Disclaimer: see part 1
Aoi
Part 8
Agony and Ecstasy
By Random1377
Asuka stared up at the ceiling of the apartment's bathroom, barely blinking as she breathed in and out, measuring each breath like the ticking of some unseen clock counting down the seconds of her life. There were not all that many left she decided fatalistically, slipping a little lower in the tub and tilting her chin up so that the bathwater just barely tickled her bottom lip.
One more inch, few deep breaths, she thought calmly, that's all it would take. Honestly… what am I holding on for? Kaji STILL thinks I'm just a kid – not that I've seen him for over a week – my sync ratio is in the fucking toilet, Shinji is…
"…Shinji."
Reaching up, she let her hand rest on her short cropped hair, her personal homage to the boy she had never given a chance.
But I'm not the one that killed him, she reminded herself, letting her arm fall back into the tub with a small splash, your clock will be stopped before mine, Wonderbitch, I guaran-fucking-tee it!
Clenching her hands at her sides, Asuka slid lower.
One, she counted, forcing down her gag reflex as warm water rushed into her mouth, two… three…
The numbers continued to roll through her mind, one following the next as she envisioned Shinji's face. In her mind, he was smiling at her in a way he never had… a way she had only allowed herself to contemplate in dreams.
Should I come to you now?
Darkness began to encroach on the perimeter of her vision, and her lungs began to burn with the need for oxygen, but Asuka simply closed her eyes, slipping all the way under the water as her mind clicked off second seventy-eight.
Would you welcome me? she thought, her ears filling with a soft rushing sound as a thin trickle of bubbles floated up to the surface of the tub. In your letter… oh God, why did you leave me that letter? It would have been so easy to pretend you hated me if you hadn't! I don't want to feel this way anymore, Shinji – I don't want to feel at all. Take me with you, wherever you are… free me from this nightmare, I don't want to-
"NO!"
The word was harsh and waterlogged, exploding from Asuka's throat as her face broke the surface of the water. She coughed harshly, expelling a mouthful of soapy water over the side of the tub as her panicked body shrieked for air. She hitched violently, her stomach revolting as she hung limply over the edge of the tub, emptying her meager dinner onto the bathmat with a nauseating splash.
Asuka's body shuddered violently, her cheek resting on the warm porcelain of the tub as she stared at her own vomit. "No," she croaked, "no, not yet… not until I kill that little whore. Then I'll come to you, Shinji… be patient, ok? It won't be much longer now, I promise."
Coughing weakly, she spat out a mouthful of bile, closing her eyes once more and drifting for a moment in a state of sleep-deprived exhaustion.
No, not much longer now, she thought, her brow furrowing as she heard the apartment door open and close. Oh great… the traitor bitch is home.
Of all the people to befriend Shinji's murderer, Misato was the last Asuka would have suspected. She thought that like her, Misato would have raged against the Third's death – screaming for blood until the killer was made to pay… but she had gone the opposite direction, actually inviting the little tramp into their house.
Clearly, Asuka decided, the woman was insane.
"Doesn't matter," she whispered to herself, "I'll end this the very second I get her alone."
Without knowing it, the Second Child fell into a light, troubled slumber, waking with a terrible crick in her neck to find the water in the tub ice cold.
-
Sitting with her head in her hands, Misato did her best to pretend that she cold not hear the string of quietly muttered curses coming from inside the bathroom. She could smell the reason Asuka was angry – had smelled it the very second she had walked through the door – but her hatred of the girl's new appearance was so strong that it was clouding her judgment.
Fucking bitch, she thought savagely, rubbing absently at her new scar, let her clean up her own puke!
The external wound had finally closed, leaving a thin, straight line just above the long jagged one she had earned during Second Impact… but the damage to her lungs…
"You're not following me, Major," she could hear the exasperated voice of the doctor echoing in her ears, "You aren't GOING to get better – I don't know how I can make that clearer to you! Look at the x-ray! The infection ATE part of your lung before we could stop it, do you understand? You will never have full lung capacity, you will never breathe without some discomfort, you'll feel short of breath for several months – possibly longer, depending on how long it takes your body to adjust – and you'll probably always feel like you need to cough!"
