The Difference of a Life
By Kraven Ergeist
xxxxx
September 1st, 2014
Shinji's parents drove him home that night with a lot to think on. It was midnight by the time they got home, but none of them were showing any signs of going to bed.
"How about some dinner when we get home?" Yui offered, trying to lighten the mood. "We can whip up something fun tonight. How about hotcakes?"
Shinji didn't respond.
"Hm, that sounds nice, Yui," Gendo said, playing along.
Shinji still didn't say anything.
"Shinji, you've got the rest of your life to think about it," Gendo sighed. "For the time being, wouldn't it be nice to spend some quality time together? As a family?"
Shinji blinked. "All this time…this whole ordeal…has been about…war?"
Yui passed a glance at her husband. "It's more than just a war, Shinji. This is a test of god. If we don't win, we'll all die."
Shinji shook his head. "It's all just…so much to take in. These Eva's we've been testing…they're for fighting?"
Gendo nodded. "What did you think they were? Toys?"
Shinji shook his head. "I don't know…tools? Constructions equipment? Deep-sea observatory devices?"
Gendo chuckled. "What an imagination."
"Shinji," Yui said, her hands on the wheel. "You still have a year to prepare. You're going to spending your weekday afternoons and most of your weekends in combat training from now on."
"What about school?" Shinji asked.
"This is a government organization," Gendo said. "And the government controls the school. It will be taken care of. Until this war is over, you will not be held accountable for any missed assignments, projects, tests, or attendance, should there be any interference."
"That doesn't mean," Yui added with a smile. "That we'll let you skip classes. If you're absent and there's no sync testing, we'll know?"
"What about Rei?" Shinji asked. "Won't I get to go out with her any more?"
Yui and Gendo exchanged troubled looks.
"Shinji…" Gendo said. "Maybe it would be best if you two…didn't go out anymore."
Shinji's face went deadpan. "What?"
"Besides," Yui added. "Rei is going to be in the same boat as you. She won't have much in the way of free time either."
Now, Shinji's frustration was starting to boil over. "What about me? Don't I get a say in this? What if I don't want to pilot Eva anymore? What if I don't want to be your little soldier? Is that of any consequence to you at all?"
Yui looked out onto the road, sniffing back tears, but Gendo cleared his throat, and Yui recomposed herself. "Shinji…none of us are all too happy with this. But none of us have a choice. It's either this…or the world will be destroyed."
Shinji crossed his arms and stared out the window. "This is ludicrous. Since when did the fate of the world fall onto the shoulders of 13 year old boy and girl?"
Yui and Gendo exchanged glances.
"Shinji…" Yui said. "If it were in any way possible, your father and I would gladly take your place if it meant that you wouldn't have to do it. Believe me, we don't want you to have to go through all of this. But we have no choice. You have no choice."
Shinji just pouted, staring out the window.
"Rei has already agreed to it," Gendo said, suddenly.
Shinji threw him a surprised glance.
Yui furrowed her eyebrow. "Gendo…"
"If you refuse to pilot, it will only mean more will be put on her shoulders. Is that what you want, my son?"
Shinji sagged where he sat, sobbing. "…No…"
Yui threw Gendo a hard stare. "Gendo…" she whispered under her breath. "That was low. That was really low."
Gendo sighed deeply, nodding. "I know it was. I deeply regret having to do it…but it's necessary in order to convince him. And it is true, Yui."
Yui sneered, returning her gaze to the road. "That's still no excuse…"
Shinji wasn't even paying attention. He was clenching his eyes shut, hunched over in the back seat, clamping and unclamping his hand.
"I…I mustn't run away…" he said, finally.
Gendo blinked, looking back. "I'm sorry?"
Shinji looked up. "I said…I'll do it."
xxxxx
School came and went, and before Shinji knew it, he was back at NERV, in one of the pilot briefing rooms.
"Good afternoon, Pilots Ayanami and Ikari," said a woman standing at the front of the room with long black hair dressed in a NERV suit. "I'll be your trainer for the duration of the year."
Shinji cast a glance at Rei, who was sitting next to him, staring unwavering at the woman.
"During this course, we will go over combat methods, weaponry, single and multi-personal tactics, escape routes, and the map of the city both while battle ready and not. Lights!"
On cue, the lights dimmed, and a projection screen rolled down, displaying a detailed schematic of a cross-section of Tokyo-3 and the Geo-Front.
