it is your life to decide about."

"That's not what I mean", Remus snapped, more sharply than he would normally talk to the headmaster. "I might not particularly like the idea to lay my life in Severus' hands, but I know that he would not harm me on purpose. I'm talking about Sirius, not about me. Tell me, do I have the right to this? How can I make that choice, how can I condemn him to death? What if Harry is right and there is still a chance to bring him back? I can't live with myself if that is the case."

Dumbledore nodded and watched Remus calmly. "I understand, Remus. But those are the facts. We know that there is a bond between you and Sirius, and we know that this connection will kill you if we don't do something against it. We don't know when the next seizure will come, but it will come. We don't have time for lengthy researches. But the hard fact is that Sirius fell through the veil. Nobody has ever come back from where he is now. Were it not for the bond with you, he should already be dead, and there is no way to bring back the dead. None that I could accept."

Remus nervously kneaded his hands.

"When?"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I would need to talk to Severus, we'd need to make preparations, need to make sure that nothing will go wrong. But if possible, I would not want to wait more than three or four days."

Remus swallowed heavily. "I see. I…let's talk about this again tomorrow. I need some time to think."

Dumbledore nodded. "Of course, Remus. If there is anything I can do…"

Remus quickly shook his head. "No, thank you, but there is nothing you can do at the moment."

And without waiting for a reply, Remus turned around and left the office. He didn't return to Gryffindor tower, though. He needed to be alone for a while now, he needed to make up his mind about the decision he was about to make. Five minutes later, he left the castle and turned towards the lake, heading for a walk.

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Harry didn't even bother to look up when he heard somebody knock on his door. The number of people who could possibly come and see him right now was extremely limited, so he was not the least surprised to hear the sound of the door being opened and then Remus' voice call out lowly.

"Harry?"

Instead of answering, Harry turned onto his stomach on the bed and stared at Remus. Hesitantly, the man entered the room fully, closed the door behind himself and sat down on the bed next to Harry's. Remus' face was flushed and his hair was dishevelled as if he had been outside for a longer stretch of time. He didn't seem to know exactly how to best approach Harry, but Harry decided that he would not make it easier for him. After all, there could only be one possible reason why Remus would seek him out after his talk with Dumbledore, especially with such a look on his face.

"Come to tell me that you've cut him off?"

Harry turned his back towards Remus before he could answer and stared at the far off wall. For a long moment, there was silence. When Remus answered, he sounded somehow timid and fragile, something Harry was not used from him.

"Do you think that all this is easy for me?"

Harry only shrugged, not turning around.

"Harry, please look at me."

When Harry didn't react to the plea at first, Remus got up and went over to the other side of the bed. He looked at Harry imploringly, silently pleading him not to play hide and seek with him just now.

"I've been talking to Professor Dumbledore for quite some time just now."

"Yeah, asking him how to get rid of Sirius for good."

Remus shook his head sadly, but Harry seemed to need to get something off his chest. He sat up on the bed, glaring daggers at his former teacher.

"That's all everybody's thinking of, isn't it? How to best get rid of Sirius! Nobody's asking me what I feel about this!"

Remus sighed.

"Harry, I can understand that you feel left out again. And I can understand that you got your hopes up that Sirius might still be alive and you might get him back. Don't you think I feel the same about it? Don't you think I'd consider even the slightest chance to get him back as a gift I wasn't even hoping for anymore? Because I do. I know how you feel because what happened to Sirius has hit me equally hard, but you have to understand that it is not up to you to decide. Whatever happens next will be my choice to make, Harry."
"So you think you can decide to kill Sirius off, just like that?"
"That is unfair, Harry."

But Harry only shook his head.

"You said you'd do anything you could to bring him back! You said that to me more than once since you came to visit me in the hospital at the beginning of the summer, have you already forgotten about it?"

"If I could, I would do anything to bring him back. I would gladly give my life to do so, that's what I've been telling you and it's still the truth."
"Doesn't look like it from here."

Remus buried his head in his hands for a moment and remained silent. When he was looking up again, he wiped his eyes slightly, but even despite that movement, Harry had seen the mist clouding over his amber eyes.

