Chapter 7 – Thinking of You

I looked up from hitting him again... I was angry. I was always angry in regards to him. He... he was perversion of everything. Everything. This was not the way Gaia meant things to be... I may have given up praying, but I'd never give up the faith I had in the Planet. I'd never give up my faith in people most of all.

Sephiroth was never a person.

"What do you intend for me to do with my gift?" I spoke, noticing that I'd scraped him a bit with my nails. No bruise. Pity. He leered, and I knew an inkling of what was going through his mind... gods, did this thing have anything unsoiled about him?

And why did I enjoy it when I kissed him?

My thoughts were wandering and I had to focus on whatever tripe he was cooking up. He made a show of getting in the right posture; haunty, and standing right over Tifa. Vae victus. Ancient words that just seemed to sing in his presence. So who's the conquered, Peacock?

"I thought she would be excellent to practice on," he said, without missing a beat, "I figured a female would be more evenly matched... and you do need to work on your combat skills. They lack the same panache as your magic." Of course, you can say that, can't you? You were trained from birth to be a weapon, I was...

I'd never realized that I had been one to. But in a different manner. Sacrificing someone for a cause can be a weapon in many ways too...

But Tifa? She'd kick my scrawny little butt. And I doubted she would fight me... there was a certain rivalry, I'll admit, but it never got in the way of us. Maybe had we known each other for a few years, but then? I loved her like a sister, and I never got the impression to the contrary from her...

Did I ever miss her. Seeing her looking up at me now, big brown eyes narrowed at me...

She was awake. I always knew she was hard to knock out. Judging from the expression on Sephiroth's face, he knew, and she'd bee awake for a good amount of time. I wish that he'd just tell me that he was going to screw royally with my life... then maybe I could at least dodge. Or impale him on his own sword.

Why are my thoughts so... evil?

He reached down and delicately removed the ribbon from Tifa's mouth. She tried to bite him, but he must have learned to avoid it. I guess I was the only one who'd gotten a good taste of him. Bitter.

"You bastard! First you... and now, this hussy you've got parading around as Aeris..." she began, as a string of similar thoughts erupted from her mouth. Sephiroth smiled. I waited for her to get out the emotion before speaking.

"It is me, you know," I said, feeling warm to see her up close. Is your reality so twisted by your guilt still? Did you ever find yourself, amidst all of that... Cloud?

"You can't be her... she's dead!" she choked on the word, and I could see the hysterics were getting to her, "You dishonor her... consorting with... with..." I frowned. She wouldn't understand why I still remained in his presence. She wouldn't even understand my life.

She always said she thought best while fighting. Maybe beating me up would calm her a little. Maybe... maybe I needed to be punished for my wicked thoughts.

"Sephiroth, can I have—" I began, but the words caught in my throat as I saw that he held what I was about to ask for. But a twisted version of it... like everything else my new life seemed to be filled with.

A staff. A wicked and bladed staff.

He stepped back, probably to avoid Tifa's immediate wrath upon him. She seemed focused a bit on me for the moment anyway, so he didn't really have to worry. I was a perversion, the current reality on her memories of the past. And Tifa had a way of turning things around in her memory... the confused dear.

I cut the ropes with the staff, and was welcomed with a fist to my chin. Normally, I would be out cold with a blow like that. But I wasn't normal. I barely felt it... and that was... strangely exhilirating.

I wasn't so weak after all.

"You better not be hiding, Sephiroth," Tifa snarled, readjusting her stance, "Once I take care of your little friend here, I'm coming after you!" When did Tifa become so... bold? Did her hatred run that deep? Could she be so blinded by the pains of the past to not see me?

I had to make her see. We wanted the same things!

Since I hadn't been knocked out, or even down, she considered her moves more carefully. Still, I remembered a few of her techniques, she'd joking offered to teach me on a number of occasions, and I could somewhat anticipate her moves. And there was something I noticed, from the way she stood...

