Chapter 36 – Clarification

Harry bravely stood the healer's examination, though he couldn't quite discern what all the wand-waving was about. At first he asked what the healer was doing, but gave that up quickly as the man's explanations only served to confuse him more. So he silently succumbed to the examination, and the only question he asked was the question of when he was going to be released. The healer mumbled something about a severe physical and magical exhaustion, and about wanting to watch Harry's condition for another day or two to see if there was a setback. Harry nodded finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the man left.

That was when Harry realised that he had absolutely nothing to do here. All his things were at Hogwarts, there was no newspaper or book with which he could distract himself from brooding. And for as long as he had not seen Sirius, he didn't want to brood about what had happened. His thoughts drifted off to Ron and Hermione. Remus had said that Hermione was angry, and Harry could only too well imagine that she was. He would be, if his friends had locked him up in a broom closet. Merlin, he would be angry if that had happened to him. That was what Remus had meant, he supposed. He had been so intent at bringing Sirius back that he had not spent any thought on what he had to do to reach that aim. He had locked one of his best friend in a broom closet, just because she had tried to keep him from risking his life. But she simply had not understood, unlike Ron she had not understood how much Harry had needed to do this. She hadn't understood how much Harry needed his godfather back. But knowing Hermione, she would be very angry about it. Furious. Ron was right, she'd probably never talk to him again.

And Ron had surely gotten into serious trouble with his parents. They had either noticed that Ron and Hermione had vanished, or they had noticed that the portkey of Ron's father had vanished. One way or another, they would get to know what had happened. It wasn't as if it would be easy to hide Sirius' return from the Order members, especially since Ron had been in the Ministry of Magic at the time it had happened. Mrs. Weasley would have Ron's head for that. This was probably worse than anything the twins had ever done, and those two had done a lot of things that had enraged their mother. Harry shuddered at the thought. Hermione was angry and Ron was in serious trouble, and it was all his fault.

But they had brought Sirius back, wasn't that the main thing? Hermione would not be furious forever. Harry would tell her that it had been wrong to lock her up, and that she had been right about his plan being illegal and dangerous, but the main thing was that it had worked, hadn't it? Surely even Hermione and Mrs. Weasley had to see that. Bringing Sirius back had been a goal worth striving for, Harry didn't doubt that. But how much would he have been willing to justify in order to achieve it? He had seriously scratched a very good friendship, and he had gotten his best friend into really big trouble. Not exactly something to be proud of, even if it had served its cause. Even if it had achieved something really, really good.

Harry sighed. He desperately needed something to distract himself from those thoughts, otherwise he'd drive himself mad. He could of course sneak out and try to search Sirius, but somehow he had the feeling that he would not get very far. He was wearing a pair of pyjamas and didn't know where his godfather was. He'd only attract attention if he walked around St. Mungo's like that in search of Sirius. He'd either be brought back here immediately, or he'd get his own nicely padded room upstairs, directly next to Lockhart's. And wouldn't that be just the icing on top of it all? Managing to bring Sirius back, only to be locked up as a nutcase. No, he'd have to distract himself differently.

With a sigh, Harry crossed his arms behind his back and stared up at the ceiling. It's general colour was white, but there were myriads of small and not quite so small spots on the ceiling. Before Harry knew what was happening, he had started counting. He didn't notice that the door to his room was opened a few minutes later, only when somebody sat down next to his bed did he stop counting and turn his head. Remus was sitting next to him, a curious smile on his face and a covered tray in his hands which he deposited on Harry's bedside table.

"Anything interesting up there?", he asked.

Harry shrugged. "So far, I've counted a hundred and twenty four black spots, nineteen greenish ones which might come from those disgusting potions they hand out here, and a large red one which I think might be blood."

He pointed with his index finger and Remus looked up at the ceiling.

"Well, considering St. Mungo's menu, I doubt that it's ketchup", Remus said after a moment, then looked down and uncovered the tray, depositing it in Harry's lap. "I've met the house elf who distributes the food here in front of your door. It will forever remain a universal mystery why hospital food tastes horribly, even if it's house-elfs preparing it, but there you go. Tuck in."

