'Til Death Do Us Part 3:
One Last Lesson…
SUMMARY: In this chapter, Roger and Angel share their thoughts with each other, with the struggling musician being given his most intense lesson in love and acceptance. Collins and Mimi cross swords after they meet in an awkward situation… one that could potentially destroy her relationship with Roger.
NOTE: I wanna thank everyone who have reviewed so far, I really appreciate the kind words and that you're enjoying the story!
Angel adjusted his wig and checked himself out in the mirror, making sure that every part of his flamboyant outfit was absolutely fabulous. It was 8:30 in the morning, and Collins and Mark had both left to go find Mimi… it was uncommon for her to disappear for a few hours, but since time was running out, Roger was getting more anxious, and had asked for their help. He was sitting outside, thinking. Collins had suggested that he stay in the loft, as Roger was probably the least person on earth who Mimi wanted to cross paths with. Mark agreed to search the streets around Avenue A, while Collins decided to head towards central park. So that just left Angel to do his thing, and to be honest, he was feeling better than he had been in weeks, so he was going to make the most of it.
"Perfect!" he exclaimed, happily. He was in a bouncy mood, with the renewed energy that he had – and certainly wasn't about to waste. October 19 was a perfect day so far, and it had only just begun… the dramas that played out in the lives of the seven bohemians (excluding the now rich Benny), was enough to fill several years' worth of soap opera episodes, and Angel knew he'd be the central character. He wouldn't have it any other way – although he'd probably have to duke out top spot with Maureen. Angel then searched his purse and pulled out what he was searching for.
"Dammit…" he muttered, seeing that his mascara had started leaking. His eyes scanned his purse quickly, and noticed the leak had spread across his other belongings, including make-up products, a few twenty dollar notes, and other things.
"SHIT!" he yelled and tipped the contents out onto the bedside table. Great, just what he needed… the first fuck up of the day. Like a diva, he reluctantly separated his belongings from the now-ruined purse, scared to get any of it on his skirt or top.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck…" he muttered, sighing frustrated. He then remembered that the night before, he had spilled the contents on the floor after accidentally knocking the bag off the table. He had asked Collins to pick it up for him as he was in the middle of messing around with Maureen.
"Nice one, Collins…"
Angel, saddened by the loss of his purse, threw it casually into the small waste basket in the corner of the bedroom and took out a handkerchief and started cleaning up the mess he had made – or should I say, Collins made.
"Angel?"
The familiar voice startled the young street drummer and caused him to jump back and turn around from what he was doing. Standing in the doorway, Roger checked to see what was up.
"Roger… hey darlin'. What's up?"
Watching his friend, suspiciously, Roger slowly made his way into the room, his guitar in one hand and the other in his pocket.
"I heard you yellin' and cursin'. Everything cool?"
Angel rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Just a little accident. No thanks to Collins – I'll kill him later…"
Roger raised an eyebrow at him, slightly amused. He'd pay to see Angel try take on the bigger, stronger Tom Collins… needless to say, it'd be funny. Casually, he leaned against the wall, just inside the doorway.
"And how d'you think you'd do that?"
"Honey, don't underestimate me. Benny's cat—"
"Dog…"
"Whatever… she underestimated me and look where she's at!"
Roger chuckled. "Yeah, well… I really don't think she would've thought it was coming either way, Ang."
"Hey! I still beat her! That bitch learned her lesson."
"First of all, she was a little dog. Second, you didn't beat her, the stupid thing jumped out the window."
Angel shrugged. "She had it coming."
Roger laughed at Angel's attitude. He definitely seemed in a brighter mood than he had been in recent days, and had even recovered from the flu he had suffered – so it couldn't be a bad thing that Angel was back to his old ways of his diva personality, which seemed overbearing, but in reality was just his very exuberant self enjoying his freedom and life in general. Roger could only wish he could set himself free like Angel… and be able to love, and accept the love of Mimi. She was everything he could ever want, and had lifted him out of the dark dungeon of depression that had almost killed him, following April's death. And yet… he couldn't bring himself to look in her eyes, and accept her or her love… and with her obvious impending death, he didn't want to do it to himself again. It was Roger's nature to be vindictive in times; in situations where he couldn't control his feelings; his life… Angel embodied everything that was good, pure, and free in the world. He lived life as a diva, on the edge… but loved everyone and everything like a child loved a parent – he was always growing, learning, and experiencing everything within himself, and was at peace with who he was, and the love he gave to people and received from them. Especially with Collins. Angel and Collins freely told of and showed each other, their love. They weren't afraid. They didn't inhibit it. They didn't care about what anyone else thought, because Roger knew… they knew… that they only lived and loved for each other. So, Roger thought, why couldn't he bring himself to accept that between him and Mimi? Why was it so hard?
