Disclaimer: These things and people and universes and galaxies and weapons and...uhm, whatever; they don't belong to me.
A/N: They sit and they talk, as usually. Dialogue is probably the only thing I can write. Expect lots of angst and some extremely shameless fluf in this chapter. Consider yourself very, very warned. Oh, and some tears ;)
- - - - - - - -
It was the afternoon of the next day, and it was raining heavily. Qui-Gon sat silently and watched Obi-Wan go around with a hammer, nailing things down here and there, checking for any loose boards or holes in the walls. He had already cleaned the house from floor to roof (again), chopped all the available firewood, and fixed any piece of furniture that looked even remotely battered. Qui-Gon wondered what kind of job he would invent for himself next.
He could understand the boy – the man – though. The talking had been hard, it had been hard on Qui-Gon too. None of them had mentioned anything since yesterday – they stepped tentatively around each other, talked to each other extremely politely, when they couldn't avoid it ('You take the last egg.' 'No, you take it.' 'No, no, you just go ahead.' 'I'm not hungry any more, honest.' 'No, please, I insist' Such.) But pretending nothing had happened wasn't very productive, as it never was. The talk had helped, of course, but it had both brought them closer and made them more distant from each other. And the next part of the story was the most difficult one to tell, Qui-Gon figured.
The boy had grown… changed. He had come to be a fine man despite everything, Qui-Gon mused, but the feelings of immense pride and intense guilt clouded his thoughts. The things Obi-Wan had had to go through, the things he'd seen! No one should be exposed to such, especially at a such a tender age. And I had pushed him right into the snake pit, and never did anything to right the wrong. Obi-Wan would, of course, insist that his actions and decisions were his own. But he had been so young! At the age of thirteen, I saw him practically as a man grown, and expected him to act as one. And only now do I see that he had been… just a child! A child that needed care and guidance and love, not abandonment. Not only needed, but deserved! He felt he had to stay and fight for a cause not his own. I used to tell myself he had chosen. I argued he would come and seek me out if he ever regretted his decision. I was bitter, of all things, that he never did.
I thought he hated me.
How unjust I have been!
How could he go to him now and say 'I ruined your life, Obi-Wan. Sorry'? There were no words that could even begin to explain it.
The things he had to go through because I was too bloody proud to seek him out!
And yet… Obi-Wan would never admit his life was ruined. He had taken the pieces and forced them back together. He had made a man of himself, a fine, able, responsible man. And all that, after the horrors he had seen. A much older, wiser person could have become Dark, had they gone through such a hell. Obi-Wan didn't. Only once had he been on the verge, and he could never forgive himself for it now.
And that's my fault, too.
But Obi-Wan hadn't Turned. He held his life firmly in his hands. And never, ever had he been tempted by the power he could have achieved only by applying all his skills and intelligence and resources. Blast, he hadn't even wanted to advance in a rescue squad!
What a Jedi he could have been!
Obi-Wan stood at the door, obviously wanting to say something, but reluctant to interrupt the Jedi Master's thoughts.
"Yes, Obi-Wan?"
"I'll just go out and…"
"Do what? Raise a barn and churn some butter? While it's raining?"
Obi-Wan breathed out slowly, than smiled and relaxed.
"You are right. I've been doing my best to avoid talking to you, inventing things I could do. It's…"
So honest, Qui-Gon thought. Why is he so ready to admit to his own flaws?
"I know it's difficult." Qui-Gon said slowly. "But I think we need to do this, Obi-Wan."
"Yes," Obi-Wan agreed reluctantly. "Too many unsaid things, and it had gone on for too long. I hadn't known… I hadn't known I still cared, frankly." He crossed his arms on his chest. "I didn't know it all still hurt this much. But it does."
Qui-Gon nodded slowly. It did. It sure as hell did. He, too, had thought that, if he ever met his former Padawan again, he would be able to nod politely, inquire after his health, and leave. But he hadn't wanted to meet him again, not really. He had feared what Obi-Wan might have become. But, whatever he had expected, he didn't expect such a forceful, painfully honest, kindhearted person with a face of a man and eyes of a boy. But, after all, that's what Obi-Wan had always been.