"That I have a bond with Sirius and that he still seems to be able to draw from me doesn't automatically mean that he can be brought back, Harry. Many people have gone through that veil, and as far as I know nobody ever came back. Nobody. If there was a way to bring him back I would try it immediately, but I simply don't see how. And nobody else does, either."

A feeling of raw anger as Harry had hardly ever felt it before surged up inside of him. How could Remus simply give up like that? Why didn't he even seem to try and find a way to help and bring Sirius back?

"So you've just said you'd even give your life if it brought him back, but when it comes to actually trying it you chicken out? Maybe you should go visit your old friend Wormtail, the two of you seem to share a similar definition of the word 'friendship'."

Something twitched in Remus' arm and for a moment Harry thought that his otherwise ever-composed former teacher would strike him. Instead, wrung his hands and started pacing angrily at the foot end of the bed.

"Never again talk about things you don't know anything about, Harry! If you know what's good for you, you'll never say that again! I can bear much, but at the moment I have reached my limit and I can't take insults from a sulking teenager who knows nothing of what is going on! Have you just for one moment tried to think about what I might be feeling like right now? Would you like to be in the situation to be the only link your best friend has to life? Do you think I slept well for the past two nights? Let me tell you that I didn't.

But what choices do I have, Harry? I know no way to bring Sirius back from wherever he is, and if our connection is not severed soon then I won't have very long to live left. Then we will both be dead. Don't you think we are trying to find a way other than severing the connection? But what chance do we have if Albus, Severus and I can't come up with one? In case you had not noticed, there is a war starting out there and there are neither enough people, nor do those who are there have enough time to do a thorough research. And that is why it has to be done, Harry.

We are looking into it, but if those seizures get as much worse as I think they will, then I will do what has to be done, immediately. There is not much leeway we can work in at the moment. A few days, hardly more. That's what I came here to tell you, I thought you had a right to know. I only hope you can understand the reasons for my decision, Harry. Merlin knows I want Sirius back, but if there is no way I don't think it would be helpful if I died as well. Not if I can still do some good in this war. I'm sorry, Harry."

With a last regretful look at Harry Remus silently opened the door and left the room again. Harry sat on the bed in stunned silence. He wished he could be angry with Remus, wished he could be as furious as he thought he should be at the moment. But he had seen Remus' expression of pure anguish, he had seen the tears roll down his face as he had spoken.

For a moment Harry tried to think what it would be like to decide about one's best friend's life. What would he feel like if he was in Remus' situation and it was Ron who had fallen behind the veil? Harry didn't even want to pursue that line of thought. He thought he could never make a decision that would harm or even kill his best friend. But was that true?

Wasn't Remus right and it was better to cut the connection with Sirius before it cost Remus' life as well? Harry didn't want to see Remus harmed or dead, but the hope that his godfather could be brought back had been the only good thing that had happened to him during the past months, and he had so willingly clung to it that it was hard to let go of that thought now.

If he was honest with himself, Harry had already seen Sirius climb back out from behind the veil, laughing his bark-like laugh and being just the way Harry knew him. He had put his hopes too high and now he had to see them get smashed again, that was why it was so hard for him to accept Remus' decision.

With a sigh, Harry got up from his bed and left the room to search for Remus.

He didn't have to search long, it was as if he had known that his former teacher would be drawn to the room that had been his office for one glorious year. Harry had many bad memories of the Defence Against the Dark Arts office from last year when Dolores Umbridge had taught at Hogwarts, but at the moment he didn't think about that at all. For a moment he watched Remus stand next to the window, looking out onto the grounds with an unreadable expression on his face. He had wiped away the tear-tracks and his face was impassive as ever, but nothing in his posture reminded Harry of the strong and powerful man he had gotten Remus Lupin to know as. Right now he only looked defeated and worried, as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders, and on his shoulders alone.

Harry knocked and Remus turned towards him. His expression didn't change, but he also made no move to start a conversation of his own. Harry nervously bit his lip for a moment, then he made a tentative step into the office. Other than a raised eyebrow, Remus gave no indication that he even acknowledged his presence in the room.