Misato covered her mouth with her fist, giving a solitary, sullen cough – as if to spite the doctor by not having a full-blown fit – and forced her mind around to gentler thoughts.
Sync test tomorrow, she mused, dinner later. Would it make you happy to know that we're friends now, Shinji? I almost… tried to make us something else, but it ended up ok. Would you be proud?
She dropped back onto her bed with a long sigh, her blacker thoughts encroaching on the pleasant, if a bit misdirected, feeling she got when she was thinking about Rei.
Asuka…
Section Two had filed their report on the Second's activities for the week… and Misato had noticed that the redhead had gone to the shooting range several times between Monday and Saturday. This, by itself, was nothing terribly out of the ordinary, as pilot training included being versed in as many varieties of firearms as possible.
What concerned her was in another report – armory inventory, to be exact – noting the absence of a .22 caliber pistol and a box of ammunition. As it was the middle of a war, and their budget had been slashed so drastically, a single missing firearm went almost unnoticed, but Misato, being the person she was, had immediately ordered a search of the Second Child's belongings – with strict orders to be discreet.
Section Two, however, had not found anything in the girl's bedroom, locker, or school desk, the only locations she had visited over the past week and a half. Misato could not think of any other places for them to look, scouring the remainder of the apartment practically from top to bottom on her own time when the redhead was out one day.
What are you up to? she wondered suspiciously. Ritsuko said there's no proof that it was you that took it – especially since we couldn't find the damn thing – but I'm not an idiot… and I've seen the way you look at Rei.
She had gone to the Commander the very next day, elegantly skirting the issue of pilot safety without even once hinting that the Second may be planning to kill the First, and talking the man into signing an order to increase security on all four remaining children.
The Commander had corrected her by saying 'three' but had not elaborated further, leaving Misato to find out for herself that Mana Kirishima had gone insane (apparently finding herself unable to cope with the wounds she had suffered) and murdered a nurse in the secure wing of the hospital, escaping into the night and earning herself the title of 'wanted' for all Section Two agents.
Misato felt sorry for the girl, but agreed with Ritsuko that should she see her, she would not hesitate to put the girl down. If she was able to crush an innocent woman's throat without remorse, who knew what she might do to someone directly involved in her injuries?
I never, EVER thought I would miss the day that Shinji got here, she mused, resting her hands on her stomach and closing her eyes. It was so hectic… we almost got crushed by the angel… he almost walked away from piloting before he'd even started… and then he almost died AGAIN inside the plug. Every day from then on, I was amazed that he managed to keep going – but he never gave up, not all the way. He knew what was important…
"Damn it," she whispered, lifting a hand to wipe at her damp cheeks. "Damn it, I can't cry for you anymore, Shinji… I can't!"
In spite of this declaration, Misato had to change her pillowcase before going to sleep.
…her hand passed less than three inches from the butt of the missing .22, tucked neatly into a box of NewDay tampons, the brand Asuka had insisted on since the day she had started her period.
-
Rei took a deep, even breath, trying not to sigh too loudly as she allowed her eyes to roll closed and reveled in the feeling of ecstasy washing over her body. It was not a sexual feeling, she decided, though in her current state she could understand why people strove so hard to find a compatible lover – no, this ecstasy was much deeper than that… delving all the way down to her soul and spreading outward until every cell in her body felt permeated with tranquility and euphoria.
"Holding steady at 79.2."
Even the harsh, amplified voice of Doctor Akagi's new assistant (Rei could not think of the woman's name just then) could not dampen the First's spirits. It was hard for her not to show her delight at the warmth coursing through her – after all, it was a very recent development – but she feared that if she was too vocal about what was happening, she would be denied this experience.
After all, if Doctor Akagi knew that she had been experiencing physical and emotional pleasure during synchronization tests, she would surely label it an anomaly and find a way to stamp it out.
"Rei," Major Katsuragi's gentle voice came over Unit 00's comm. system, "how are you feeling?"