Obi-Wan popped down on the floor, facing Qui-Gon. He adopted the traditional Jedi position, seemingly without thought. Is he trying to humor me?, Qui-Gon wondered.
"Why don't you take a chair, Obi-Wan?" he asked mildly.
Look of defiance crossed the young man's face, but he regained the control over his features instantly.
"I always sit like this," he said quietly. "Just an old habit. I can take a chair, if you like."
He assumes I disapprove of the way he sits? Because the Jedi sit so? Oh, Force help me and guide me, what can I say to him? Why does he always seem to be expecting some kind of judgment from me? I do anything but judge him. I never did. How can we keep misunderstanding each other so, in all things?
Obi-Wan started to rise, but Qui-Gon stopped him with a gesture.
"No, no. You can sit any way you like, as far as I'm concerned, for Force's sake."
"I didn't mean to…" Obi-Wan began miserably, and trailed off.
Why did the hard, able man Qui-Gon had seen in the dungeons keep turning into this vulnerable knot of emotions as soon as Qui-Gon said a word? Qui-Gon suddenly longed to rush to him, to hold him, comfort him, if he could. But – did he have the right to? I squandered that right long ago. How would Obi-Wan react? Wouldn't accept it, most probably. He might get offended. He… Qui-Gon closed his eyes for a second. No, the time wasn't ripe for that yet, and he had no idea if it ever would be. How can I make amends for all the wrong I have done?
"Obi-Wan…" he began. "Anything I say seems to throw you off balance. I don't know how to conduct myself."
"Same here," Obi-Wan replied, and gave him a tentative smile. Qui-Gon couldn't help but be happy for any small smile he succeeded to extract from his former apprentice. "Only, you are more difficult to read, Qui-Gon. Well, I suppose we can't do anything about that now. I'll just continue the story, shall I? But, know what? I'd like to hear your own story. One day. When you feel up to it."
Qui-Gon nodded, and motioned the boy to proceed. He didn't trust himself to speak.
"You wanted to hear how I came to find about your captivity, and all. Well, to start from the beginning, I was on Alderaan at the time, and I heard some Jedi were coming to inspect something. Garen and Clee Rhara, to be more precise. Well, you know I used to be friends with Garen, and… Honestly, I didn't think I could tackle meeting up with him again, but I wanted at least to see him, you know. So I mixed with the passers-by on the street and watched him. He noticed me almost at once. I had underestimated him, I guess. Well, I had had no idea how he would react, but he grinned like a madman and rushed to me, hugged me. We talked. It all went much better than I had imagined. Almost like the old days. He didn't know my story and all, though, and I didn't have the courage to tell him. He didn't know me at all, not really, but he acted like… like nothing was changed. He is too trusting, I guess."
"His trust wasn't misplaced, Obi-Wan."
His former Padawan shot him a grateful look.
"Maybe so. Anyway, I'm digressing. All in all, he was the one who told me about your disappearance. The Temple organized the search for you, obviously, but they found nothing in the end. Tahl and Bant seem to have been the most successful ones, but they finally lost your trail in Oriba Leeh System. There wasn't much hope left that you were alive, Garen had said.
"The news… hit me. Very violently. I… this is difficult, Qui-Gon. I can't quite explain it, either. I mean, I had left you, what, almost seven years before, because I wanted to help the young. Well, you know that. But it was long time ago, and I had thought it all very much in the past. But when I heard the news...The mere possibility of you, lying somewhere, hurt or worse… It filled me with such dread that…" Obi-Wan did his best to shake it off. "Well, I pretty much jumped up and ran out of the cantina we were sitting in. Had to take a walk, clear my head. I don't know what I was feeling exactly – pretty much everything, I guess. But after some ten minutes I walked back in and found out all I could from Garen. About your last known whereabouts and such. And – 'You are going after him, aren't you, Obi?', he said, and I went 'Yes, I have to.' 'Many have tried,' Garen said, and I knew he meant something on the lines with 'if so many Jedi have failed, why would you do any better?'. But I told him it wasn't in question at all, and that I'd already decided. So he just nodded, and said he understood, but he hated to leave me with a false hope. But, you see, Qui-Gon, I don't think any hope is false, and I had learned that as long as the opposite hasn't been proved, there is always hope."
