Sorry this took so long to get up... My account was frozen for a while...friggen nazis...

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Kristin, who put up with my defiling of Kakashi... Don't worry Kristin, he's still delicious! Erm, I mean, even though he's COMPLETELY yours...please don't hurt me! I swear I didn't look at him for long!

Anyway, there are all those cosmetic-wearin' evil villains, but I always had a hard time imagining evil villains actually putting ON said cosmetics...so I tried to picture it...

The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 6

Cold sweat beaded on his pale brow. This was a very delicate situation. One slip, and all would be lost. In all of Orochimaru's life of evilness, this particular activity always required his utmost concentration. His impeccably plucked eyebrows knit together as his impeccably lined eyes narrowed.

Suddenly, the loud noise of a door slamming open broke his concentration. He snapped his eyes over to the doorway where Kabuto stood proudly, holding up his bounty for all to see in two brightly colored plastic bags.

"I've got the goods, ladies… erm, I mean, guys!" he proclaimed proudly. Orochimaru snapped.

"Dear GOD, Kabuto! How many times have I told you not to enter a room in such a loud fashion! Just LOOK at what you made me do!"

Kabuto looked a little closer at his evil master. He was sprawled on the floor, his glowing raven hair braided neatly down his back, dressed in a maniacally diabolical purple nighty of doom. He had been painting his impeccably groomed nails with hypnotic death lilac #4 nail-polish; only because of Kabuto's noisy entrance, the nail-polish had been jaggedly applied below the impeccably buffed cuticle. Kabuto grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry, Orochimaru-sama!" he apologized. "It's just I get so excited when we have these slumber parties… erm, I mean, evil planning sessions of destruction! Anyway, I got the movies you asked for, and some extra eye-liner!"

"Ooooo! Gimme, gimme!" Haku squealed, snatching said cosmetic from Kabuto and rushing back to the bathroom where he had been showing Kankuro how to pluck his nose-hairs earlier. He promptly popped open the eye-liner and leaned closer to the puppet-master's face.

"See, Kankuro? This color matches your eyes SO much better! Let me show you how to apply it so it looks more menacing!" Haku exclaimed happily as he began to draw fresh war-lines onto Kankuro's face.

Itatchi sighed from where Kisame was helping him paint his toe nails.

"What movie did you get, again?" he asked.

"Hmm… I got Crossroads. It was half-off at Goosberry Bush Blockbuster!" Kabuto replied. Kisame grunted and mumbled under his breath.

"I still think we shoulda got Jaws."

"Oh, what's with the long face, silly-billy? I got you your favorite snack!" Kabuto sympathized. With a squeal of joy, Kisame hopped up and grabbed the Goldfish crackers from Kabuto's outstretched hand.

"Besides," Orochimaru said, "I haven't seen this movie yet. I've been waiting to get a few tips in torture techniques from the all-powerful queen of doom! Britney is soooo awesome!"

Haku giggled from the bathroom.

"Not as awesome as someone else is!" he chimed in a sing-song voice.

"Who?" Kankuro asked after he gracefully poked himself in the eye with the eyeliner.

"Didn't you know? Orochimaru-sama has an infatuation!"

"Ewww… he should go outside then!"

"NO, you fucking moron!" Itatchi exclaimed. "It means he likes someone."

"Oh…" Kankuro mumbled ashamedly. Kisame grunted around his mouthful of crackers, an unintelligible guttural sound that was a sad attempt at speech.

"Swallow, baka," Itatchi sighed. Kisame gulped.

"Who does Orochimaru-sama like?" he asked, then promptly stuffed his mouth with crackers again.

"Sasu…" Haku started.

"SHUT UP!" Orochimaru interrupted.

"Oh, come on! It's already obvious," Haku whined.

"Yeah, we won't tell anyone, we swear!" Kankuro offered.

"You guys have to PROMISE," Orochimaru said finally. "On pain of death and exile from the evil-doers club, you will not tell anyone!"

"Oy-yay, oy-yay!" they all agreed. Orochimaru mumbled.

"What?" asked Itatchi. He mumbled again.

"Huh?" Kankuro asked.

"SASUKE-KUN, OKAY!?" Orochimaru promptly shoved his head under a pillow in shame.

"Awwwww!" Haku exclaimed. "He's blushing!"

"I think I'm a little disturbed," Itatchi said. "Sasuke is my brother after all… but I guess since you're such a great guy, Orochi, I'll share him with ya. He's already a little too obsessed with me for his own good. It can't be healthy."

"I think it's a match made in hell!" Kankuro exclaimed. Kabuto promptly began to sob.

"I thought you loved ME, Orochimaru-sama?!" he wailed.

"Oh, shut up, all of you!" Orochimaru mumbled from under the pillow. "Bother Haku about Zabuza for once!"

"He DOES have a beautiful body!" Haku beamed.

"And that's the only reason I want Sasuke!" Orochimaru sputtered in an attempt to regain some of his dignity. Reluctantly he finally showed his face again. He had street cred and a rep to maintain, after all. "For his body!"

"Suuuuurrrreeee," Kisame said. "He's only 13, man, how great of a body can he have?"

"You'd be surprised…" Kankuro mumbled with a smirk.

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura was mauled to death by a lawn gnome. When approached for comment, the gnome replied, "Lawn gnomes can't talk! Go away!"