"Here," the woman unfurled a metal pointer, and indicated the image in question. "Tokyo-3 is in standby mode. All the offices and residential buildings are above the surface. Here, however…"
The projection screen switched, and another schematic, this time of the Geo-Front containing most of the buildings that existed above it. "Tokyo-3 is in combat-ready mode. It is during this phase that we hope to receive most offensive attacks. Now here…"
The slide switched to an overlay shot. About 130 different points lit up on the map. "…Are all the available routes to and from the Geo-Front. And here…" The points located on the map switched around. "…Are all the access terminals for weaponry. And here…" Another switch in points. "…Are all the available outlets for your umbilical cables. You'll receive handheld versions of these schematics when you leave today. I'll expect these to be memorized by the end of the week.
"Now, pay attention now kids," She said, as the slide switched to show chibi versions of Unit 00 and 01."…Because you're going to learn everything you'll need to pilot your Eva's effectively…" the chibi Eva's began to simultaneously walk in place left and right. "…Launch effective strikes against any opponent…" a chibi version of Sachiel appeared, and both Eva's began whacking it on the head, each time causing Sachiel's eyes and tongue to bug out. "…And, hopefully, save the world…" Sachiel exploded, and in it's place a picture of the world with a smiling face on it, and an arm protruding from its side, the hand of which forming a "V" sign, along with the Eva's, also making "V" signs.
The slide clicked off, and the room lit up again.
"Any questions?"
Shinji blinked. Rei blinked. Shinji raised his hand.
"Yes?"
"What did you say your name was?" Shinji asked.
"Katsuragi," she said, smiling. "Captain Misato Katsuragi."
xxxxx
September 2nd – December 13th
Training was hard.
Every day after school, Shinji would come walk to NERV HQ; more than likely having never seen Rei over the course of the day. Sometimes, during combat drills, he got a chance to spend some time with her, but those occasions were too few and too short.
"Why are we doing this?" Shinji asked, not really needing a response from Rei, but from himself.
"Because we must," Rei replied, nonchalantly.
Shinji shook his head. "But why must we?"
Rei shrugged. "Because circumstances dictate so."
Shinji frowned. "So why are circumstances as they are?"
Rei closed her eyes. "I do not know the answer to that question."
Shinji sighed. "So, we're putting ourselves through all this for no reason?"
Rei shook her head. "There is a reason…we simply do not know of it. We must simply assume that those who do know the reason are making us do this for the right reasons."
Shinji looked at Rei. "Do you think they're the right reasons?"
Rei pondered for a moment. She had been commanded to feign ignorance, and Shinji was asking too many questions. She must put an end to his prying if all was to be well.
"Yes," she lied.
xxxxx
"No, no, no, Shinji…" Misato gave a sigh. "Let's try this again."
They were in the training bay, Shinji in his Eva, and Misato watching from the control room. Shinji was having trouble synchronizing with his Eva. Every time he gave it a command, it would make a feeble attempt at the action, no matter how small, and would shut itself down.
Misato couldn't deduce the problem. His sync ratio was high enough, and Shinji had demonstrated only his utmost cooperation in combat training, though, beneath it all, she could feel reluctance in his words and actions.
"That'll be all for today, Shinji," Misato said, fanning herself from the heat. It was mid-December, and it was still scorching. She silently damned the post-impact weather and went to meet up with Shinji before he made his way to the changing rooms.
"Shinji? Might I have a word with you?"
Shinji tensed, looking guilty. "Captain? Oh…if this is about my poor results, I promise, I'll try to improve them."
Misato shook her head. "No, but that is the subject I want to address. Shinji…I spoke with Ritsuko about this, and she agrees with it: you're putting too much strain on yourself. Anyone can see that you're not enjoying this, but you're still going ahead with it like a trooper."
Shinji blinked. "I don't get it…isn't that a good thing?"
Misato shrugged. "Normally, the answer would be yes. We may not enjoy school or work, but we still go at it as hard as we can, and we eventually start to do well. But this is a slightly different case. You see…the overall performance of the Eva depends entirely on your mental status. No matter how much concentration or strain you vest in synchronizing, if you're mind is not relaxed, it's simply not going to obey you."
Shinji sighed, his body sagging. "But I…I don't know how to relax my mind."
Misato sat there, thinking, as Shinji knocked his heel, obviously waiting to be excused. Misato sighed, taking charge of the situation.
"Ok, Shinji…here's what I'm going to do. Take this upcoming weekend off. Don't even come to NERV. Just take some downtime to get yourself together. I'll clear it with your parents; you just stop worrying about NERV for a while."
Shinji blinked. It was an attractive idea. But what good was time off by himself, if Rei was still working?
"Can…can I ask one more thing?" Shinji said.
Misato cocked her head, waiting for his question.
"Can…can pilot Ayanami have the weekend off too? I'd…I'd feel a lot better if I could spend my free time with her."
Misato blinked. That's right…she though. Those two are an item.
She smiled. "Fine. Just so long as you don't spend your time talking about NERV or Evas."