Though it pained her to hide her joy from the purple-haired woman, Rei dared not risk saying anything about it when Akagi could hear. "Fine, Major," she said, forcing herself to maintain her old, dull monotone speech pattern. "Are we almost done?"
"Another ten minutes," the older woman replied soothingly, "I'll let you know."
"Understood."
Clicking off her microphone Rei leaned back in the pilot's seat, closing her eyes and doing something she had only dared once since beginning her meteoric rise in synchronization ability.
Speaking.
"Ikari," she breathed, shivering as she felt even more of her soul slowly laying itself bare to the presence inside the giant machine. "Shinji…"
Since the passing of the Third, and the first sync test after his death, Rei had been feeling more and more comfortable in the entry plug. She knew that Shinji was not 'there,' per se, as Unit 00 exhibited no tendencies towards independent action or communication… but being in the plug still gave her the same emotional responses that he had brought forth in her when he was alive.
It was hard to explain, but somehow – she still FELT Shinji's kindness and honest, slightly awkward personality enfolding her every time she synchronized.
And since hitting a ratio of 55...
"She just rose to 81 ma'am."
"Mark the time," Doctor Akagi's cold voice ordered, "and note any fluctuation up or down. Rei – we're taking another half hour to record."
"Understood…"
Before, Rei would have been disappointed to be trapped in the huge blue mecha… but now, radiating with that feeling of safety and comfort that made it so easy to open herself, she could think of no other place she'd rather be.
"Take… me…" she gasped, shuddering as more of Unit 00's essence bled into her, blurring the line between her consciousness and its until it was almost invisible and rendering coherent speech, and even thought, nearly impossible. "Shinji, take… everything. My heart and soul… my one desire… is to be… one with you…"
"God," one of the technicians whispered, "d-doctor Akagi…?"
"I see it," came Ritsuko's terse response, "keep recording."
"Rei," Misato's voice came into the entry plug once more, "Rei please tell me what you're feeling – you're up to 87. Please… can you feel him…?"
There was no way Rei could have replied even if she had wanted to. She could feel the last of the barriers within her soul giving way, a sharp gasp of icy pleasure tearing free of her lips as she felt Unit 00's consciousness penetrate her own on such an intimate level that it put the pathetic notion of 'intercourse' to shame. She breathed… and Unit 00 breathed with her. Her heart beat… and Unit 00's heart beat in time. Her right hand – free, in the plug, of that maddening, itching pain that had grown ever-present – flexed involuntarily… and Unit 00's hand flexed in perfect mimicry.
"A-abort the test," she heard Misato stammer. "Ritsuko, something's wrong – it's not natural to have a synch ratio of-"
"Get a hold of yourself," the Project-E director snapped, "numbers like this are unprecedented – there's no way in Hell I'll stop this test until she stops climbing. If she's still going up next fucking week, she'll be in that plug, got it!"
Misato glared at the other woman. "It's wrong," she growled. "A thirty-five percent climb in six days? Something is going on in that goddamned plug, Ritsuko, and it isn't good!"
"Excuse me, ma'am?" Hyouga whispered, flinching as the two women rounded on him.
"What?"
"…Unit 00."
Misato and Ritsuko raised their eyes as the technician pointed to the observation glass.
"My… God…"
Through the thick, protective window, Unit 00 was shuddering and twitching, its fingertips quivering at its sides as it shook its head from side to side.
"Berserker," Ritsuko hissed. "Cut external power and prepare for bakelite injec-"
"Doctor Akagi!"
Abruptly, Unit 00 went still.
"What is it, Lieutenant?" Ritsuko murmured, keeping her eyes fixed intently on the blue mecha.
"Rei's synch ratio is holding steady, ma'am," Hyouga reported, sounding vaguely sick.
Ritsuko glanced at him curiously. "And?" she demanded. "Where did she finally top out?"
Looking over the tech's shoulder, Misato murmured, "I think you better see for yourself."
Ignoring the commotion in the Pribnow Box, Rei relaxed in the pilot's seat, keeping her eyes closed and drawing deep, shuddering breaths to keep calm. The only word she could think of to describe what had just happened to her was transcendence. Inside of Unit 00, merging with the soul of the boy she used to know, Rei reached a place of such profound peace and tranquility that she would be affected by it for days to come.
