Fox's Eating Habits, Part I
Kal Takane Veras
Author's Note: When you see this: (Divider) that means there should be a divider at that point.
(Divider)
Fox awoke from a nap with a stomachache. "Uggh, never eat 10 bean enchiladas in a row…I shouldn't have made that bet with Falco." He stumbled off to the bathroom.
PHHHTT!
"AGH!" Fox screamed, clawing blindly at the door, noxious odors filling his nose.
"Ugh." Falco muttered, coming into Fox's room. "Never eat 9 bean enchiladas in a row…" He tried the bathroom door and Fox shot out like a furry missile.
PHHHTT!
"Oh, shiitake mushrooms!" Fox screamed as Falco's colonic prowess overwhelmed him.
(Divider)
Fox went off to his monthly Smasher examination from Dr. Mario.
"Fox McCloud, you have a problem." Dr. Mario stated.
"What! Does my appendix need to be removed? Do I have cancer?" AHH!" Fox ran around the room upending things and crashing into the walls.
"Well, actually, you have the same problem as most of the American population. You are obese."
"Does this mean I need surgery?" Fox said.
"No, it means you're fat. Foxes are supposed to run around, eating mice and rabbits and getting lots of exercise. However, you lounge around and eat burgers, fries, and-"
PHHHTT!
"Bean dip." Fox finished for him.
"Yes, well, you really must change your diet before you become morbidly obese." Dr. Mario said.
"What?" Fox yelped. "Will I get cancer?"
"Shut up about cancer. You probably don't even know the meaning of the word."
"Oh yeah? It's a disease where your body inflates like a balloon and you die of malnutrition because you can't supply your body with enough food!"
"Do you lose oxygen to your brain whenever you fly a plane?" the doctor muttered.
"Yeah, whatever. Listen, I'm going to Burger King to get a Whopper. See you later."
"He doesn't get the point." the doctor muttered as Fox rushed out.
(Divider)
"Well, he does have a point." Yoshi said to Fox. "You are bigger than any fox I've ever seen on National Geographic…"
"Pshaw. I'm just big-boned." Fox said, flexing a muscle.
"Since when are bones suddenly all flabby?" Roy said, rubbing Fox's "bones."
"…Shut up."
"Fox, we're your friends and you know we wouldn't want anything to happen to you. Come on, we'll show you the benefits of actual food." Yoshi said.
"Oh…sure."
(Divider)
"This is a pineapple, Fox. It is a fruit. A fruit is a type of food that is sweet and healthy. It has vitamin C which protects you from certain diseases."
"Oh, yeah, pineapple. I drink a whipped cream and pineapple smoothie twice every day. Nice and sweet!" Fox said, smacking his lips. "5 pineapple juice!"
"…Ok. Let's move on to something different. This is a piece of broccoli. It is a vegetable. It is nice and tasty and it protects you from cancer. Since that is the only word you understand, 'cancer'."
"Cancer? Oh, no!" Fox yelled. He snatched the broccoli from Yoshi's hand and gulped it down.
"See? Nothing to it." Yoshi said to Roy.
"PLSST!" Fox choked up the broccoli again, spattering Yoshi and Roy with bits of broccoli and saliva.
"ARGH! VILE WEED!" Fox screamed. (Stolen from Seinfeld, you may have noticed.)
"Nothing to it. Sure." Roy dryly said.
(Divider)
"This is a donut, Fox. It's okay to eat one or two, but you shouldn't eat-"
SNORT! GULP! MUNCH!
"-the whole box." Yoshi and Roy collapsed into chairs.
"All right. There will be an embargo of donuts coming into this mansion. Fox, you are forbidden to eat donuts until you lose weight."
"NOOOO!"
(Divider)
"Fox, I'm glad to see you're not eating any more donuts." Roy said the next day.
"Of course."
(Divider)
Falco sat down next to his bed. "Ahh. A nice afternoon snack." He reached into his private locked drawer and pulled out…
"HEY! Where are those cream donuts I saved from breakfast!" Falco screamed through the halls.
(Divider)
"Hi, Fox." Yoshi said. "I borrowed this instant weight-o-meter from Dr. Mario. Let's see your weight…" He thrust the device down Fox's shirt.
"Aigh! Private space!" Fox yelped.
"Hmm, you lost 0.000000342 pounds. Not bad. But you have to cut down on your fat intake."
"Right. How do I do that?"
"Cut down on the bean dip, Fox."
"Bean dip? I didn't have any bean dip." Fox said, an innocent smile on his face.
PHHHTT!
"That had "Fox" written all over it." Yoshi said. "Look, it's not so bad. All you have to do is eat a little less."
"Huh?"
"Ok, let me tell you a story. There was a bear and a tiger living in a cave. The bear always ate a lot. The tiger ate just enough to fill his stomach. This continued every day, and the bear grew old, fat and weak. The tiger grew old too, but he grew strong and lean. One day, the tiger ventured out to hunt, but when the bear followed, he got his fat body stuck in the entrance of the cave and had no strength to get out. He died a painful and hungry death. The end."
"But why didn't the tiger feed his friend?" Fox asked.
"Um, the tiger didn't want anything to do with a fat lump."
"But at least the bear led a nice satisfying life." With that, Fox walked away.
"He doesn't get the concept." Yoshi muttered to himself.
(Divider)
"Fox! Want to hear something cool?" Roy asked his friend.
"What?"
"I read if you eat a lot of carrots, you will turn orange."
"I already am orange." Fox said, ruffling his fur.
"Oh. Well, I also read that if you eat enough asparagus, your pee will turn different colors."
"Why would anyone want green pee?"
"Er… because it's cool?"
"Ugh! Why is that cool? It's disgusting! It's not like you're going to pee in front of people and show them!"
"…Well, just try it."
"Never! I refuse to degrade myself for the sake of nutrition!"
(Divider)
"All right. We'll cut these carrots into strips and serve them in place of his French fries, ok?" Roy said.
"Sure." said Yoshi.
Later, at dinner…
"Ugh. These French fries don't taste good. I won't eat these again!"
"Nice." Roy winked at Yoshi.
"I'll have to eat more burgers to make up for this." With that, Fox began shoving hamburger into his mouth.
"What are the odds of the soybean burgers working?" Yoshi muttered to a sheepish Roy.
"Yes, dessert!" Bowser yelled, leaping on the chocolate éclairs.
Fox reached for an éclair, but suddenly remembered the story about the tiger and the bear.
"I better take more." Fox picked up three.
"No, Fox! Those are mine!" Bowser yelled.
"MINE!" Fox screamed.
The other smashers watched in horror (and in Pichu's case, delight) as Fox and Bowser tumbled over each other, fighting over the éclairs.
"Die, you jerk! If anyone didn't deserve éclairs, it would be you!" Fox screamed.
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not the one who ate all the bean-"
PHHHTT!
At that precise moment, Master Hand came in.
"I'm not even going to ask." he said sardonically.
(Divider)
Zelda was reading a magazine in bed.
"Hey, this is a great plan, it's perfect for all the fat people in here, especially-(here memories of the food fight earlier washed up) those two!"
She jumped out of bed and headed toward the kitchen.
TO BE CONTINUED…(review hint hint)