Harry looked down at his tray and found indeed nothing that would demand ketchup being poured over it. There were mashed potatoes with a little bit of gravy, and some indiscernible vegetables that could once have been green beans. If they were, Harry didn't want to know what had been done to them to make them look like they did now, but it must have been something horrible. He picked up his fork and tried a little of the potatoes and the might-be-beans. It tasted a little bit like cardboard, and the mashed potatoes were cold. They might have been better edible with the gravy, but there wasn't enough of it for the entire mound of potatoes. But still, it was food. Harry took a few bites, and decided that if he didn't focus too much on it, then it wouldn't be too bad. Though Remus was right, this was definitely not normal house-elf standard. It must have to do with this being a hospital, there simply was no other explanation. Hospital food simply was not supposed to taste good.

"Are there any news?", he asked after he had finished with his food.

Remus shrugged, took the tray out of Harry's hand and put it on the bedside table again. "Nothing, really. I dropped by at headquarters to tell them that you have woken up again. They are all very relieved, and I shall send greetings from Kingsley, Arthur, Molly and Ron."

Harry frowned a bit. "Are you released already? The healer told me that I had to stay at least another day."

"I got myself released this morning. The healers were not excited about it, but I was not in the mood to keep lying in bed for any longer. As long as I don't exhaust myself, I should be all right."

Maybe Harry should consider getting himself released as well. Wouldn't work, probably, as he still wasn't of age. So he'd just have to wait it out until he was released.

"Were Mr and Mrs Weasley very angry with Ron?"

"I imagine they were. I wasn't there to witness it, though, so there is nothing I can tell you about it. I know that Kingsley brought him back to Grimmauld Place after the rest of us were brought to St. Mungo's, and I imagine that even if Molly and Arthur had not noticed anything amiss until then, they surely did by the time he came back. I doubt that they were overly excited about what Ron did. After all, he stole his father's portkey and helped you in doing something illegal, dangerous and very, very stupid."

Harry felt a blush rise to his cheeks. "I didn't want him to get into any trouble."

"I believe that you didn't, but what did you expect? You know Molly and Arthur, and even if you didn't, no parent would be happy about their child doing what Ron did three days ago. I'm sure they both told him that in no uncertain terms, but if you want to know whether he has to face any repercussions for it, you will have to ask Ron yourself. I don't know, I cannot tell you that."

Harry nodded and drew a deep breath. He had a bad feeling about bringing Ron into this situation, but there was nothing he could do about that now. He guessed that he would be talking with Ron's parents about that, soon, whether he wanted to or not. The silence stretched between Harry and Remus, and it was only broken after a few minutes when Remus crossed his legs, leaned back in his chair and looked at Harry.

"There is something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"All right. What is it?"

Remus looked down at his hands for a moment, as if he was searching for the right words, then he looked up again.

"Aside from the fact that you broke a promise you had given me, that you foolishly risked your life with what you did, and that it was pure luck that saved you in the end, I have to thank you."

Harry frowned. "Thank me? But why?"

"There are two things. First of all, you saved my life. The healers here do not know about my connection with Sirius, so I don't have any medical opinion on it. After all, the Ministry has access to Sirius' medical records, and a blood bond with a werewolf mentioned in his files would indeed be something they might worry about, so I don't see any reasons to tell them about it. But with Sirius no longer behind the veil, there is no reason why he should be drawing from me anymore. The seizures should stop, and I at least have the feeling that I'm starting to get better. I'm sure that Poppy with put me through a thorough examination once she gets me into her clutches, but simple logic tells me that the blood bond should no longer threaten my life now that Sirius is back."

"That's good to hear. I'm glad that you're doing better, but from what I know, you would have been doing better as well after…well, after cutting Sirius off."

Remus nodded slowly. "Yes, probably. But that leads me to the second reason why I have to thank you. For one, I'm glad that I could escape getting poisoned by Severus. I trust him, but it was such an impromptu solution that nobody could know exactly about its possible risks. So many things might have gone wrong, especially considering that my physical condition was not ideal for what we were planning to do. But even more importantly, even if it had worked, it would have meant that Sirius had been gone for good. What you did, as stupid as it was and as lucky as you were, saved both of us, Sirius and me." Remus stopped and drew a deep, slightly shuddering breath. To Harry it seemed as if he was fighting hard to keep his composure, but even though he had gotten to know Remus as somebody who had perfected the art of keeping his demeanour indifferent in most cases, now Harry literally saw his facial expression threatening to slip out of his control again and again. After a few seconds, he had garnered enough control to continue. "I…I had given Sirius up. I believed that there was no other solution than to cut Sirius off. I am Sirius' friend, I love him dearly, and yet I gave him up. It wasn't easy, and probably living with it would have been hard or even unbearable, but fact is I gave him up. You presented a solution, but even that I pushed away because I was not willing to accept its risks. You found a way to save us both, in more than one way, or maybe you were just too bloody stubborn to accept Sirius' death, but in the end it doesn't matter. You saved him where I had already given him up, and for that I am very thankful. More than I can say."