"Thank you…" she whispered, imagining a soft, warm blanket of feeling wrapping itself around her as she opened her senses completely and drank in the world as Unit 00 saw it. "Shinji… thank you…"
-
((Ring)) ((Ring))
((Click))
"Yes…?"
"…it's me."
"What do you need?"
"I want to come over tonight."
"Get a hold of yourself, doct-"
"Please – God, please let me see you tonight! I need you to hold me right now, can't you understand? I need it…"
"You're falling apart. You have to get hold of yourself. We're almost at the end."
"I know, I know! But-"
"Eight O'clock."
"Thank-"
((Click))
"…you."
-
"You want eggrolls too?"
Touji shook his head, staring out into the darkened street as his friend held the telephone receiver up against his chest and waited for Touji's reply. "Nah, I'm good with just the chicken," he muttered, "get some if you want, though… NERV's paying for it."
Kensuke sighed. "Yeah, give us some eggrolls too," he said into the phone, "no, it's on a NERV account… uh huh… yeah, I've got it right here. It's p, as in pilot, Suzuhara… T… 342. What's that? Yeah, sure, make it twenty, that's fine. Ok, bye."
"What was that about?" Touji asked, rubbing his eyes as he finally turned away from the window.
"Tip," Kensuke said simply. "These delivery places know that NERV's got a lot of money to throw around, so they don't hesitate to ask for a big tip. I've ordered stuff for my dad before, and I figured out pretty quick that it's best to just give them some cash, unless you want your food to arrive cold or squashed… or both."
Touji chuckled softly. "Isn't that blackmail?"
"Extortion," Kensuke corrected dryly, "there's a big difference."
"Ah."
Silence fell as the two friends stared awkwardly at the floor. It was the first time in almost a month that Touji had come to visit Kensuke, and Kensuke was shocked to see how worn his friend looked. There were actually two threads of gray – that Kensuke could see just from where he was standing – in Touji's thick black hair, and the lines around his mouth seemed to be pretty deep.
He looks way worse than Shinji ever did, Kensuke thought dismally, looking away quickly as Touji lifted his head. God I feel sorry for him…
"Hey," Touji said, obviously forcing his tone to be light, "so umm, how's… how's Hikari…?"
Kensuke's shoulders slumped a bit. Should have known, he thought tiredly, why didn't you just ask that on the phone instead of coming all the way over here? Once I tell you, you're not even gonna stick around for dinner, are you?
"She's… better," he said guardedly, "she's been coming to school pretty much every day, but she doesn't really… smile anymore, you know?"
"Yeah," Touji whispered, "I know."
"Anyway," Kensuke concluded, "someone in class said they heard she was talking about stepping down as class rep."
"Huh? Why?"
Kensuke shrugged. "Too much on her mind, I guess," he said softly.
Again, awkward silence fell.
This sucks, Kensuke thought miserably, best friends – best friends for six years… and I can't do a goddamn thing to help him out.
"How's Kimiko?"
Touji lifted his head, but his expression was blank – as if the name had no meaning for him – and after a moment, he colored and quickly averted his eyes.
Kensuke's jaw dropped. "You haven't been visiting her, have you?" he breathed, his voice heavy with shock. "Touji, y-"
"I've been busy," Touji blurted, ramming his hands into his pocket, "I tried to go, but, but I had too much shit going on! …I wanted to go."
Slowly, Kensuke leaned against the wall. "You used to visit her… every day," he said slowly, "every single day."
Touji clenched his teeth together, pulling his right hand out of his pocket as he noticed a rather sharp stinging sensation running the length of his palm.
"You're bleeding."
Silently, Touji reached back into his pocket, pulling out the object that had so easily sliced into his palm. Kensuke glanced down at the badge, recognizing it immediately as a NERV-issue security tag. The face on it was only half visible, but Kensuke knew who it was.