Well, now seemed like as good a time as any to get Angel's advice… to have a heart-to-heart talk with a guy who had made sure that he experienced every aspect of life he could, because he knew his time was coming to an end. Angel continued to clean up the mess.
"Angel, can I ask you something?"
The younger man stopped and turned back, smiling. "Sure. Anything, everything, ask away! What's up, hon?" he put down the handkerchief and gave his full attention to the obviously troubled man standing before him. Roger moved across the room, and came to a stop at the window, staring out into the morning. New York was so different in the day time. Not any more or any less dangerous, but… it seemed softer. Not as unknown. More familiar. More… accommodating. Despite the hustle and bustle of everyday New York City life, it gave Roger a more greater sense of peace. He could see everything, and it made him more comfortable.
"What am I doing wrong?"
"What d'you mean?"
"You know," he turned around to face him. "With Mimi. Why can't I let myself love her? And tell her?"
Angel gave him a small, sympathetic smile. He then approached him. "Roger, you love her. You can't let yourself, or stop yourself from loving someone… it just happens. It's so… so… freeing… amazing… like you're flying! That's love!" he grinned and spread his arms out from his body, like he was flying. Angel's carefree spirit kept a lot of people happy and created an atmosphere unlike anything else… like all that was there in the world, was love and freedom, and… paradise!
"Like with you and Collins?"
"Me and Collins? Honey, there's no difference between the love between me and him, than there is between you and Mimi. Nothing."
"Right," Roger scoffed. "That's not what I see."
"What you see?" Angel frowned, trying to think how to approach it. "Well, what about what you don't see? You think Collins and I are perfect… that our relationship doesn't have any problems? Darling, I'm gonna die. Soon. Before him. And it's killing him, and killing me to see him like that. And we fight about it. There are times when I just don't wanna see him, and there are times when I'm not sure what I feel about him. But I know there's one thing I can't deny to myself… and that's my love for him." He sat down on the bed. "And that love always breaks through our problems. You can't deny it that you love Mimi… sometimes you can say the words, but deep down, you know you can't believe them."
"I love her," Roger quickly replied. "Ever since April, died—"
"See! That's it, Rog. That's what's stopping you from telling her. You still can't get over the fact that April forced you away from her. She killed herself. Now you're gonna blame Mimi when she dies, for leaving you just the way April did. You can't tell me you love her! Tell the girl, otherwise my ears will start bleeding with all this depression" he rubbed his ears and winked at Roger.
"No day but today, darlin'!"
"No, I—"
"Yeah, you will. You won't let yourself admit cause you know that once she hears those words from you… you can't take them back. You're relationship with her will be official, and the emotional attachment will be there forever. You won't be able to break it. The consequences of being in love with someone, is the grief when they're taken away from you."
Roger shook his head, spitefully. "What? You a shrink now?"
Being serious now, Angel touched his shoulder, reassuringly. "No. But I've seen it… everyday. And I've experienced it. Roger, what do you want me to say, baby? What'd you think I'd say?"
"That you'd understand."
"I DO understand!"
"No!" Roger pulled away from him. "No, you don't, Angel. You and Collins… you flaunt your perfect relationship, your love for each other all over the place. And I can't do that with Mimi!"
"Why not!" Angel yelled back, exasperated. It usually took a lot to piss him off, but seeing that Roger was barely making any progress to resolving his issues with Mimi before she died… it was frustrating… and it hurt him, too.
"You love her; she loves you. That's it. You won't let yourself love her because you don't wanna experience the pain and grief when she dies. You don't want to deal with it – you'll blame her for leaving you, you'll get angry… so you don't have to grieve. It's not healthy, Roger!"
"And what would you know?"
"I know that I'm gonna die before she does!" Angel spat at him. "I know that Collins and I have less time together than you two have. And we're making the most of it. Believe me, despite all this," he gestured to himself, the clothes. "… I hurt, Roger. It hurts so bad to have to accept the fact that Collins and I won't be together again. But you still have a chance to make things right with Mimi."