"You are, after all, on the 'Hopeless Squad'." Qui-Gon smiled.
"Exactly. So I parted with Garen. That night I had a vision – well, a dream, I guess, but at the time I decided to take it as a sign, because it suited me."
"What kind of dream?"
"There was this room – very claustrophobic, very shiny. All made out of polished silvery metal. I couldn't see the source of light, but it was horribly bright – the reflections and all – and it hurt my eyes in the dream. I thought I'd lose my sight. And… you were there."
"Calaharr," Qui-Gon muttered. "The Force is with you, Obi-Wan."
"You mean a place like that exists?"
"I was held there for a time."
Obi-Wan took a deep breath, calmed himself.
"Well, then. A vision it was. Anyway, at first I thought I'd rely on the dream, search for a place like that. But than I decided I needed to go about this rationally, analytically. A dream was no place to start. So I went back to Tatooine. To Mos Eisly. It's always a good place to start if you are searching for someone."
"You went back there?"
"It was… It wasn't easy. I needed some help, though. I may be good at hacking, but one man alone can do little, and there wasn't much time. So I hired a team – the worst Galactic scum and villainy, you might say." He grinned. "Some of them had binary brains, though; others are so experienced that they don't need them. We scanned the data meticulously, and it was slow, but I didn't see a better way."
"You mean you started the search by hacking into databases and searching them?" Qui-Gon said in disbelief.
"Not very ethical, is it? Well, I went about this my own way, I'm afraid."
"It's not what I meant! It just seems like an endless process, the sheer enormity of the possibilities…"
"Well, that's why I formed my team, isn't it?"
"How did you know where to start at all?"
Obi-Wan grinned.
"I followed my intuition, of course."
Qui-Gon couldn't suppress the admiration that grew in his heart.
"But Tahl would have certainly searched…"
"She did," Obi-Wan cut him off. "But, however resourceful she is, and I know that she is, Jedi aren't trained for hacking, you know."
"Perhaps they should be," Qui-Gon said slowly. "Perhaps they should be."
"Anyway, it took me whole three months of constant work to find what I needed, and all that time the dread was nagging at me. You could have died in the meantime."
"But you never lost hope?"
"I couldn't afford to. So – I found the data I needed, repaired my ship, and was on my way. The journey was quite uneventful, thankfully. I finally got there and – well, the rest you know."
"Not really, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said mildly. He watched the young man, saw the determination shine in his eyes, and knew that perhaps no one else would be capable of doing what Obi-Wan had done. But why did he? What have I ever done to deserve him? "Not really."
Obi-Wan inclined his head to one side.
"Is this really necessary?"
Qui-Gon's emotions rushed upwards, threatened to take over, but he, grabbed them firmly, then released them to the Force.
"Please," he said softly. "I need to know your heart, your thoughts. Please?"
Obi-Wan nodded slowly.
"I understand." He paused. "Look. During all those years, I had pretty much no idea what I felt regarding you and… and what had happened between us. Well – take Melida/Daan, I suppose. I regretted my decision – not for long, but I did. But I also felt very much lonely and – abandoned, I suppose, although it was very irrational. But I knew one thing – there was no turning back. I had to find my own way.
Qui-Gon started to say something, but the young man gestured him to be silent, and continued.
"I was bitter for a time – bitter, angry, I don't know… But I knew it was wrong to dwell on that. Those were petty emotions, and I… got over it, with time, I suppose. I tried very much not to think of you, or the Temple, or anything… I tried to pretend nothing of it ever happened. Not the best policy in the world, but that was the only thing I could do. I wouldn't allow myself to… miss it, you know. I had to fend for myself and had to harden myself in order to survive."
