Words left unspoken

OH MY GOD I MET JOHNATHAN STROUD! I GOT TO TALK TO HIM FOR TEN MINUTES! HE'S SO COOOOOOL! AND HE TOLD ME GOOD LUCK WITH MY WRITING! Ahem, lol, sorry. But he's my favourite fantasy writer! He was so nice; he signed all three books for me and discussed writing techniques with me! If you haven't read his Bartimaeus trilogy, do now! It's amazing!

The first thoughts are Rikku's, Gippal's are later. But neither are directed at someone anymore, you'll see why when you read them. Enjoy! Only one more chapter to go after this! It's all written and ready! I'll post the final chapter Friday!

Shakai: Make a movie? That would be so cool! Hmmm…I wonder if a hundred pund would be enough, that's all I have. Lol, the special effects would be soooo bad! Nearly ending now –sniff- but at least then I can go back to evil zidane!

FairyIce: Glad to hear it! Rikku just has to realise that too, so I hope you like the epilogue!

kairiyuna14: your story is great, don't get put off by lack of reviews, they just haven't realised about it. as for them living peacefully…well, you'll see.

DarkenedPetals: glad you like!

rikkukirst: well, technically it was, this is the epilogue, lol. I'm getting good at cliffhangers. I listened to evanescence while writing up the final part, you're right, it is effective.

asga: Yeah, I'm so mean to the poor guy.

Jezzi: glad you like!

She's Happy2bHardcore: glad you think so!

Gippals0Laydee: lol, glad you still like him! And that you're enjoying the story.

atcw1210: You'll see….

rikku-thief: yeah, I love the berserker outfit, that and the alchemist. Glad you like angst, cause there's a lot now.

Kotono116: if I killed myself I couldn't write more, lol. Don't worry, I'll look after myself. But this story is finished! All written and ready to post. Ugh, by the way, star wars? I hate star wars, no offense or anything; I thought that film was kind of unrealistic how he suddenly turned evil.

Words Left Unspoken

That moment when he looked at me, said those words and killed his father…that was the moment I lose part of him forever. That look in his eye…it scared me. It scared me more than the fact he killed someone.

At first I didn't want to believe it, refused to accept it. But when an hour passed after Cameo's death and he still had that haunted look…I knew. I knew he could never be the same carefree man he once was.

And I hated it.

I hated him too. He didn't listen, he wouldn't stop. He…he killed his father when I asked him not to.

…And I hate that he was right. I don't understand, and I don't think I ever could. I can never know what his life was like, why he needed to kill the man before he could ever move forward.

But now he's…broken.

In the past hour, all he's done is stare into space, staying lose to Cameo's body as Cid and Brother carried it to the airship. Now we're all working on fixing enough damage so the Cesius will fly, while Gippal remains in the cabin, his unseeing gaze never leaving the now bundled form.

But I don't hate him for that, not entirely. He had to chose survival over me, I can respect that..

I think.

What hurts the most is that I can't seem to go near him. I…I'm afraid of him.

I can't even direct these thoughts at him.

These are my words left unspoken.

Because I can't reach him anymore. I can't seem to look past the blood covering his skin, staining him forever.

And I hate it. I hate me, I hate him…I just hate it.

Where do we go from here? How can we ever move past this? Can what we had survive what we had to do? I don't know, I just don't know.

I wish he could jus wash the blood away. I wish everything could be forgotten.

Memories are more than that. He always knew that. That's why it had to end this way.

But I still don't understand.

Oh Gippal, I don't want to lose you…

Please, please come down. Please stop staring at it.

"I can't believe it's really over, ya." Wakka muttered to the Al Bhed next to him. "That airship will be flying again in no time."

"Yeah, I guess." The man nodded, frowning in worry. "Thanks for helping, it means a lot. Especially seen as I couldn't help myself."

"No worried, you have to fully recover first." Wakka laughed, lightly patting Lance on the back. "Still, it will be a relief once Yuna does her speech, then it will clear up what happened."

"I just hope they're alright." Lance whispered quietly.

It had been a day now since word spread that the threat was defeated, and Wakka had rushed to Luca on the boat with Kilikans and Al Bheds alike. The Celsius looked in bad shape but had flown easily enough, but Wakka had yet to see Yuna or the others. They seemed to have been busy recovering their strength in time for the speech.

"Gippal will be fine ya. He's strong." Lance just smiled weakly, not looking convinced.

They only had to wait another ten minutes before the crowd started cheering, having spotted the High Summoner on the platform, waving with a warm smile. Wakka noticed Paine, Baralai, Tidus, Brother and a tired looking Rikku behind her. No Gippal.

"Oh no." Lance breathed.