He then moved closer to Roger again, hoping to get the message to sink through the man's stubbornness.
"I know, honey," he spoke more calmly, in a more understanding tone. "I know what it's like to grieve… and it hurts. But you can't expect to stop it – pushing Mimi away won't stop you hurting when she dies… it'll just make you hurt more. Her last hours should be spent with the man she loves, not by herself or even with her friends. She should be with you – you two should be celebrating your love in her last hours… not grieving it, or mourning something that you haven't even really experienced with her. Believe me; you'll regret not being with her, not letting her know you love her… than you will by shielding yourself from her."
"I…" Roger stammered, tears brimming his eyes. "I can't…"
"You can, Rog. You know you can. You can't stop your grief… but it'll be less painful to love her and let her go, then to not. Like I said… I'm gonna die before her. I know it; I can feel it in my bones… my blood… you still have time. I won't lie and say that you have a long time, cause you don't…" Angel spoke the truth that he knew. Roger and Mimi were now on their last chance to make things right and to give each other the love that they both felt. It broke Angel's heart to see them both like this… Mimi was willing to give up everything to prove her love for Roger. And he was resisting it.
"But you have time. Don't waste it. Time won't wait for you, darling. Not for you… not for me or Collins… certainly not for Mimi."
Roger stared out the window as Angel talked. He knew that everything the younger guy said, made total sense, and he accepted that… but it was easier said than done. The thing was – he didn't see April's death coming, but with Mimi… he knew her time was almost up and it was so hard to let himself be exposed to that pain again.
"All this resistance…" Angel continued, with a wistful sigh. "You want to not feel the pain when she dies, Roger… you've made this all about you, when it's not. And," he stammered. "It's not even about Mimi alone. It's about the two of you. And your love. This isn't any easier for her, Rog… to leave the man she loves behind, going into a world she doesn't know. I'll take care of her when she gets there, I'll wait for her. But you gotta take care of her here, while she still has you – while you still have each other."
Knowing that he had said all he could without repeating himself, Angel turned around and reluctantly walked away, over to the door. He looked over his shoulder one last time, to see Roger still in the same position and staring out the window, deep in thought.
"You love her, Roger. She's the one who needs to hear the words… to experience that love…" he then left the room, thinking about his own words that he had just spoken. He and Collins needed to share their final days with each other, alone. He needed to make Collins realise that their love will last forever, into eternity, and that they'd both carry each other in their hearts… Angel suddenly found himself sitting on the steps outside the loft, wanting his lover to come home to him. He didn't want to spend a second longer apart from Collins that he had to. He took his drum sticks out of his leggings and started lightly banging on various objects, getting a good beat started, and singing softly.
"Today for you, tomorrow for me…" he stopped and looked up at the brightening sky over New York City, taking in a deep breath.
MEANWHILE – WITH COLLINS
Finally, something… or someone… else had entered into his mind other than Angel during the past few hours. For days, only Angel existed in Collins' mind and he would have it no other way. But now, Mimi and her welfare was his main concern. He and Angel, as well as Mark, Maureen, and Joanne, all were concerned about what was going on, or rather what wasn't going on between Roger and Mimi. They were concerned she'd fall back into heavy drug use if Roger was to totally reject her, which was looking like a strong possibility at the moment. Mimi was like a little sister to Collins, and there was no way he'd let her destroy herself. Sure, he knew love was worth fighting for – hell, it was worth Mimi was like a little sister to Collins, and there was no way he'd let her destroy herself. Sure, he knew love was worth fighting for – hell, it was worth dying for. But, it wasn't worth destroying yourself, hurting yourself, for. After all, love is best experienced when both the people involved have each other… to hold, and comfort… to share the kisses and each touch. To ache and pine for each loving stare into each other's eyes… it was all worth it.
