(A/N) Chapter 4 is FINALLY here! Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry it took so long! Anyway enjoy! Sorta long one. Thanks to my BETA Mel!

Chapter 4: Love and Hate

Sara nearly danced to work the next day. Any evidence of a hangover was gone she felt happy and weightless; nothing could daunt her. She tossed Nick a grin over her shoulder as she passed him in the hall.

Nick raised an eyebrow, turning to Warrick. "Looks to me like maybe Grissom did more than take her home last night."

Warrick just nodded, trying to shove the mental image from his mind.

She collected her assignment, a shooting with Catherine and Nick. She grabbed her vest, slipping it on and took her kit with her to the Tahoe. As she climbed into the car with Nick, he gave her a sly grin.

"What!" she demanded.

"If I didn't know better I'd swear something happened between you and Grissom last night."

Sara disguised her smile with a look of mock indignation. "Unfortunately you do know me better, and you know nothing is there to happen."

He shrugged, giving her a 'you never know…' look.

She ignored him skillfully. "Start the car Nick."

He rolled his eyes and put the key in the ignition; he knew better than to insult Sara Sidle. "Whatever you say." He remained silent until they got to the crime scene.

"The bedroom's mine!" he exclaimed.

Sara smacked him across the shoulder. "You jerk! I'm not taking perimeter."

Catherine grinned as she stepped between them. "You guys are worse than kids! Sara you take bedroom with me, Nick you take perimeter."

Nick groaned but obeyed; after all she was leading CSI on the case. Catherine led the way up to the bedroom, Sara in hot pursuit. "So Sara…how'd it go last night?"

Sara looked up in surprise "What?"

Catherine had a wicked grin on her face. "Well you seem happy and Grissom took you home last night…"

She trailed off, letting Sara fill in the blanks.

Sara's jaw dropped when she figured out what Catherine was implying. "No! No way! Nothing happened!"

Catherine grinned "Alright Sara, but honestly; we all know you guys have a thing" Sara let the comment roll off of her but she sincerely hoped that there was some truth in what she had said.

Sara strode out of the interrogation room satisfied that she had convicted the suspect. Catherine smiled in confirmation that she had done a good job as they passed in the hall. Sara straightened up as she closed the distance between her and her destination. As she drew closer her stomach was filled with butterflies.

She leaned gracefully against the doorframe, one of her favorite positions. "Hey, Grissom?"

He looked up, pulling his glasses off of the bridge of his nose and setting them on the table. He smiled softly, the smile he reserved for her alone.

"Sara, what can I do for you?"

She stepped gingerly into his office, pulling the door closed behind her. "I was hoping we could talk."

He looked slightly taken aback. He pushed his chair back and put his pen down.

"Alright…about what?"

She took a low breath as if preparing herself.

"About last night. I heard what you said."

He forced his face into a look of confusion. "What did I say?"

In side his mind was screaming Grissom you idiot! Why would you say that, you knew she was awake! Now what are you going to do? Sara hesitated a moment before plowing ahead.

"You and I…last night in the car while I was resting you said…you said you loved me and I…"

He cut her off abruptly with a sharp cough.

"Sara, I don't know if you remember but both of us had had quite a bit to drink. Whatever you heard was most likely the alcohol speaking."

Sara stared incredulously at him, her eyes blazing angrily.

"What?" she whispered, her voice lowered dangerously. "You…you unbelievable..."

She didn't bother finishing, but turned sharply and left, slamming the door hard behind her. She bit down on her lip furiously until she tasted blood. Angrily, she threw open her locker and grabbed her bag then slammed it shut. She stormed out to her car, ignoring Catherine's protests. Small drops of rain pinged against the top of the car and Sara scowled, taking her anger out on the road. She had never driven so precariously.

Meanwhile Catherine strode into Grissom's office. "What did you do?" she sighed, not bothering to invite herself in.

Sara pulled up into her driveway, gathered up her stuff and went inside. Dumping her things on the floor she grabbed the first thing she saw, an ugly vase, and heaved it across the room. It shattered over the floor adding to the turmoil she felt within herself. She laughed bitterly, her voice cracking dangerously in the silence. She really had to give up this wild goose chase of a relationship, it wasn't going anywhere…it never would.

She slid down the wall until she hit the wall. She groaned, thinking to herself How could I be so stupid? To actually think that Gil Grissom would have feelings for me or even admit them if he did. No it's not me it's him, and to think that I thought he could help me get over what happened… Her thoughts turned back to the long pearly scar on her back once again How could I think he would help me… she trailed off. She shut off her mind and climbed into the shower, willing the memories to leave her alone. "You know at times like these I actually might kill for a cigarette," she muttered as she dried herself off. She made her way over to the fridge, in her newly adorned peach pajamas, past the shattered mess and grabbed a cold beer, drinking deeply. This time she didn't feel the slightest bit guilty about downing one, then two, maybe even six beers; she didn't care anymore. She turned the radio on and let the soft drone fill her soul.

If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
then why isn't my heart meant for you

Tossing the empty bottle into the trash, she slid through the door onto the porch. The rain poured down and she stood still, letting herself become drenched with the rain water. The water ran over her face and she stared blankly out into the night. "What's the point!" she screamed into the darkness. The thunder rolled back and she clutched the railing tightly "What's the damn point" shesaid quietlyin a defeated tone. The wrought iron railing dug deep grooves into her hands as they tightened around it. Hanging her head, the water dripped from her eyelashes and she let go. "Fine," she muttered. "Just fine." Sara walked back into the house and made her way into her bedroom.