"Thank you all for being so patient and understanding over this new threat. We're here now to say it really has ended; the threat was defeated." She waited a few minutes for the cheers to subside before continuing. "It is thanks to Rikku, her father Cid and to Gippal that Spira is safe once again." The crowd murmured at this, not sure how to react. "And as for the threat itself…" Yuna hesitated, glancing at Rikku before turning back. "It was an old enemy in a new form, for although Sin is gone, its toxin remained in someone's body. The victim was an old friend for some, a father for another…and after so long of being lost he has finally been freed.

"I hope in time you can forgive this man, Cameo, for falling under Sin's influence. But for now, know that you are safe, and Sin can never harm us again." She paused a moment, the crowd waited silently, eagerly for her to continue.

"Our proof of this is our words, and machina parts, and…and the body of Cameo, the man who lost himself. This battle has cost much pain to the Al Bhed, but to one in particular, one many secretly admire. For Gippal…Gippal lost his father yesterday, he lost in order to save you. Please, please don't blame who his parents were, don't blame him for this. Already he has suffered enough, and I can only hope you too wish for his recovery, for the battle has injured him in more ways than one.

"Spira, we fight for you, and we always will. And now I ask you to forgive our past mistakes. We do our best, but we're human too. We make mistakes. And I hope you can forgive, as we forgive our past enemies, or as we forgive those that seem lost. Lend them your strength and Spira will prevail, that I promise you."

"How's he doing?" Lance asked Rikku as soon as he reached them. "Is he..?"

"He'll survive." Rikku told him, smiling sadly. "He always will...but beyond that…I just don't know."

I wonder if it's a sin to kick a dead body. But I couldn't help it, I couldn't really believe it. Part of me never will.

Dead.

The man is dead.

I killed him.

He really was just a man after all…

I only kicked it once, when no one was there, just to make sure. I half expected him to ump up and smirk. And I felt empty when he didn't/

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I haven't washed the blood off yet, and I know even if its gone, it will never be truly gone. I will always see it. Rikku will always see it.

…I wonder if I should kick it again, just to make sure…

My leg keeps throbbing, it's kind of annoying. I've healed it with potions so it's not life threatening, but it still hurts. Its still there to remind me I have a body.

…She looked so shocked when I killed him. She looked scared. I never wanted to hurt her, but I couldn't let him live. I just couldn't.

Yet he still feels alive anyway. Maybe I killed him for nothing.

I'm too tired to stand, so I poke it instead. It feels cold, lifeless. But not dead. He will never be dead to me.

Nightmares don't die, you just wake up; but I'll never wake up.

That reminds me, I haven't slept in a while; I haven't eaten either. I should eat, food means survival. There wouldn't be much point starving myself now after what I gave up to live.

But I don't want to move, he might spring to life if I turn away. But damn do I need to pee.

Strange how everything carries on, how time keeps moving. Change keeps happening, most willing. But I don't want to change; I want to go back to what I used to be.

I didn't used to be a killer; I didn't used to know how it felt to plunge a knife into someone's heart. I want to forget it, all of it.

But I can't, I never will. And I'll never be able to go back to what I was. How I could throw careless smiles wherever I wanted, laugh and tease those me like it was second nature. That person is gone. All that remains of him is a shell.

I'm just a shell, yet I can't let go of fear. Not for anything, nor even for Rikku.

I poke at it again.

Just to be sure.

But I'll never be sure. Never again.

"That bad?" Lance asked his friend, grimacing as Cid nodded.

"Maybe you can talk some sense into him, ain't listening to me." Cid sighed.

"What about Rikku?"

"...She's too shook up to try." Lance just nodded and wobbled to the lift. He was still sore from his fall.

"Don't worry I'll get the lad to bathe, eat, sleep and dance with a chocobo if I have to." He said it so seriously that Cid didn't doubt him for a second. Lance was the living form of stubborn.

Still, Lance couldn't help but take in a deep nervous breath before the lift door opened. This was going to be far from easy.

It was the smell of blood that hit him first. A smell that made his nose wrinkle.

"Damn." Was all he could say when his gaze fell on Gippal. The boy was a mess. His clothes were soaked with dried blood, his hair dyed with it, his face hidden by it.

His sanity drowning in it.

One hand was clenched into a fist, now a pale white under the blood coating. The other hand was lightly poking the body in a rhythmic way, his eye remaining void of any emotion.

As though nothing remained within its depth.

"Gippal?" Lance croaked out. At first he didn't seem to hear, but eventually acknowledged his surrogate father's presence by stopping his poking. But his gaze never left the body.

"Just checking." Came a toneless voice, one that reminded Lance of Cameo more than Gippal. "He's not really dead. He's never really dead."

"He's dead Gippal." Lance said firmly, moving closer with a flinch. "Damn boy! You need that healing!"

"I'll live." Gippal muttered, not sounding too happy about it.

