Well, I know this took me a long time to get up, but I suck, so sorry. (As if you were all waiting anxiously for the next installment anyways...)
This chapter is dedicated to Kristin for her birthday... well, belated birthday anyway, because I love her DEARLY but I'm a terrible procrastinator. I hope you enjoy it, Kristin dear, and somehow find it within your magnanimous heart to forgive the tardiness.
The poem is copyright my big sister Jenny... I just had to put it in... and the song is copyright Deborah Cox who hopefully won't sue me.
A quick A/N to reviewers WTF and Mayura:
I enjoyed your reviews. Really, they made me laugh. If you find it in your heart, please write me more. Doubtless I will find them just as amusing. However, for your sake and the sake of all parties involved, I suggest you look up the definition of the following words:
1. satire
2. sarcasm
3. parody
4. exaggeration
5. caricature
If you can't figure it out, I suggest you grow a sense of humor, some wit and a badly needed measure of intelligence. I must agree however, that I enjoy leafygirl's writing. She was already in my favorite author list before you suggested her. Thanks anyway. :)
If you decide to flame me in the future, please consider using correct grammar as well as trying to come up with more original insults. I prefer things like, "You guys are waffle-faced, hermaphrodite mole-people with the intelligence of a jar of athlete's foot ointment." Thank you again for your input.
The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles
Episode 7 (aka: The Kristin Birthday SPECIAL!)
Naruto groaned as he leaned on the railing. Tsunade, for some unknown reason, had decided to take the whole cast on a luxury cruise. Where she got the money and why she would invite EVERYONE (this included Orochimaru and his whole organization of Evil Doers, as well as several dead characters who decided to take a break...from being dead...) Naruto had no idea. He only knew that he wanted to die.
They had been on this freakin' boat for a freakin' week and now it seemed they were lost in the mysterious fog that had suddenly showed up out of nowhere. Naruto hated boats. He hated them so freakin' mu---!
Naruto's thinking was abruptly cut off as he became reaquainted with his lunch for the third time that day. Almost as soon as he was done heaving, there was a flash of bright light and a booming noise that was so strong it created waves that rocked the boat violently. Stumbling around, Naruto misplaced his lunch again (how he had lost it multiple times is something scientists are still trying to figure out) all over Sasuke's shoes.
Naruto looked up sheepishly and was about to apologize to Sasuke's twitching eyebrow, when an insane cackle cut him off. The evil laugh seemed to permeate the very air around them. Kakashi finally looked up from his book, Chouji finally looked up from his bag of chips, and Ero-Sennin finally stopped oggling Tsunade's fake boobs.
"YES! YES, MY SISTERS! WE HAVE DONE IT! WE HAVE TRULY GAINED CONTROL!" an elated booming voice shouted, startling even Orochimaru out of his lacey, purple panties.
Suddenly, the boat lurched to a halt, and everyone on the large commercial liner promptly fell onto their tight ninja asses.
"Itaii!" Naruto groaned, not caring who saw him graphically rub the offending muscles. "Naze, dattebayo?"
"Shut up, Dobe," Sasuke sighed, "and what does 'dattebayo' mean anyway?" (A.N. No, seriously, what does it mean? It's been driving me nucking futs!) A sweet voice cut off Naruto's retort.
"Come, my friends," it beckoned from beyond the ship. "Come and see..."
Instead of being justifiably creeped out, the group of ninjas felt as if they should go see, and filed silently off the ship onto the sandy beach they had landed on. Standing underneath a reeeeaaaallllllyyyyy nice gazebo made entirely out of coconut husks was a blonde teenage girl in a flowing white dress with the word "BECKY" emblazoned upside-down across her chest.
"Uhhh... who are you?" Sakura asked, before being promptly eaten by a passing fiddler crab, and forgotten about for the rest of the story. The blonde rolled her eyes, failing to notice the useless...pink...thing had been eaten, and also failing to warn the rest of them about the vicious fiddler crabs.
"Jeeeeezzzz, cantcha read? My name is on my dress." To demonstrate it's legibility, she glanced down at her chest and spelled out "B...E...C...K...Y" for the benefit of everyone in attendance. "I even put it where everyone would want to be looking anyway..." Ero-sennin nodded before Tsunade punched him in the gut.
"...'k..." Shikamaru astutely stated after several moments of silence. "What was that weird voice a while ago?" The blonde's face became very solemn.
"That..." she paused for dramatic emphasis, "was the Mother of all rabid fangirls." At this point she put her palms together, bent her middle fingers, twisted her hands around each other and wiggled her middle fingers in some sort of odd, religious salute. It was, in reality, a widely unknown hand seal that had originated in the clans of the ninjas of Wetawd Hidden Village, who, since they were Wetawds after all, died out, leaving their secrets fairly...secret.