Him and Mark had both agreed to split up to search for her. Mark would take the streets surrounding the loft, and Collins would go to Central Park to look for her. On the way, though, it required him to walk past Benny's million-dollar apartment, which he wasn't looking forward to. That area catered to the rich and their snooty lives. Collins could've had it… if he had chosen to conform and settle into being just another boring, normal, unchallenging college professor. He had been offered, in the past, jobs at MIT, New York University, even Harvard at one point. But his Actual Reality theory wasn't very well received at any of the institutions that he'd be even remotely interested in going to. In fact, earlier that year he had the opportunity to teach at NYU, but when they found out he was gay, was HIV positive, and had a drag queen, AIDS-infected, street musician for a lover… plus his theories and being a vagabond anarchist… it wasn't an appealing mixture for a university of NYU's stature, or for MIT or any other university. Conformity still ruled. He could've had Benny's life if he had really wanted it… but he wasn't prepared to give up his love, his friends, or himself. He'd never sacrifice who he was for the sake of fitting in with high society or society in general. He'd never be… nor would he ever want to be, Benjamin Coffin III. Never.
Collins crossed the street and looked around at his surroundings as he passed them. Everyone was going about their business as usual; not giving him a second glance. He fitted in quite well with the normal New Yorker – if only they knew.
"Mimi where the fuck are you?" he muttered under his breath. Being nineteen years old, Mimi was the typical teen in being rebellious, experimental, and a complete brat at times. All Collins wanted to do was be back at the loft with Angel and his friends… being with them presented all the happiness he could ever need or hope for in his life. He then came to walking past Benny's apartment building… though the timing could've been better. As he was about to walk past the entrance, the doorman opened the door and a petite Latin young woman came stumbling out, adjusting her top. She stopped when she saw who was walking outside…
"Collins!" Mimi gasped and covered her mouth with both hands; regretting the instant moment when she said his name. The shock of seeing him there alone was too much, and she couldn't help herself. Collins' eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw the very… ahem… messed up looking Mimi Marquez at the top of the steps. Her hair was mattered and messed up, her top wasn't straight and her skirt wasn't zipped up properly, and she was carrying her shoes. He just stood there, gawking.
"Mimi…" he stammered; his voice calm. "Tell me that you didn't just do… what I think you just fucking did…"
Mimi was horrified at this awkward encounter, and realised what this would mean for her relationship with Roger. Collins was always fiercely loyal to his friends, especially with Roger… and Mimi knew he wouldn't hesitate to tell him of this if she didn't. Meanwhile, Collins was still in shock at what had just happened – and now he had the urge to find Benny and, how should I say this…? Fuck him up.
"Mimi…?"
"Collins!" Mimi jumped down the stairs and into his arms, with an obvious pleading look in her eyes. "Collins, it's not what you think—"
"No, I'm betting it's exactly what I'm thinkin'," he shot, viciously, at her. He pushed her back and held her by her arms, firmly but not too harshly.
"Mimi, how could you do this to Roger! With Benny! Of all people?"
Mimi burst into tears. "Collins, please! It's not that… I… I love Roger, I didn't… you can't say…"
Collins turned around and started down the street, heading back towards the loss. For sure, this would destroy any chance for Roger and Mimi to be together… but he wouldn't let Roger be betrayed…
"Collins!" she pleaded desperately, trying to pull him back. She was almost in hysterics, and knew that Roger would never forgive her for this.
"Please! Stop!"
"How could you do this, Mimi? After everything we've done to bring Roger around! He loves you!"
"Yeah, well he doesn't show it!" she screamed at him, and leaned against the wall, crying. Everything was going so wrong – her and Roger… her life… the virus was quickly consuming every last ounce of faith and reality in her. Now, everything was distorted and blurry – to Mimi, her entire world… her friends, her life… now that she was dying, it seemed meaningless, as horrible as that sounds. She kept waiting for her friends to give up on her, but never really expected Roger too… she kept expecting him to come back to her every time…
"He's never said it! He doesn't show it! Every time he does, he only shows it at 1/8 of an ounce at a time!" she covered her face with his hands, ready to give up.
"And so you go and fuck Benny to get back at him, is that it? You are so fucked up, Mimi…" Collins snapped, leaning against the wall next to her.
"You don't think I don't know that!"
"So why BENNY! I should go throw him out the same window Angel did with his dog!"
"I thought the dog jumped…?"
"Whatever!" Collins turned to her. "Mimi what the hell were you thinking? Whoring yourself out to Benny! Roger hates him with a passion and you know it!"
"I'm no sucker, Collins!" she protested. "I can't keep waiting for Roger forever. I have what… three, four weeks? Not even that!" she cried.
