Author: GrapeSmshr
Rated: R
Coupling: HP/SS slashy goodness
Disclaimer: As much as I wish it were so, these charas don't belong to me.
A/N: Wow. I didn't expect such a positive feedback from the first chapter. I am in awe of you guys. Truly amazing. So now, as a treat, I am posting this chap earlier than I planned. Many thanks go out to Crazy Mary-J, who utterly saved me from my plotholes. So without further ado, read on and enjoy!
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Chapter 2: Confusion
It had taken a while for Harry to realize exactly where he was. It had taken much longer for him to move. In that instant where he had been brought back, he had felt the excruciating pain of his heart exploding. It had debilitated him into a gasping, slobbering puddle of flesh on the ground, unable to move even though his heart beat strongly and steadily in his chest. Damn those residual aftershocks of his death! Like one time wasn't horrible enough?
After what seemed like a lifetime or two, Harry finally pushed himself into a standing position on shaky legs. He had been walking ever since.
That had been over two hours ago.
Of course it had been fitting for him to have found himself in the exact same spot he had died, where the last battle had taken place. Had his body been lying out there for the past two days? Did no one know he was dead? No, no, there had been others around.
For the first time in his nineteen years, he wished that he could have spent more time with Malfoy. Then he could have asked some of those questions he has wanted to. Oh well, too late now.
That wasn't his main concern, anyway. He was more worried about getting out of the Forbidden Forest unscathed since he had no wand to speak of. He remembered it being destroyed with that last spell he had used to kill Voldemort.
So now he was wandering through the deathtrap of a forest, so far avoiding the creepy crawlies and fanged and clawed beasties. A few meager threads of what he guessed to be late afternoon sun wove their way through the dense treetops and lit the way for him. At least it wasn't completely pitch. Then again, as his aching body could only propel itself forward in staggered movements and on sheer will, night would arrive soon enough. And with it, dark, and all of the undoubtedly hungry beasties.
Determined to not have been given a second chance just to be a meal, he continued his journey onward.
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Two hours later, they were no closer to any headway than they had been when he had discovered the empty casket. Immediately he had dashed to the headmaster's office, who had alerted a select few professors and Order members. Said party were currently crammed in Dumbledore's office, arguing back and forth. Their bickering was only fueling the dulled ache in his head and the furious stabbing in his gut, and not for the first time did he wish that he could be dismissed and go do something productive, like, say, try to find Harry's body.
"Well, I still think it was dark wizards!" Molly Weasley said vehemently, the same argument she had proposed when she had first arrived.
"That is ridiculous, Molly," Minerva McGonagall argued, face pinched in irritation. "All of the Death Eaters were apprehended."
"Who said it had to be a Death Eater?"
Leaning against the wall in the back of the room, he tuned the conversation out. They had been going in circles, and no one seemed any closer to adding angles and changing the shape. What he really wanted to do was knock their heads together and make a grand escape. He was seriously considering sliding along the wall to the door, inconspicuously slipping out. He wondered if they would miss--
"Severus."
He blinked, realizing that a hand was being waved in front of his face. Snarling in irritation at the headmaster, Severus Snape waited for the man to repeat himself.
"There was nothing suspicious that you noticed?" Albus asked once more, eyes dim with sorrow and determination and that ever present amusement that was permanently glowing even in dire times.
"Besides the fact that Potter's body was missing?" he growled, watching in twisted satisfaction as the older man visibly winced and then feeling the sting of guilt. It wasn't just him affected, he reminded himself. Others were worried as well. "No, nothing," he answered in a more subdued tone.
"I would say to check the Marauders Map, but it only shows... the living," Remus Lupin murmured heartbrokenly from his seat off to the side. It was the most words he had spoken in the past two days. "I know how he loved it so; I put it in the casket for him to take wherever he went in the afterlife."
A nagging sensation added to the stabbing in Severus's gut. "There was nothing in the coffin," he said slowly.
"Who would take a blank parchment?" Remus asked, stupored.
"Someone who knew what it was," Severus answered darkly.
This led to yet another argument which he ignored. After a good ten minutes of this, he quietly excused himself, needing some air. Sitting down at the top of the stairs leading up to the castle, he silently cursed the cheery sunlight. He was somewhat placated by the massive dark clouds rolling over the Forbidden Forest, no doubt promising rain. And lots of it.
Sighing despondently, Severus desperately hoped that those arguing fools reached some plan soon. He didn't know if he could take much more of just sitting around.
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He knew that the gradual dimming of the already dim sunlight had not been a good sign. Neither had the first few minutes of scattered raindrops. But when the heavens opened up to a torrential flood, he was seriously questioning any previous sane thoughts he had on making it out of the Forest alive.
But he wouldn't have come back just to die again. Wouldn't Malfoy have a field day with that. No, he needed to do something to protect himself, to get out of the rain.
Throwing up a haphazard shielding charm with what little wandless magic he could muster, Harry ran blindly through the rain. Spotting a large cluster of rocks that jutted out at the top, he crawled under the slope and huddled his knees to his chest, trying to protect himself against the onslaught.
It was a relatively decent spot to wait out the rain, but with the way it continued to beat down, he figured he would be waiting for a long time. Using up the rest of his energy on a warming charm, he settled back into his makeshift shelter and stared blearily out at the cascading wall of rain.