Qui-Gon's heart wrenched, but he kept silent, hoping to hear just a trail of possible forgiveness in the words of his former Padawan. But he didn't have the right to expect that, did he?
"Basically," Obi-Wan continued, striving to keep his voice even, but not quite succeeding, "From time to time I indulged in fantasies of – well…" He averted his eyes, his lips twisting. "That you'd find me, come for me, take me away from it all. It's…" He still didn't look at Qui-Gon. "Just wild fantasies, of course. I knew I didn't have the right to even dream about it, after what I did, but I did nevertheless. From time to time. It's…"
"Oh, Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon was unable to contain himself any longer. "You had every right to it! How can you think this, after all I did to you?"
"After all you did to me?" Obi-Wan raised his eyes in disbelief. "I was the one who broke your trust. You had given me your trust, and I just… cast it all away!" He sounds like a disorientated child, Qui-Gon thought. He reached out and took both Obi-Wan's hands in his own. They were limp.
"Obi-Wan," he said firmly. "If you want to find a guilty party for what had happened, it's me. Not you! I abandoned you on a planet in the middle of a civil war; I left! Don't tell me you have been blaming yourself all this time!"
Obi-Wan held onto his hands as if he was drowning.
"No!" he said forcefully. "Don't give me that crap, because it's plainly not true!" He looked down, and Qui-Gon sensed him reach out for the Force, searching for his calm. His own emotions choked Qui-Gon. He saw so much guilt, so much remorse in the eyes of his former Padawan. Did you really think it was you?
Obi-Wan raised his gaze, obviously calmed now, and met Qui-Gon's eyes squarely, boldly.
"Let's face the facts, Qui-Gon" he said firmly. "We were on that planet together. We were supposed to leave. I decided to stay. It was me who left you. Left the Path, everything. I disregarded everything you ever did for me. I drew my bloody lightsaber at you, Qui-Gon!"
"Yes," Qui-Gon said softly. "And than you put it down. And I turned around and left you, never to return to you. I was supposed to protect you, to keep you safe. I did what no Jedi Master should ever do to his Padawan. I abandoned you. I never even checked up on you. When you sent your plea for help, Yoda begged me to go myself. I refused."
Obi-Wan's eyes were filled with incredulity.
"What else could you have done?"
"I could have thought of anyone but myself. I could have thought of you. I was hurt, yes, very much so, but only because I never tried to understand your actions, Obi-Wan. I should have seen it as a boyish passion, not a… 'betrayal' of my precious self."
"But it was a betrayal!"
"No, Obi-Wan. What I did was."
"Well, I don't see it that way!"
They looked defiantly at each other for a moment, but then Obi-Wan sagged and let go of Qui-Gon's hands. That's it, Qui-Gon thought miserably. He sees it finally. He has every right in the world not to ever want to see me again. I'd understand. But can I bear it? He felt his eyes fill with tears. I'm so sorry, Padawan. If I could only make you see it!
When Obi-Wan looked up again, Qui-Gon saw he was crying too. His eyes were unusually clear, though.
"Shall we conclude this, then, and say we betrayed each other?" the young man said plainly.
Qui-Gon felt a tear roll down his cheek, but in Obi-Wan's eyes he read no bitterness, just… a plea? A hope? Obi-Wan reached and touched his knee lightly.
Qui-Gon simply nodded, not trusting himself to speak.
"You would forgive me, then?" Obi-Wan said with a sad smile. "For my part?"
"Oh, Obi-Wan! I had forgiven you long ago, if there was anything to forgive!"
The boy looked at him earnestly.
"I had forgiven you too," he echoed. "If there was anything to forgive. Long ago. I just… didn't know I did, I think."
Qui-Gon moved forward and removed a stray lock of hair from Obi-Wan's forehead.