Collins shook her head, wondering what to do… he was divided between his loyalty to his best friend, and helping both Roger and Mimi see past their differences and realise their love for each other. Even though Mimi freely admitted her love for Roger, Collins was sure she didn't know what those words really entailed. Mimi had never been in a very serious relationship before, and her expectations were very hard to figure out.
"You don't know what you've just done, Mims…"
"I know…"
"You and Roger are through if, or when, this gets back to him…"
"I know…"
"And if you won't tell him – be honest with him – you know I will…"
"I KNOW, Collins!" she yelled at him, several passer Byers stared at them, trying to figure out what the commotion was about – not that it was very difficult, neither of them were really bothered with airing their personal problems out to the public. It didn't really make a difference to either of them.
"You and Angel," she snapped. "Have the perfect relationship. Angel isn't scared to tell you he loves you – he worships you, he'd do anything for you! Fuck, Collins! Everything is so fucking perfect for you, you're boyfriend isn't scared to love you! You don't know how hard it is!"
"Oh you gotta be kidding me…"
"No. What am I doing wrong, Collins?"
He sighed and opened his arms as a gesture for her to come to him, which she did. Collins wrapped his arms around her and hugged her, kissing her forehead.
"Nothing," he replied. "You've done nothing wrong, Mimi. And neither has Roger, he just has… intimacy issues, I guess."
She snorted. "Yeah, no fucking kidding."
Mimi brought her hand up to her face, brushing back strands of hair from her face and that's when Collins noticed it. His eyes widened at the realisation of what she had been recently doing in the past few hours, and grabbed her wrist, pulling her arm out in front of him.
"Oh shit… you've been using again!"
She pulled her arm away and stood defensively. "So what!"
"So what! Mimi are you trying to kill yourself?"
She shrugged nonchalantly. "Just trying to speed the process up."
"Mimi…"
"That'll do, Tom. It's done. Roger doesn't love me… I have betrayed him, I'm dying… I'm fucking high. I've got nothing left to live for."
Collins shook his head at the depression his friend was going through – the affects of the drugs were beginning to wear off and Mimi's despair was very obvious. What more could he or any of them do?
"Roger loves you, Mimi… he'll get it. But don't you be the one to make him realise it after you're gone. Love's not meant to be easy, Mimi." He turned to walk off, but then stopped and looked over his shoulder.
"And Angel and I don't have it perfect… we have love. That's it. I won't tell Roger about you and Benny. But you should… he deserves that much." Collins then walked further down the street, leaving Mimi to ponder his words. But about ten more yards, he turned around once more.
"Mimi?"
She looked up. "What?"
He smiled, reassuringly. "No day but today…" and without waiting for her to respond, he left her there, hoping that Mimi would finally step up and make a final attempt to experience love, with Roger. He'd deal with Benny another time.
Meanwhile, on the twenty-third floor, Benny stared down at Collins and Mimi from his window. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but from the way Collins was reacting to Mimi... it couldn't be good. Believe it or not, Benny didn't enjoy putting them through what he did –he just lead a different life now. He wasn't a bohemian anymore… he was a sophisticate… apart of the elite social groups now, and he couldn't afford to keep the likes of his ex-friends in with his life. As crap as his thought processes about that were, that's how many people in his position thought. To the social elite, those of bohemians and of poor background were not worth their time of day or money… unless there was some sort of monetary benefit to them, such as art or whatever.
After Collins walked away, Benny continued to stare down at Mimi – he loved her, but her love was only for Roger. And she would be dead soon, and that would crush him.
With Mimi, she began to cough. Collins was right, she was fucked up and about to lose the love of her life. She betrayed Roger with Benny… she didn't deserve him. But at the same time, she was sick and tired of being constantly picked up and then thrown aside by Roger. She could feel the love from him, and see it in his eyes – but he couldn't say the words that she desperately needed to hear. Tears now flowed freely down her face, and she made no attempt to cover them. These were tears of grief… love… pain… sorrow… confusion… and desperation.
Mimi then stood up and wiped her face on her top. This was it. She had to fix things with Roger now, before it was too late. If he wasn't going to willingly talk to her, then she'd have to force his hand – his words.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hey, hope you're enjoying it so far. Let me know what you think, by leaving a review. Constructive criticism is always welcome. Please review! Don't make me beg! Lol. Let me know if I should continue. Thanks!