AN UPDATE? OMGWTFBBQHOTTNESS!

A.N: This is my tribute to all the AU fics out there (that's Alternate Universe for all you ignorant people…) While I can understand the thought-process behind certain AU fics where they put the Naruto ninjas in real high school to try and get them closer to us, or make them all neko-ed or demon-ed out, or something along those lines, I have no idea where the fuck people get the idea to put them into situations that are so far from actual ninja-ness that it's, well, damn confusing and makes no sense. I hope that this fic makes absolutely no sense as well… or I would be really disturbed.

The Gooseberry Bush Chronicles

Episode 8

Naruto poked at the bags under his eyes while staring at his reflection. He coifed his blonde hair to no avail. He looked half dead. Damn the long hours of this new job. He had been working practically non-stop since he graduated from Konoha University (someone really ought to have fired him by now, since there was no such college within the continental U.S.). He adjusted his tie and half-stumbled into the kitchen.

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, Naruto decided that today definitely called for a double shot of vodka in his java. Then for good measure he threw in a couple Alka-seltzers. Oh, and he remembered to grab his Zoloft on the way out the door.

Walking into the sweltering streets that smelled vaguely of hot dog stands and urine, Naruto slung his briefcase over his shoulder and hailed a cab. He scratched at his odd whisker birthmarks absentmindedly and sipped on his coffee-vodka-Alka-seltzer smoothie.

The cab-driver asked him where he was going. He noticed the man's pronounced Japanese accent, and answered him back in his native tongue, as this was the prime opportunity for the authoress to show off the few Japanese words she'd gleaned from other fanfics, and she liked the superiority complex it gave her. The cab driver spun about in surprise.

"(You are from Japan?) " he asked. (A.N: The lil "( )" means it's being spoken in Japanese!)

"Aa," was Naruto's succinct reply.

"(I see. Excuse me for being surprised, but you don't look Japanese.)"

"(I get that a lot.)"

The driver smiled and asked, "Tabako o san-bon ikaga desu ka?"

"Iie, wisuki o rop-pon dake hoshii desu," Naruto replied. (See A/N at end for translation...if you even care...)

It was at this point that the vodka and Zoloft began to take affect. It was also around this time that Naruto happened to notice that there was a small fox sitting in the seat next to him.

"What's goin' on?" Naruto asked. He figured since he was obviously trippin' he might as well enjoy it.

"I have come to tell you your destiny," the fox boomed in a disturbingly deep and evil voice.

"'K. You gotta name?"

"Kyuubi. I am a random character that they tried to fit in so that this fic would have some kind of resemblance to the anime."

"Ah."

"Anywho, I have come to tell you something you don't know about yourself, stuck in the unfulfilled and meaningless rat-race as you are."

"Oh, no, don't worry. After I got over that hang-over, I managed to remember most of the details of last weekend. Sasuke-teme is a pretty good fuck when he's not an asshole." Naruto failed to realize the irony of that last statement.

"No, no. This isn't about that."

"Okay, well then get to the point. We're freaking out my Japanese brotha." Naruto pointed to the cab driver, who was intermittently glancing at Naruto worriedly and flipping off the other drivers. Naruto decided to stop talking to hallucinations around other people.

"All right," Kyuubi said with a sigh. "Naruto, did you know that you are no ordinary man, but are, in reality (at this point the cab took on a red glow and the camera did a close-up on Kyuubi's cat-like eyes. They were considering putting in a drum-roll, but opted for the ominous synthesizer music instead: DUN DUN DUUUUUN!) a stock-broker from HELL?"

Naruto blinked.

"Nope. Can't say I was privy to that information."

"Hmph. Good thing I came along. Enjoy your new powers!"

So saying, Kyuubi vanished in a puff of smoke and a bubble of maniacal laughter. Naruto hopped out of the still-moving cab. It was a great technique to use if you didn't want to pay the bill as long as you didn't mind the leg injuries. After Naruto picked himself off of the pavement, he walked into his office building.

"Naruto! Where have you been?" his boss, Tsunade growled at him when he walked in. "You're late!"

"I'll say," a gray-haired man with his tie flung strategically over his face stated. "You're even later than I am!"

"Can it, Kakashi," Naruto muttered. "Just because your adult film industry stocks are in a slump doesn't mean you get to take it out on everyone else." The gray haired man sighed.

"And it seemed like such a good investment at the time," he lamented.

"Anyway," Tsunade interrupted, "I need you down on the market floor. Sasuke has been buying up all the stock that your clients requested you get a foot-hold in today."

Naruto growled as he rushed to get to Wall Street. Sasuke was the top stock-broker in Orochimaru's firm, their competition and Naruto's eternal rival. Damn that Sasuke! He'd show him when he became the Stock-Broker-Kage! Though what exactly the fuck that was he had no idea.

He flung open the revolving doors that lead into the stock market (flinging open revolving doors is quite a feat, I tell you me). The shouts and general mayhem of the bidding floor seeped into his senses. He saw a flash of raven hair and scowled.

Suddenly, a niggling feeling hit him ( hehehe… niggling…). He heard Kyuubi's maniacal laughter in the back of his mind. Suddenly, he was hit with the strange urge to make a cross with his middle and pointer fingers and scream, "KAGE-BUNSHIN!" at the top of his lungs.

With a puff of smoke, the bidding floor was covered with dozens of Narutos, all of them screaming variations of, "Buy! Sell! Sell! I said SELL dammit!" With the ferocity of a tropical storm, the hoard swept the room, and soon the entire stock-market belonged to him. Naruto and his clients were the owners of the world. Naruto decided he would definitely be taking his drug and vodka cocktail every day.

(WE INTERUPT THIS FICTION FOR A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: The surgeon general says drugs are icky. Don't do them unless you have no aversion to waking up next to Jewels the clown with half the cartilage in your nose eaten away. If that is your thing, however, I'm not one to judge… you damn sickos.)

Sasuke looked on the multitudes of Narutos in open-mouthed awe. Triumph rose in Naruto's gut. He gave a toothy grin along with a burst of ecstatic laughter.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YES! I am the STOCK-BROKER FROM HELL! BOW TO ME!"

"…the fuck?" Sasuke breathed.

"Exactly," a random passing gooseberry bush replied.

Owari

P.S. In a completely unrelated coincidence, Sakura made friends with a serial killer. Needless to say, it was a bad move. Her head is in my closet.

A/N: Stolen from a Japanese phrase book. The taxi driver asked, "Would you care for three cigarettes?" to which Naruto replied, "No, just six bottles of whiskey."