Harry felt a blush rise to his cheeks. He didn't quite know what to answer to Remus' words, so he remained silent. During those long minutes while he had been counting the dots on the ceiling, another nagging question had popped up in his mind.

"Will I get expelled?"

Remus frowned. "Why would you get expelled?"

"The laws against underage magic. I blew up my aunt three years ago, and last year when I defended Dudley and myself against that Dementor they already wanted to expel me, even though that was self-defence. Well, what I did in the Department of Mysteries surely topped that quite a bit."

Remus smiled, as if something was greatly amusing him. "If only the Ministry knew, then they'd surely do something against it."

"What do you mean?"
"That the Ministry doesn't know what exactly it was that you did. You see, the Ministry doesn't monitor you as an underage wizard. That would be horribly difficult in wizarding families where magic is performed everyday. What they monitor is wand-usage. Every wand that is sold to an underage wizard will be monitored by the Ministry. That most people buy their wands from Olivander's makes it a lot easier to control that. He gives the information about the specifics of the wands he sells to new Hogwarts students to the Ministry, and they can control whether one of the wands is used during a time when it shouldn't be used. That's the whole trick behind it, and it also mean that you can do basically everything that is magic without using your wand. You can use the floo-network, you can wear invisibility cloaks, you can brew potions, and you can perform wandless magic. Which is what you did in the Department of Mysteries. Think about it, Harry. Did you use your wand that night?"

Harry thought for a moment, but indeed he could not remember any occasion on which he had used his wand. He had pulled it numerous times, but had not cast a single spell.

"No, I didn't. But then what does the Ministry do to monitor wizarding families? If what you say is true, then Ron could simply take his father's wand, or Bill's or Charlie's, perform magic and nobody would know. And what about that time when Dobby did magic at my relatives' house? The Ministry detected that as well, but they blamed it on me."

Remus frowned. "Theoretically, Ron could do that. That's one of the Ministry's biggest problems in monitoring underage magic. But it isn't as easy as you make it sound. I don't know if you ever performed magic using somebody else's wand, but it requires a lot of skill. Wands are very personal items, another wizard's wand will never work for you as well as your own. For somebody who is no fully trained wizard, it's nearly impossible to perform magic with another person's wand. Of course most kids try to use their parents' or siblings' wands once, but given the less than satisfying results, most only try it once. As for what Dobby did at your house – to be honest, I don't know. But your relatives' house was strongly warded, maybe that messed up with what they detected. Or maybe there was another reason entirely why they detected that and blamed it on you. After all, you were the only one capable of performing magic who was supposed to be at the house at that time. I don't know precisely which security wards are placed at Privet Drive, I only know that normally, the Ministry keeps tabs on the wands, and not on the wizards. If you really want to know, I'm sure Arthur can shed some light on this affair. He has a lot of personal experience on that matter, I believe. And he's more competent in Ministry procedures."

"If I remember it the next time I see him, I'll ask. By the way, do you know what happened to my stuff?"

"Kingsley said that Ron packed it all up and took it to Grimmauld Place. Albus looked through it, from what Molly said he took the book you used and gave it back to Severus, and he took the cloak. Dung somehow misplaced one of the two cloaks we usually used, and Moody refuses to give away his spare cloak until it's absolutely necessary, so we were in dire need of an invisibility cloak to guard Sirius whenever none of the Order members at the Ministry is on the official roster to guard his ward. But you'll get it back before the start of term. Molly mended the tear in the fabric."

Harry nodded absently, not really caring about the invisibility cloak right now. He'd get it back sooner or later, and if it was used to guard Sirius, then it was certainly put to good use.

"Professor Snape is surely furious."

Remus smiled. "I can imagine that he is, I haven't spoken to him yet. He definitely was very angry when we went to the Ministry. But I doubt that he has thought much about it yet. Albus brought him to Hogwarts immediately after we were found, I think he was in as much need of medical help as we were, if not more."