Shinji smiled. "Deal!"
xxxxx
December 15th, 2014
It was nice to be able to go to the park with Rei. It had been months since their last date, so they were enjoying the event for all it was worth.
They were both lying in the grass. Well…Rei was on the grass. Shinji was lying, more precisely, on Rei's left breast.
"Rei…" Shinji said, a little nervous. "Are we, um…a couple?"
Rei blinked. "We are two human beings, yes."
Shinji shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I mean…am I your boyfriend?"
Rei blinked again. "You are my friend, and I am convinced you are a boy."
Shinji just sighed. "Oh, man…what am I going to do with you?"
Rei tilted her head. "Why would you need to do something with me?"
Shinji just shook his head. What were the right words to try to express what it was he needed to know?
"Rei…do you…like me?"
Rei smiled. "Yes."
Shinji sighed. He should have expected that. "How much?"
Rei looked away, trying to put her thoughts into words.
"You have been an a kind and good person to me since my knowing you. You are honest, friendly, brave, and smart. There are times when I can think of no other with whom I would rather be. I think of you on a daily basis, and I defend you whenever I hear someone speak ill of you. On the whole, I would have to say my opinion of you is very high. Do this answer your question?"
Shinji smiled. "And then some."
Shinji laughed as Rei once again titled her head in confusion.
xxxxx
Sitting at that same café, the two of them sipped their drinks.
"It's been a while since our last philosophical debate. The captain said I shouldn't talk about anything NERV related, so let me think of an appropriate topic."
Rei nodded, setting her drink on the table. "How about the meaning of life?"
Shinji shook his head. "Too general."
"The legitimacy of religion?"
"Too touchy."
"The origin of man?"
"Too boring."
Rei speculated further.
Shinji's eyes lit up. "How about quotes to live by?"
Rei blinked. "Quotes?"
Shinji nodded. "Yeah, you know…Nietzsche, Einstein, Aristotle, Shakespeare, Confucius…all the great minds."
Rei tilted her head. "Example?"
Shinji shrugged. "Okay, um…'It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.'"
"Who said that?"
"No clue."
"What's it mean?"
Shinji gawked. "Oh, come on…it means that even though we may regret the loss of a loved one, the fact that we have experienced love at all is still better than never having experienced it."
"I see. Any others?"
"Hmm…how about 'That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'"
Rei shook her head. "That is not always true. Someone may become injured a certain way, and forever be weak and vulnerable in that particular area."
Shinji nodded. "You're right. Okay, then…''Life is a foreign language: Everyone mispronounces it.'"
Rei nodded again. "Impressive. A thought that is simultaneously comforting and discomforting."
Shinji smiled. "Yeah, I know."
He sipped his drink.
"'Everyone has beauty, but not everyone sees it.'"
Rei nodded. "That I also believe. Even those who seem the least likely to gain the appeal of others seem to be able to attain it."
Shinji nodded. "Like my father."
Rei was silent for a moment. Then: "'The supreme irony of life is that no one gets out of it alive.' Robert Heinlein."
Shinji smiled. "That's funny."
Rei blinked. "Is it?"
Shinji nodded. "Yeah, well, I guess that wasn't the purpose, though. Here's a funny one: 'When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.'"
Rei blinked. "I do not understand. Does it not usually state that one should make lemonade in that quote?"
Shinji sighed. "Oh boy… Humor is completely lost on you, Rei."
Rei shook her head. "Untrue. If something is funny, I would recognize it. That quote simply wasn't funny."
Shinji frowned. "Ouch."
"'Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.' That is a quote with some humor in it."
"And yet you're not laughing?"
"I don't laugh normally. Why would I now? Particularly at my own joke."
Shinji shivered. "So far, you've made some pretty morbid analogies."
Rei shrugged. "You find me morbid?"
Shinji shook his head. "Just your thoughts on life." Shinji sighed, sipping his drink. "'That which doesn't kill you postpones the inevitable."
"Now who's being morbid?"
"I was doing it on purpose."
"So was I – and yet you seemed content to call me morbid."
"That's because you've said nothing but morbid things. I, on the other hand, have inflected several different tones. Why are we even having this discussion, anyway?"
"Because you wanted to converse about philosophy."
"Well, so far, all we've managed to do is annoy me."
"See? We are making progress."
"Was that a joke?"
"Do I ever joke?"
"You seem to claim to – thought evidence would suggest otherwise."
"Are you saying I do not know how to be humorous?"
"No, I'm saying you're as dry as stuffy nose."
Rei wrinkled her nose. "I am not."
"Yes you are."
"Are not."
"Are too."
"Are not."
"Are too."
"Are not."
"…"
"…"
"Are too."
"Are not."
Shinji sighed. "Jeez…when am I going to learn?"