"...'k..." Kakashi echoed after another few moments of silence. "Where are we, anyway?" Becky's face glowed in pride.
"Welcome to our creation," she said with a wide sweeping of her arms. "Welcome to the Island of Misfit Pairings!"
"Island of Misfit Pairings?" Gai questioned, raising his impressive eyebrows at Lee, who raised his own impressive eyebrows back at Gai, who raised his eyebrows at Lee again and happily shouted, "AHA! Eyebrow raising competition! If I cannot raise my massive eyebrows 300 times, I will flare my nostrils 200 times!" Lee began to cry with joy at the beauty and inspiration that was his mentor.
Kakashi walked up behind Gai and slapped his bowl-cut endowed skull, never raising his eyes from his perverted novel. Gai was about to retaliate, but Becky interrupted.
"The Island of Misfit Pairings is a glorious land!" Becky proclaimed happily. "You will all enjoy yourselves during your stay here! You'll see..."
They would have believed her but for the well-placed crack of thunder, her darkening features and the maniacal laugh that pealed from her lip-glossy lips. After a moment, she cleared her throat.
"Now, if you will follow me," she said, beckoning to them. They all followed her, since there was really nothing else to do, and if they hadn't it would have ruined the whole f-ing story.
They finally came to what looked like an island resort except that everything, from the cabins down to the hot-tub, was made out of coconut husks. Becky turned and smiled at them.
"Well, this is it! I guess I'll leave you to it!" And with that ominous proclamation, she disappeared in a pink cloud of sparkly smoke.
"…Alrighty then," Tsunade said after the glitter had dissipated, "Hokages get first dibs on cabin choosing!" She had clearly forgotten that she had also invited several other deceased Hokages who were taking a break… from being dead.
Yondaime, since he was the 'Yellow Flash' of Konoha after all, beat her to the nice cabin with the cute pineapple shaped lights and slammed the door in her face. Tsunade was angry, so she did what she always did with misdirected rage, and punched Jiraiya in the stomach.
After a few more arguments, everyone found a cabin for themselves. Each one was stocked full of anything they might need; swim suits, towels, sun-tan lotion, and adorable pink ducky slippers. Orochimaru used one of his special jutsus and turned them purple, of course.
After a quick dinner, everyone decided to hit the hay… errr… coconut husks. The only one who couldn't sleep was Naruto, who, being the hyper bundle of ramen and determination that he was, decided to go knock some sense into the evil fiddler crabs. Naruto was good at knocking sense into people after all. That, and eating ramen. Oh, and wearing orange. And having these ADORABLE, sad, blue, puppy dog eyes that made you want to hug him until all his pain went away and let him know that all he did was appreciated and those villagers who hated him were BASTARDS and give him all his dreams on a silver plat—! ( Management apologizes for the tangent in the narrative. The people responsible have been sent to a concentration camp for annoying writers and pink haired, useless ninjas.)
Anyway, the next morning, Naruto came back exhausted from a very long night on the beach fighting demonic fiddler crabs. He had won (duh!) and now a line of very happy fiddler crabs walked behind him carrying banners that read "Naruto ROX!" and playing joyful songs on their… fiddles. As soon as he walked into the camp, however, Naruto realized something was amiss.
The smell of chocolate syrup and something slightly musky filled the air. Naruto could faintly hear really shmoozy lounge music playing in the background. Oh, yeah, and it seemed as if everyone had gone bat-shit insane, judging from the amount of slow-dancing, hot-tub macking, and various other unmentionable activities going on. The fiddler crabs took one look and ran for cover.
Naruto crept in for a closer look at the people lounging (groping) in the hot-tub. Jiraiya was threading his fingers through Orochimaru's long, greasy hair with zeal. Tsuanade seemed to be frighteningly preoccupied with making goo-goo eyes at Shizune's nin-pig. Naruto began to wretch when she placed a slobbery kiss on its hairy snout. The pig made a noise that sounded like a nasally, "Waaoooiii," a rare sound to hear coming from any animal, much less a pig. The pig had obviously missed Old MacDonald's memo.
After barely managing to hold down his ramen, Naruto booked it away from the hot-tub, passed a gooseberry bush, and came face to err… ass with a fairly buck-naked Gaara stalking on all fours seductively towards a flushed looking Chouji. Naruto swallowed a scream that ended up sounding like, "EEP!" and ran in the opposite direction.
Of course, the opposite direction was straight towards the center of the camp. Naruto skidded to a halt as his eyes got impossibly wider. He was shocked into silence, which had the same chance of occurrence as a meteor hitting a duck who had been eating muffins in the middle of June after becoming depressed because no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't make his quack echo.
Itachi was lounging under a gazebo with Yondaime. The Hokage was draped rather scandalously over the Uchiha's lap, and both were smoking joints and muttering things like, "Duuuuuude," and "Sweeeeet," after every hit. Itachi was alternately licking at the Yondaime's neck and toking sweet Mary Jane (the drug...not the person).
