Just for you, Jenny...just for you...
The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles
Episode 5
The birds chattered in the trees, the squirrels were busy hiding their nuts, and the sun was shining brightly. Peace, beauty and serenity abounded in the forests of Konoha. The only thing that broke the silence was a slight rustling from the vicinity of a rather large gooseberry bush. A muffled voice was suddenly heard.
"Hehehehe... boobies..."
Yes, Kakashi-sensei was doing what he did best on a beautiful day such as this; namely, getting off to Jiraiya's latest installment of Icha Icha Paradise: Kunoichis Gone Wild. Needless to say, this latest version was enough to give even the most stout-hearted of perverts a fatal nosebleed; so, naturally, Kakashi's cheeks were tinted a slightly more pinkish-red than usual.
Suddenly, for "no apparent reason" (translation: "a very badly concealed plot-device"), Iruka-sensei stumbled into the woods, tripped on a root, and fell directly into the gooseberry bush and onto Kakashi's lap. The fact that he was a ninja and had more coordination than the finest Olympic gymnast was of no consequence. Logic, it seems, had a hangover, and when the alarm clock went off that morning she had promptly thrown it violently at the wall with a muttered, "Aw, fuck it..."
With a quick apology, Iruka picked himself up and dusted off his Chunnin jacket. As he turned to leave, as he had no clue what he was doing here in the first place, Kakashi was "struck with an irrational, illogical and out of character desire of whimsy" (translation: "forced to do something by a fan-fiction writer with an extremely hentai mind"). Before Iruka had a chance to go too far, Kakashi reached out a gloved hand to take a grab at his ass.
Before Kakashi made contact with the firm deliciousness of Iruka's derriere, the Chunnin "leapt out of the way and into a nearby tree" (translation: "was saved by Baka-Sensei's healthy wish to not be murdered by her older sister for allowing anyone to touch HER Iruka-sensei"). With a glare that would have stopped Michael Jackson in his tracks if Iruka happened to be an under-aged boy, he growled threateningly at Kakashi.
"Would you mind telling me just what it was you were trying to accomplish?" Iruka asked.
"Uhh...I was gonna grab your boo-tay," Kakashi admitted quietly. Iruka sighed.
"That really doesn't make any sense," Iruka began, using his best "teacher" tone of voice (you know, the one he uses whenever he lectures Naruto on being stupid...which basically means the tone of voice he uses whenever he interacts with Naruto).
"First of all, you're a freakin' hentai who is obsessed with Jiraiya's books," Iruka continued. "This IS Jiraiya we're talkin' about, so those books are full of nothing but grossly detailed descriptions of boobs, titties and their various uses in sexual acts."
"Hey!" Kakashi interjected, somewhat offended. "It's not ALL boobs and titties! There IS the occasional midget, horse and..."
"AND FURTHURMORE," Iruka cut him off before his ears lost more of their virginity, "you have no real reason to be attracted to me. I mean, we barely interact. Think about it. You're a quirky, insane, elite Jounin who spends his time reading perverted books when he's not doing assassinations or teaching his Genin team, and I'm a lovable, caring Chunnin whose behavior would make the Pope proud, and I spend my time mentoring troubled children. The only thing we have in common is we've both taught Naruto, and quite frankly, that isn't enough to build any sort of relationship on. I could count the number of times we've interacted on one hand. And since when are you gay? And just because I happen to be sensitive and don't have any kick-ass-super-moves-of-death doesn't mean I'm a homosexual."
Struck dumb by the sense in Iruka's speech Kakashi stared back mutely for a moment before finally asking,
"Yeah, but are you?"
"That's not the point!" Iruka shouted at him. "I'm trying to say that there's no fucking logical way that we would ever get together!" Kakashi pondered this for a moment.
"Dear God, you're right," he said after a while, his visible eye widening. "I don't know what came over me..."
"Don't worry about it," Iruka said. "Just don't let it happen again." And with that, he took off humming. He was going to go grade some papers, volunteer at the hospital, start a homeless shelter, and generally spread love, joy and smiles all about the village.
Kakashi grunted in awe as he went back to his novel. That Iruka suuuurreee had a fine ass...
Owari
P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura died while going under anesthesia for her breast-augmentation surgery. Apparently, someone had mixed up the knock-out drugs with a vile of cyanide. The anesthesia was sent to reviewer blackman, with a note that read, "Here, man. Take this. It might help you chill out."