Author's Notes: This chapter is devoted to Snape's ramblings.
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns the Harry Potter series.
Chapter Thirteen: Prepared
Snape wandered back to his room in a daze, the story that Dumbledore had just relayed to him swimming in his head. Images of Joseph Ramsey flashed through his mind, giving him the urge to punch the wall and scream.
Knowing that Claudia had died in such a senseless way made him feel both angry and helpless. He should have been there! Perhaps if he had known he would have been, and Ramsey would never have been able to lay a finger on Claudia.
Something Dumbledore had said and did gave Snape pause for thought also.
"Her father is unknown. Perhaps if he had been known, he would not have been in a position to care for the child."
The look Dumbledore had given him after this comment had startled Snape. It was as if he was considering Snape's role in all of this and putting the pieces together. But, how could he know? If Claudia had not revealed who the father of her child was then how could Dumbledore possibly suspect it was him? He and Claudia had kept their relationship a secret at Hogwarts. The only person who knew was a friend of Claudia's, Amelia Ryan, and he could not imagine Amelia blabbing to anyone, much less Dumbledore. Also, surely Dumbledore would have mentioned something before this if he suspected that Claudia's daughter was his child.
His child. The idea still seemed so strange. That girl – that brat – was his child, his child with Claudia. A mixture of them both, a product of their relationship, of the feelings they had had for each other. At the same time however, he loathed the girl. She was arrogant and impertinent; she was a constant reminder of how badly he had handled his relationship with Claudia. She was a reminder of what he could have had, but didn't, and he hated her for that. She had lived and Claudia had died, and, given the choice between her and her child, he knew Claudia would not have had it any other way; he hated the brat for that too.
If there had been no child involved would Claudia have regretted their bitter parting? Would she have fought harder for him, to keep him away from Lucius Malfoy and the Dark Lord? If there had been no child would Claudia be alive today – the two of them together and happy? She had been his only chance for happiness, and she was gone. Had the child been partly to blame for that?
And what of the future? In two weeks, the brat would be back at the school and sitting at the front of his Potion's class, staring at him out of Claudia's eyes. How was he supposed to cope with that? Was he supposed to pretend he knew nothing and just put it all behind him, carry on as if she was just another student? Was he supposed to stand back and watch her grow into an adult and then wave her off after her seventh year, never to see her again? Was that the right thing to do?
The last thing he wanted was for the brat to know. It was bad enough that he knew! However, it still felt cold to allow his last remaining link to Claudia to slip so slowly through his fingers until he lost her completely. What would Claudia have said to him if she knew?
On the other hand, Claudia didn't want him to know. If she had, she would have told him! He was sitting here mourning her, and she had not even had the decency to let him know she was going to have a baby. She obviously didn't want him involved at all. So why should he sit here feeling guilty for not wanting anything to do with the brat? Why was he wasting his time thinking about the right thing to do? His life had been just fine without this mess suddenly dropped into his lap.
Dumbledore said the girl had a guardian – well that settled it. The girl was fine on her own. In fact, she would probably be just as horrified as he was if she discovered the truth. It was better for both of them if he did just forget about it and carry on as normal, as if the girl was absolutely nothing to him. And she was nothing to him. She may look like Claudia, but that was just something he would have to grow accustomed to. So he had to teach her a few times a week – so what? He had to teach a plethora of other students that he detested too, day in and day out. She was just one more. He could get used to the face. He had allowed himself to indulge in old, forgotten feelings for too long, and it had weakened him. He needed to put those feelings behind him now and move on. Claudia was dead and there was nothing that could be done about it. To continue to hold on to a dream of a life he could never have was preposterous.
The last remaining problem was Dumbledore. Short of asking him outright, something he could never do, how would he be able to determine exactly how much Dumbledore knew about the girl's parentage? Would Dumbledore take it upon himself to orchestrate a father/daughter reunion? Would he feel it his "duty" to give the girl a family – even if it was a family that neither wanted her nor was wanted by the girl herself?
If Dumbledore was merely suspicious then that could be rectified. He would just be sure to give Dumbledore no more reason to suspect him. He should not have allowed Dumbledore to see how Claudia's story affected him – that had been a moment of weakness. That moment was over however, and would never be repeated again. If Dumbledore brought up Claudia again, he would be prepared.