"I should have sought you out long ago, Obi-Wan. I shouldn't have let this much time pass."
"We shouldn't have," Obi-Wan agreed.
"It's just… I didn't think you'd want to see me, ever again. Or that was what I used to tell myself. "
Obi-Wan looked at him strangely.
"Did you think I had turned to the dark side, Qui-Gon?" he asked softly.
How can I say yes, now? And yet, he doesn't deserve to be lied to.
"Sometimes," Qui-Gon admitted slowly. It hurt to say it aloud, it hurt to even think it, now. How could he have been so blind? Didn't he know Obi-Wan's heart? "Sometimes, I did. I feared it, Obi-Wan. And I asked myself that question very often. At midnight I would get a different answer than at noon."
Obi-Wan gave him a small smile.
"You have your answer now, I guess."
"Yes. Yes, I do! Oh, Obi-Wan, if only I had sought you out earlier…!"
"You yourself said I was impossible to track."
"You have just showed me no one is impossible to track if you just want it enough."
Obi-Wan's smile was wider now.
"Yeah, but don't forget it was me who was covering the tracks this time."
The young people's ability to heal is sometimes quite unbelievable, Qui-Gon thought. Or has he just buried his feelings deeper, so that I can't see them?. I know now he wants to avoid hurting me at any cost.
As if he had read his thought, Obi-Wan reached for Qui-Gon's hand and gave it a quick squeeze.
"Look, Qui-Gon… I don't want to dwell on could-have-been's and should-have-done's. No use in that, is there? It's in the past. We both made mistakes; we were both stubborn and proud and pretty much stupid, as I see it. No offence meant, of course."
"None taken, my boy. And you are, of course, right."
You deserved so much more love than I had ever been able to show you, Padawan, Qui-Gon thought sadly. And yet… Perhaps it's not too late. Tahl would say it's never too late for love.
"So, perhaps… But, are you tired, Qui-Gon? Do you want to rest now?"
"No, not yet. There will be plenty of time for that."
They both fell silent.
"Will you continue your story, Obi-Wan? I think it needs to be told."
Obi-Wan nodded, gathering his thoughts.
"As I said," he began slowly, "I hadn't been sure what I felt about you at the time. But when I heard of your disappearance, it suddenly didn't matter how I felt and what I thought. The thought… the thought you might die overpowered everything else. I'm not overly emotional or sensitive, Qui-Gon…" He trailed off for a moment.
But you are! How can you not see it?
"But that thought. I… I. Couldn't. Bear it. So I started doing things, taking action, as I always do when thinking gets too painful. It worked. I was so occupied with the job I had assigned myself, that I barely had time or energy for anything else. And yet, once I was in the ship, steering towards the Outer Rim and Ataria, there wasn't much to do. I knew you were alive, and I knew I could get you out. The rescuing itself wasn't all that difficult to plan. It was a classical 'diversion-break in–get out' action for a one-man-band like myself. It might have been almost a routine…"
"But?"
"There is always a 'but', isn't there? I fretted about the condition I might find you in. I also fretted… about your reaction. I thought I was probably the last person in the world you would want to see, even though I was coming to rescue you. I thought…" He trailed off.
"Obi-Wan! There is no person in the world I would have rather seen at that door!" And I even know it now, for change.
Obi-Wan's eyes filled with tears, but he smiled.
"Thank you. Now I see I was horribly unfair to you."
"We had both been unfair. But, as you said, it is now in the past."
"Yes. Yes, it's so. So – I tried to suppress the thoughts, and yet they haunted me. I imagined every possible way it could go wrong. I thought what I would do if you refused to go with me, if you… Yes, it was very irrational, but I couldn't help it. So, when I got there, I buried my emotions – all of them – deep, deep down. I couldn't let them interfere with the mission. I had planned it all precisely – every second of it – and I couldn't afford to get distracted by anything. I did the routine work. Created the destruction, spiked the alarm system, broke in. A pure classic. But when I got to your door, I was… It was like a fog. I get the feeling I was horribly harsh to you back there – I'm really sorry. But there wasn't time! And if I had let even one of my emotions surface, they would have all poured out at once. We'd have been lost. I couldn't have let that happen. So – I was the way I was. I probably seemed very hard, very cold. But it was all I could do not to burst into tears when I saw you."
