Disclaimer: Voyager and all characters belong to Paramount.

Author's notes: I'm glad you're enjoying the story. I'm having a great time writing it and working with Kathryn as a character. Thank you for the reviews and please keep them coming.

Abandoned Ch. 4

Dear ,
It is often said that pain, grief and guilt eventually fade with the passage of time. For the sack of my sanity I need that to be true. I suppose in some context I have begun to wonder why I never told the truth from the very beginning. There would have been more pain but I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what happens next.

It was never a matter of me not loving Perry. I woke up this morning and wished I could kiss her head and know she was sleeping without a care in the world. Her little chest rising and falling with every breath she took. I'll think of her every step of the way. I should have told someone. It doesn't make a difference now; I've made my decisions and can't take them back.

Kathryn

She looked up from the pad of paper in her hand and gazed at the endless field that lay before her. She had secretly ventured to the house she grew up in and was sitting with her back to the tree that occupied the backyard. Her mother wasn't home and no one she knew was around. Kathryn was safe to fight her demons in this oh so familiar place. She wanted more than anything to just walk away from it all and forget all that the past year had brought. She had closed the door to her heart before and been safe from all that is painful but this time the door was far too large to budge.

Chakotay had yet to enlighten B'Elanna on his plan to find Kathryn. After their conversation in the park, he left abruptly and went immediately to his apartment. He went directly to the communicator and tried to contact the one person that even came close to knowing the workings of Kathryn Janeway's thoughts. After numerous failed attempts at contact Kathryn's mother, Chakotay slammed his fists on the counter. It wasn't like Gretchen not to answer a call. He was getting nowhere by sitting here in anger. As quickly as he had come, he left the apartment and went to Tom and B'Elanna's.

Tom answered the door and invited Chakotay in as B'Elanna rounded the corner from the living room.

"Chakotay, where did you go?"

"B'Elanna, I'm sorry I left so hastily before. I tried to contact Kathryn's mother but I couldn't find her. We are back where we started."

They made there way to the living room, where Harry was sitting cradling a sleeping Perry. Chakotay's attention immediately focused on the slumbering infant.

"Do you want to hold her?" B'Elanna asked reluctantly

"Yes", he replied without hesitation.

Harry stood and made his way over to Chakotay being careful as to not wake Perry. He gently handed the child over to Chakotay who instinctively cradled her. He walked to the nearest seat and gazed at the child who was his greatest confidant's. Chakotay's mind was crowded with thoughts of Kathryn and the child that slept in his arms.

'Oh Kathryn what have you done? What could have happened to make you want to leave such a precious gift? She's so beautiful... She looks just like you. Kathryn, I would have listened if you had told me. I would have loved to share this with you. You didn't have to do this alone with no one but a doctor by your side.'

B'Elanna, Harry and Tom all watched as Chakotay swayed the infant side to side lightly. All couldn't help but notice how at ease he was with the child and how perfectly they fit together.

"Chakotay, do you have any idea who Perry's father might be?" B'Elanna broke the silence with the thought that lingered in all of their minds.

He took a moment before telling them what he was sure they had already assumed.

"Do you remember the reunion party we had about a year ago? Afterwards, Kathryn and I went to a hotel near to where the party was. We never talked about it after that."

As he finished the statement his eyes began to sting with the emotions that dwelled in that night. He handed Perry back to Tom and stared out the window. The room was silent and no one darned to speak. Chakotay suddenly slammed his fists on the window.

"Damn it, why wouldn't she tell me about something like this?! Does she think I wouldn't want to be there when my daughter was born?!!"

Chakotay grabbed Perry from Tom covered her with her blanket and went to the front door.

"Chakotay, come back where are you going?"

"To find Kathryn!"