Iruka and Kisame were dancing. Scratch that. They weren't dancing so much as gyrating their hips against one another. They were both wearing purple-seashell bras and crooning, "Undah DA SEEEAAA!" in a way that made the simple lyrics sound plain dirty.
Ignoring the continuing assault on his ears of, "Dahling it's bettah, down weah it's wettah, TAKE IT FROM MEEEE!" Naruto turned to run into his cabin to seek some form of safety. As soon as he bolted the door behind him, however, he turned around to dive under the bed and instantly regretted his decision.
He was caught with an eyeful of Sasuke. More importantly, a shirtless Sasuke struggling with his pants while Konohamaru looked on with a type of interest one should never see on a 7-year-old's face. When Naruto managed to process the information, he tackled Sasuke away from the boy he looked on as some sort of screwed up little brother, screaming obscenities.
"What the FUCK is your problem! You flippin'… PEDOPHILE!" Naruto shrieked. Sasuke looked up at him calmly from where Naruto had him pinned to the floor.
"Hn. Dobe, do you even know the definition of that word?" he sneered.
"YEAH, TEME! It means you like to screw around with little-boys! PERVERT!" Naruto screamed while slamming Sasuke's head harshly to the coconut-husk floor.
"Okay, Naruto. But do you remember how old I am in this current story-arch? 12. If I'm a little boy, and he's a little boy, does that necessarily make me a pedophile?"
"Yeah, nii-chan! Lighten up!" Konohamaru piped in from his seat on the bed.
At this point, Naruto was hit rather strongly with that feeling he often got when he was under a genjutsu of some sort. His stomach did flip-flops, and somewhere within his mind he heard Becky's evil cackle. He suddenly felt the strong urge to cry.
"Fine, Sasuke!" he sobbed out from his rather convenient position sitting on top of the boy's stomach. The Uchiha's eyes widened. "If I mean that little to both of you…" he trailed off with a sad glance at Konohamaru, then jumped from his Sasuke-seat and ran to the bedside table.
Naruto grabbed the conveniently placed pencil and paper and sprinted out of the cabin. A dazed Sasuke and Konohamaru followed. When Naruto slammed the door open and dashed outside howling his grief, Kakashi disentangled himself from a pile of Haku and Zabuza and lazily walked over.
"What's going on?" he asked. Naruto crumpled pathetically to the ground and began scribbling on the piece of paper.
"I have to express my grief!" Naruto wailed dejectedly. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at Sasuke and Konohamaru, which was hard to concentrate enough to do since Haku had come over and begun biting his ear, and Zabuza was running his hands up and down the backs of Kakashi's thighs.
When Naruto finished his haiku poem, he read it aloud quietly to himself, but somehow everyone, even Gaara and Chouji who were a good 200 yards away, managed to hear him perfectly clearly. Apparently, the general laws of sound waves did not apply here.
"A child without hope.
A wilted butterfly.
Who said life was fair?"
After he had read his poem, a collective gasp rang throughout the camp, and Naruto began crying again. Sasuke came up and put a hand on Naruto's quivering… shoulder.
"Kami, Naruto," he whispered in awe. "That was beautiful." Shikamaru was moved to tears. He swept Naruto into a hug.
"It was so profound," Shikamaru sobbed into Naruto's neck. "It was genius! You've changed my life…"
Naruto began to melt into the embrace, but was suddenly struck with another strange urge when he saw Sasuke staring at him. He broke from the hug and ran over to the conveniently placed karaoke machine and keyed up a song. By this point, everyone had stopped their various…erm… activities, and watched the blonde in anticipation.
A somber melody pumped from the speakers. Naruto stood on the small stage with his head bowed, clutching the microphone tightly. Then he began to sing…
"To just act like we never were,
To come around and not show hurt,
How dare we grieve by shaking hands,
Just months ago, I was your man, was your man…"
His voice soared out into the air. It was the most beautiful thing any of the ninjas had heard. The rich sound of it was laced with incredible pain; pain so profound and real that every single person was touched to the core of their soul. Naruto clutched the mic harder, his eyes closed, his free hand jerking and pointing alternately in the air in sync with his voice.
"We can't be friends, ohhhh noooo, oh no,
Weee can't be friends, if we CAN'T BE LOVAHS!
Weee can't be friiiiieeenndds, cuz I'm still in looove with youuuuuu, ooo, ooo!"
The song continued, as Naruto gazed soulfully into the audience of stunned ninjas. Yondaime muttered under his breath.
"Hell. He's probably my son, and even I want to jump him!"
Owari
P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, the fiddler crab who had eaten Sakura gained a stomach ache of rather humongous proportions and had the runs for a week. The fiddler crab doctor told him he shouldn't go eating things if he didn't know where they had been.