Touji lifted his head, and Kensuke nearly flinched at the raw, naked agony in his friend's eyes. Jesus Christ, he thought, horrified by what he saw, who ARE you?
After a moment, his horror turned to pity.
"I'll… I'll be going up to the shopping district tomorrow to look for that MiG-27 model I've been wanting," he said carefully, "it wouldn't be too far out of the way for me to stop by and see how she is."
Touji's bottom lip quivered. "Tell her I love her…?" he whispered. "And… I'm sorry…?"
"Sure, man," Kensuke murmured sadly, "you know I will."
As if he could no longer stand the sight of it, Touji suddenly dropped Maya's ID, letting it fall to the floor with a dull, lifeless clack. He stared at it as if in a daze, wetting his lips with the tip of his tongue as he quietly asked Kensuke the question that had been on his mind for several weeks.
"…still want to be a pilot?"
Kensuke crouched down, picking the ID badge up and setting it carefully on the table. Without taking his eyes off of it, he slowly shook his head.
-
Hikari rubbed her tired eyes, yawning expansively as she headed towards the front door. "Coming," she grumbled, shooting a glance at the clock. Who could it be at this hour? she wondered, God, Dad's still at work, Nozomi's at Grandma's, Kodama's who knows where, and I'm answering the door at eleven thirty at night. I must be an idiot.
Later, she would reflect on this train of thought and question why she did not look through the curtains before opening the door.
Things might have gone very differently.
"Coming," she called through the door, grasping the handle and giving it a fierce turn. "What's so damn… you…!" Panic shot through her as the girl on the other side of the door started to push her way into the house. "N-no!"
Belatedly, she tried to slam the door, but she was far too late.
Mana stormed the house like a soldier, grabbing Hikari around the waist with one hand and clapping her other over the startled girl's mouth. Awkwardly, she hustled Hikari into her room, shooting nervous glances everywhere as she bumped the door closed with her hip.
"MMMMM!" Hikari tried to scream, shaking her head from side to side as she was forced into her room.
"Shh," Mana murmured, making very sure to keep the arm around Hikari's waist from gripping too tight, "shh, Hikari, please… I'm not here to hurt you…"
Hikari struggled ineffectually, hot tears streaking down her cheeks and over the back of Mana's hand for what felt like eternity until finally, she slumped back against the girl, sobbing softly and shaking all over as Mana continued to try to quiet her.
Licking her lips, Mana pulled Hikari close to her, moving her mouth right next to the girl's ear before whispering, "I'm not going to hurt you, Hikari… please believe me. I'm in trouble… I need your help…"
Slowly, she pulled her hand away from Hikari's mouth, tensing as she prepared to clap it back in place, should the class rep try to scream.
Hikari, however, simply continued to cry, lost for the time to the world around her as her mind raced through a hundred thoughts at once. God, why is this happening? she thought tiredly, slumping weakly against Mana as the other girl wrapped her other arm around Hikari's shoulders, holding her gently and continuing to softly shush her.
For a moment, silence reigned, broken only by Hikari's ragged breathing. This is where I always wanted to be, Mana mused ironically, I'm holding Hikari in my arms… she's all out of breath… she's soft… this is how I've always dreamed of her – just not quite under these circumstances.
"W…what do you want…?"
Mana wet her lips, trying not to focus too hard on the nape of Hikari's neck as she murmured, "Why are you so scared of me…?"
Shaking her head slowly, Hikari whispered, "Some men in black suits came to talk to me. They told me you were a spy – that you were only here to find out about EVA – and they wanted to know everything we talked about." She had to swallow before she could conclude, "…is it true?"
"Yeah," Mana replied honestly, "it's true…"
Drawing an uneven breath, Hikari barked a short laugh. "Damn it," she said bitterly, "I trusted you – I believed in you. When they told me, I didn't want to believe it, but they were so sure about it… and they were right. All this time, you've been lying to me. I-"
"No," Mana cut in softly, "never to you, Hikari… I've never lied to you…"
Snorting derisively, Hikari muttered, "Lying, telling a little bit of the truth, it's the same thing, Mana. I trusted you…"
Slowly, Mana turned Hikari around, pushing her gently up against her wall and staring deep into her questioning eyes. "I would never knowingly hurt you," she said quietly, putting her hands on Hikari's shoulders. "Never…"
Hikari's eyes widened as Mana leaned forward and captured her lips in a moist, tender kiss.