She was a little out of shape. The peaceful life had softened her a bit.

And I was grinning. Almost like my face had taken wild abandon from my mind. Lunge, block, lunge, lunge, block... I was the aggressor, and she was my quarry... it felt good.

That's when I dropped the staff. This... this wasn't me. It had to be him, master manipulator... he was controlling me! I don't want to hurt anyone... especially, no, not even him!

Tifa took the oppurtunity to lay a swift kick to my jaw, which I could feel bruise... but that was about it. But I was riled up, I was panting, I felt... gods, how inappropriate. And he wasn't in sight during the fight... but I knew he was watching. Sneaky dirty little man.

"Loz, handle her." Just as I expected. Let the puppets handle the dirty work. Watch from your high place.

Tifa hadn't moved from her spot, eyes darting around, looking for her enemy. I'd been forgotten, it seemed, and that hurt so much worse seeing it in front of me. Maybe that's why I liked the fighting so much... I was seen. But no... no. I couldn't even kid myself about that.

"Tifa." The part of me that was still Aeris couldn't just let her be. She, she of all people should know me. She had to.

She stopped her searching for a moment and stared at me. Really studied me, without looking for defects or weaknesses or openings. The briefest flickers of a smile graced her features before they returned to the battle hardened stare. So close.

"Aeris is dead," she said, with the gentlest voice I'd ever heard from her, "Go back to your master, whore." There could only be bitterness, I realized. I wasn't the girl they used to know... they would never accept me. So I was right to hide. I was right.

Gods... I was right. Or else I would have fallen to my knees and prayed by now. But my knees were stiff and hardened by aching joints.

The blur... there was more fighting, probably Loz, the big one, the smallest smudge of silver and the largest of black. Tifa's voice was the only one I heard, but it was mostly quick insults and challenges... but the world... where did it stop spinning...?

Maybe if I just got lost in it, got lost in the violence, I would feel again. And so I beat at them, at Tifa, at Loz, and always at his face... only, I didn't know who he was anymore. But I made him, her—I made bleed. The blade, so cleverly disguised as a staff had shown me something.

Maybe this was why Gaia had made me weak. Outside her thrall... I was...

"What is there left to sin if you've transcended the gods who made virtue?"

Pompous ass. "I will lead. Do you understand? I'm not your puppet." No, I'm your flower, picked from life and death. We're so poetic in our bloodlust, aren't we?

"I saw that look in your eye. She would make a good pet, with a little work, wouldn't she?" My hair had been loosed again, and this time it wasn't him... it was my own hand. Can a person pretend their whole lives?

Rough stone floor, it's cold. This is only association though, because I'm not kneeling, I'm standing so straight that I'm almost stone myself. Manakel, Manakel... from the oceans, rough rocks, I want to sink back into the ocean's floor...

"Did you forget your prayers? That was a victory, despite that girl's injuries upon you." My fist is full of hair and I pull on it. Can you feel my pain? Can you?

He purrs.

"What if I killed you?" I whisper, there are false pretenses everywhere and all I can think of is this... power? No. Strength.

I lower myself down, not prostrate, not groveling... I do not expect anyone to follow me, except him, and I see it now. He didn't want a pet at all. He wanted... it's always the female with him, always... but we've evolved from Mother, haven't we?

"Then you would die with me. Quite simple." Vain, vain, vain... but aren't I a little vain too? Is that why I like to tear at his hair, still long after all these years when mine's been shorn?

"Beg."

But there are no words needed for this part. To defeat evil, I heard that you must become it... but in that sense, you are no better off. Just an anti-villain waiting for the chance to seize the world.

Since I cannot have what I want...

"Of course..."

I hope Tifa hears us. I hope they all do. Maybe then... then they'll see and I can quite this pretending. It wasn't the protector I needed... it was the sword.

AN: Sorry this took a while. Getting married. Much planning. Much headaches. And this chapter... read BETWEEN the lines. Oh, teh kinky.