"Aye you will, but if you don't want a limp you need one the girls to look at it." He said, sitting down on the other side of the body.

"No ones touching me. I...I'm not clean." Gippal told him, a slight flicker of pain entering his eye. Lance couldn't even conjure up a reassuring smile for that.

"You can wash it off kid."

"It will still be there." Gippal said, sounding defeated.

"Yeah, it will until you can forgive yourself for what happened…and that may never happen. But Gippal, it may not feel like it right now but you did what you had to, no matter what the cost. People will understand that in time…and so will Rikku. You'll see. You just have to learn how to cope with what you've done."

"I don't want her forgiveness." Gippal snapped, looking away from his dead father for the first time. "It would be like mum, she'd be miserable and trapped. I…I've become him! I can't be with her now."

"You're nothing like him Gippal." Lance said quietly.

"I'm a murderer."

"You killed him to save others."

"Liar."

"Alright; so you could have spared his life like Rikku wanted, but what would that have done? You'd have never felt safe…well, even less than ya do now. Spira would be less forgiving to his soul if he lived. You did what you had to; you saved Cid, Rikku, me, yourself…and Cameo. He's free now."

Lance had never thought someone could laugh without smiling, not even a cold laugh. But Gippal managed it, a cold defeated laugh from a lifeless young man.

"Then I'm exactly like him, he killed people to save them…Maybe he was right after all, I don't even know anymore. I don't see the point anymore."

What could he say to that? How could he convince a man who'd lost hope in life and reason? He couldn't. So he did the next best thing before Gippal could go back to poking the body.

SLAP!

Gippal just blinked, staring at Lance with confusion and a slight glint of humour. Good, it worked a little.

"What was that for?" Gippal asked in his new emotionless voice.

"To knock some sense in you! Next thing I know you'll be running off into the Farplane to kiss Yevon's ass! You are not like him! He killed because he had no other cause to believe in. He couldn't…he loved your mother, but he didn't remember the reason. So his killings were everything to him. You ain't like that. You have a cause Gippal, many in fact, but the main one is still around because of you. Rikku loves you, she always will…and even of she don't fully understand why you had to kill him, she'll accept it. Just give her time…We all need some time right now…to adjust." Gippal's gaze faltered, falling back to the body. Thankfully he didn't begin his poking again, but merely whispered a reply, one that made Lance see there was still some hope for him.

"In time."

"How did he do it?" Baralai asked. The group were in a Lucan hotel (free of charge, thanks to their contribution of saving the Spira again) eating together while eagerly awaiting news of Gippal.

"No clue, but he always could talk sense into the kid." Cid chuckled. "Anywho, the boys here getting cleaned up; away from…from the body."

The room fell silent at this, some pretending to play with their food while others jus stared at it. no one knew what to say.

Rikku had been quiet the whole day, and everyone was worried. Even in the darkest times in the past she'd seemed more hopeful than now. But she was just anxious and scared, and she wasn't sure of what.

"He'll be alright." Brother suddenly burst, surprising everyone. "He's annoying that way."

A faint smile appeared on his sister's face.

"Yeah, I hope so." She whispered. "He deserves to be happy."

But it will it be with me? She asked silently, the image of him thrusting the knife into the father's heart coming into her mind.

…I don't know anymore.

The water was cold. It had been for an hour now. But Gippal couldn't leave the tub, he feared leaving.

The blood was washed from his body now and instead stained the water. The water he couldn't stop staring at.

This blood was the dragons, his fathers and his own all mixed together. In the water they had become one, even though two were now dead, killed by the third.

All had been murderers, no better than each other. Yet the one who survived wasn't being acknowledged as one.

The blood was merged now, their fates forged. No turning back, no undoing what had occurred.

His right hand was shaking, it wouldn't stop. It was as though it needed to be poking the body. Needed to see he was still dead.

…What if he was alive again? What if he was after Rikku?

The hand shook violently.

He can't be, he's dead…He's just a man.

Using his shaking right hand Gippal traced the scars on his chest and back, replaying his memories of how he got each of them. Could a man really do so much damage? Could someone who'd marked him forever real now cease to be?

…Will I ever feel safe from him?

No, but maybe others could.

Rikku.

The thought of her warmed the coldness settled in his heart. It hurt to think of her, of what he'd done to her. He'd killed in front of her, chosen to be a murderer when it meant he'd lose her.

I'm sorry.

But those were his words left unspoken. She could never understand why. No matter how much he might explain.

Although explaining was not a very appealing idea. He never wanted to think of it again.

But he would. Everyday, for the rest of his life.

The watery blood looked thin, and Gippal blinked at this. Thin as though the merge was less strong from real blood. Had less hold and room for something more.

…Something more?

"Gippal, you done yet?" Lance demanded through the door.