My Padawan, how could I have misjudged you so sorely?
Qui-Gon stood up, moved to Obi-Wan's side and sat down beside him, putting an arm around the young man. Obi-Wan stiffened.
"You don't need to comfort me, I'm all right."
Qui-Gon's heart wrenched painfully.
"Perhaps I'm the one who needs the comfort," he said quietly. "Do you mind?"
Obi-Wan relaxed against him, then inclined his head to look at Qui-Gon's face.
"Of course not. I… thanks."
Qui-Gon ruffled his hair. He seems so young!
Obi-Wan put his head on Qui-Gon's shoulder and continued with his story, but now he seemed much more at peace.
"You see… I had to keep it all in. So I tried to view it all as a routine mission, refused to think, and – well, just did the job that was in front of me, I suppose. Got you out. Got you to the ship. Escaped.
"My previous plan was to – you know, pick you up, get you to Coruscant, drop you there - and leave. Without explanations or anything. I didn't think you'd want anything to do with me, basically."
Qui-Gon was bewildered.
"What, after you'd saved my life?" How much I must have hurt the boy in the past, if he thought I wouldn't want to see him! "Whatever you thought of me at the time, didn't you think I'd at least be grateful?"
"Well… yes. But grateful like you would be to any stranger that had saved you. I… I didn't think I could deal with that."
Oh, Obi-Wan!
But the boy continued before the Jedi could say anything.
"Anyway, that was the original plan. But I saw the condition you were in – I won't dwell on that. I had been prepared to find you hurt, but… You see, when you lay there in the cabin, and I checked on you with the Force, I saw you hang onto life by a mere thread. I was so afraid you might die, after I had finally found you again! I didn't think you could survive any more travel through the hyperspace, so I exited at once. So – I did the best I could. I've never been any good at healing, but I knew you needed to eat, for one. You didn't want to, you know. I made you. I had to."
"You were… very decisive about that." Qui-Gon smiled.
"But I had to! I'm sor…"
"Obi-Wan. Can you please skip over apologizing because you fed me when I was starved?"
"It does sound a bit off when you put it like that." Qui-Gon couldn't see his face, but he heard a grin in the young man's voice. "Anyway, I found this planet, tracked down a healer, and - pretty much collapsed on the spot."
They sat so for a time, leaning on each other, silent. Obi-Wan's head lay on the shoulder of his former Master, finally at peace. He had been wrong, of course. Perhaps he hadn't wanted the comfort, but how he needed it! And how he needed Qui-Gon! He had needed him all this time, he could just never admit that to himself.
A small, cynical part of himself thought: Do I, after all these years of fending for myself, still need someone to pat me on the head and say 'you did well'? But the other, wiser part of him responded: Doesn't everyone?
"I had missed you so," Obi-Wan whispered.
Qui-Gon didn't respond. Oh well. Obi-Wan couldn't expect the man to feel quite the same way, although he had forgiven him. Their lives, their perceptions of the world were - different; Qui-Gon was a loner, had always been. Obi-Wan had earned his respect, ant that should be enough. He had seen that respect clearly in the Jedi's eyes. I think I can love him without the need to be loved back, Obi-Wan thought. For he loved the man. He had all the while, he just hadn't… realized.
"You know, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said softy. "Tahl told me a story once. About a certain planet. Their technology is backwards, true, but only because they had invested all their creative energy into art. Making wonderful things out of glass. These things are beautiful and priceless, as you can imagine, and they take a great care of them. Some of the artifacts get broken from time to time, though. It cannot be avoided." The Jedi paused.