Harry's eyes widened. "He was injured? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Not injured as such. But what he did was dangerous for him as well. He might come from a family of Necromancers, but during your researches you should have found out that Necromancy is something that requires training. And that is something Severus doesn't have, at least not sufficiently to minimise the dangers of what he was doing in the Death Chamber. From all I know, he's all right but what he did has weakened him remarkably. It won't become pretty, but I think you ought to talk to him once you're both up and about again. Apologise to him."

Harry nodded, though the idea of apologising to Severus Snape was not a thing he looked forward to. Most probably, Snape would not even want to hear what Harry had to say, but Remus was right. He needed to do this. He had a lot of apologising to do in the foreseeable future, but bringing Sirius back had been worth it.

"You knew it, didn't you?"

Remus frowned at Harry's question. "Did I know what?"

"That Professor Snape is a Necromancer. It also explains why he reacted the way he did when I asked him about it."

Remus nodded. "I knew it, yes."

"How come you knew that?"
Remus drew a deep breath, but instead of speaking, released it again. There was silence for a few beats, then Remus shook his head. "I'm afraid I cannot answer that question, Harry. It's a story which is not mine to tell, though I highly doubt that you'll ever gather it from the only other possible source. I can only tell you that Severus certainly never intended for anybody – much less me – to find out about it, and that I did despite that is a knowledge which does not sit well or comfortable with him."

"Why didn't you tell me? You must have thought about it when you found out I was researching Necromancy."

"I did indeed. But it was not my place to tell anybody about it. Necromancy is not something most wizards see as a talent, and those who have that gift prefer to remain unknown to others who haven't. Just because I know about this doesn't mean that it's my place to tell others about it. Even though, or maybe especially, because I knew you were researching the topic."

"He wouldn't have helped, anyway."

Remus nodded. "No, he probably wouldn't have. Actually, I talked about it to him, and he said explicitly that he wouldn't help."

"In the end, he did help."

"Yes, for two reasons. One was to save your life, the other was to close the portal you had opened again. You had started something that needed to be finished, he didn't have much choice in the matter. Severus didn't do this voluntarily, he did it neither for saving Sirius nor for helping you. Severus was forced to do this, because he was the only one who had the ability to do so. That is one of the reasons why I think you have to apologise to him. I doubt that Severus, if he had been given the choice, would have done that voluntarily."

Harry sighed deeply, and Remus smiled.

"I know that it's much, but that's part about growing up. Those are the consequences of your actions, and now you have to deal with them."

"I know. Doesn't make it easier."

Remus laughed. "No. But nobody promised you it would be easy. Life generally isn't."

Harry nodded. If anybody knew, it was him.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

When Severus woke again, the room was no longer dark. That meant he had slept at least through the night, though judged from how much better he felt it could also be that Albus had sedated him for the entire following day and the night afterwards. It was a slightly disturbing experience not to know what day it was and how long he had been sleeping, but sooner or later Severus would find out. If something important had happened, Albus would have let him know. But no matter how long he had been sleeping, he definitely felt better than the last time he had been awake. Weak still, but definitely better. And as he was alone in his quarters and there was nobody around who could have stopped him, he saw absolutely no need to remain lying in bed any longer. With slow and careful movements, he threw back the covers and gradually brought himself into a sitting position. His head began to hurt again and he felt slightly dizzy, but after a moment of breathing deeply, that feeling passed and he swung his legs out of bed. But just as he got up from the bed and tried to stop his legs give in to the feeling that the room was swaying around him, the door to his rooms opened and Albus appeared. Quickly, the older man crossed the distance between himself and Severus and stretched out a hand to steady him.

"Severus, you really should not be up yet."

Severus barely suppressed a groan. "What did you do, place a monitoring charm on my room so that I had no chance of getting up unnoticed?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "Indeed I did something like that. Not to watch you, but to make sure that nothing happened to you. After all, nobody except from the two of us know that you are here, and - if I may say so - that you are in a less than healthy condition. And where did you want to go, if I may inquire?"

Severus pulled a grimace. "To the bathroom. And before you say anything, I definitely feel well enough to do that on my own, thank you very much."

He straightened up and walked over towards the door that led into his bathroom. Severus might have been ready to admit that he was weakened remarkably, maybe even that he appreciated Albus' help, but he would not throw away the last of his dignity if he could prevent it. It would take a lot more than physical exhaustion to make him accept help with what he was about to do now. When he came out of the bathroom a few minutes later he felt definitely better, though also rather tired again. So he did not protest when Albus reached for his arm and led him over to the bed. A house elf must have been in the room while he had been in the bathroom, because a tray with tea and toast was standing on his nightstand. Severus sank down onto the mattress and picked up the cup of tea. Albus pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed.

