A/N: This is the sequel to The Wreck of My Memories. It's another story from Hiei's POV. There is mild shounen-ai.
Disclaimer: All rights belong to Yoshihiro Togashi and Shonen Jump. No infringement intended, etc etc all that jazz. I'm poor so don't sue.
Rating is M for language.
The Voice of Your Eyes
By Terri Botta 2005
Chapter Four
I have no concrete destination in mind. I just knew that I had to get out of there or my turmoil would have consumed me and I would have lost all sense. The weather matches my mood as the storm I saw brewing earlier thunders its way over the mountains to shake the earth with its power.
How could this have happened? How could I not have known that she still lived?
No! She was dead! I know she was dead! She used the last of her strength to kill the bandits after me.
But the Jagan doesn't lie. I know what I saw when I invaded her mind.
I have to see. I have to see the grave for myself so I go in search of it. Rock slides and erosion have changed the terrain a little, but I eventually find the spot where Uma downed the trees with her lightning. From there it is easy enough to retrace the path she took when she grabbed me and tried to run away. That is one of the curses of a perfect memory- you forget nothing and no detail is ever lost.
As the clouds open up I stand before the shallow depression that was once a grave. Everything around it is dead; not even mold is growing on the lifeless trees. It is as if all of the life energy has been sucked out of the land, and that is exactly what happened. Somehow Uma had the power to draw the ki from the earth and use it to heal herself. Of course, she couldn't heal her leg because that bastard Haru had eaten it, and she still had the scars from her ordeal, but she eventually regained enough power to dig herself out and crawl home. I know it took a very long time.
I kneel down beside the hole and dig my hands into the barren dirt as the rain begins to fall more heavily. Did Itsuro know she was still alive? Did he know she had this power? Did he leave her here because he wanted me? Somehow I cannot bring myself to believe that the closest thing I ever had to a father would do such a low and despicable thing. Then again, he was a thief…
And me. I never visited her grave. If I had, would I have been able to feel her faint ki? Would I have realized that there was still life in the seemingly dead body? Would she have reached out for me? If I had known, could I have saved her?
I don't know. I never returned. I turned my back on her. Abandoned her like I was abandoned…
You were a child. You didn't know.
I never visited. Not once. I didn't even return to put flowers on her grave.
You didn't know any better. You had lost the only person who had ever loved you. To come back would have been too painful. Shutting it away was the only way you knew how to live.
I didn't come to say good-bye before I left for good after I killed Itsuro and his thieves. I never came to tell her that I had killed the bastard who ate her leg. I left her there, fighting for her life. I buried her memory and became everything she didn't want me to become.
I betrayed her. I betrayed her love. I betrayed her sacrifice…
Rage consumes me. Rage and hatred and guilt, and I take my fury out on my surroundings, slashing the dead trees with my katana and burning the fallen logs with my fire. My power is great enough that even the wet wood ignites and burns despite the rain. I rip a path of destruction along the mountainside but nothing I do seems to end this feeling of utter despair. The thunder shakes the forest and the wind howls as I throw my head back and scream.
88888888
When I come back to myself and the red haze of my rage finally fades, I am soaked to the skin and the forest around me is nothing more than a blackened landscape of smoldering dead trees. I am breathing hard and I hurt all over. My hands are bloody and bruised from all of the punches I have thrown and I am exhausted from using my fire. I refuse to lose consciousness, however. Now is not the time to hibernate.
With the death of my fury comes a new clarity. I was six months old. I was little more than an infant. There was nothing I could have done to save Uma and I would not have had the power to help her back then. It is entirely possible that she would have sucked me dry of my ki before she realized what was happening.
No, my sin was not in not realizing the truth. My sin was turning my back on all she tried to teach me. My sin was that I was too small and too weak to protect her.
Never again.
"Never again," I murmur to the smoke and the rain.
I am coming to some conclusions. Now that I know she is alive, it will only be a matter of time before someone finds out about her connection to me. Neither I nor Kurama had made our destination a secret, and everyone aboard the traveling fortress knew where we were headed. Even if I refuse to answer questions, finding the answers will be as easy as finding a lone demoness living in a run-down hut. I felt her ki. She's no match for even the lowest class of Mukuro's servants.
My position as Mukuro's heir notwithstanding, I have made many enemies who would relish the chance to hurt me by using someone I care about. This is why I have entrusted my twin to the Ningenkai and separated myself from her.
I will not allow Uma to be used in such a way. She is too weak and I will not turn my back now that I know the truth. I owe her far too much. I wasn't strong enough to protect her then, but I have made up for my weakness in spades. As long as she remains here, she will be a target. One way or another, I will take her someplace where she will be safe.