I'm not broken, Obi-Wan thought. I know you never wanted any of those things to happen between us. I know you did your best, and so did I, and I think you know it. They happened, though, and there is no going back, as you say. Yet, I'm not broken, Qui-Gon.
"They don't throw the shards away, though," the Jedi continued. "They collect them carefully, and make new things out of them, beautiful things. And those new artifacts they value much, much more." He paused again. "Tahl told me this after I had… after you and I had left each other. I knew her intentions were nicest possible, but at the time I had thought it just a pretty story. I don't think so any more."
He means our friendship, Obi-Wan realized, not me. He could just nod.
"I'm so glad I found you again, Qui-Gon."
"I'm glad you did. I'm glad I can sit with you this way, my young… Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan heard the unsaid, though. My young Padawan.
We can't have that back, ever. But there are other things. He detached himself from Qui-Gon, to look into his former Master's face. He saw peace there. Respect. Even… fondness.
"Perhaps I wish things had turned out differently, sometimes" Obi-Wan said slowly. "But I'm glad for what I have."
"I… don't think I had been ready to be your Master at the time," Qui-Gon responded. "You deserved so much more."
What?
"Now, that's utter cra… That's not true, Qui-Gon!" Obi-Wan was bewildered. You were the best Master one could ever have!
"You did, though, Obi-Wan, whatever you might think. You deserved more care, appreciation, love than I could give you."
"You can deserve appreciation, perhaps," Obi-Wan replied before he could stop himself. "Or respect. But love you can't deserve. You either get it or you don't. But there is no way to deserve it. That much I've come to understand."
He saw his former Master's face wrench in pain, his eyes growing wider. Obi-Wan very much wanted to slap himself for speaking up.
"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon managed hoarsely. "I thought you… Don't you know…?" He gathered himself somewhat. "I love you, Obi-Wan. I thought you, blast, I thought you knew that much."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes.
"You don't have to say that."
"Obi-Wan, look at me. That's it." He paused for a moment. "I love you. Do you think I would lie about this? I love you, boy."
Obi-Wan just nodded numbly, feeling his eyes fill with tears.
"I love you too," he managed. "But you already know that."
He hugged Qui-Gon then, to hide his tears in the man's shoulder. Qui-Gon held him tightly.
"Oh, Obi-Wan…" the man said softly. "I never said as much, have I? But you were such a smart kid. I thought you knew."
Obi-Wan just shook his head into Qui-Gon's shoulder, and clutched onto him.
"My boy," Qui-Gon whispered, stroking him gently on the hair.
Obi-Wan detached himself from his former Master after a time.
"Thanks," he said earnestly, looking him in the eyes.
Qui-Gon touched him on the cheek.
"Don't." the Jedi said softly. "Some things you've said… I get the feeling you have a completely warped image of yourself, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan was a bit startled at this sudden change of topic.
"Warped? I thing I know my strengths and weaknesses pretty well. I know exactly what I can or cannot do."
"It's not about what you can do. It's about your perception of yourself."
"I'm not sure I know what you mean, Qui-Gon. I am what I can do, for one. And I think I know exactly what I am."
"What, then, do you think you are?"
Obi-Wan frowned. It was difficult to sum oneself up in a bare sentence.
"Well," he said hesitantly, "I've done some bad things in my life. But I'm not bad. I have some good traits too. And I have my ethical code." He shrugged. "But I'm a scoundrel, basically."
He strived to interpret somehow the look in his former Master's eyes, but he couldn't.
"Perhaps you are," Qui-Gon said softly. "A scoundrel… with a heart of a true Jedi."
Qui-Gon watched the emotions fly over the face of his former Padawan, as the boy stared at him, not speaking. Oh, come on, Obi-Wan! How can you think yourself so… unworthy? Don't you really realize what a precious person you still are, despite the life you've had? Even more, now!
