Chapter 11 – Confused Feelings
Hermione was distracted for the entire next day. All she could think about was detention that night, she actually wanted it to come. The fight she had had with Malfoy the past night really made her think, and re-evaluate her opinion of him. 'Was I really wrong all those years?' She asked herself, many questions brewing in her mind. 'Is he really a bad person or is he just crying out for help?' She knew, that undoubtedly underneath Malfoy's tough exterior was a complex thing that she did not understand… But did she want to? He was Malfoy after all. The Malfoy who had tormented her and her friends, the Malfoy who had made her life a living hell for the past six years. Why would any of that change because of a freak chance that they would share the same summer school?
XXX
Draco sat in his room, staring up at the ceiling. The past day he had revealed too much about himself, far more than he was comfortable releasing. Malfoy was not exactly the secret spilling type. Sure, he and his best friend Blaise Zabini had shared the occasional story, but nothing major, and nothing he wished to keep secret. The rest was to be assumed. After all, his father had NOT taught him to be a pansy, or a little girl for that matter. His father had taught him to be a strong man. A Malfoy. Malfoy's didn't spill important information about themselves in moments of weakness, Malfoy's did not disobey their fathers, and Malfoy's most defiantly didn't cry. Lucius was a Malfoy. And not just by name, Lucius was un-humanly perfect. He would never show any emotion. And that is why Draco envied him, and loved his father, despite his nasty qualities. But Lucius only cared for one being, and it was not is son. And that is why Draco Malfoy alsoenvied Voldemort.
"What's wrong, baby?" came a sappy voice from beside him, startling him out of his thoughts. He looked over to see the raven haired girl who lay beside him naked on his bed.
"Nothing." He snapped. "Go back to sleep."
"Are you sure?" She said, tracing her fingers over the muscles on his chest.
He smacked her hand away. "I said," He stated more firmly. "Go back to sleep."
She stared into his eyes, searching for feeling… for emotion. She found none. Only deep black voids rimmed in grey blue.
XXX
'Jenny Hamilton 1287 Batskin drive 20314.' Hermione read, flicking the thin letter into pile of other H's. She looked up at Malfoy who was perched on a stool on the far side of the room, which wasn't very far considering the pantry like space. Like her, he was starring at letters for a millisecond, then carelessly tossing them into sloppy piles, one of which was so high that when he tossed a final letter on top of it, it quivered and cascaded off the table, pooling on the floor beneath.
"Malfoy, your letters have dropped."
"Stop being so obsessive compulsive." He replied, never looking up.
"Hey! I was just trying to help!"
"I don't need the help of a mudblood." He said harshly.
Her eyes widened. Why was he acting so horrible to her? At least a week ago he was being CIVIL!
Suddenly before Hermione could stop herself, tears were forming in her eyes. She tried not to blink for fear they would spill over. 'Come on Hermione!' She told herself quickly. 'Pull yourself together! You don't want him to see you like this! You don't want him to realize the effect he has on you… that's exactly what he wants. Keep your eyes open and maybe the tears will just dry up.' No such luck. Try as she might, the build up of salty liquid continued to form, burning her eyes, and soon droplets dribbled out the corners and fell down her cheeks, lingering at the bottom of her chin and hanging off like icicles.
Draco knew they words he had said were hurtful… and though he tried not to, he felt guilty at her taken aback stare, eyes bulging, mouth hanging open, arms at her sides. Then all of a sudden she was crying, clutching the table with her small hands and holding on for dear life. She may have been his worst enemy… but he didn't want to see her cry. He didn't want to be the one to make her cry. He searched frantically for something to say, but found nothing and finally blurted out "Don't… come on granger… you're getting the letters all wet."
She gave him a deathly look, then let out a long, shuddering sob and collapsed towards the desk, head on her arms, back heaving with every new bout of tears.
"Seriously! Stop it… you're freaking me out!" He repeated moving over next to her and nudging her with his elbow.
"You… are… so… heartless!" She managed to spit out in between sobs.
"I'm sorry, okay? Now will you just stop crying?"
She looked up at him, sniffling. She wasn't a pretty sight. Her eyes were bright red, matching her now blotchy face perfectly, and her hair had somehow gotten ruffled with all the contact on her sweater, and now strands stood up in a static like manor. "Are you really sorry?"
"If I say I am, will you shut up?"
She glared at him once more. "You're h-h-horrible!" She said, her voice wobbling uncontrollably, indicating that she might once again cry, and causing Draco to quickly shout out
"I'm only kidding! I'm really and truthfully sorry! The sorriest I've been!"
He was looking at her desperately. He really did want her to stop crying. She sighed, sniffing once more. "God… I must be a mess."
"Don't worry… its not nearly as bad as you looked first year." He paused for a second, then thinking she might once again take it seriously, he held up his hands. "Kidding again."
A small smile formed on her lips. "Just because I'm a blubbering mess doesn't mean I can't appreciate a joke." She replied. "Even if it IS at my expense."
"Go on, granger. Go up to bed. I'll finish sorting the letters."
She looked at him curiously. "Why are you being so nice to me?" She asked, suspiciously.
"Because ten seconds ago you were sobbing so hardly I thought you might pop a hemorrhoid!"
"Are you sure you don't need help? It's a big job…"
"If you could do it alone the other day then I obviously can!"
She frowned at his indication of superiority, but decided to ignore it. "Alright… if you insist." She replied, grabbing her bags and heading out. She lingered at the door way, peering back at him, then closed it softly and continued on her way.
XXX
The moon was big and slightly orange tonight, and she could hear the sounds of crickets chirping. It calmed her, but it did not help her get to sleep. She had been laying there for what seemed like hours. her thoughts wandering, as usual, to the tall blonde Slytherin who had been creating so much drama in her life recently. She still hated him, no doubt, but beneath all this hate was something confusing. But what was it? Was it possible for someone to like someone and hate them at the same time? She hadn't thought so in the past, but then again she hadn't felt anything like this in the past either. What was this? She wasn't sure. It was like and it was hate and many other mixed up feelings all at the same time. In fact, she could probably determine what it WASN'T before she could determine what it WAS. It wasn't clear, or simple, and it most certainly wasn't love, it was more of an internal war between her feelings, which she was sure would soon tear up her insides and be the death of her. What were these feelings? These foreign feelings that, in her 17 year old life, she had never felt before? She just could not determine it. So she might as we get right to the bottom of it. She might as well ask herself…
Did she like Malfoy?
No. No, of course she didn't. She was so mixed up that she was confusing like for hate again. And now, as she stared at a sleeping Jessica in the bed next to her, wishing she could do the same, she was right back at the beginning of her problem.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the 11th chapter! Also, since I haven't really been getting any reviews, I'm confused as to whether or not I should continue this story. If no one is reading it there really isn't a point… But if you do happen to be one of the few who have followed up on this fic, please give me an opinion, and tell me if I should keep adding chapters or end it where it is. Thanks a bunch, -Miranda