Rei finished her drink. "Evidence would suggest your answer being somewhere in the neighborhood of a few thousand years."
"All you're doing is proving me right."
"About what?"
"About you not being funny."
"Fine then…if I am not funny, then you are not manly."
"Uh…when did I ever claim to be manly?"
"That time outside the locker room where you were making all those funny poses in front of the mirror."
"Um…you weren't supposed to see that."
"I did."
"Well…can I ask a favor of you, and request that this little piece of information be kept secret?"
"I have no problem obliging with this request, since I have since been attempting to erase that information from my head. I am afraid I cannot, though I cannot say I haven't tried."
"Isn't that a double negative?"
"Are we now discussing grammar, Shinji?" Rei leered. "Believe me, this is not a subject with which you wish to debate with me about."
Reflecting a degree of intelligence beyond his years, Shinji, quite suddenly, fell silent.
xxxxx
February 11th, 2015
Misato was pleased with the way the children were catching on to things. In less than 6 months, the children had adapted splendidly with the training program, and were forcing her to come of with more and more complicated variations to keep them on their toes.
Since returning from his weekend off, Shinji had been steadily improving in his sync tests, and generally piloting very well.
"Alright, guys – pop quiz:" She said to them in the briefing room after training. "Name the four 'E's' of strategizing."
Rei's hand went into the air.
"Rei?"
"Examine - Extrapolate - Evaluate - Execute."
Misato smiled. "Excellent. Are you hearing this, Shinji?"
Shinji's head popped up. "Yes ma'am!"
"First step: Observe your enemy and their actions. Second step: From this data, outline what your enemy's aim is and what it is your enemy can and cannot do. Third step: Deduce effective countermeasures, first to the enemy's actions, and then to the enemy itself. And finally, be able to actually do what it is you plan to do."
Shinji nodded. "I understand, Captain…it's just that…Rei is much faster at doing this than I am. If we're ever in battle, she'll be a much more effective strategist."
Misato smiled. "Don't forget, Shinji – there may be times when you will be in battle alone."
Shinji just gulped.
"And, although you may not see this, you two make a great team. In your cooperative training Sims, I've noticed your actions with interest. Rei, indeed, does most of the planning. But you, Shinji, you I find to be much more adept at performing the actions needed. You follow orders very well, Shinji. It's not a very good leadership skill, but from what I've seen, after Rei outlines the precise actions that need to be taken place, you seem to be able to follow them with ease. The more precise and detailed the order she gives, the easier it gets for you. Am I right?"
Shinji nodded, blushing.
Misato winked at Rei. "It's a good thing you two are an item – Shinji trusts you so much, Rei, that he's willing to do anything you tell him to do."
Shinji blushed even more as Rei just stood there confused.
"Alright then, you two. You're dismissed."
The two of them left to go change.
Before Shinji had a chance to proceed to the sanctuary of the shower, Rei stopped him.
"What did the captain mean by us being an 'item?'"
Shinji scratched the back of his head. "Uh…she was, um…kinda…talking about what I was asking you that day at the park. About…you know…us being together?"
Rei furrowed her brow. "Elaborate."
Shinji bit his lip. "Well, um…because we're so close…she was implying that the two of us were…you know…romantic…and stuff."
Rei blinked. "But we are not romantic."
Shinji half laughed, halt shuddered. "You don't think? You hang out all the time – or at least, we did."
"I enjoy spending time with you."
"You let me touch you in places you don't let anyone else touch."
"True, though my physicians have also touched me in these places. With you, I simply have my trust in you."
Shinji blinked. "Oh. That's good to hear. But don't you think that trust signifies something deeper?"
"It signifies friendship."
"But don't you think that it signifies something deeper than friendship?"
Rei shook her head. "I see where this conversation is leading, Shinji. I told you before, it would be wisest to wait before initiating anything like that."
Shinji blinked. "Does it have to be all or nothing? Why can't there be some middle ground between friendship and love?"
"Friendship merely extends to higher levels, until it reaches the lowest levels of love."
Shinji raised an eyebrow. "Wow…that was the most unromantic definition of relationships that I've ever heard."
Rei nodded, turning away. "Yes. I suppose I am not…romantic…am I?"
Shinji quickly put his arms around her from behind, holding her close. "You're just fine the way you are, Rei. I'm glad you feel the way you do for me, and I feel the same way for you. I can be satisfied with that."
"But you desire more?"
Shinji nodded. "I do. But there's time."
Shinji nodded, stepping into the boy's locker room.
Rei just watched him go. "We never have time, Shinji."
xxxxx
A/N: Well, I wasn't really satisfied with this one. I was constantly looking forward to the next one after this, and I couldn't even think of an appropriate conversation topic between Shinji and Rei. Oh well…next one will be out soon.
I'm out.