But Obi-Wan had always thought he was not good enough. When his former Padawan was a child, Qui-Gon thought his eagerness to please quite charming, and interpreted it as boyish ambition. Now he saw the truth. But hadn't the young man ever stopped to wonder how anyone else would have reacted in any of the situations he'd faced? How many would have stayed so sincere and warm and brave? So true to themselves? Hadn't he ever stopped to wonder why all those men on his squad – hard, tough, experienced man, each one probably years older than Obi-Wan himself – followed him so willingly?
Oh, Padawan…
You are so thoroughly aware of all your faults, and yet you are so stubborn in failing to see your own worth.
"Look, Qui-Gon," the young man addressed him calmly, having gathered himself. "I know you are trying to be kind to me, but you really shouldn't…"
A look from Qui-Gon stopped in mid-sentence.
"Padawan," the Jedi said sternly.
Obi-Wan sent him a bewildered look.
Uh-oh. A misstep. Best to ignore it for now.
"When have I ever lied to you, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan was silent.
"Answer me."
"Never. You never did."
"Why do you think I'd do it now?"
"But…"
"Answer."
"I don't think you are lying to me."
"What then? Obi-Wan?"
The young man took a deep breath, reached for the Force, steadied himself.
"I don't mean to be disrespectful, Qui-Gon, but I really think you are jumping to conclusions this time. You don't know me, not really. We've talked a lot in these two days, sure, but do you really think that's enough? To form a judgment about someone? An unbiased judgment?"
What had I done to the boy to cause this kind of insecurity in the man?
"I'm not here to judge you, Obi-Wan," he said mildly. "No one has the right to. But perhaps I need to point out some things to you, things about yourself you obviously don't see."
"And what makes you think you know more about myself than I do?" Obi-Wan asked softly, but Qui-Gon could tell he was restraining himself.
"You are forgetting, Obi-Wan, that I do not use my eyes only to see. The Force tells us more about people than they themselves know, even."
"Right. So how comes…" Obi-Wan stopped himself, obviously, but Qui-Gon had guessed his thought.
"It's true I couldn't read you clearly before. My own emotions clouded my sight, perhaps, as did the illness. But the things that should have been said long time ago are finally said now. I am at peace with myself, like I haven't been for years. As, I sense, are you. When I first saw you after so many years, I sensed your living Force – it was dismayed, as were you, although you didn't look it. I could feel there was a lot of pent up emotion, but I could only guess about its nature. But now, Obi-Wan…" The Jedi paused. "Now I can see your heart."
The defiance had leaked out of the young man's face as the Jedi spoke. Now he just sat there patiently, as if waiting for the verdict.
Oh, Obi-Wan!
"And what I see is that it's pure, warm, loving. Sincere. You have become a strong, tough, efficient man, Obi-Wan, that's true. But you are also just, compassionate, and very kindhearted. You have stayed so, despite all the horrors you have been through. And I can't begin to tell you how proud you have made me.
"As for your rescue of me – no, Obi-Wan, don't say anything. I want to tell you that no, it wasn't a common thing to do, and no, you didn't just do your duty, and no, not everyone would have done the same. That's just it. It was an exceptional thing to do.
"Keep silent, Obi-Wan, I'm not finished. What I also want to point out is the completely inexplicable amount of… innocence you have preserved, despite all the darkness you've been through. No, don't deny it. I'm aware that you probably have a cynical thought here and there, that you consider yourself a hard-core realist, and that you can get very angry. It's got nothing to do with the innocence at your core. That you have retained. And for that, you have my admiration."
Obi-Wan just stared at him.
"Oh, hell," the boy whispered, dumbfounded. "You really mean all that, don't you?"
A/N: It was my shameless ode to Obi-Wan and his immense greatness, so there :) Couldn't resist.
This is almost the end. There is one short chapter to go, but I felt it was better to upload it at once than keep you waiting, hoping for another long, fluffy chapter – and then get only epilogue. Wouldn't be really fair, would it now?
Oh, BTW, if someone's interested, I've passed that exam (the one I didn't revise for enough because I had to write JA fanfiction, shame on me). So – when you are out there one day and have to revise like hell, just remember the recipe: fanfiction solves it all.