Her room was as welcoming as always but it felt empty somehow. Arms outstretched, staring at the ceiling she flung herself onto the bed, feeling it wrap around her skin. She gazed around the meticulously clean room and couldn't help but think of Grissom's love and need for order. It angered her that even in her own room she could think of nothing but Grissom.

This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before

Grissom sat in his car. What have I done? This is Sara, SARA for goodness sakes! If you can tell anyone you can tell her! He rested his head on the steering wheel. He needed to see her, and he needed to make sure she was ok. He started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

She curled up in her bed, resting her head on the pillow. He had just seemed so perfect, so…her. Ever since that seminar at Harvard she had known there was something special about him. She didn't try to push him out of her mind anymore, there really wasn't any point. She wanted to drop him, hurt him like he'd hurt her and make him suffer.

She grabbed another beer from the fridge and let the cool liquid soothe her throat. More than that, it helped her leave the pain behind, if only for a few hours. She took a small portrait off the wall. It wasn't really a portrait, more of a glass frame. It contained a butterfly, an Ornithoptera Paradisea, so Grissom had told her. It was gorgeous. It had been a gift one year; he had been flustered when he gave it to her. He had explained that the one time she had been over to his house, to discuss a case; she had commented on it, saying how beautiful it was. So he gave it to her. As she stared into the green depths of the wings the familiar ache resumed its position on her heart.


Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame

Grissom was nervous. Extremely nervous. He'd never done this before, gone out to talk to a woman at one in the morning while it was pouring rain. Of course this wasn't just any woman; this was Sara, his Sara. He pulled up in her driveway and ran up the steps to the front door. His hand hesitated a moment before he did it. He pushed the doorbell.

Sara started when she heard the doorbell. Who would come to her apartment at one in the morning? She pulled herself off the couch and tossed the empty beer bottle into the trashcan. She didn't particularly want whoever it was to know she had been drinking. She shuffled to the door in her pajamas and fingered the doorknob.


Lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
So when the lights go down
Am I the only one

Her fingers curled around the cold metal knob and she pulled it open. As soon as she did she had the urge to slam it once again. Grissom stood in the doorway, his normally wavy hair was in tight packed curs due to the rain and the wet drops were pouring off his face. "Gr…Grissom?" She managed to choke out. He looked almost as surprised as she was that he had appeared on her doorstep.

"Do you want to go out for coffee?"

Sara gaped at him. "What!" She was snarling again. "You do THAT then want to go out for coffee! What is wrong with you? You're self centered jerk!"

Grissom stepped back a bit. "Yeah, I sort of had that one coming. Look, I want to apologize."

Sara was glowering at him "Unbelievable. You…you are really a piece of work…" she said and turned abruptly, slamming the door in his face.

"Sara!" He called loudly; no way was he going to let her go like this, not when he had done something to cause it. "Sara! Open the door!" She grabbed the door and threw it open, the handle connecting with the wall.

"What Grissom? What do you have to say that I would want to hear? Maybe that I'm a liar, rub it in a little more? Yeah that sounds like you," she growled.

"No, actually I came to apologize, as I tried to say before."

She rolled her eyes and Grissom took the moment to glance at the rest of her. She was wearing thin peach colored P.J.'s that were almost see through, see through enough to see she wasn't wearing a bra. She smelled different too, she smelled like alcohol, beer mostly. He saw her shift her weight and questioned, "Are you drunk?"

She looked about ready to explode but surprised Grissom by simply saying "Not nearly drunk enough." He lifted an eyebrow but didn't press further. "Look Sara, I came here to do something. I wanted to say I'm sorry for today. I really didn't mean what I said. I was just so surprised that you had remembered what I said that…"

Sara cut him off abruptly "So you're saying you did say you love me?"

He nodded "I did, and I really meant it, so I'm sorry I didn't admit it."

Sara was melting, she didn't mean to, she had meant to be standoffish, but what he had just admitted…she had waited for that for a long time! A very long time. She tried to hide the blossoming smile but couldn't, it exploded onto her face. "Me too Grissom, me too."

He didn't dare look hopeful, but when she threw her arms around him, he let his grin free as well. He held her tightly and breathed in her scent which made him remember. "Sara, I want to take you out for coffee to talk, but not at one in the morning. What do you say? Tomorrow at eight?"

She pulled back and nodded vigorously, that's when he the shattered vase. "Sara?" he gasped. "What the hell did you do?"

She gave him a bleak look. "I…uh…got mad and threw it…not a big deal." He looked beyond her and sighed.

"Sara? Can I come in?" She nodded and he entered slowly, not wanting to invade her personal space. "Look, you need to get in bed, Clear your head, I'll clean up the mess."

She blinked, trying to clear the haze of exhaustion that was settling in front of her eyes. "Yeah…yeah ok." She walked backwards a bit and let Grissom show her to her bedroom

"You go to sleep; you've been overworking yourself. Sleep it off and I'll be back tomorrow morning for coffee."

Sara nodded wearily and sunk into bed, falling asleep before her head even hit the pillow. Then Gil Grissom, being the gentleman he was, went and cleaned up the angry mess Sara had made.

TBC…