"How are you feeling?"

Severus shrugged. "Better. Not as well as I would like to feel, but that'll pass. Do you have any news?"

Albus looked at him for a moment. "Remus is already up and about again. He got himself released from hospital already. Harry will be released soon. And Sirius woke up again last night."

Severus didn't know if he even wanted to hear the answer to his question, nevertheless he posed it.

"What condition is he in?"

"I don't know, I haven't yet been to see him. But as soon as I know anything, I'll tell you."

Severus didn't know if he had grimaced at those words, but Albus cocked his head to the side and looked at him inquiringly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Dumbledore's voice was gently but Severus didn't look up into the older man's eyes. He knew the force that could be behind this midnight-blue gaze, and today he was sure that he wouldn't be able to stand the look in those eyes without breaking down. It was hard enough to keep the dark memories at bay even when he didn't feel as if Albus could read every single of his thoughts with a single gaze. He kept his gaze fixed on the cup of tea in his slightly shaking hands.

"Talk about what?"

The words came out harsher than he had intended, but there was no taking them back now. Albus either didn't notice, or he didn't mind.

"About what happened once Harry let go off the connection. I know that you have never been forced to go this far before. I am no Necromancer, I might not be able to relate to what you have experienced, but I'm always willing to listen."

Severus breathed in deeply, a breath which was a bit too shaky and shuddering for his own liking.

"I don't know", he finally said. "Would it help talking about it? Do I even want to talk about it? I just don't know, Albus. I only know that I never want to experience something like that again."

Albus remained silent after this, but he also didn't make any move to leave the room. One reason why he had put the monitoring charm on Severus' rooms was not only the potions master's physical condition, but also that he didn't know how Severus would react to what he had been through mentally. Severus drank his tea and stared at his own hands for long minutes.

"It was pure luck", he finally said in a low, but steady voice. "Pure luck that I brought Black back, pure luck that I managed to come back at all." Severus bit his lip and shook his head as if to free himself from a particularly unpleasant memory. "It was like being sucked into a void. I didn't know where I was, how I was supposed to get to Black, or even how I was supposed to get back. And then…", he swallowed and shook his head at Albus who had wanted to place a hand on Severus' shoulder. Severus knew he couldn't stand to be touched now. Albus withdrew his hand and silently leaned back in his chair. Severus was staring down at his hands again.

"They were everywhere, all of a sudden, as if they sensed that I was able to bring them back. It's hard to describe, Albus. It felt like being dragged into a hundred directions at once by hands so cold that they burned into my skin. I was telling them to stop, telling them that I had come for Black and Black alone, but they weren't listening. I…I knew I wasn't trained, that I wasn't sufficiently prepared to perform this kind of magic, but I had never thought that it would be this bad. I don't remember what happened, I only know that it was the worst thing I've been through in my entire life."

Finally, he looked up at Albus, and the headmaster nearly flinched as he saw the hollow and pained expression in the younger man's eyes. He cared deeply for Severus Snape, though most others did not understand the reasons for this close connection. But Albus and Severus knew what their friendship, formal as it might seem at times, was based on. Unlimited trust, for one. Trust that had been forged in the most dire of situations, years and years back.

"No matter who asks it of me, not matter what is at stake, I will never do this again. Even if I could succeed one more time, I know I wouldn't come back whole again. I couldn't do it again, ever."

Albus nodded at him then, and gently pressed Severus back into the mattress with a hand on his forehead.

"It was always my biggest fear that Voldemort would demand this sacrifice from you one day. And as I realized that you had been forced into doing it, I was afraid you would not come back again. I'm thankful that you had the strength to return whole and unbroken even without the sufficient training. I was afraid you would not make it."

Severus saw that Albus was swallowing hard against his emotions, yet he didn't know what to say. Severus knew after all the years that Albus cared about him, but knowing it and reacting to it were two entirely different things. Severus wasn't used to people caring about him. So he simply closed his eyes and allowed his tired mind to drift off.

"I simply never want to do this again, Albus. Never again."

"I promise I won't put you into such a situation again. I know it might not be enough, but I promise you at least the little that I can."

Severus didn't react, but with a smile Dumbledore noticed how the younger man's breathing had evened out. He let his hand remain on Severus' forehead for a moment longer, then he pulled the blanket up to Severus' shoulders, got up from his chair and walked out of the room.