Something more. Maybe he was more than just a murderer; maybe…maybe he was still Gippal. Just maybe.

He could be Gippal again someday. He could leave the past behind.

In time.

"Not quite Lance, I still have something to do."

I just need some time.

"What you need is a large wedding!" Leblanc gushed, and has been since her and Nooj's arrival. "The more people there means more wedding gifts!"

"Well…" Yuna began. "We were thinking of a small wedding."

"Nonsense! You want to show off a bit loves! Now, when I get married…" She continued, looking meaningful at Nooj, who ignored her.

"We should be focusing on the situation, not weddings." He grumbled, making Baralai chuckle at his mood. "I heard Gippal's leg needs healing, we should think about how to get that done."

"Baralai get your Yevonite butt up here!" Lance's voice seemed to answer for them. "Before he changes his mind."

Baralai gave an apologetic smile to Rikku before leaving, but she didn't notice.

They really were being torn apart; he didn't even want her near.

Because he knew. He'd seen her reaction.

Would time really be enough?

Perhaps they could never rekindle what they had. No matter how long they tried.

"Rikku are you okay?" Her cousin asked. She didn't answer, what could she say?

It was another hour before Baralai was finally finished, partly because it was harder to heal such a delicate wound without touching it and partly because it wasn't just Gippal's leg he was trying to heal. His state of mind needed some attention too.

But no matter what he tried the Al Bhed did n't smile, his hand wouldn't steady unless the body was in sight. And the body was currently on the airship, being moved by Cid to the engine room.

Gippal just seemed…broken.

And Baralai couldn't help him with magic; he could only offer his support and friendship. It was up to Gippal to help himself.

"I want him buried behind Djose temple." Gippal spoke up for the first time, his eye remaining its new void state.

"He'll to have a proper sending dance before he's allowed near there." Lance muttered, but knew better than to object. "I'll ask Lady Yuna if she will perform it." He left the room quickly and Baralai was at a loss for any reassuring words. He knew that Al Bheds usually burnt their dead, yet Gippal didn't want that.

"He never believed he was Al Bhed, I don't want him hanging around as an angry shadow like Shuyin or an unsent if I burn him." Gippal said softly, his eye gazing into space.

"You should try to rest before we leave." Baralai insisted kindly. But he was ignored, and anyone else who suggested the idea would be too.

"She'll do it!" Lance shouted up to them. "But we have to leave for Djose now!"

Rikku stayed on the bridge for the trip. She wasn't really avoiding Gippal as suchm she just knew he needed some space. With the body. In the engine room.

"You should go see him." Paine broke through her thoughts. "No one else can get through to him like you can."

"I…" Rikku began, and sighed in frustration. How could she go? Gippal had made his choice, and now he was so messed up…

She didn't know if she could help him.

"I thought you were the one who promised him you'd stay together no matter what." Paine said harshly, surprising her. Perhaps Gippal's transformation had scared her about her own haunted past.

But…he killed someone. When I asked him not to.

"Part of him did it for you." Yuna said softly. "Even though you didn't want it. He was making sure you would live Rikku, no matter what. Even…even if it meant he lost himself." Her gaze flickered to Tidus at this. "But ifyou keep trying, believing…he'll find himself again, or you'll be able to help him to."

"Yeah." Tidus added, taking his fiancée's hand. "Just give it some time, and try your best."

Part of him had dreaded her coming, and part of him had longed for it with such intensity it cut through his now numb heart. Now she was coming down the engine room's stairs and he looked fully away from the body.

Certainty could wait.

"Hey." She said, shifting nervously. He tried to smile, but it hurt. It ended up looking more like a grimace.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his tone taking on concern. The sound of it made Rikku smile warmly.

"Yeah, me and pops beat that machine to scrap. Even Brother helped. I think he stole you special weapon though." Gippal just shrugged.

"I'll get it back later."

Silence fell on them, a nervous one. Rikku moved closer and sat down, making Gippal wince. He didn't want to have innocent people near him after what he'd done. He didn't want to poison them with his sins.

"…I know I won't understand why Gippal." She began quietly, looking at the body instead of him. "But I'm trying to accept it. You did what you felt you had to, and you shouldn't destroy yourself because of that…I love you, no matter what. And I'll be here for you to help you through this." The statement brought a flicker of a smile to his face, but Rikku didn't see it.

Still, he knew what he had to do now.

"No Rikku." He spoke, making her jump. "I have to deal with this alone. Maybe after…" He left it unfinished, watching her face as she turned to him and gave a sad smile.

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" She whispered, her eyes shining with tears.

"In time." He promised, holding her gaze.

And in time maybe we can try again…with us.

Those were their joint words left unspoken. But they didn't need to be said aloud in order to be heard.

In time…