Whether she likes it or not.
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When I return to the hut it is obvious that they have been anxiously waiting for me. Kurama must have felt me approach because he opens the flimsy door before I can put my hand on it. I enter, not caring that my sodden cloak is dripping water on the floor. The leaks in the roof have wet the wooden slats already so a little more water won't make a difference.
"Hiei," Kurama says, his voice careful and concerned.
"Hn," I reply and pull off my cloak as I stare at Uma who is sitting in the same chair she had been seated in before I attacked her. She has taken off her gloves and I can see her hands for the first time. They are almost skeletal, the skin stretched tight over the bones and pocked with burn scars.
I swallow hard and do my best to steel my emotions so I can face her. I can do this. I have to do this. I faced Kurama after he betrayed me. I faced Yuusuke after he defeated me. I faced Shigure after we killed each other. I can face this woman whom I have wronged in so many ways, and whom I must now protect from those who would use her as a weapon against me.
As Kurama takes my cloak and scarf, Uma stands and moves about the hut without the aid of her staff. The wooden peg clacks loudly on the floor and each step makes me mentally wince. Now that I am here and looking at her, I am at a loss as to what to say or how to begin. No mere "I'm sorry" could ever make up for what I have done, and I'm not one to ask forgiveness anyway. I watch her as she takes my wet clothes from Kurama and hangs them on a rack by the stove so they will dry.
No one speaks and the air is tense with emotion. I clench my fists, grimacing at the pain from my injured hands. The stinging of my wounds makes me glance at Uma's scarred, skeletal fingers and burned palms, and I wonder if she still has full feeling in them.
As I am watching her with heavily guarded eyes, Kurama comes to me and touches my shoulder.
"Hiei, you're exhausted and wounded. Come sit down and let me see to your injuries," he says gently, guiding me towards the wood stove where he pushes me down to sit in a chair where the warmth from the fire will dry my clothes. Fool. Doesn't he know that I can dry them just by increasing my body heat?
I hear Uma moving close and flick my eyes up to see her hand a ceramic jar to Kurama who pulls out the cork stopper and takes a deep sniff of the contents. I recognize the scent as one of Uma's healing salves, the kind she used to rub on my numerous cuts and scrapes that I got as a child. The memory of her gentle ministrations on my minor injuries lances through me and makes my chest constrict.
"Ah, Uma-san, this is perfect. Thank you," he tells her gratefully, then reaches for my hands.
I pull them close to my body, resisting, but the stubborn fox refuses to take no for an answer.
"Hiei, let me treat your wounds," he insists.
"Don't need it," I argue, glaring at him as he grasps my wrist.
"I know, but let me do it anyway. Besides, do you really think you can challenge me with the shape you're in right now?" he replies, a small, wry smile on his lips.
I snort but relent. He is being a silly ningen again, thinking that he needs to take care of me. Sometimes I think he relishes in doting on me when I'm hurt. And why wouldn't he? It gives him a chance to touch and be close to me in a setting where I won't punch him for getting too familiar. Not that I relish punching him, but he's come to expect my rejection and I'm not willing to disappoint him.
I stare straight ahead as he treats and bandages my hands, my eyes focused on the pot of tea simmering on the stove. He finishes with the wrappings, smoothing the cloth with a gentle touch that's almost a caress, and I think I surprise him by letting him get away with it. In truth, I simply don't have the energy to fight him nor do I want to be at odds with him when I am in so much turmoil. I need to know that he'll be with me if I need him.
"There," Kurama says softly, releasing my hand. "I know you heal quickly so it should only be a few hours before those are all healed up."
"Hn," I reply, refusing to look at him.
He walks away, taking the salve with him, and I return to staring at the teapot. A soft cloth falls on my head suddenly and I jolt in surprise. I jerk around to see that Uma has placed a dry blanket across my shoulders and she is now lightly rubbing my dripping wet hair.
I swallow hard and look away guiltily.
Her touch is gentle, just as I remember it, and I feel that I at least owe her the courtesy of staying still while she performs her useless attempts to dry me. I increase my body temperature until steam begins to rise from my soaked clothes and I hear a soft snort leave her nose. She is laughing silently.
Kurama places a cup of tea in my hands and I stare into it because I cannot think of anything to say.
"We're glad you came back," the kitsune says softly. "We were concerned for you out in the storm."
"Ch," I scoff.
"Hiei. Uma told me everything. She doesn't know why you can't hear her, but she wants you to know that she doesn't blame you."
