To Rachel;
I suppose you never really expected this from me. I'm not a sentimental man; at least, I never used to be. Times have certainly changed. If you woke, even though I know you won't, you'd be in a world you couldn't possibly recognize. I've lived here more than a year now, but the hatred for everything I see hasn't faded. If anything, it's grown worse.
I wish I still had you. I've wished that for a very long time, and I know it's never going to be true. You died five years ago. Even if your body still lives in the old man's basement, you haven't been in it for a very long time now. I don't expect that you'd even remember me, no matter what anyone said. I've been lost to you since the day in the caves, because of my own greed. I didn't realize what I had.
You were my greatest treasure. Funny, isn't it, how I didn't realize that until you were gone? Arvis -he was a friend of mine - once said something like that, that a person never knows what they value until they lose it. Twice now I've lost the things that mattered most to me.
I suppose it's only fair to tell you that things changed the most a year and a half ago. The Empire, who attacked my home for no reason and took you away, became my enemies and I was determined to fight them every way I could - to absolutely never forget them. Somewhere along the way I met a woman. Since you wouldn't remember me anyway, I don't know why I felt so guilty for it, but my only defense is that, as unlikely as it sounds, when I saw her I thought of you.
She was captured by the empire, though it was hard to overlook that she was once their general, turned traitor against them. She would make a powerful ally, I thought. In truth, I suppose I thought as well that I owed her - owed your memory because of the way I failed you. I asked very little of her past and only protected her as best I could. You would have wanted me to, wouldn't you?
When she hurt me, when my trust in her failed, I turned to you again. When I woke in this crumbling, desolate ruin of a world, searching for something to fill the emptiness, you were there. Twice now I've run from the past, hoping I could somehow undo or forget what happened that day. I may have found a way to bring you back to me. I do it as much for her as for you, a way to atone for all of the heartache I've wrought.
When you awaken, I'll ask you. I already know the answer, given that you were kind and thoughtful and altogether too good for a man like me, but I'll ask you just the same. Is there any way that you could forgive me? For everything I've done? Can life go on, after all of this?
The world is dead and here I sit, bemoaning my own woes. Is that yet another failure, that I worry more over you than what we've done to this once-beautiful world of ours? How can anyone face the day, knowing how much we've lost? Is there a point that we really can never move back from? I like to think you might have known the answers. In the deepest part of my heart, I sometimes hope you never wake up - I've idealized you, beyond what any person has any right to expect from another. I don't fear disappointment, though. I fear letting you down again, once more not being all that you needed of me.
If I can fix the world, I will. It isn't possible to repair the sky, I don't think. The blue will probably forever be stained a bloody red, a perpetual sunset always marring the horizon. If people can stop living in fear... I think that will be enough to satisfy me. But first, I have my own daemons to kill. After that, the last of the empire won't stand a chance.
If I can give you your moment... if I can finally end my search... I think I might finally be content. Maybe my sleep won't be so painful. I used to dream of you every night. Now it's rare, and I hate that. I swear to you, Rachel, no matter what happens, I won't forget. That's the smallest thing I can offer, but I offer it just the same. Please don't let go. I still love you, if only in a different way from before. I need to believe in you, because if I can, then maybe... maybe I might be able to believe in myself again someday.
Ollen70: Yet another chapter in an indefinite string of possibilities. Like I've said, this story is just sort of stress relief for me. I have no idea what to expect from it. However, if you can think of a character or situation you'd like to see, please let me know. I'd be happy to write about it for you. Thanks for reading. Any comments are, as always, greatly appreciated.