"Remus, I…I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I really am. I shouldn't have gotten angry with you. You are right, I don't really know what you're going through. It's just…I want this so much, Remus. I want him back so badly, I can't imagine that there is no other way…"

Remus smiled sympathetically and made a step towards Harry.

"I'm not angry, Harry. I'm just a bit short-tempered at the moment, sorry if I yelled at you."

He was at Harry's side now and gently placed a hand on the teenager's shoulder. Harry bit back a sob.

"I just want him back, Remus."
"I know."

Uncharacteristically unreserved, Remus wrapped his arms around Harry and pulled him close in a tight hug, one hand holding Harry's head against his shoulder. "I want him back as well, Harry. He was my friend, I loved him as well."

Harry silently nodded into Remus' shoulder, not saying anything in response. If possible, his sobs grew even more intense as he realized that Remus was right. Both of them had loved Sirius, but that he had never actually had the possibility to tell his godfather that. He had never told Sirius that he loved him, that he cared for him and was glad that Sirius had come into his life, despite all the problems that had kept them apart. And now he would not get another chance.

For a moment Remus held onto the shaking teenager, at a complete loss as to what else to say. There were no adequate words to describe what he was feeling. It had been a glorious moment of hope when they had discovered that Sirius was still connected to them by a thin thread. Glorious, yes - but short lived. If he was honest with himself, Remus had already thought about how it would be when Sirius was back with them, only to have his hopes smashed again. Maybe it was even harder this way. To know and to accept that Sirius was dead had been hard enough. To know now that he was - well, not really dead for a lack of a better description - made letting go of him even more difficult. Did he really have the right to make that decision? Did he have the right to cut Sirius off? Didn't he owe it to Harry and to himself to try anything that was in his power to save his friend?

But no matter how hard he tried, he simply could not find any words to tell Harry how he was feeling about all this, he only hoped the teenager would understand. He only hoped that Harry would forgive him for what he was about to do.

Remus gave Harry another moment to collect himself, knowing that it would only embarrass him further if he openly showed that he had realized how heavily Harry had been crying. And indeed Harry pulled himself together again very quickly, wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his robe and pulled back from Remus. He tried to give the older man a smile, but it was a forced one.

"I'm sorry. You have enough to worry about right now, you surely don't need my moods to top it all."

Remus smiled back in what he hoped was a reassuring way, but he instantly knew that this time he had not managed.

"Nothing to be sorry for, all right? Merlin knows that if one person knows how bad you feel at the moment, it's me."

Harry made a tentative step towards the door, but stopped himself from walking out as if there was something he wanted to say before he left. Remus just watched him, giving him the time he needed to collect his thoughts. After maybe a minute, Harry cast his eyes to the floor and bit his lip.

"I just wanted to say…about earlier, I mean. It's…I might not be able to understand how hard this is for you, but I understand that it's your decision to make and not mine. I know you don't need my agreement or anything, but I just want to tell you that whatever you decide, it's okay."

Harry didn't take his eyes from the floor and thus didn't see the sad smile on Remus' face.

"No Harry, it's not okay. And it probably never will be. You know that just as well as I do. But sometimes life is just like that, sometimes there is no good alternative when you have to make a choice. I'm trying to make the right choice, only I have never felt this helpless in my entire life before. I don't know if it's the right choice, I only hope I will be able to live with it."

Harry nodded again, still not raising his head to meet Remus' eyes. Remus only hoped that one day Harry would be able to look at him again, but he would not begrudge him if he couldn't. He himself didn't know yet if he would be able to live with what he was about to do.

Harry shuffled around uncomfortably for a bit, then he seemed to have found a line of thought that brought him back into safer waters.

"I think I'll head up into the library for a bit. I still got some summer assignments to do before term starts."

"Yes, might be better, if only for Hermione's peace of mind."

Harry smiled shakily and turned to leave the office. Remus watched him go, knowing fully well that Harry would not spend one single moment in the library with his homework. But he didn't mind that little white lie, he only wished he could share the teenager's optimism that there was still the time to find a way to bring Sirius back.