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After spending a while longer outside, Severus had returned to the headmaster's office with a fleeting hope that they had brainstormed a course of action. He was sadly disappointed. They basically wanted to scour the school for more clues, which was not exactly a forthright plan to Severus. Instead he opted to return to his quarters and come up with his own plan.
Unfortunately, he knew not what to do. He spent the rest of the day staring blankly at the wall. When night fell, he had collapsed onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling until he finally drifted off to sleep.
And then he dreamed...
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They had been working in silence for over an hour, and the tension in the room was practically choking him. It wasn't that he despised his present company; no, the edict from the headmaster to work on their civility was actually a smart move. It had taken many bitter verbal spars and a handful of deadly missions for the Order for them to grow to respect one another and even to become tentative friends, much to both their amazement.
Slamming his text shut and exhaling loudly, Harry looked over at his ex-Potions professor with a scowl. "I can't do this any more."
Raising an eyebrow, Severus regarded him patiently. "Do what?"
"Pretend that tomorrow I won't be going out to meet my uncertain death!"
Closing his text as well, he answered calmly, "That is not what will happen tomorrow. The Order is launching a surprise attack. We will have the advantage."
"Like that means anything." Harry stood and began pacing. "In the end, it'll all come down to me."
Severus groaned. Not this again. "Self-pity is not something to be desired."
"Neither is being killed!" he cried, stopping. Shoulders slumping, his chin fell to his chest as he whispered painfully, "I don't want to die."
Crossing the room in two long strides, Severus placed his hands on Harry's shoulders and shook him none too gently. "Pull yourself together. You are not going to die." To his absolute and complete horror, he felt this heart-wrenching pang at Harry's words. The pathetic resignation was just too much. And so were the glittering eyes staring widely at him.
"Can you promise me something?"
There was so much despair, so much worry and need in the simple question that Severus felt he could promise Harry anything...
"Can you promise me that I won't die?"
...except that.
"I'm sorry, Harry, but I can't," Severus answered quietly, regretfully. He wished he could. Merlin, he wished he could.
"I know. I'm just scared. Terrified." His shoulders started trembling. "I'll do it, though. Because I have to. Because I need to."
Severus could no longer listen to these forlorn words. He went against every personal decree he had set long ago and pulled Harry into a hug, crushing the teen to his chest. He could tell that Harry wanted to sob but, like himself, would not allow it. He had too much strength for someone at such a young age.
"Can you promise me this, then?" Harry asked, words muffled into Severus's shoulder. He looked up when a gentle hand brushed against his cheek. "Can you promise that you won't die?"
"Harry, I..." He wished that he could. He wished that he could fight the battle for Harry. He wished they didn't have to fight at all. But he couldn't say any of this, couldn't get his mouth to form the words. Rubbing slow circles on the teen's back, he couldn't help but get lost in the moment, in the desperation and comfort that was craved by both, in the sparks and emotions that were bubbling up to the surface. His face slowly inched downward, closer, closer to Harry's own, whose eyes were now shut, head tilted up, needing and wanting and waiting.
Closer, ever closer until their breaths were mingling, lips just a fraction away.
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Severus awoke with a start, practically flying off the bed. He was shuddering violently, cheeks scratchy from dried tears that refused to fall two days before but couldn't be quelled by his subconscious any longer.
He remembered it so well, that moment, in vivid images and ethereal snatches of pale, velvety skin, a gentle caress. They had been interrupted mere fractions of a second later, before anything could happen. But if there had been no interruptions...
Well, no use dwelling on that now. What ifs were of no importance, especially now, especially since Harry was gone.
Stumbling off the bed, Severus slipped into a dressing gown and slippers and hurried out of the room, wanting to be anywhere but there. He ended up in the North tower, standing out in the almost complete blackness that used to soothe him but now filled his mind with nothing but trepidation. There was nothing that could make up for the void that Harry left, and he wanted nothing to.
It was three in the morning, and he had no intentions of going back to sleep. At least he didn't have to worry about having to teach tomorrow. The students had all been given a week off to spend with their families in celebration of the Dark Lord's defeat. Of course, they had left immediately after Harry's funeral, so their celebrating would be dampened some. But Severus had nothing to celebrate.
What he really wanted to do was curse the world twice over, but that would have basically countered Harry's saving it.
Harry.
He was gone.
Like being sucked under by an emotional tidal wave, Severus felt as if he were drowning. Had he the strength, he would have smacked himself repeatedly over the head for being affected so much by one person, one certain person. It was quite ridiculous, really, and in a moment's insanity he was so close to bursting into a fit of hysterical laughter. But that would not do. No, he must stay strong, must not let the pain take over. As he repeated the fruitless mantra in his head, he left the tower on the lengthy trek back to the dungeons.
For the first time in his adult life, Severus Snape consciously allowed tears to fall from his eyes.
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Aww, so much emotion. You know, I'm quite enjoying my little trip into Angst City. I usually avoid writing such emotions, but it's so entertaining that I may just add a little bit more! That's neither a threat nor a promise, just a speculation.
Anyway, please drop me a line and let me know what you think. I am a huge fan of (nicely written) constructive criticism and an even bigger fan of praise. Whatever you want to leave me, I'll read with relish. Thanks so much to everyone who read and/or reviewed the first chapter. To all of you, I'll give you a shirtless Sev. If you want to see more skin, send a review! Until next chapter, then. Peace out!