Doesn't blame me? Doesn't blame me for what? For not knowing that she was buried alive or for violating her mind with my Jagan?
"She says that she is so happy to see you. She's been following your career ever since she heard that you had become Mukuro's heir. Before that, she despaired that you had died. She stayed here after she awakened in hopes that someone would come with news of you," he continues.
Or that I would come. Ch. She's stayed here in this hovel all these years just waiting for me. I brush off the sudden rush of anger I feel and grit my teeth.
Never again.
She moves to stand in front of me and I look up at her. The open love in her eyes makes me feel… so ashamed.
"She says, 'I am so proud of you, Hiei,'" Kurama says, softening his voice. He almost sounds like Uma…
Proud? Proud of me? How can she possibly be proud of what I have become?
Her arms open and she hugs me loosely, my cheek pressed into the hollow of her solar plexus. I allow it. Her embrace is warm and familiar, and I'm too tired and heart sore to fight. Besides, if I shrug her off I might hurt her and I don't want to do that.
"She wants you to know that she loves you and she missed you so much."
Missed me? Has anyone ever missed me? Have I ever missed anyone? Missing someone means I have feelings for them. Feelings are for the weak and I cannot afford to be weak. I must be strong. I must fight for the right to live, for the right to even exist. I have never had the luxury of missing someone.
Except Kurama… I sometimes miss Kurama.
Did I miss Uma? Did Itsuro ever give me the chance to miss her? He began his lessons right away, beginning with the slap that sent me reeling when I wouldn't leave Uma's body to go with him. After that, his beatings put Uma's paltry spankings to shame. I remember huddling, cold and hungry, in his cave, refusing to cry after he had punished me for being insolent.
I cried a single tear for Uma, a blood-black jewel that fell from my eye when I was alone. I have cried only three such tainted hiruseki in my lifetime and Uma's was the first. Discovering that my tears became gems when I cried came as a shock back then but I knew enough to never allow Itsuro to know my secret. I buried my first tear gem deep in a crevasse too small for Itsuro or any of his band to crawl into. It's probably still there.
I won't cry now. In truth I don't think I'm even capable of crying anymore, but I close my eyes as her scent teases my nose. I remember this scent. They say scent is the strongest sense linked to memory, and I have to agree. Uma's smell triggers so much that I had buried deep inside myself. I remember how she cared for me and protected me, how she sheltered and nurtured me. How she wanted me when no one else did.
Bits and pieces start coming back and I sink into a well of memory that is as deep as the pain I carry inside of me.
"Oh he is dangerous. He's very dangerous. He turns me into an overprotective mother who will kill you where you stand if you even think of touching him."
"I would thank them. I would thank them for abandoning you so that you could find your way to me."
"You are strong. You are the strongest of all of us."
"I love you, Hiei. I love you, my son."
The memories come flooding out, bursting from the box I had sealed them in, and I remember everything I have tried so hard to forget. I remember her arms wrapped around me and the sound of her heartbeat in my ear. I remember the warmth of her love and the sound of her laughter. I remember the days we spent together and the nights she held me close. I remember how much I… loved her.
And just like a light shining suddenly in the darkness, she is there in my head and the place she once occupied glows warm with her presence. Her love washes over me, wrapping around me like her arms, and I feel it everywhere, blanketing me in comfort and safety. It feels like I've finally come home.
'Hiei,' I hear in my mind as clearly as if she had spoken it aloud, and I realize that the reason I couldn't hear her before was because I was blocking her out.
"Haha-ue," I whisper, my breath barely passing over my parted lips. Haha-ue. Haha-ue. Haha-ue.
Kurama, did you think I didn't understand how much you love your mother? Oh, my friend, you had no idea how much I understood. It was you who never understood what I felt whenever you spoke of her. You never knew the depth of my anguish or my loss. And you have no idea what I am feeling right now, now that I have found her again.
I am… I am… so relieved.
'My son. I missed you so much. I love you so much…'
My arms have not come around her. I did not drop the tea and send it spilling all over the floor. I am not quivering in her embrace. I do not gasp and cling to her like a lost child or press my cheek to her soft warmth. I am not reduced to a trembling boy who can do nothing but hold onto the woman who loves him for dear life.
I'll kill anyone who says otherwise.
My exhaustion catches up with me and I feel the heaviness begin to overtake my limbs. I am going into hibernation and there is little I can do to stop it because all the adrenaline is fading from my body. I raise my head to look up at her and I see her smile at me just before my eyes slide closed and I know no more.