Pulling back, Mana carefully cupped Hikari's face in her palms, stepping closer to her as she whispered, "I need you right now, Hikari…"
Letting out a shuddering breath, Hikari closed her eyes, offering no resistance as Mana gave her another intense, openly sensual kiss, clumsily making it clear that this was anything but practice. Hikari let it happen for several moments, fighting with her confused emotions until finally, she knew how to reply to Mana's overtures.
"Stop…"
Mana nodded as Hikari put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her back. "S-sorry," she whispered, "I-"
"That's the last time I let you kiss me," Hikari cut in, her voice holding no malice as she stepped away from the wall and moved past the other girl. "I said I'd always be your friend, so I can't hate you…" she lowered her voice to a mere whisper, "even after what you did to Touji…" she raised her eyes, staring into Mana's as she concluded, "but I don't like you that way, alright? I'm… I'm sorry…"
"I understand," Mana said quietly. "And… I'm sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to destroy what you had, please believe that."
Hikari averted her eyes. "I don't know what to believe right now," she said dully, "I don't… I don't even know how to talk to him anymore – so I don't. It hurt me so much, but at the same time, I know that he's hurting too – and I want to talk to him, I do! …but I don't know how."
I am such a bitch; Mana thought disgustedly, I just meant to get under his skin! …ok, so maybe I wanted Hikari for myself, I can't deny that, but I never meant to hurt her this bad.
Slowly, Hikari took put a hand on Mana's shoulder, staring at the floor as she carefully pulled the girl into a gentle embrace. "You can stay here for tonight," she said levelly, holding her friend as her body started to shake. "In the morning… I don't know what will happen in the morning, Mana, but for tonight – because of our friendship – you're welcome here."
Mana tried to speak… but when she opened her mouth, all that came out was a strangled sob. Even after what Mana had done to her, Hikari was willing to help her – to save her. She was scum… dirt… a filthy, disgusting creature skilled only in hurting others and taking lives… but still, Hikari was going to let her stay.
All she could do was cry as the stress and pain of the last few days hit her like a jackhammer, nearly driving her to her knees as she began to weep openly, clinging to Hikari and wretchedly apologizing for all the harm she had caused. Somehow, Mana really couldn't say how, they ended up on the bed, facing each other and crying together until eventually even tears failed them and sleep became the only thing either could think of.
Sometime in the middle of the night, Mana awoke with a start, finding herself inches from Hikari's peacefully sleeping face. Careful not to wake the other girl, she gave her a final, lingering kiss, savoring the taste of her mouth far longer than was wise before laying her head back down and watching the class rep sleep, trying to decide where to go from there. Though it truly was the last kiss she would ever get from Hikari, Mana decided that it was definitely worth it… and when dawn broke through the vinyl shades on Hikari's small bedroom window, Mana knew that she could not cause her even one more second's worth of pain.
As quietly as she could, she slipped out of bed, guiltily rifling through Hikari's things until she found a small, dusty looking backpack. Moving carefully to avoid any further noise, she gathered up three simple outfits, stuffing them into the backpack before slinging it over her shoulder and slipping out of the room.
It wasn't until she was three blocks away that she realized she hadn't even whispered goodbye.
…she did not go back.
Continued…
Author's Notes: ok, so, it's a little shorter than last chapter, but hey – people are always mumbling about quality over quantity… too bad you got neither. Heheh. I toyed briefly with the idea of having Rei actually achieving an orgasm during the sync test… but the more I thought about it, the more I decided it would have been cheap and pointless, and I really liked the idea of her feeling something even deeper. All the perverts out there will just have to look elsewhere for angsty sexual references.
Pre-read was done by the AudienT Void, and a more skilled noisy nothing I have never had the pleasure of talking to.
Feedback is always welcome on any site with reviewing capabilities, or by e-mailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com